im such a big girl
i should be proud of myself
because i dont cry

it feels bitter
and distant
to seek something
which i never had

I can't sleep
I blame it on the spiders
That wind thin intricate
Webs of thoughts
Through my head

i wish you could've seen me today.

i sat out in front of the library thumbing through old issues of food and wine

played miles hodges and zora howard in my ear

picked at leaves

and let the sprinkle of rain and tugging wind caress me

i stupidly imagined it was you gently patting my head instead.

my knees would attempt to give out in my walk around campus whenever your smile appeared in my thoughts

a grin widening from cheek to cheek

it creases your eyes and makes you look wise

older, i think.

also,

yesterday i said i wouldn't write any more love poems

and by God, i meant to have meant it

but what's a girl to do when you have a smile like that!

for now i read bits of my aldanov, cram accounting, shuffle from bed to the library, tutor, pray, and fast like a good girl.

no music, no friends, no sugar, no oversharing, and **** sure no boys.

i've been trying so long now to only care about the deen.

cocoon in the Qur'an, never miss or delay a prayer, never miss an opportunity to fast or do remembrance. and most of all don't desire!! especially something as silly as a boy from a different world, completely unmoved or disturbed at best by crazy ole ugly little me. i seriously want to just disintegrate into nothing. be nothing. do nothing but pray and read.

but every browning page reminds me of your skin. and the rain, your smile. i'm sorry. sorry that i'm here where you are. sorry that i'm so, so obviously enamored with you. sorry, that i can't hide it. sorry that i can't stop it. sorry that i can't do better. i'm sorry.

"I Love You"s melted

Under my tongue 'til you were

Yet bitter nostalgia,

Yet the feeling of emptiness

Yet the absence of memories

Yet the memories of absence.


Let the shadow of those two petals rest

And rim a mirage over my lips.

Let that serve as a reminder of the venom behind every kiss.

Let me accept the reality that you mean me no good.

That I should’ve stopped when I still could.


Take heed that I want more.

Take to heart I’m too vulnerable to make these kinds of decisions.

Take pity that I’m too submissive to threaten your position.

Take this kiss as a final blow.

As a signature of defeat.

This coup d’etat

The last draw in heat.

At this late hour
We tarry over tea and
Enchase each other

from [redacted]. to [redacted]. to [redacted].

1.
first impressions have always failed us.
i'm sorry.
sweet and shy quickly burned into a numb saccharine.
i apologize for the unpleasantries.
for i know that i may appear gentle but i do bite
and i merely wanted to show you my teeth.

2.
you're beautiful.
i could never tell you so up close
but since we've met, i've counted every lash on your lower lid and chased strays across your cheeks behind my eyes every night before i sleep.

3.
i loved you a stomach's full.
when i got home i rewinded your every word slowly like a vhs tape
dissected and digested each sound steadily
hid every syllable under my tongue to feast upon later
and let the fricatives kiss the front of my teeth.
i let the rolling, darkness of your timbre shiver down my spine and up again.
baby boy, your accent is guttural
yet your tongue never clips.
you give it to me straight,
sweet legato flowing from your lips.
your words are movements
and our conversations symphonic
it hurts most of all that to have earned your silence

4.
would you mind if we just talked some things out?
if you forgot every time i disappointed you
and viewed me as a woman
again.
i don't ask that you forgive me,
but know that i'm sorry.

5.
you made me angry.
a hell of a lot.
teeth shattering
lung seizing
6/8 time signature heart beating
seeing and tasting copper
dog mad
******
and all for reasons i can't admit.

