I want him  like a frozen stick of butter wants a hot knife...
Cut into me, leaving a salty trail of melted **** in his wake...

Every hard part of me begs this release,
break me down,
free me from ****** little store bought boxes
I was never meant to fit in.

I was never meant to fit in.

I found myself stuttering yesterday...
clumsily tripping, fumbling,
over words.
The explanation of my whereabouts -
in question.
Like a guilty child.

Awareness then anger emerge.
irritated, indignant hostility.
That I would allow this again -
over and over and over again…

Trying to account for every moment beneath suspicious eyes. Groundless guilt rising up, as I choke, words broke and unspoke

- while the little voice in my head screams "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!"

Ignorance and divinity are both vomiting over my mind, while i stand below them wondering if I should even bother to duck.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
There are so many things to do, directions to take, propositions to be made – each one waiting on these silly little green permission slips. Even the simplest of happily ever afters comes with quite a hefty price.

I just want to get ***** making stuff, making art, making food, making love. Sleep and repeat.

at long last comes rain
washing clean air, earth and soul
green, she comes again

I weighed it. Took measure, found the fears
separate, but equally crushing.

This is my fault.
This is the only love
I'm worthy of
My vacancy
would destroy him
This is all
my fault
Bitterness
already stains us all
And my inaction
paralyzes any hope of redemption

My child will learn
lies.
Instead of love.

Her hatred of me
will grow.
And it will all
*be my fault.

beginnings  bring
everyday anger
setting slings
of unfortune
upon girls
crying, innocents
dieing
bodies disfigured
all for
your disembodied
dieties

forcing your
HATE
crimes against
my sisters
little brothers
you’ve stolen
lives.

*******

and your
selfish ideologies
they were
just babies
with hands
beautiful hearts
dreaming sweetly

you are
lifetimes away
continents apart
just pray
you never
feel wrath
of this mother
this sister
this angry girl.

When i was younger i saw a painting entitled “the ferocity of love”. It was all awash in crimson and bright ****** reds, with streaks of yellow and black. At the time i thought it was for passion. Hot red passionate love. That is what love is when you are young.

Years later, after the birth of my daughter, i was taken by surprise. Starring into her wide grey eyes i felt a sudden and surprising darkness in my bones. (I was prepared for motherly love, pride, soft happy joy, hormone induced highs and lows, but not this sudden darkness). It was deep, and angry.

It was rage.
It was rage.
It was rage.

This anger hit me like tsunami.
Anger that anyone, ANYONE EVER, would ever try to hurt this little thing in my arms.
Rage that the world would one day try to brake her.

how dare you.
how dare you.
how dare you.

Only then did i truly understand “The Ferocity of Love”. Because there is a beast in me that will never hesitate to protect you. A darkness in my bones more ferocious than any monster that would hurt you.

Little innocent. I am yours.
All goodness resides in your eyes, in your soul.
My rage will be my shield and sword.
*To love and protect you always.

no one ever
has affected me
quite so quickly

quite so dramatically

3 days after meeting you
I found myself
drunk on the floor
surrounded by pastels and
charcoal smudged, scribbled
sobbing
puddle of tears and ***** hands

because of you.
That lovely light of you. With flirty grins and passion filled eyes,
and an underlying kindness - big and overflowing with promise

reminding me of everything I told myself I didn’t need, that I could do without. One look from you destroyed it. The wall i’d been working on for so long. And worse, knowing I couldn’t have it. Not now. and never from you

hating you, loving you , thanking you.
**** you.
**** you.

damning you,
as I sit here, grinning stupidly at the sound of your voice. Desperately wanting to feel what has not been felt in so long...

little love letters
emanate through fingertips
and soft kissing lips

drinking
to much...
words elude me

or way to many words bombard me...

drunk, drunk
fuzzy in my head...

drunk, drunk
time for bed

my bliss
is quiet morning
gentle waking
creamy sweet coffee

my bliss
is small hands holding,
bright eyes
calling "mommy"

my bliss
is bare feet touching
fingers digging, earth reminding
of roots yet laid

my bliss
is arms spread
rain drenched hair, mouth open
seeking communion with the sky

my bliss
is soft and rough
elegant, explosion of energy building
then quiet

my bliss*
is starlight,
windblown promises
that I am all and nothing right now

It was painful
i will admit…
feeling so cold
so raw
like a carcass in a meat locker

Desperately craving his warmth,
but finding a chilly resistance instead
I shrunk back -
unsure...

Feeling terribly alone there…
in the dark,
listening,
listening,
to the deafening silence...

