I hope I am grace to you
I hope I am the most powerful inspiration for good from a woman ever given to you
I hope I am a stonewall to you
A picture of the surest **** that ever kept Holland dry to you
I hope I am a warcry to you, what caused Braveheart to go and fight to you
I hope I am rest to you
I hope I am joy to you
I hope that I am hope to you
And I hope I am these things forever to you

it is not always after rain
we see a rainbow
but sometimes as it pours

Throw your dice as you might
but you will never win the World’s game
For the rules always change
faster and faster as the day wains

I long to be loved
So I love
I long to be seen
So I see
I long to be believed
So I believe
I long to be prayed for
So I pray for
I long to be validated
So I validate
I long to be the inspiration for poems
So I allow people to inspire me to poetry
I long to be accepted
So I accept
I long to be understood
So I work to understand
I long to be appreciated
So I easily appreciate
I long to be pleasing
So I am easily pleased
I long to be art
So I make art

Dear
with you
It’s like time slows
ever so slightly
And the world opens up for me
you add a little bit of flame to my star
I grow each time I see you
How else do I tell you I love you?

I stood unsteady,
Young feet unready,
To declare the truth of my stance,
I shudder at what I could have become,
Saying I loved what I knew nothing of,
Surfing the deep water,
Filled with monsters,
Thank God He looked down,
And we both walked away,
I swear I'll never,
Lie so softly,
Or even try to care,
For my passions are stubborn,
And will change at their will,
I have learned,
That happiness never hides,
Each time my joy begins to drip,
When I fear my own mystery,
Oh the difference,
To the times I hear my words in others songs,
And seek to sing my own for them.

I love the sea fiercely, as I love the sand and mangoes,
I love you fiercely, as many a poem of mine shows,
You wove the two together, and I do not know whether,
They shall ever, be separate again.
Frustration wells within,
As my thoughts begin,
To turn towards the fact that you won’t ever love me,
I can’t bear it for long, and push you aside,
I won’t be depressed, or succumb to the tide,
Frustration again! I can’t have it my way,
That the first boy I’d fall for, would be mine to stay

I watch smoke curl up from a brick chimney
as light snow drifts down in the illumination of bright windows
I admire the carefully crafted red eaves
and notice how cleverly the columns of the wrap around porch have been carved to resemble primeval forests
Warm air leaks out from the house and comes to caress my frozen face
I never considered staying in this country until I saw that home
and now I stand
conflicted in my Winter Wandering

my heart shivers and shakes
like a little bird succumbing in the snow
I clamp my hands over my ears
“DO NOT FEAR!”
plays repetitively over loudspeakers
I’ve heard that doing the right thing is always the hardest choice
It’s not
maybe it is
But I’m working myself harder than God ever would
it’s my own hands amping up scatters of truth to terrifying decibels
my own hands pressing play for another episode

Today I still feel like I’m suffocating
And my anger starts to boil faster . . .
It will be 12 years in January . . .
13 years old when I fell foul prey
to an illness many say
is caused by saying “Yes” too much
and too little else
These stupid 1% diseases
caused by lack of fermented foods and adequate self-actualization
I don’t identify with this illness
I don’t think I’d be noticeably different without it
But I see as through a glass darkly
And I believe all this pain will be beautiful someday
not dampened by these complaints

Yeah, I’m fine
actually
I’m in a pool
one inch of Ok
Face down
Thumbs up
Yeah, I’m ok
drowning in that one inch
that used to be four
It’s draining away
But still sometimes
I feel face down in OK

In a spring pool surrounded by the blushing blossoms of Japanese Magnolias
I feel the depths of sorrow pull me
my fingers brushing mud and sludge
scraping bottom stones
my tears add to rising waters
and I spin in the circling emotions of fighting moments
Winter doth not surrender easily
why have blossoms appeared so rapidly
in air remaining much too chill
the signs of growth sprout undeniable
upon a world yet frustratingly still
Spring comes
where is her promised respite?

I always tell myself
we can be friends
in the end

Maybe I feel connected with you because you ache in the ways that I do
We both suffer alone
We both quietly long for recognition
We both see our own potential but self sabotage out of fear and laziness
We work when we work hard
But if nothing is pressing us we get nothing done
We both long for affection but somehow you’re more open about your need
While I more openly show affection
We both somehow feel awkward together
Like we can’t figure out which roles to play in each other’s lives
We both feel like big fish in small ponds but then feel ashamed of our pride
I think we both feel like we don’t have a lot to show for all the talent we’ve been given
But really we’re both doing well for ourselves

Why did I once again stay here?
Outside your door,
Fiddling with the toys you gave me,
And gazing upon your gifts,
Too long,
Trading my Glory,
For a story,
Of weariness,

I sometimes choose to walk,
Knowing I am loved,
But ignoring my lover,
And when I feel a sliver of loneliness
I remember your love never dies,
But forget that mine begins to ebb,
When I stop looking in your eyes,
Why do I think,
That a comfortable feeling is enough?


