I found love on the first day of second grade
It was blonde and knew the 5 times table by heart
I found it the first time I walked down the street alleys of Venice
The first time I tried a cinnamon twist swirl latte
It was sweet and tasted a little like nostalgia
I found love in every lyric of every oasis song
I found love in every letter of every page of my favorite book
I found it in the boy who didn’t pick up my calls
And then I found it in you

I found heartbreak on the second day of second grade
It was blonde and didn’t know my name
I found it the day they discontinued kinder eggs
I found it the day he stopped giving me a reason for not picking up my calls
It was hard and felt like a splinter that wouldn’t go away
I found it when I first saw my dad cry
I found it when I saw you cry

But it’s okay, because I found love on the 24th day of 12th grade
This time it was 17 and wore orange sweaters to school
It was kind and listened to everything I had to say
It was loyal and wrote me letters
It was smart and recited me poems
It smelt like a mixture of cologne and my childhood room
It would tell me I'm beautiful
Even if I was crying
It would tell me I'm beautiful
Even after I showered
It would tell me I'm beautiful
Even if I didn’t feel it
I found love every time I enter the common room and catch your smile
I find it every single day

I found love the first day I said I loved you
I found heartbreak the same day
The day I realized this wouldn’t last forever
It was painful but simultaneously okay
Because I find love every time you hug me and leave your scent lingering on my cheek for the next hour
Every time we make weird eye contact right before we take off all our clothes
Every time you kiss my forehead
Every time I think about all we’ve done
Every time I think about how much more we have to come
Every time you talk to my mom
Every time you try to talk to my dad
Every time I hear you say my name
Every time I remember you love me too
Every time I hear the phone ring

I found it every day for a year
It was nice and felt like the feeling right after you jump in the pool, right before you hit the water
Those few seconds in the air
But slower
For hours
For days
Hopefully forever

I’m sorry
I’m sorry he told u he deserves better
I'm sorry that was me
I’m sorry you have to watch us by his locker
That you have to remember all the times that was you
I’m sorry he never took you on a picnic
It sounds condescending but I really am
I’m sorry I'm being ****** and writing apologies and AGAIN making myself look like such a good guy
And by default making you the bad one
You’re not
I’m sorry he doesn’t text you good morning anymore
I’m sorry you have to pass him everyday in the hallways knowing he now sends it to me
I’m sorry he was the one for you
And you weren’t the one for him
Because before I met him I was in your position

It's 1:46 am
And this is me
Giving up on you
And u told me not to
And I told u I wouldn't
But it's 1:46
and I'm giving up on you
Not because I don't love u still
After all this vacancy
You still occupy me
After all this silence
You're still a blaring siren
But because I'm sick of u filling me
Because I feel empty without u
So it's 1:46
And I'm giving up on you
Not me
Not us
You

So last night she picked up the phone and called you
The number you dialed is not responding, please try again later
So she did
Again
And again
Her pride escaping her as fast as the tears escaping her eyes
And she tried to catch them
But it’s hard to catch something when your simultaneously falling
And there’s no one to catch you

Hi
Hello
Are you sitting down?
Okay ready
Last night I pulled down my pants
No, no, seriously listen
And I saw a **** load of blood
And I realized:
a) I had been sitting in a pool of my own blood for 3 hours
b) I broke up with you over ***
And don’t let that abolish my arguments
Because it was still me talking
Just me x by 10
And all I realized was feelings are very temporary
Like seriously, feelings come and go they are just temporary
And then I realized you are not temporary
And I realized I overthink too much
And you stress too much
And we are still the same people
And we will probably be having this same conversation 2 months from now
And 2 months after that
But it doesn’t matter
Because what happens in between those 2 months
Are you picking me up for prom and me being a tornado in your car
And you get mad because I won’t let you kiss my cheek and then I quietly kiss your neck
And us kissing on the beach in front of an illuminated potion of water
Basically
Magic happens
Man
And I could do this ****** circle forever.
It’s not healthy
I'm not saying it’s healthy
But someone once told me it’s not about what’s healthy
It’s about what works
And I think we work
And if you think you would be happier with a little less magic in your life
And without me in your life
Then tell me
And I'll leave you alone
And we’re free to fall out of love with each other
But if not; lets not think about it too much
And lets just be us
This isn’t a solution to our problems
I know that
And we have A LOT of problems
But people break up because of lack of love
Do you think there’s a lack of love?
Well I don’t
And therefore all our problems are fixable
It made me think when I asked you what you wanted last night
And you said
All you wanted was me
And I said that wasn’t enough
But it is
And we should stop being so pragmatic
And treating this like a ******* off stead report
This is love
*******, I love you
And I know you love me
So lets just calm down
Stop overthinking
And love each other