Soft I shall remain
against hard and sharpened
happenings

with open heart
and bated breath
I wait...

she flayed herself open
at the alter of his brown eyes.
begging him
to burn off the cold.

standing toe to toe
eyes daring
the other to go
cold aggressive glares
bodies waiting
ready for the flare
intake of air
and simultaneously
muscles ignite
veins alight
in adrenaline
as questions
and hesitance
are replaced
with  **now

This love
Big love
     sweet, salty
          kissing, sweaty skin love
          licking the lengths,
              and slow,
                   to savor love
     heat builds, slick
          fingers, lips thick
               wanting, wanting,
                     wanting this love.

This love
Big love
      hot, deep
          electric, passing love
                 fingers to chests
                      tongue to tongue
                            hips to hips
     building in a moment, love
           this bliss.
                   this love...

soft touches
and deep eyes
make this heavy heart
feel so light
and I mean light

elated, electric, light

as both comfort and urgency
burrow into my bones

what does it mean
when the dreams you dream
years later, in waking find you?

in response it replied:

material things one weds
will need to be shed
for purpose and light to be true...

In random moments
I whisper to myself to remember.

Remember this.

Sunlight glaring off ocean waves.
Wind whipping across the sand.
The salty, fishy, clean smell
brown and bubbly white seafoam streaks.
And my toes in sea and land.

Laughter of a little girl,
small fingers dig
building big castles.

*This is where I am supposed to be.

I.
Intimidation.

When his voice raises
I flinch

7 doors, 3 walls, 1 car
and dozens of small appliances and knickknacks
all know the consequences of this rage

There is a small knot in my back, too
that shudders
but that was just an accident.

"You know I would never hurt you, right?"

Maybe.

Maybe my head believes you.
But still
my body
flinches

sun browned skin
wild haired girl
barefoot running
ducking  touching collecting watching
alone
laughing dreaming

dreaming

barefoot green eyed
wild girl
chasing

*chasing what?

mine, my mothers, daughters
mouths stitched shut
so tightly kept hearts
would not cut
too deep

held so high
in minds
but bodies bound
in dark places
so their light could never blind

“they fear us, you know,
but you should never let their fear
shame you.”

Never dull your spark, my little one.

the soul reels
against the borders of body
as i am reduced
again
and again
to elegant explosions

the driving,
   pulling
      merging
of flesh
upon flesh
melts thought
and i'm caught
in the now

now -

Now -

NOW

*and i'm gone...

There was distraction
so called "responsibilities"
"obligations" - the order of things
But still a naive confidence
that the rainbow wasn't going anywhere

****** in, swirled, flushed
I wake up
about every 5 years
Screaming STOP!

or at least slow down

The little voice gets beat, smacked
and dragged back down

So afraid there won't be a next time
this ones fading,  already far away
woke up in a frenzy this time
But already sliding back down

****** when you realize
you are your own enemy.
Well trained, domesticated consciousness
doesn't tolerate the embarrassment
of its own true colors.

These passages
articulated, contemplated
repeated in hearts never known.

Such power they can have
as heart strings are pulled
and fiery hopes ignited.

Such sway they hold over our dreams
as the world seems
to overlook them.

Poets.

Bands of kindred spirits
as diverse as all the light
and dark
of our world.

They are all pain, desolation, loss and fear
They are all pure joy, hope, passion and love

Forever and never alone

I wish you well on your journeys.

Inner warmth
pours from your eyes.
Beacons
for a lonely ship
Sailing empty oceans

Hungry heart
and teeth to tear.
I’d bury myself inside you.

I would call you home.

But don’t worry love,
The will is good.
And the ocean always calls me home.

In rising
rush, rush
rushing up
and with barely time to collect
I fall.

Fear at first rushes
wide & consumes
with every new cresting

But slowly, I accept
and embrace
this wild turbulence
that awakens
every molecule of my being.

*I am alive.

You're like a wave.
Your ******* voice, in my head
coming and going,
Crashing into my silence.

My quiet moments
flooded with memories of dreams.
Enveloping me,
and your voice, the wave, rises.

Always there, conversing, debating, soothing, challenging
Reminding me that I am not alone.
BUT I WILL ALWAYS BE ******* ALONE.
Left wanting.

Chasing after shadows I know are not real.
Trying to convince myself they are not real.
Really, be logical - it is not real.
Leave me alone, get out of my head
You are not real.



*please be real

My forgiveness
     will not come from you -
     smiling, snake tongued
     liars.

