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Jan 2019 · 71
porcelain deep
Pea Jan 2019
before sunrise treads,
make me your nest.
sculpt your universe
in my harrowed chest—
i'll allow you to.

give me a moment of silence
to recall myself before you
and why you'd came;
the science and the art
of your being,
and my ways you've changed.

before sunrise treads,
you'll be gone.
i'll embrace our fate,
but i'd refuse to rid
your porcelain skin draped over me.

with your face close
enough to defeat the rays
and it's far too late,
i know it's tiring.
let me be your home
but i'll leave you be.
Oct 2018 · 180
bathroom tears
Pea Oct 2018
tequila tongues and 2AM cigarette strolls
empty, spotless bathroom stalls
you give me nothing, i give my all
"forever's just a word," written on these walls
Feb 2018 · 157
i don't miss you
Pea Feb 2018
i was alright until now
you left me needy
you left me longing for your skin
you left me missing the taste of your weary fingers
you left me like you left your songs playing in your mom's balcony
those tunes that did nothing but talk about anger and ***
god
g o d
i miss those songs
i miss your breath
even when it meant that i'd have to deal with your cigarettes
i miss the muscles on your face when i ask you to smile for me
i miss sinning with you

but even when i miss everything,
darling, *i just don't miss you
inspired to write about an old friend though please don't misconstrue that i actually sinned in whatever way your playful mind takes you to ;-)
Aug 2017 · 256
in your veins
Pea Aug 2017
when you wake up in the morning
and the sun doesn't shine,
you'll find it in your arms,
seeping in your veins
Jul 2017 · 185
little words
Pea Jul 2017
grow flowers in my mind
paint my stone cold heart
kiss thy lips bathed in wine
don't you know, you're a piece of art?
a nod to a song i wrote called Work of Art w/ my friend Aly
Jul 2017 · 740
You are yours
Pea Jul 2017
You rain with glitter
You are made of gold
You are far too precious
To exist in this world
Only to be sold*

You touch everything
The way your mom had taught you to:
With delicate hands and a mouth made
For soundness

Love,
You are yours
And yours only
Do not let them touch you
And pull your soul out
Of its porcelain cage

Love,
You are yours,
You will always be
you are not anyone's. don't ever make anyone try to put up a flag on you and declare they're yours
Pea Jul 2017
you keep on saying
you'll get back
to the way things were
when i'm finally done with you

and even though
i still want nothing but to take those
midnight phone calls that lasted til
the early morning hours back

i finally,

finally

can
let you go
now

because i know
that this time
it's better than
holding onto something
that would only end up
*       r                         i  
b                a       k            
           e                                 g
                                     n*  
                                      

and

f
   a
      l
         l
      i
  n
        g

in the end

i've drained out
all the hope
that was left

*when you
left
May 2017 · 260
bedhead #1
Pea May 2017
don't leave when i tell you to
because darling, all i need in this world
right now is your fingers laced with mine,
the feeling of your breath against my neck,
your soft mouth over my collarbone,
your eyes watching me.
because when i say leave, i mean it like
a synonym to please please please stay.
May 2017 · 229
fun & games
Pea May 2017
it's all fun and games
until we both
get sick and tired of hiding
from the truth that refuses to be freed
and seeking for something
that is most probably never going
to come anyway
Pea May 2017
there was a time before we fell
into this ravine where we are now,
when i reminded myself to know
my boundaries. to recall that i've been
broken enough before to gamble my heart again.
to think things through before i spit them out
of my mouth. i can still remember that i never
wanted you the way that i do now.
i never intended to.
all i wanted was to ***** your monochromatic heart
and feel you bleed sweet technicolor lies and lullabies.
but now, where are we now?
i chased after you, bleeding yourself dry you told me
without turning your head, that you're through with me.
that you're done trying to make me feel sunshine and
sunflowers within me when i'm unhappy.
so i stopped running.
and i watched you go as you carried with one hand
your heart and its veins drenched in black and white.
Mar 2017 · 838
nine-word story
Pea Mar 2017
one-night stand conversations
are probably
all
we'll ever
be
Oct 2016 · 328
the only thing
Pea Oct 2016
i wrote you a letter,
i guess you haven't read.

i wrote you another one,
because what should i do
if you're the only thing
in my head?
#hi
Aug 2016 · 931
like glue
Pea Aug 2016
I say this to myself
one last time
as I close the front door
behind me:

*"Stop getting yourself
too attached to people.