I am not your piece of art
You can not tear me apart
You cannot decided when to start
For I am not your piece of art

I'm not a blank canvas and although you choose to paint over me
My words don't leave
My words still stay
And they will burn through your oil colours to see the light of day
She's not a glass sculpture
Although her heart's a glass heart
Beating for you and shattering herself from the start
Handle with care
Go ahead and stare
Her heart is of glass but for you it's not clear

Please do not touch her
She's just for your eyes
The artist isn't finished
It's still a surprise
Just know, you aren't the artist
You didn't create this
If anything you'll break this

For I'm not your canvas and I would rather hang myself

But why can't your poems be happy they said
Well they can be
But why should they be?
My fathomage of contemplation dives deeper than societally accepted
but I don't want to be societally accepted
That's why I came here.
Go to your party and sing happy songs
And make happy conversation
And dream happy thoughts
And cry not so happy tears, when the happiness that was packed so tightly into the palms of your fists dissipates and leaves you shattered.
For my fists are open
And my words are spoken
And my poetry may not be happy or grace
But it sure leaves a smile on my face

You know what's sadder than writing anonymous poetry online.
Writing anonymous poetry alone,
in your room,
for yourself.
Although it is a close one.

There's so much u don't know about me still
Like did u know I wear reading glasses
Or that my parents both had the same last name even before they met
And I have a infatuation with tearing paper, and in my cupboard I have the largest collection of manually shredded paper imaginable
I've never really felt love
Or that once I fell asleep at the back of a bookstore for 4 hours
My mom tells me if she could do it again, she would abort me
And my father isn't even around to tell me what he thinks
But you're around
And I want you to know that I stayed up till 4 staring at the letter you gave me
And I still sleep with the lights on
And I bite my nails when I'm nervous
But I'm not nervous with you
And no, you don't know about the time I sang in the Christmas choir
Or that my favourite time of the day is early in the morning when it's not quite morning, but not quite night
But you could know
*And I would like to tell you

How much control u have over my ******* emotions
How if u choose to go get a snack before you reply
You will have me sitting on the edge of my bed wondering what I did wrong.

And how vulnerable I feel
Because I will spend an hour on my makeup if you tell me you will be there
And god forbid your late
I will spend hour in my dress you said you like, staring at my phone and wondering what happened.

Just how much I like you
Because I keep myself awake till 12
Because of that one time you messaged me asking if I'm up
And I was asleep and we could of talked for hours

But that was my fault
And this is your fault

95% of the time I feel absolutely nothing. But that 5%, god that 5%, I feel everything at once.

Stop going back to him my dear
He can't mend your bones
He won't treat you well my dear
He'll leave you all alone

Love isn't an excuse to get hurt my dear
Your mom was always right
Don't give him all you have my dear
You need to put up a fight

Don't let him yell at you my dear
It's not because your wrong
Does he really love you my dear?
Does he know your favourite song?

Stop going back to him
He can't mend your bones
He can't fix your heart
He'll leave you alone
You can't be fixed by the same person who broke you my dear

But you are not broken, my dear

You have got to wake up every morning at the crack of dawn,
Brew yourself a coffee,
Sit on your lawn chair,
And watch the first orange hued rays of sunrise kiss the dust-laden rubble

You’ve got to stop crying
Stop keeping yourself awake every night thinking about the same **** thing that wont matter 2 years from now,
You’ve got to stop depending on him to make you smile,
Talk to your friends and make yourself smile,

You’ve got to stop pitying yourself
And think, breathe and then go upstairs and get some sleep.
And kid you’ve got to love yourself
Because you’re beautiful
Because you’re worth it
Because no one else really will.