To Your presence,
There is a maze,
Of ever changing lines,
One things speeds me to your side,
Pain and desire quickens the journey,
Apathy bars my path and the heart is not reached,
Knowledge that You are with me,
Makes the hedges disappear,

My heart lifts
to hear your voice
and hear your laugh
Only to long to see your smile
and the flashes of your lovely teeth
within reach of my fingertips
Fingertips that cannot touch you
for 150 days
Finally the rising tears spilled over

At a sungraced window sits,
I,
Pondering,
the greatness,
of a man.
Amid the lacy curtains of my romantic mind,
I strive to learn something more Heavy,
Next to my golden couch,
is a vain peacock,
Surrounded by green fibers,
woven expertly,
forgetting he lives in a cage,
the gardens but imagined,
little lies from his mouth,
Are hard to ignore.

sometimes I indulge myself
in wondering
and I muse upon what
if anything
could make me love you again
There really isn’t much
the page is relievingly white
except for a line
saying your love must long be
Quiet and Unrequite
before ever again embedding in my heart
and life

I don’t know how to say it
adequate writing escapes me
but I’m suddenly relieved
to call myself a stranger to you
I barely recognize your face
it’s configuration of features
has finally faded
And I find I really would have hated
being friends

I have been given the boon of freedom
My feet were kicking placed
upon a journey
to discover the exhilarating arctic air
upon the mountain named Independence
It wasn't my idea
to forsake the traditions of my mothers
who each built homes and took the names of men in their youth
whose strength lay in raising strong
children and learning how to be formidably equal partners
It was not my first choice
me, who had from almost infanthood
idolized love
and longed to be rescued by a darling prince
I think perhaps I was my lineage's silliest daughter
my flights of fancy almost ruined me
the cliffs of my foothills more dangerous than the peak
I now eagerly climb toward
For now I see that glittering helm
that sun graced pyramid
that promises the reward
that self-love brings
Peace
the complete rest of contentment
the gift of eternal passion
that can never be stolen
or caused to be ****** inside a desperate pairing
There is no need for a marriage of convenience
Nor a tryst of loneliness
No shackles formed from crippling self-consciousness
But only deep, thrilling, ice-cold self-acceptance
I AM whole

O God, In my soul your Spirit cries out,
Abba Father, Abba Father,
I love you more than I can take,
Widen my heart for your love, O Lord,
My capacity to love is small,
I give as much as I can take,
So small,
Through me, O Lord, love them All,
I want you because you want me,
I long for your embrace,
To stay with you forever,
And look upon your face,
I cry, for my hands cannot add rooms,
To a heart already empty,
It’s All or Nothing, a little at a time
I don’t deserve the bright beams from your eyes,
And as life becomes sweeter, I increase my sighs,
I can’t stand beneath the weight, of the truth before me,
That you would rather die, than live without me.
Love, you created, perfect,
Love, you created, all the same,
No levels, strong as your arm, no place for shame,
You’ve seated me with Christ,
To hold my head up high,
In the pride and humbleness,
Of Your love,
Show me what surrounds me,
In pure and holy Light,
Remove my blurred eyes,
Extract the truth from cloying lies,
By your Word, written that I might,
Know the Truth, and what ties,
My soul to Yours.
A lie whispers in my ears,
That my hurt is deep,
Deeper than your healing,
But you promise me,
That you will finish, what you began,
What you started,
Its first glimmers can be seen,
Your beauty shining through,
Your likeness in my face,
Your love between my fingers,
Fill me Lord, with you,

in the end
it doesn’t matter
what the human body looks like underneath
in the end
it doesn’t matter
what the human body wore
the flimsiest of veils
or a walking edited wonder
it’s all but a soul’s projection
and eyes that see
see through everything
to gaze upon what they desire

Have you ever held the hand
of a man who worked for a living?
A construction worker
A carpenter
A tower repair man?
That’s what my God’s hands are like
Capable
Strong
Warm and
Ever-ready

I searched my starlit void
looking for the tears
running my hands down bright spines
combing glittery trails for clues
I had to find the thieves
who ****** on purple plumes
and dimmed each golden orb
Once roaring flames of fire
the dimness become dire

the Sorcerer was hid behind spiked shadows
claws and teeth
of monsters beneath
cast clouds down on my brow
and I longed for His brightness to show
to drink down a burning glow
impenetrable lightness

Last night I dreamed you were a koi kissing sweetheart
I find it amusing how my mind takes the people I admire most
those who are intriguing and inspirational
and spins them joyful fantasies in my sleep
As if I didn’t do it enough while I was awake

I don't know what your lips feel like
I haven't touched your cheek
All I've felt is your heart
and it's warm, and deep, and free

To ask what is life,
Is to ask what is Love?

