apart from the rent that's 12 weeks overdue,
the 7 missed voice memos,
the special midweek lunches you have
that you pass perspiring paper boxes of
respectably uneaten quesadillas that
christen your laundered floors,
that i refuse out of fasting as an excuse
so as to not add up to—
what i owe you:

the music, the rawness of Vancouver Sleep Clinic
and The Psychedelic Furs at two in the morning
when i can't sleep, so you wouldn't either.

the good dreams, when you told me if only
nightmares had brakes, i wouldn't suffer another.

and you were my other,

what i owe you:

all the wrong reasons to the right ones
i never meant to say,
out of fright of out of fright of out of fright
of love,

a sober kiss good night,
half asleep a giggle and
awake on a morning that only smells like
waffles, some borrowed French cologne and you.

before sunrise treads,
make me your nest.
sculpt your universe
in my harrowed chest—
i'll allow you to.

give me a moment of silence
to recall myself before you
and why you'd came;
the science and the art
of your being,
and my ways you've changed.

before sunrise treads,
you'll be gone.
i'll embrace our fate,
but i'd refuse to rid
your porcelain skin draped over me.

with your face close
enough to defeat the rays
and it's far too late,
i know it's tiring.
let me be your home
but i'll leave you be.

tequila tongues and 2AM cigarette strolls
empty, spotless bathroom stalls
you give me nothing, i give my all
"forever's just a word," written on these walls

i was alright until now
you left me needy
you left me longing for your skin
you left me missing the taste of your weary fingers
you left me like you left your songs playing in your mom's balcony
those tunes that did nothing but talk about anger and ***
god
g o d
i miss those songs
i miss your breath
even when it meant that i'd have to deal with your cigarettes
i miss the muscles on your face when i ask you to smile for me
i miss sinning with you

but even when i miss everything,
darling, *i just don't miss you

when you wake up in the morning
and the sun doesn't shine,
you'll find it in your arms,
seeping in your veins

grow flowers in my mind
paint my stone cold heart
kiss thy lips bathed in wine
don't you know, you're a piece of art?

You rain with glitter
You are made of gold
You are far too precious
To exist in this world
Only to be sold*

You touch everything
The way your mom had taught you to:
With delicate hands and a mouth made
For soundness

Love,
You are yours
And yours only
Do not let them touch you
And pull your soul out
Of its porcelain cage

Love,
You are yours,
You will always be

you keep on saying
you'll get back
to the way things were
when i'm finally done with you

and even though
i still want nothing but to take those
midnight phone calls that lasted til
the early morning hours back

i finally,

finally

can
let you go
now

because i know
that this time
it's better than
holding onto something
that would only end up
*       r                         i  
b                a       k            
           e                                 g
                                     n*  
                                      

and

f
   a
      l
         l
      i
  n
        g
in the end

i've drained out
all the hope
that was left

*when you
left

don't leave when i tell you to
because darling, all i need in this world
right now is your fingers laced with mine,
the feeling of your breath against my neck,
your soft mouth over my collarbone,
your eyes watching me.
because when i say leave, i mean it like
a synonym to please please please stay.

it's all fun and games
until we both
get sick and tired of hiding
from the truth that refuses to be freed
and seeking for something
that is most probably never going
to come anyway

there was a time before we fell
into this ravine where we are now,
when i reminded myself to know
my boundaries. to recall that i've been
broken enough before to gamble my heart again.
to think things through before i spit them out
of my mouth. i can still remember that i never
wanted you the way that i do now.
i never intended to.
all i wanted was to ***** your monochromatic heart
and feel you bleed sweet technicolor lies and lullabies.
but now, where are we now?
i chased after you, bleeding yourself dry you told me
without turning your head, that you're through with me.
that you're done trying to make me feel sunshine and
sunflowers within me when i'm unhappy.
so i stopped running.
and i watched you go as you carried with one hand
your heart and its veins drenched in black and white.

one-night stand conversations
are probably
all
we'll ever
be

i wrote you a letter,
i guess you haven't read.

i wrote you another one,
because what should i do
if you're the only thing
in my head?

I say this to myself
one last time
as I close the front door
behind me:

*"Stop getting yourself
too attached to people.

They leave and it’s sad.

But it’s even sadder
to look at yourself,
peeling off the skin
that once touched and knew
yours so well."

i saw him in the hallway this morning,
his head was bowed down.
though i don't know what he's looking at
or why his eyes were glued to the ground,
i know from before that they were deep-set brown.

i'm just a conflation
of swollen lips
and drunken midnights

To the boy who has my heart, if we were any more real.*

If we were, I’ll surprise you more often. So please don’t get ******* if someone knocks on your door at 1AM while you’re still asleep. That would be me standing on your doorway, cradling a tupperware of leftover pizza and a bunch of rented movies. I’d risk an all-nighter just to be with you.