It bothers me the way she looks at you
The way she makes you laugh
The way you ignore me when I walk by
And that you never called me back

It bothers me you don’t like my pictures anymore
Or that you know her fathers name
It bothers me you don’t shave your stache
Because she’ll love you just the same

It bothers me that I kept your number
After you obviously deleted mine
It bothers me I still wear your shirt to sleep
Or that you never asked if I was fine

It bothers me we don’t hang out
Or that I didn’t see us through
But what bothers me the most
Is that it doesn’t bother you

don't text him right away
wait a year,
get married,
keep him guessing.

arrive fashionably late to your dates
wait an hour, or 2,
or just don't go,
keep him waiting.

flirt with other guys
kiss other guys,
**** other guys, marry them,
that'll make him jealous.

tease him
don't let him touch you,
don't let him *******,
hell get a mastectomy,
that'll drive him crazy.

don't be the first person to say I love you
don't be the second,
don't want to seem desperate.

Have you ever had your heart broken?
Me neither
It would have been a privilege to have my heartbroken by him,
But he can’t break my heart if he never accepted it in the first place – never acknowledged it.
In itself that is a form of heartbreak – a bereaved, falsified form
that keeps you from listening to the song you listened to when he looked you in the eyes,
you sat on his lap,
and he called you pretty.
8 months of changing the radio station
You should have gone home

Jane was given a year to live
Febricity, nausea and cancer would assist her through that year
Marching headfirst into this battle
Apropos of nothing, she packed up and left
Maybe she broke down, maybe she got up
Junction of her heart and mind, she was preparing to die whilst simultaneously starting to live
Julian Alps, Tianzi Mountains, Santorini, Petra, Machu Picchu, she saw them all
Augmented her mind
Separated her ignorance
October fell and she was hospitalized, the hospital was now her personal party with constant visitors
Novice to cancer no more, now she was the leader
Dec**ease couldn’t stop her, she was alive

Let's go sit on the hillside
Away from the world

If the rain starts spilling in, we will built a roof
If our stomachs start to grumble, we will pick some fruit
If we hear the sounds of people, I will look at you

And we will sit on a further hillside
Away from all the world

even if they do come find us, we will never leave
With the wind in our hair and the soil in our nails, this is all we need

After all they can't communise the mountains
They can't commercialise the wind
the future here isn't bleak because
*Nature isn't weak

Never enter the pool by the stairs
2. Don’t ever dumb it down
3. Talk to seniors
4. Don’t pose with alcohol
5. Don’t pose with drugs
6. Don’t pose with *******
7. Don’t make out with ******* on video
8. Don’t make out with anyone on video
9. Eat your vegetables
10. If you can drink your vegetables
11. Don’t ever smoke
12. Read a lot
13. Carry your mom’s groceries (she carried you for 9 months)
14. Know at least 1 good joke
15. Surround yourself with smart people with ambitions in life
16. Don’t wander around with people who don’t know what they’re doing
17. Brush your teeth 3 times a day
18. Read a lot
19. One day learn to dance to cringy *** songs because it’s better than awkwardly sitting on the side by yourself
20. Don’t dress slutty (be as slutty as you want but don’t act it)
21. Be elitist
22. Don’t litter
23. Learn your national anthem
24. Always buy the railway stations in monopoly
25. Try and eat dinner on the table
26. Consent is cool
27. Don’t talk in movies
28. Don’t call people between 11pm-11am
29. Always open the card first
30. Never save the wrapping paper
31. If your wrong mid argument chance your name and move cities
32. Talk to your grandparents more
33. Thank the bus driver
34. Tip the pizza guy
35. Buy a silk robe to sleep in
36. Don’t lie to your doctor
37. Be proud of your music taste
38. Don’t gate crash parties pls
39. Educate ignorant people
40. Look hot for yourself
41. Hookup with people who genuinely give a **** about you
42. Its ok to show up to parties by yourself
43. Watch every good detective movies from 1987
44. Learn to have fun without alcohol
45. Once again cigarettes aren’t cool
46. Don’t sneak onto public transport – buy a ******* nol card
47. Don’t take life too seriously

