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cartel Dec 2016
I found love on the first day of second grade
It was blonde and knew the 5 times table by heart
I found it the first time I walked down the street alleys of Venice
The first time I tried a cinnamon twist swirl latte
It was sweet and tasted a little like nostalgia
I found love in every lyric of every oasis song
I found love in every letter of every page of my favorite book
I found it in the boy who didn’t pick up my calls
And then I found it in you

I found heartbreak on the second day of second grade
It was blonde and didn’t know my name
I found it the day they discontinued kinder eggs
I found it the day he stopped giving me a reason for not picking up my calls
It was hard and felt like a splinter that wouldn’t go away
I found it when I first saw my dad cry
I found it when I saw you cry

But it’s okay, because I found love on the 24th day of 12th grade
This time it was 17 and wore orange sweaters to school
It was kind and listened to everything I had to say
It was loyal and wrote me letters
It was smart and recited me poems
It smelt like a mixture of cologne and my childhood room
It would tell me I'm beautiful
Even if I was crying
It would tell me I'm beautiful
Even after I showered
It would tell me I'm beautiful
Even if I didn’t feel it
I found love every time I enter the common room and catch your smile
I find it every single day

I found love the first day I said I loved you
I found heartbreak the same day
The day I realized this wouldn’t last forever
It was painful but simultaneously okay
Because I find love every time you hug me and leave your scent lingering on my cheek for the next hour
Every time we make weird eye contact right before we take off all our clothes
Every time you kiss my forehead
Every time I think about all we’ve done
Every time I think about how much more we have to come
Every time you talk to my mom
Every time you try to talk to my dad
Every time I hear you say my name
Every time I remember you love me too
Every time I hear the phone ring

I found it every day for a year
It was nice and felt like the feeling right after you jump in the pool, right before you hit the water
Those few seconds in the air
But slower
For hours
For days
Hopefully forever
cartel Sep 2016
I’m sorry
I’m sorry he told u he deserves better
I'm sorry that was me
I’m sorry you have to watch us by his locker
That you have to remember all the times that was you
I’m sorry he never took you on a picnic
It sounds condescending but I really am
I’m sorry I'm being ****** and writing apologies and AGAIN making myself look like such a good guy
And by default making you the bad one
You’re not
I’m sorry he doesn’t text you good morning anymore
I’m sorry you have to pass him everyday in the hallways knowing he now sends it to me
I’m sorry he was the one for you
And you weren’t the one for him
Because before I met him I was in your position
cartel Jul 2016
It's 1:46 am
And this is me
Giving up on you
And u told me not to
And I told u I wouldn't
But it's 1:46
and I'm giving up on you
Not because I don't love u still
After all this vacancy
You still occupy me
After all this silence
You're still a blaring siren
But because I'm sick of u filling me
Because I feel empty without u
So it's 1:46
And I'm giving up on you
Not me
Not us
cartel May 2016
So last night she picked up the phone and called you
The number you dialed is not responding, please try again later
So she did
And again
Her pride escaping her as fast as the tears escaping her eyes
And she tried to catch them
But it’s hard to catch something when your simultaneously falling
And there’s no one to catch you
The poem I wrote to my subconscious when my consciousness stopped listening
cartel May 2016
Are you sitting down?
Okay ready
Last night I pulled down my pants
No, no, seriously listen
And I saw a **** load of blood
And I realized:
a) I had been sitting in a pool of my own blood for 3 hours
b) I broke up with you over ***
And don’t let that abolish my arguments
Because it was still me talking
Just me x by 10
And all I realized was feelings are very temporary
Like seriously, feelings come and go they are just temporary
And then I realized you are not temporary
And I realized I overthink too much
And you stress too much
And we are still the same people
And we will probably be having this same conversation 2 months from now
And 2 months after that
But it doesn’t matter
Because what happens in between those 2 months
Are you picking me up for prom and me being a tornado in your car
And you get mad because I won’t let you kiss my cheek and then I quietly kiss your neck
And us kissing on the beach in front of an illuminated potion of water
Magic happens
And I could do this ****** circle forever.
It’s not healthy
I'm not saying it’s healthy
But someone once told me it’s not about what’s healthy
It’s about what works
And I think we work
And if you think you would be happier with a little less magic in your life
And without me in your life
Then tell me
And I'll leave you alone
And we’re free to fall out of love with each other
But if not; lets not think about it too much
And lets just be us
This isn’t a solution to our problems
I know that
And we have A LOT of problems
But people break up because of lack of love
Do you think there’s a lack of love?
Well I don’t
And therefore all our problems are fixable
It made me think when I asked you what you wanted last night
And you said
All you wanted was me
And I said that wasn’t enough
But it is
And we should stop being so pragmatic
And treating this like a ******* off stead report
This is love
*******, I love you
And I know you love me
So lets just calm down
Stop overthinking
And love each other
Btw incase anyone was wondering, he said he agreed.
cartel Feb 2016
I am not your piece of art
You can not tear me apart
You cannot decided when to start
For I am not your piece of art

I'm not a blank canvas and although you choose to paint over me
My words don't leave
My words still stay
And they will burn through your oil colours to see the light of day
She's not a glass sculpture
Although her heart's a glass heart
Beating for you and shattering herself from the start
Handle with care
Go ahead and stare
Her heart is of glass but for you it's not clear

Please do not touch her
She's just for your eyes
The artist isn't finished
It's still a surprise
Just know, you aren't the artist
You didn't create this
If anything you'll break this

For I'm not your canvas and I would rather hang myself
cartel Feb 2016
But why can't your poems be happy they said
Well they can be
But why should they be?
My fathomage of contemplation dives deeper than societally accepted
but I don't want to be societally accepted
That's why I came here.
Go to your party and sing happy songs
And make happy conversation
And dream happy thoughts
And cry not so happy tears, when the happiness that was packed so tightly into the palms of your fists dissipates and leaves you shattered.
For my fists are open
And my words are spoken
And my poetry may not be happy or grace
But it sure leaves a smile on my face
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