6.
i've loved you a night's full
past the brim of isha
to the lips of salatul duha.
i prayed istikhara in the last third of the night
when God descended to the stars
as if to proclaim my love to Him and the billions of celestial witnesses

7.
i greedily want it all
all of you
to taste every smile
true or for show
to wipe away your tears
and lay your head on my chest
to coax out the little boy inside you're afraid to share with everyone else.
to have your trust and make you feel like a man all the same.
can i be that for you?

i'll admit i don't sleep

there isn't room for it anymore

and i don't pray

for now i'll watch out for spiders

vexed.
i moan and wallow
in the bitterness of my nafs
the part of me that wants you more than my next breath.
thinking
of what i'd do to you
or her.
punish you.
mindfuck you like you manipulated me.
make you rue my tears and insanity.
then i settle.
back into sadness- sober reality.
that you'll never be mine
and you deserve each other.
congrats.

it took four-twenty five and hours of unrest to write this poem
this is not an ode or a shout-out
yet merely a confession
a recollection
of nights spent staring up at the dull off-white sky of my ceiling as if I was bathing in moonlight or basking in sun gleam
I pop two bennys
four
six
As many as it takes until
I succumb
Laying lull and sedated
Captive to nothing but my unconscious

honey is a runner.
he stares at the tangling dance of his fingers and laces
when he ties his shoes.
left,
then right.
his eyebrows tugged precariously in concentration.
he doesn't realize how he clenches his teeth until he's bitten his tongue or his jaw cramps.
i'm here to remind him.
his long legs take a stride for my single steps
i can only chase after the insignia on his windbreaker as he paces his run.
eventually he stops
and turns
and waits-
a smile present .
as if the sight of my stubby little legs pumping forward is entertaining.
after a goal is exceeded, we circle back to my humble abode.
our sneakers sit next to each other on my little foyer's rack.
i shower then we split a plate of chaffles and a *** of chai.
honey places me on his chest and reads something about a revolution
somewhere
somewhere cold and European
far from the warm comfort of my sleeper sofa and messy bookshelves.
what could be more revolutionary than this?
i inhale the sweet taste of his aroma and quietly revel
soak in amazement of my fortune.

solange say self care be a safe space.
a place to love.
to not deal.
months into therapy and i have not begun to heal.
the doctor say i got PTSD.
recommends skills for coping that i done heard before like
post it's of encouragement decorating my vanity
traumatic memories written pretty and rhythmic in a journal
stress wrapped beneath my prayer dress as i kneel in sujood
disorder made neat with Google calendar routines
or
something like that.
solange say self care be your house.
the comfort of hiding.
the keeping your mental safe.
see
i ain't slept in days.
because at some point the journey to bed transcended a frame of time.
became star gazing up at the texture of my ceiling.
became laps around the park at 3 am
became me welcoming lovers into my space to ferry me to my dreams.
solange say self care be your partner.
be eclipsing in the warmth of your love.
staying protected inside of complacency.
i welcomed him. them. the toxicity
my flesh still crawls at the shadow sensation of arms encasing my frame
coiling around me like snakes.
i have yet to understand love but i have grown accustomed to the volition of being ******.
or so i tell myself.
solange say self care be a mission.
a journey in itself.
to find rest in oneself.
i may not know nothing about no logical course of action or emotion
but some nights i find myself blazing down highland as if it was aṣ-Ṣirāṭ al-mustaqīm
and i get so frightened to my core of the honking horns and leering strangemen that i **** near prostrate myself on the street and make dua for protection and guidance.
say self care-
self care is...
self care be-
self care be tidying the mess that is i.
braiding my hair just for a ***** to pull on it.
wearing a pretty dress just for somebody to make me feel ***** in it.
coloring just to break the crayons in stupor.
making tea just for it to line my throat as bile.
laying down to sleep just to be awake for hours.
self care be a fight.
be a rush of anxiety imposing upon my nights
self care be a dream
a sweaty nightmare of ****** pressed against my back and weight dropping upon my shoulders.
self care be a struggle
self care be a disorder
self care be disorder
self care be me smiling in the mirror and saying mashallah i'm here ain't it?
it's ok to take this **** day by day.

each inhale becomes
more and more painful to pass
my lungs seize in shame

I don't give a ****
About financial statements
How about we just...

matteus is sickly sweet.
residue on my thighs
and an ache in my teeth.
he is incessant on my mind
and absent from my bed.
part of me wishes him gone
part of me wishes to see him again.