If we were, I will be your number one fan. I’ll sneak out just to watch your football games. I won’t be ashamed of standing on the bleachers just to cheer for you. I won’t hesitate to chant boo’s against your opponents. It’s going to be worthwhile anyway.

If we were, every second will be golden. Even the little stops we’ll make to get ice cream cones from the store. Even the times we’ll forget to bring an umbrella and we’ll have no choice but walk through the puddles and get ourselves rained on. Every little memory will be an important story.

If we were, we’d go on spontaneous road trips together. We’ll sing to the songs playing nonstop on the radio. We’d go places we’ve been to before, we’d visit places we never knew existed. We’d go everywhere together. We’d go on adventures like our parents didn’t warn us about our curfews.

If we were, you won’t ever have to feel inferior to everyone and everything anymore. For the reason that is, you are the sun. Please don’t forget that. You are the sun aglow when everything else is pitch black.

To the boy who has my heart, you’ve long been the pinnacle of my list.
Nothing’s gonna change that. You are irreplaceable. You are worth every thing, little or big. You deserve to know how amazing you are every day.

Someday, someone will own that beating thing inside of you. She will make you feel flowers growing in the pit of your stomach. She will kindle the fireworks in your blank, inky nights. She will make you feel loved. I want to be that person.

And I’ll tell you, that’s all I ever want to be.

After all, you are the boy etched in my insides.

*The boy who has my heart.

My eyes still burn from the tears of gasoline you poured down on me.

How could someone who have given you so much joy every day could suddenly make you want to withdraw them out of your life without any sort of sirens singing around? When our two worlds collided, they were comprised of a confetti of a hundred different things, some were vibrant reds and others atrocious yellows.

From an outrageous exchange of IM’s, being picky with certain kinds of food, talking about weird teachers, sharing an umbrella when the sun’s out and when the skies throw a fit at us, and you being gaga over your bizarre fantasies that I will never understand.

The things that should have been disturbing to me, didn’t even matter. Because it was you. You were the one who mattered.

Do you remember our first conversation?*

You probably don’t. But, I still do. I was the one who approached you first. But then again as time flew by, I’m always the one approaching you first. But I never minded. I never did because I’ve always thought that it was a thing so superficial and minor that it should not have even been a thing. ‘Cause who the ******* hell cares if I talked to you first? All I wanted was to talk with you anyway. I thought it wouldn’t matter to us in the coming years.

There were those days when all I wanted to do was snuggle up close to my laptop screen and talk to you nonstop about anything left on the shelves to pick at. I’d try to tell you things of my own but you’d always manage to twist it around making every thing else about you a little so suddenly. That never failed to leave me feeling all confused and dubious, though. But I forced myself to believe that I just didn’t know how to converse as riveting as you are.

A handful of people around would tell me that I deserved better. That being with you, changed how I spoke and acted in an unpleasant way. But I thought to myself, “Why would I think that? You are so important to me. I would never."

True. Because hey, you mattered to me. But, why did it seem like I never did, even at the faintest bit, to you? What was the matter with me? Was I completely ****** for being just so comfortable with you whenever we’re talking that I even cuss, call you names and point your flaws out? I never meant every offensive thing that got to my head, though. I just crave for your attention all the time. But you still liked me around. You never showed that you even cared about me acting “psychotically”. You probably even liked me being clingy and needy like the girlfriend you never had.

But, this time… I’ll have to do something for myself. I’d have to stop thinking about what is good for you or for the both of us. I have to let go. I have to give up on the future that we picture ourselves embracing together. You have to let yourself be, and in order to do that, you have to leave me out of it. You wouldn’t want me sticking around. I couldn't stand it too, trust me.

You care about yourself more than anyone. I’m not regarding this in a standalone paragraph because it is the perceivable truth. It is in fact a sad truth but, it isn’t sad for you. You should be happy that you are being well-taken cared of. By yourself. I’ll give you a pat on the back for that.