They leave and it’s sad.

But it’s even sadder
to look at yourself,
peeling off the skin
that once touched and knew
yours so well."
Aug 2016 · 542
deep-set brown
Pea Aug 2016
i saw him in the hallway this morning,
his head was bowed down.
though i don't know what he's looking at
or why his eyes were glued to the ground,
i know from before that they were deep-set brown.
Jul 2016 · 573
i am pain (10w)
Pea Jul 2016
i'm just a conflation
of swollen lips
and drunken midnights
Jun 2016 · 334
8:31 AM thoughts
Pea Jun 2016
how could you
be both
a man of
a few words
and
a man who has
all the words?
Jun 2016 · 373
To the boy who has my heart
Pea Jun 2016
To the boy who has my heart, if we were any more real.*

If we were, I’ll surprise you more often. So please don’t get ******* if someone knocks on your door at 1AM while you’re still asleep. That would be me standing on your doorway, cradling a tupperware of leftover pizza and a bunch of rented movies. I’d risk an all-nighter just to be with you.

If we were, I will be your number one fan. I’ll sneak out just to watch your football games. I won’t be ashamed of standing on the bleachers just to cheer for you. I won’t hesitate to chant boo’s against your opponents. It’s going to be worthwhile anyway.

If we were, every second will be golden. Even the little stops we’ll make to get ice cream cones from the store. Even the times we’ll forget to bring an umbrella and we’ll have no choice but walk through the puddles and get ourselves rained on. Every little memory will be an important story.

If we were, we’d go on spontaneous road trips together. We’ll sing to the songs playing nonstop on the radio. We’d go places we’ve been to before, we’d visit places we never knew existed. We’d go everywhere together. We’d go on adventures like our parents didn’t warn us about our curfews.

If we were, you won’t ever have to feel inferior to everyone and everything anymore. For the reason that is, you are the sun. Please don’t forget that. You are the sun aglow when everything else is pitch black.

To the boy who has my heart, you’ve long been the pinnacle of my list.
Nothing’s gonna change that. You are irreplaceable. You are worth every thing, little or big. You deserve to know how amazing you are every day.

Someday, someone will own that beating thing inside of you. She will make you feel flowers growing in the pit of your stomach. She will kindle the fireworks in your blank, inky nights. She will make you feel loved. I want to be that person.

And I’ll tell you, that’s all I ever want to be.

After all, you are the boy etched in my insides.

*The boy who has my heart.
wrote this when I was 15. and in love. not anymore, though.
May 2016 · 275
let me ask you this (9w)
Pea May 2016
what did
it mean
to
you?




*any
of
it?
Pea May 2016
My eyes still burn from the tears of gasoline you poured down on me.

How could someone who have given you so much joy every day could suddenly make you want to withdraw them out of your life without any sort of sirens singing around? When our two worlds collided, they were comprised of a confetti of a hundred different things, some were vibrant reds and others atrocious yellows.

From an outrageous exchange of IM’s, being picky with certain kinds of food, talking about weird teachers, sharing an umbrella when the sun’s out and when the skies throw a fit at us, and you being gaga over your bizarre fantasies that I will never understand.

The things that should have been disturbing to me, didn’t even matter. Because it was you. You were the one who mattered.

Do you remember our first conversation?*

You probably don’t. But, I still do. I was the one who approached you first. But then again as time flew by, I’m always the one approaching you first. But I never minded. I never did because I’ve always thought that it was a thing so superficial and minor that it should not have even been a thing. ‘Cause who the ******* hell cares if I talked to you first? All I wanted was to talk with you anyway. I thought it wouldn’t matter to us in the coming years.

There were those days when all I wanted to do was snuggle up close to my laptop screen and talk to you nonstop about anything left on the shelves to pick at. I’d try to tell you things of my own but you’d always manage to twist it around making every thing else about you a little so suddenly. That never failed to leave me feeling all confused and dubious, though. But I forced myself to believe that I just didn’t know how to converse as riveting as you are.