don't force the words on paper
like a tube of oily ink
it will splatter on your hands
make your ego start to shrink
it's OK to wait til later
when the feeling's turning pink
and the slanting green upon the lands
greets raptors slyly with a wink

don't slap a poem on a page
in the haste of no job jitters
you'll only feed a hungry rage
and feel your talent's shivers

unless . . .

the desire to accomplish
burns gallons of the best
and you've shook your soul wide open
put your biceps to the test

your mind has not been empty
but gathered up and stored
every little bit of lyrics filmy
not so unlike a dragon hoard

the words art each embroidered
and silvery trappings fastened on
with diamonds, blood, and feathers
a new masterpiece spins on

I shall not want,
When what I hold is not enough,
I shall not want,
When I’m afraid,
I naively wasted the gold you gave,
I shall not want,
When dark clouds are wrapped around my eyes,
And I hold a fit at bay,
I shall not want,
Though I forget the ground,
You so firmly placed beneath my feet,
I shall not want,
When I dread,
Think I am good as dead,
For my perspective is as changing
As disturbed pools,
But yours never changes,
And you remain convinced,
Of what you believed,
At the world’s beginning

To ask you to love me in verse,
Is what I long to do,
But I remain terrified,
Of us

the King’s fool
never gains wealth
for everything he earns
he promptly spends
on better jokes
and checkered cloaks
for brighter bells
to golden gleam
upon the float of his laughing dream
his joy is to build
what is only remembered
with gilded fondness

Love . . .
A clear mind knows its desperate need
all would it give away for Love

Life: our bodies, our houses, our work
are all what makes the table and its dinnerware
Set for us to feast on Love
(don’t enjoy the fork too much, it’s only a vehicle for Love)
The Chef of Love is God, and with his very essence feeds us
Only the best he does prepare
though only appetizers have we yet eaten
Only tasted just have we, before death,
of our feast of Love

An apple is our love from mother
The cinnamon? It’s father’s
The sugar is our sibling laughter
And roses come from daughter
the cheese is Love from son
the salt is every friend
And wheat comes from our lover
But each of these ingredients
burst forth of his words uttered
From the Chef himself
Himself the feast of Love

So I’ve been reading poems
and crying gently
My soul sore from stretching more than usual today
this week
it’s been quite nice, but
apparently my soul could limber up

some people come along
just to teach you what home feels like
to show you that home is possible

Don’t let someone be your drug
                                                            ­     high!
                                                       so
                                                
Don’t let someone          up
                      take you
that when they leave the room
                        you go
                                         down
                                                   so
                                                          low
­Learn to love yourself and be happy alone
Cos living for your next hit
is always reckless
Whether your drug is named Vicodin or Nathan

This new sword
so awkward in my grip
I start to fumble and blister
Fear rises
My brows tightened
My teeth draw blood from my own lips
Until I remember
the same old shield
still at my side
Covers me always

I used to fall in love
when I felt empty and colorless
Now that I am full of color
I fall in love to share it

I was 18,
When he passed me in height,
Though I grew 1/2 an inch before Christmas,
He must have grown 2
He reached 6 feet by the summer

Wes has Brown eyes so deep and clear,
I long to see them a second time in order to stare
So unlike mine, a color that isn't a color

Esther's hair is only curly now,
because she colored it too much,
blonde is ok, but i miss her brown,
no one would mistake us for twins today,
but they might think her bounce is inherited

My father's fingers were as thin as mine,
when i was 10 and he was 17,
I can't fit his class ring

It's been years,
Since I could share shoes with any friend,
Or find good ones at thrift stores

She once said,
I had the nicest pink pout,
In the family,
tho Dad comes in second,
I don't know why,
she would insult herself that way

my cabdriver asked if I was German,
said I was tall, strong, and healthy

Uncle Paul cut my hair,
two springs past,
He feared I would cry,
to lose that thick length,
coursing down my back,
but I didn't blink,
Another year and I'll cut it again,
I swear its grown a foot already

It is difficult to see,
All the gems you place in my palm,
For the blood that covers their shining edges,
The perfect ones,
Cut so deep,
Searching,
For the ***** of clay they must replace,

When hope
has reached the door
the wait is worst

Oh Keeper of my heart,
Massage to soul I bruised,
Stay my masochistic hand,
Stop me from throwing rocks,
At my own glass chest.
Help me to see the unfading beauty,
You made me to be.
You commanded me to do away with fear,
And yet here he is at my table.
Peace is by a far a sweeter dish,
And my tongue longs to hold it forever.

Oh Keeper of my heart,
You won’t let it fall,
Or let it be broken beyond repair.
So I may love recklessly,
If I love you the most.

Your peace is like a gentle rain,
Falling on a troubled head,
I must release myself to play in the shower,
And get happily soaked.

May you forever drip golden lyrics from your lips
ambrosia melodies from your fingertips
May dancing never leave your feet