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 Jul 2019 Pea
Midnight Rain
 Jul 2019 Pea
Midnight Rain
it is not that
you are not separate
from me which makes me restless;

it is that you are of me.

that i see you
and with you is my aks, reflection.
what nature of vanity
is this, my love —i look to you and see only myself?

Aks: urdu word for reflection
 Jul 2019 Pea
Midnight Rain
 Jul 2019 Pea
Midnight Rain
your eyes
are not eyes they are
pools of yearning,
solemnly running through
the crowd
reflecting everything in you

this is why you keep your gaze down
 Nov 2018 Pea
 Nov 2018 Pea
I let different boys touch me
Because I wanted to know
Even for a second
What it felt like to be loved
Even if that love was cheap
And it tasted like ***
Like the punchline to a joke
I never got because it was me

I let different boys have different parts of me
Parts that they didn't deserve
But I offered up willingly because I couldn't give anything else
Because you broke me
And I was looking for different fingers
To place different pieces and hoping
That the outcome would be a masterpiece
That maybe one of them would find a way
To cover up the handprints you left all over me

I let different boys touch me because I had to prove to myself that you wouldn't be the only one
That the scars that mark my body wouldn't define my worth to be loved
I am still not entirely sure that you aren't the only one
Who could ever touch me

I let different boys touch me because that is all I have been taught
To be a joke
To be silent
To be ready to give until you have nothing left
- I am hoping one of them will show me
- they keep leaving me and I am to scared to offer up anything more than my body to get them to stay
 Oct 2018 Pea
the recall
 Oct 2018 Pea
the warmest kiss from the softest lips.
the finger tips tracing stars on my hips.
the sweetest song of my name he'd sing.
my angel boy with a severed wing.
i have mended the wing, he has risen from the fall.
now he is but only a memory i wish to never recall.
ayesha. h [2o18]
it's 3a.m. and i can't stop crying
 Feb 2018 Pea
 Feb 2018 Pea
consistent contradictions
gambling away my
happiness to the gods,
or the devils,
i can never tell which
i can never tell which
witches are good
and which ones are bad
and i'm on the edge of
glory and humiliation.
consistent contradictions
of a woman whose heart
is not in her body but
within another's, whose
home is june and whose
jail is the present
presently prosecuting
my own **** fingers
for falling and failing
and fumbling for the
light switch
for faltering and
sweltering in the heat
of heaven or hell
i can never tell which.
i can never
anxiety and loneliness are a dangerous combination
 Feb 2018 Pea
i. the curly, green-haired
leo with the cry-baby tattoo
on her left calf; fish net stockings and
loud guitar playing and
menthol cigarettes. driving through
the park at 9 pm, ***** shots,
the white house with the a-frame roof,
hugs that made your heart feel as warm
as she did

crying as i left my room again to be
intertwined with a girl who did not love me, but i wanted to;
months pass, lonely car rides with
one-sided conversations and
seven years gone,
quiet disconnection
that made you feel as cold
as i did

ii. brown eyes, brown skin,
round glasses and chicago streetlights.
holding each other close on the subway
lakehouse parties in the beginning of spring and
pisces season and tarot readings and
soft kisses on the train.
holding hands at the aquarium,
sweet poetry and calm and
a sense of oneness that made you feel

hurt for the third time
a panic, a loss
i held their heart in my hands and
let it fall
i still carry the guilt on my fingertips

iii. short hair. freckled cheeks, i
fell in love with the way the skin
crinkled around her eyes when she smiled.
an apartment, a home built
around our lips touching
wrapped in blankets on the couch,
dense smoke and her hand on my leg while she
drove. chinese food and
waking up against her chest and
laughing so hard
my ribs hurt

crashing. her anger withering away my
heartstrings; pain and
crying alone in the bathtub
moving away
drunk tears on the interstate
punching my thighs
in place of the way her
words made
me hurt
feeling extra lonely these days. they come and go.
 Nov 2017 Pea
who took away your softness
and made you feel
the harshness of the ocean?
who took your tide away?
your lips tasted of salt once
but the blue dye of your
ocean has begun to fade.
you were then
so plump and mighty,
but today you lie flat
in the shallowest of
tangled in the algae
gathered by
your fingers
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