A handful of people around would tell me that I deserved better. That being with you, changed how I spoke and acted in an unpleasant way. But I thought to myself, “Why would I think that? You are so important to me. I would never."

True. Because hey, you mattered to me. But, why did it seem like I never did, even at the faintest bit, to you? What was the matter with me? Was I completely ****** for being just so comfortable with you whenever we’re talking that I even cuss, call you names and point your flaws out? I never meant every offensive thing that got to my head, though. I just crave for your attention all the time. But you still liked me around. You never showed that you even cared about me acting “psychotically”. You probably even liked me being clingy and needy like the girlfriend you never had.

But, this time… I’ll have to do something for myself. I’d have to stop thinking about what is good for you or for the both of us. I have to let go. I have to give up on the future that we picture ourselves embracing together. You have to let yourself be, and in order to do that, you have to leave me out of it. You wouldn’t want me sticking around. I couldn't stand it too, trust me.

You care about yourself more than anyone. I’m not regarding this in a standalone paragraph because it is the perceivable truth. It is in fact a sad truth but, it isn’t sad for you. You should be happy that you are being well-taken cared of. By yourself. I’ll give you a pat on the back for that.

Giving up on someone does not solely entitle the fact that you are letting go of him or her—or for the best of times, in that matter. Giving up on someone also means that you are untying the chains that sulked the bond between the two of you, and finally, becoming free.
May 2016 · 483
like a song
Pea May 2016
how did
the universe
come up
with someone
like you?

i question
your
existence
like
i've never
seen anyone
or anything
as riveting
as the way
you say
my
name
like a
song
or a prayer


and i,
i've never
loved
hearing it
as much
as
i do
*now
May 2016 · 900
haiku ; little stars
Pea May 2016
i saw little stars
lined around your patch of scars
and they were glowing
May 2016 · 1.6k
delinquent eyes
Pea May 2016
your pair
of eyes
is like
a thief
to my lips
they steal
my words
away
and leave
me breathless
May 2016 · 454
gunpowder and stardust ☆
Pea May 2016
well
you were made
of gunpowder
and
stardust,

and ****
it when
i touched you
my hands
trembled

but my fingers
dusted off
specks of
**glitter
and
gold
May 2016 · 257
Will St. Ives
Pea May 2016
you cloaked yourself
in pitch black darkness
and planted barriers
to thwart everyone out
your only means for love
is to drown in your own mess
and the words you feed
and leave me stout

you release your demons
so beautifully
that even sweet little angels
cry at your feet
i'm outside the fences every time
you write, waiting patiently
the thought of your words
make both of our ends meet

you are a true Spoken Genius
of your time
with every word dropped,
comes thousands of people in sight
to flip on the light switch
above you is what they cry and pine
so the darkness is no more,
but a room bathed in light
May 2016 · 230
the thing about letting go
Pea May 2016
sometimes,
you don't let go
because
you've given up

sometimes,
you only let go
because
you've been through
enough
May 2016 · 627
make me stay
Pea May 2016
don't untangle yourself
from me

don't stop to breathe
while you're kissing me

don't wish me luck
or send me a goodbye note

don't drive me off
to the airport

don't wave at me
with sad eyes

make me stay,
but don't say it

don't let go
of me instead
May 2016 · 412
Someday, You Will Know
Pea May 2016
You will know everything
because I will tell you
every thing
from the first time I knew
I was in love
and how my harboured feelings
tried to eat me alive

You will know how much
I thought about you a lot
how I wondered about
the routines you never missed
and the places you've gone to
on rainy evenings
I let my mind wonder and wander
around the thought of you