These days you feel like a burden in my heart
Your mere image is now foreign
Pagan and
Obscene
I cannot bare to face you
I cannot bare to carry this weight alone
It's been days
Weeks
Your presences lingers
Unfaltering-
Never wavering
Refusing to
Drift away
Fade away from
My memories.
I cannot cry it away
I occasionally shed dry tears
I cannot eat it away
You eat at me-
Tear a pit into my stomach
I cannot starve it away
My cheeks hallow and i see your sunken in smile blinking back at me

Off on a tangent
My fingers in transient
Clasping and clutching
sensing and touching-
While they still can,
Before our crossroads split
And exigency omits
That peculiar feeling of familiarity
And all absconds that impression of clarity
Then it is goodbye
With all relics of that high
All remnants of our contingence
Because our futility is insistent

Bursts of thoughts
Resting
Waxing
Waning
Hiding
Anxious to be materialized
Never seeing the light of day

smoke in my eyes
cicadas in the distance
i think may cry tonight.
**** ain't been as sweet as this swisher smoke
or stolen mints at tim's.
i think i may disappear into the foliage and concrete.
i think tomorrow is as bitter as yesterday.

you feed me by hand
I don't care how little
or how much
because this is the most delicious thing i've had in a long while.
you are at fault for
the overflow of trepidation collecting across my tongue that accuses me
the mess i've made of my head assuming.
I have equal fault and take the guilt as it comes
like when you benefit me with conversation
shower just enough discipline and attention
to guide me slowly but surely
steady
or when i procure my own fantasia
blissed in my own imagination
anticipation
curiosity
of what satisfies your appetite.

trepidation peaks.
this might be the truman show.
a full crowd watches.

Dear Eve,
The beat of my heart
The gasp and sigh of my lungs
The conversation hid under my tongue
You are my passion.
My everlasting light.
The promise of dawn that pacifies me through night.

Eve,
I am nothing without you.
I am nothing without the balm of your fragrance,
The compassion of your embrace.
The warmth of your smile.


Eve,
You carried my burdens on your back
You bared the weight of the world
You birthed my sorrow and pain
I bled and drained you for my gain.

Eve,
Will you stay by my side?
Will you promise?

Eve,
Will you smile once more?
Do I deserve solace?

Eve,
Forgive me.
I welcome my fate.
But I can’t accept yours.

when i think of you
i think of
the fragrancía of fresh pan dulce
and spice
and warmth
and verde
and barefoot dancing.
concrete and tamales.
mississippi blues
and playing in the delta.
joy.
i picture your blooming smile
spreading across your face
like marigolds and magnolias.
you are a pleasant breeze.
as delightful and curt as spring.
I'll close my eyes,
bathe in the balmy sun,
let the gentle wind embrace me,
curl my toes in the grass,
outstretch my arms
and enjoy you as you pass.

you completed me.
wings fragmenting through breeze,
your nafs' memories
locate where my honey seeps.
tarry and bathe
in this stream.
soak me in
golden hue
browning
blushing
blossoming
like honeysuckle do.
reap me
like i'm new.
sow depth
so fresh, so green brown earth blue.
and our fruit will bare true,
continual and carnate cycles,
like nature do.
and what am i
but the river's image
of you?

i am the blues
the blues is truth
and i refuse
to let you steal
my truth before it reaches my tongue
my blues before i can sing it

I am excessive
Like the incessant honk of the train blazing down highland
Like the rain when I've conveniently left my umbrella home.

I do not know how to form a balance
Organize chaos
Tidy the mess that is I

I gorge and tarry

i call kecia and she wants to know what's up
but i cannot fit my truth around a mouthful of tooth decay and nicotine.
i want to tell her that **** ain't as sweet as this swisher smoke
that some of this **** is too hard to swallow
so i thought i'd choke
"is that all?" she asks
and no it's not but what the **** else can i say

love is not blind
it is selfish
it boasts
it cannot make up its mind
or admit to its faults
this is me loving me the only way i know how

a room with a view
a frosted window iced shut
a portal to you
gazing out is like looking through a viewfinder
you breeze by quickly as you normally do.
gaze downwards, pointed at the earth.
i choose these moments to stare
get my fill
something to think about as i stare up at my ceiling tonight
or out in the rain when every falling, flitting leaf reminds me of the sweet boy with cedar eyes

i wanna ask you
"what about that *****, Ken
you still **** with him?"

