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He closed me up like a book, n I mistook his values for my own.
He had an image he wouldn't abandon n derived pride in being grown.
I wanted to live in his castle so I helped him on to his throne
His world felt safe, so when he opened his gates, I no longer felt alone.

Future happiness - dictated his life,
turning 30 - made him think of a wife.
So when I cooked I was judged,
and when I cleaned I felt loved,
but when I drank- I was a child,
the mom of his kids couldn't act wild.

I was walking on egg shells and picking up the pieces
I covered up the remnants so he couldn't find any reasons - to leave me. Or not believe me.
I wanted him to think I knew what I was doing.
My life's purpose became convincing him that I was worth pursuing.

And I grew so content in his world of requirements,
cuz I thought if he could love me I was - doing alright since -
I didn't feel the scabs of my insecurities anymore,
they all seemed to itch less when he walked through the door,
and said I love you.

Why his validation made me feel like I was whole,
or why his arms tasted like home- I'll never know.
But the way he saw the world and his opinions of me,
contorted and distorted the world that I perceive,
and now I find that I'm scared to live by my own rules,
cuz I know it's not the path that he would choose.

I don't recognize these shoes; the ones that I walk in.
I don't hear my own voice cuz he did all the talking.
I don't trust my own gut cuz he did all the thinking.
I don't remember how to tread cuz I'm so used to sinking.
Where did I lose you 
When did you drop me
How did you love me
Then stop so abruptly 
After you touched me
After all we've been through
Why don't you love me when I'm aching for you
What are you really trying to say?
Don't doubt it, just write it
What are you really trying to say?
Let it come, don't fight it
What are you really trying to say?
There's a thought that pays you a visit
What are you really trying to say?
Relax, and just listen.
What are you really trying to say?
About what stirs you inside
What are you really trying to say?
You better say it while you're alive
What are you really trying to say?
Your silence is misleading
What are you really trying to say?
On your search for meaning
What are you really trying to say?
As the fear holds you back
What are you really trying to say?
As you think about failure, or the lack
What are you really trying to say?
As you picture the outcome
What are you really trying to say?
Every time you back down
What are you really trying to say?
As its gnawing at your throat
What are you really trying to say?
When you decide that you won't
Knowing there's nothing waiting at the end of the line
No phone call to lift me, no arms to fall in mine
That there's a great big sky and everyone underneath
Seeks refuge in the shelter of the company that they keep
This isolation is icy, and hard to conceive
Knowing I'll never know what it is I seek
Is it comfort, is it contentment, is it knowing that I'm not alone
Is it feeding an illusion or creating the concept of home
Is it elevation of the mind, adrenalin through the heart
Soaring so high just to fall apart
We're soaring so high just to fall apart.
And yet we try and try again, because it's all we know so far
i think I'm going to bury you
i've given you too much time
i think i'm done hurting now
or feeding this grief of mine

i think i'm done being bitter
and holding this spite inside
despite your lack of compassion  
that no longer exists at this point in time

i think I'm done being angry
and drinking from the stream of your disdain
i don't deserve to be locked inside
this narrow perception in your brain

and i'm drained from this drought in my system
from letting you feed from the well of my kindness
when you give me nothing, nothing at all
but a hollow perception of blindness

i'm going to bury you
deep in the garden
and watch you blend with the dirt
there you can lay, bare the rain and decay
And i will no longer hurt.
Maybe I should be content
Perhaps life was being kind to me
It took everyone away gradually
Instead of in a handful.
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