You will know
that I missed you often
even at times when we're
only two seats apart
or when our arms
almost touch on accident
I let my skin miss what yours could
potentially feel like on mine
things i've always wanted my past crush to know
May 2016 · 493
thinking about you hurts
Pea May 2016
i could care less
about you
about how you are doing
about how your day went
about how you are feeling
i could easily
easily
try not
to care about you

but i still do

and it hurts
because
i don't think
i even
cross your mind
for you, will.
so-much-feels-poured-out-on-the-floor moments
</3
May 2016 · 1.4k
pinwheel
Pea May 2016
spin like a never-ending pinwheel
go forth whatever, wherever direction
don't stop
even when you feel woozy





that's the point
(no pun intended lol)
May 2016 · 328
Happiness is when. . .
Pea May 2016
happiness is when i look into you and you
hold me with your knowing gaze that i fear
would bring more butterflies in my stomach

it is when you touch me and draw circles
with your palms around my back when i'm
lonely

it is when your hands feel warm against
my skin even when it's a cold and stormy
world outside

it is when i absent-mindedly throw my head
back and lose myself in laughters and smiles
from the things that you say

it is when you tell me that i make you happy
even when i feel like that is what i lack
talent at

it is in the simple things we do
in the littleness of it all
that i believe in so much
and even until now, i am happy

because happiness is here even when
you're not around, my mind's always been
about you and i will always feel you around
May 2016 · 1.8k
the sky
Pea May 2016
we were
made for the sky
for the beautiful
vastness of it all
the wide stretches
of blues and purples
and pinks
darling,
we were made
for it all
May 2016 · 746
hands
Pea May 2016
so beautiful
yet out of shape
one's longer than the other
a little dented to the side
thumb's thick and fleshy
pinkie's a little bony
strange,
but beautiful hands
hands that i love to hold
when mine inevitably
start to shake
they calm me down
the warmth it seeps
greatly into my skin
the long and winding lines
where my fingers start
to flow and brush down
grazing
needing
so tender
and
calming
May 2016 · 379
S O A P
Pea May 2016
you felt like the sunshine i wake to in the morning
your everlasting warmth and radiance
soothes my heart and soul
i will miss your touch,
the way your fingers brush against my skin
i will miss the way your mouth opens
and closes when it presses against mine
that beautiful force and energy we make
i don't know how i will face the world
now that you're dead and gone
and all that's left of you
is the soap on the shower floor
the last thing that your hands have touched,
and held against your body
the soap, melting, sweating out bubbles,
crackling against the current of waters
crashing down upon it like waterfalls
on the ground,
the cold and solid floor where i held you
for the last time,
where you said the words 'i love you'
for the last time
May 2016 · 462
i hate you, i love you
Pea May 2016
you hate every thing
you hate the birds flying and the sunrise,
the afterglow and things that shine,
the butterflies and my silly haircuts,
the jazz playing and the flower pots
you hate the movies, the ones with Julia Roberts,
my favorite cereal and Gobstoppers,
the way i move away when you try to pinch my cheeks,
the way i undress your buttondown and taste your lips

you hate it, you hate every thing i love
but what's worse is that,
i can never hate you
i will always love you, even for that
May 2016 · 306
11:50AM thoughts
Pea May 2016
with a face so angelic
and a mind so beautiful
like yours,
how could you be
so heartless?
May 2016 · 288
First Times
Pea May 2016
why are we so obsessed
about our first times?

like the first time
we learned to ride a bike
without the training wheels.
we were so happy when we knew
how to maneuver along the way
without us or anyone getting hurt

and the first time
we got a henna tattoo
it looked permanent and
beautifully-inscribed
on the inside skin of our arms
it felt like it could last forever
as long as we looked at it

and the first time
we kissed someone on the lips
we could never forget that memory
it felt like it lasted for years in our minds
every single day we thought about that person
it had all felt softer than of marshmallows
and milk under sunshine,
it tasted better

and the first time
we heard our favorite song
as it played in the background of a movie scene
the lead actors were looking at the horizon
figuring out their feelings for each other
it was a beautiful thing to witness,
and hear at the same time
that somehow in our messed up minds
it managed to seep through
and stay as soon as we searched for the lyrics

first times,
that's just what they are
the times when something good and important
occurs in a timepiece in our lives
worthy to hold on to,
worthy to outlast more glorious memories
far-off better than
the first time