Giving up on someone does not solely entitle the fact that you are letting go of him or her—or for the best of times, in that matter. Giving up on someone also means that you are untying the chains that sulked the bond between the two of you, and finally, becoming free.

happiness is when i look into you and you
hold me with your knowing gaze that i fear
would bring more butterflies in my stomach

it is when you touch me and draw circles
with your palms around my back when i'm
lonely

it is when your hands feel warm against
my skin even when it's a cold and stormy
world outside

it is when i absent-mindedly throw my head
back and lose myself in laughters and smiles
from the things that you say

it is when you tell me that i make you happy
even when i feel like that is what i lack
talent at

it is in the simple things we do
in the littleness of it all
that i believe in so much
and even until now, i am happy

because happiness is here even when
you're not around, my mind's always been
about you and i will always feel you around

we were
made for the sky
for the beautiful
vastness of it all
the wide stretches
of blues and purples
and pinks
darling,
we were made
for it all

so beautiful
yet out of shape
one's longer than the other
a little dented to the side
thumb's thick and fleshy
pinkie's a little bony
strange,
but beautiful hands
hands that i love to hold
when mine inevitably
start to shake
they calm me down
the warmth it seeps
greatly into my skin
the long and winding lines
where my fingers start
to flow and brush down
grazing
needing
so tender
and
calming

you felt like the sunshine i wake to in the morning
your everlasting warmth and radiance
soothes my heart and soul
i will miss your touch,
the way your fingers brush against my skin
i will miss the way your mouth opens
and closes when it presses against mine
that beautiful force and energy we make
i don't know how i will face the world
now that you're dead and gone
and all that's left of you
is the soap on the shower floor
the last thing that your hands have touched,
and held against your body
the soap, melting, sweating out bubbles,
crackling against the current of waters
crashing down upon it like waterfalls
on the ground,
the cold and solid floor where i held you
for the last time,
where you said the words 'i love you'
for the last time

you hate every thing
you hate the birds flying and the sunrise,
the afterglow and things that shine,
the butterflies and my silly haircuts,
the jazz playing and the flower pots
you hate the movies, the ones with Julia Roberts,
my favorite cereal and Gobstoppers,
the way i move away when you try to pinch my cheeks,
the way i undress your buttondown and taste your lips

you hate it, you hate every thing i love
but what's worse is that,
i can never hate you
i will always love you, even for that

one day,
you will wake up
without the bed of flowers
outside your window that greets you
with delight and sunshine every morning
you will no longer have to drive with squinted eyes
because the sun's going to stop trying to please you; it will die soon

someday, you will see me
the way I see you
someday, all the things in my head
will leave and grow in yours
someday, you will care for me
like I have for you all this time
someday, it's all gonna make sense to you
just as I'm starting to fade from the view

speak to me
say all that's bottled up
in your caged heart
write it down
pour it on paper
i want to fathom you, and
e v e r y   t  h  i  n  g
you say
to me
i won't care if the letters
are far apart from each other
for as long as you speak
and say everything that's
in there right now
be free to me, dear
be true to me
that's
    all
        i
         ask

kung hindi lang din naman ikaw,
huwag nalang

you are all that i think about
you are the first thing that comes to my mind
when i wake up and the last thing left before
i fall into slumber

you stole my heart away
and replaced my thoughts with the memory
of your face and your voice and your lips
when it cracks open into a smile made for war

you stole my heart and i let you
because i trust to you the only beating thing i have
it beats solely for one thing anyway
its captor, its thief
y o u
y  o  u
y   o   u

you are
my
favorite
celestial
body

the longer i wait,
the amount of questions
about why i have come
to love you triples
and i don't have
the answers anymore

the longer i wait,
the more i question myself
if waiting for you
is still the only
worthwhile thing
that's ever mattered
to me

the longer i wait,
i learn about myself more
and that the ticking clock
behind me would
eventually speed up
to the time
i will be able to hear
from you
again

and i no longer have to wait
for the meantime

and then
one day,
i just stopped
thinking
about
you
the way
i
do
now

in my dream,*
we lay in a field of daisies
talking like we weren't strangers
we were two souls laughing like crazy
and this was our moment to savor

in my dream,
you recited about the moon and her lustrous tales
like it was your mouth's native language
i stare at your moving lips and wondered about its taste
fond details that my mind could never damage

in my dream,
we were happy, we were full of light
as the daisies around us swayed in the breeze
i stayed wrapped under your arms, fearing no flight
wanting this all to last like how it's supposed to be

the sun is out, babe
it's spread out on our bed sheets
the streaks of daybreak
blazed up on our skin

your freckled face in daylight
a burst of stardust around your eyes
i count them to make me feel alright
you look away to give up a fight

you lift your coffee mug to your lips
gulping down the morning brew
i leave kiss marks down your fingertips
and catch a whiff of fresh coffee, too