i'm so curious
yet so aware of my place-
I'm not even ranked

Im less a person
So i feel i am not equal
More of a burden

“I Love You”s melted
Under my tongue ‘til you were
Bitter nostalgia

i swear i'll stop the i, i, i and me, me, me
i know it's like a broken record
flat notes and crooked chords
a walk of shame on my keyboard
i must know that the world does not revolve around mj
even when it closes in on me
kisses fresh trauma and scars so deep
nursing wounds that refuse to heal
i want to self pity
i want the validation
this is me opening my legs to the world
accepting that things will never go my way

plagued by the dark past
i keep gaslighting myself
ready to forget

what little is left
clutch it like a cornerstone
don't let it leave soon

become so partial
to living that i become
impartial to death

thicker than water
how can i begin to wade?
or keep from drowning

i can't go away
disintegrate so finely
and settle like dust

i'm tied along the
seams of kyoko's bed sheets
laying there, frozen

i am a haiku
a forced alignment of thoughts
that make zero sense

is it okay to
want so much & work so hard
yet have so little?

My house is made of cards and glass
a frame of sticks and straw
a base of mud
a roof of tin

I am confined to these four corners
defined by the paint peeling from the walls
the veil of glass shards under my feet
pricking me like little needles

Pungent and fetid
it's radiating from the carpet
heat seeking and
desperate to invade my senses

Lead chipping from the ceiling-
the ceiling might cave in
The roof may realize it can longer shield me
It cannot hold my burdens, any longer

The thin walls might falter
might waver against the loud noise
the forte of shouting and yelling
It’s all subject to collapse

The windows cracked
like veins
Shattered church mosaics
that open to the little light that never shines

I cannot breathe in these cramped quarters
in the dark of my basement
in the cell of a prison
in the bowels of a slave ship

I am suffocated from every angle
until I can’t breathe
until I am no longer happy
nor welcome in my own home

I am on the cusp of eviction
in a situation that for once cannot be solved through diction
These walls talk for me
as I still struggle around the lyrics of my Harlem fiction

I cannot step outside the front door
though I try so hard I am always trapped
I am convinced I can’t make it outside these walls
the same walls that crowd and constrict

The price of living has become unreasonable
My indentured wages cannot pay these bills
I’m desperate and cutting deals
These walls will tumble any second

My pride has long since crumbled

I stay-
squalering in the filth and debris
because I fear I do not deserve anything greater

I stay-
choking around my pride
because I feel I am not equal

I stay-
decaying in poverty
because I have always settled for less

off on a tangent
my thoughts in transient
racing and rushing

your curious gaze,
teasing smile, laughter. languid
like straight tequila.

ever flowing and
missing the rim of my cup
an intentful flow.

alikened to shame and
reddened on my dark cheeks like
ripened tomatoes.

you are a pleasant
sharp tasting fruit. bitter yet
ready to be plucked.

vineless. ever free.
forbidden. incandescent
and reflective shine.

i'll meet you on my own time
when i'm ready
although i may not know if that time comes

i must have spiders eating at my brain or some ****
because at this point even english dont make sense
all i know is that feeling of paranoia
that shameful fear of the dark
and what awaits inside it

Threadbare tapestry
Spreading dust and memories
Unravels slowly

i saw the gap again today.
half of me was begging to stay.
i took care not to enter.
if i did i may have disappeared.

another man is going to have my body.
devour my flesh and break my bones.
and it aches.
my vow to celibacy and solitude is only a word away.

tell me you don't want to see me with someone else.
that only you deserve my time and space.
i'm already committed, i just await your grace.

martyr me with your tongue.
satiate me and subdue my conscience in a way only you know how.

i feel as though i belong to you.
though not you to me