sorry it's a little long
May 2016 · 264
one day.
Pea May 2016
one day,
you will wake up
without the bed of flowers
outside your window that greets you
with delight and sunshine every morning
you will no longer have to drive with squinted eyes
because the sun's going to stop trying to please you; it will die soon
Apr 2016 · 590
if time permits
Pea Apr 2016
someday, you will see me
the way I see you
someday, all the things in my head
will leave and grow in yours
someday, you will care for me
like I have for you all this time
someday, it's all gonna make sense to you
just as I'm starting to fade from the view
Apr 2016 · 248
Untitled
Pea Apr 2016
you see,
I never got tired
of waiting for you
I never doubted
the hidden spark
because I wouldn't
have felt it
if it wasn't true
Apr 2016 · 349
speak
Pea Apr 2016
speak to me
say all that's bottled up
in your caged heart
write it down
pour it on paper
i want to fathom you, and
e v e r y   t  h  i  n  g
you say
to me
i won't care if the letters
are far apart from each other
for as long as you speak
and say everything that's
in there right now
be free to me, dear
be true to me
that's
    all
        i
         ask
Apr 2016 · 1.1k
sabi-sabi
Pea Apr 2016
kung hindi lang din naman ikaw,
huwag nalang
Apr 2016 · 612
Thief
Pea Apr 2016
you are all that i think about
you are the first thing that comes to my mind
when i wake up and the last thing left before
i fall into slumber

you stole my heart away
and replaced my thoughts with the memory
of your face and your voice and your lips
when it cracks open into a smile made for war

you stole my heart and i let you
because i trust to you the only beating thing i have
it beats solely for one thing anyway
its captor, its thief
y o u
y  o  u
y   o   u
Apr 2016 · 296
gossamer
Pea Apr 2016
While I was sitting on
the concrete edge,
I looked up at the sky
and the clouds hovering over.
I thought about you,
yet again.

And even though all I see
were huge masses of white gossamer
and all I feel was the sun's rays
bathing our area,
I still see you
and I still feel you.
Everywhere.
this is for you, Will.
Apr 2016 · 859
vi. six words
Pea Apr 2016
you are
my
favorite
celestial
body
yes
Apr 2016 · 599
waiting
Pea Apr 2016
the longer i wait,
the amount of questions
about why i have come
to love you triples
and i don't have
the answers anymore

the longer i wait,
the more i question myself
if waiting for you
is still the only
worthwhile thing
that's ever mattered
to me

the longer i wait,
i learn about myself more
and that the ticking clock
behind me would
eventually speed up
to the time
i will be able to hear
from you
again

and i no longer have to wait
for the meantime
Apr 2016 · 530
one day
Pea Apr 2016
and then
one day,
i just stopped
thinking
about
you
the way
i
do
now
hoping against hope that, yes. someday. i'm just so tired already.
Mar 2016 · 546
in my dream
Pea Mar 2016
in my dream,*
we lay in a field of daisies
talking like we weren't strangers
we were two souls laughing like crazy
and this was our moment to savor

in my dream,
you recited about the moon and her lustrous tales
like it was your mouth's native language
i stare at your moving lips and wondered about its taste
fond details that my mind could never damage

in my dream,
we were happy, we were full of light
as the daisies around us swayed in the breeze
i stayed wrapped under your arms, fearing no flight
wanting this all to last like how it's supposed to be
the reality, though.
Mar 2016 · 424
more than good enough
Pea Mar 2016
don't look down on yourself
there's nothing to see but your
precious, little heart in there
where you keep on aiming rocks at
you hate that it's feeling,
when you don't want to anymore

it's okay, darling

look into the vast cerulean up above you instead
it is mirroring the radiance you don't know
you have been giving off
you are worthy of being loved, darling
you are more than good enough
just remember this
Mar 2016 · 496
coffee breaths
Pea Mar 2016
the sun is out, babe
it's spread out on our bed sheets
the streaks of daybreak
blazed up on our skin

your freckled face in daylight
a burst of stardust around your eyes
i count them to make me feel alright
you look away to give up a fight

you lift your coffee mug to your lips
gulping down the morning brew
i leave kiss marks down your fingertips
and catch a whiff of fresh coffee, too
:)
Mar 2016 · 356
Dear,
Pea Mar 2016
you are my remedy
to the ill feelings I bear towards myself
you make me feel lovely
like sadness was a foreign thing to my lips

you make the pain go away
like there never was soreness in my limbs
you are the only living thing that I need
to heal and feel truly beautiful again
dear #1
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