You called me once

I let the phone ring

We could have talked for hours until I feel asleep to the sound of the dialer tone

But we didn’t, because I never picked up


I wrote you an email once

Asking you to come round

Telling you how I missed you and wished we could talk more

But you never came round, because I never sent it


You kissed me once

Our lips yoked together, still, in the motion of the world

We could have done it again

But we didn’t, because I ran away

You never called
Emailed
Talked to me again

And we could have loved each other, *but we didn’t

Tock.
The voice in white faded within those last words.
Did you realize then, truly, that not only sticks and stones hurt?
As those words dragged you into the depth of its gravity, as they transformed into a constant reminder, within your shadow, as an echo.
An echo that shall linger in your ears drumming…
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

No.
Deny!
Who are you lying to?
Tell me
That’s right you cant
Because it’s yourself
And did those seconds become the third helping of a bite you never wanted to taste? Not only is that pill tough to swallow, but also that pill was hollow.
A time bomb, exploding those seconds away. That hollowness clutching within its womb; only silence and sad music to soothe your existence. Those seconds that you now want back, that were so dismissively spent on a bad moment.


Where is it gone?
It only just started
You orphaned by life, still existing, a memory waiting to happen.
And yet is still hasn’t happened
And it wont
Maybe I'm wasting my young years
Maybe I'm wasting my young tears
Maybe I'm not.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
The seconds keep ticking
They keep ticking. They keep going. But where?
Too late, they’re gone
They are planted deep in your mind a constant reminder you are not using them well
What does this do?
Causes you-urges you to use them even worse
Because what’s the worst thing you can do?
Come on you know this one…
Nothing.

Tick.
Eventually it hits you, like a bad memory.
No like the feeling you get deep in your stomach when you are about to fall
Those few seconds in the air
But s l o w e r
For minutes
For days
For years
The white voice weighed down by the words it uttered to countless similar souls, has simmered inside you, condensed and made a depression in you.

Why you?
You didn’t ask for this!
And yet you still got it.
Maybe its because you didn’t ask at all
Maybe that’s because you cant
You are the only one going through this
People surround you, who are continuing life. Continuing life to reclaim a little sanity you lost months ago

What is sanity?
san-it-y |ˈsanitē|
noun
The ability to think and behave in a normal and rational manner; sound mental health.
What is rational?
This?
You hear it now. Slow. Steady. And Loud. And Wise.
Did time become the definition of life?
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
I know you hate the truth
Like it’s all splayed and waiting
Wait.
What is the truth?
I can’t tell you
Because you don’t know
Confusion and perplexity have propagated in your mind
In every tear you shed
In every cell in every nail you bite
Answer me!
You’re the only one who contemplates a typo in a love letter
Watches out for the solitary man booing in an interminable horde of supporters.

Just go to sleep.
You’re tired
Are you?
Did ‘you’re tired’ become the embodiment of futility that harbors ‘could’ve, would’ve, should’ve
Trying to settle in as a memory of the future
Waiting to be regretted
Stop!
Why are you consoling yourself?
Because it’s easier than fallacious merriment?
Because it feels desirable?
Because no one else will.
Tick.

John was too tall*
He should have called his mom more than once a year
He should have gone to his kid’s sports day
He shouldn’t have cheated on his wife
He should have gotten his haircut

Maybe then he wouldn’t have to pay his alimony check
Or eat Chinese takeout everyday
Or secretly steal teabags from his office

Maybe he would’ve bought her the necklace she wanted
Or taken them to the zoo like he promised
Maybe he would’ve graduated college
And backpacked through England like he wanted

But he didn’t
Because John was still to tall

When did should’ve, would’ve and couldn’t become the embodiment of futility that harbors your failures
Because we all would have, but we didn’t
And we all shouldn’t be stuck here, but we are