     With your holier than thou eyes.
     and bitter hearts.

For now, I only ask it
     of myself.
For my fumblings, my fears -
     as I begin again.

goosebumps linger
long after hungry lips
are christened

and little shivers
still spark down the length of me

i let them, for the moment
take me.

*I don’t want to wrestle with the dark just yet

Take a walk with me
through the trees and green things
where a soul can breath

beginning to break
or shine?
I really don’t know
in the space
of one city block
I go from feeling
like god
to ****
cracked in my core
split
the lives I hide
been beating
gnawing, eating
at my insides
separated
soulless
But overflowing
with soul
and no way
to let loose
the demons
or divinity
within me

The long quiet slumber
shatters
with the heat
he summons so easily

My master fire starter.

Building me up
and setting ablaze
She
that has waited long,
           so long
to burst forth -

now,
now,
now,

I Wake.

There was screaming, yelling,
scratchy throats, wet eyes.
I felt it build
the room felt it, I think the walls retracted.
cowered.

I knew it was coming but I still push back.

knuckles tear into hollow core doors
like nothing.

I roll my eyes at your anger, yell some more.
Hiding the terror.

it was always a roller coaster
turbulent and gut wrenching
highs and lows

Always a state of ready.
ready for the dark to come home.
ready for the criticism,
ready for the down,
ready for the accusations,
ready for the threats,
ready for the blame.

Of course I detached.
And the farther I got - the darker He
became.

while THINGS got smashed, punched, crushed -
love and trust were destroyed. Softer parts of Me
learned to flinch
(love should never make you flinch in fear)
and quickly built walls of defense.

quietly making promises to my little voice…
if he threatens me once more...
if he punches the wall once more...
if he hurts me…
if he hurts me…
if he hurts me…

No. I wanted to make this pretty, but I just can't.
I wanted to make a beautiful poem of waking and finding my way back - but I can't yet. Its all a ****** dark mess of anger and shame. Seeking some sort of forgiveness, forgiveness from who?
I won't ever ******* go back, do you understand that? Can any words even come close to expressing the depth of that pit I was in? I don't miss it. I don't secretly need it. I still don't know how I got into or out of it.

Yes, he ******* hurt me. OF COURSE I DETACHED. HE tried to ******* destroy me. Intentionally or not - He tried to destroy me - this one life I have. All that I AM. Me, Devon. For every drop I offered, he took a gallon. Yes he ******* hurt me. Your precious son, brother, father, friend. Smashed ****, in front of our child, punched holes into EVERY ******* DOOR in that house, pulled the emergency brake on the freeway at 80 mph with our daughter in the car, and then called me abusive when I slapped him on the shoulder hysterically for it. He kicked and threatened to **** my dog, shoved me and slammed me into walls. Night, after night, after night - denied sleep because I didn't want to **** him and if he couldn't sleep then why the **** should I? But how could I want someone I loathed, inside of me? Constantly  accused of ******* someone else and told that I was as lesbian for not wanting him. **** him. **** him. **** him.

Worse - I am the one ASHAMED of myself. Ashamed that I could not fix it, that I could not give him what he wanted. Ashamed that it took me so long. Ashamed that I am no longer capable of compassion for an obviously sick man that I think (I think but can't recall now)  I loved once. Ashamed that I ignored my own little voice. Ashamed that my daughter has seen so much weakness in her mother and so little of what love should be.

Now I am vilified for lack of compassion - for "giving up" as they say.
For Hurting Him. Because I. Hurt. Him.

And that, is not a pretty feeling.
It's ******* ******* - hissing, high pressure, rocking-back-ready-to-blow, ******* feeling. Scribbled and incoherent, shredded paper & canvas, ****** knuckles, red-faced, spit-flying feeling.

No. It is not pretty.

I rage.

And not in that "hate is just another form of love" ******* way.

I Rage.

At my own **** decisions.
My own incompetencies.
My own cowardly impotence.

I RAGE.

Bearing the consequences of my failures
with attempted and failed
grace.

I RAGE.
GOD ******* ****!**

and then it's passed.

Relieved I realized, this is just a test.

Certainly not THE test.

Right?
Wait, what?

But I am not doing well
I could've done better
Just let me have another go
I promise I will try harder

Think Broader.
Live Better.
Love Bigger.

Please, I didn't realize -

Could you just wait a moment
Stop the clock for a sec
I wasn't ready yet

Please

What kind of ******* is this
That's not fair
Stop the ******* CLOCK
*******!
and your stupid test
I was going to ace this thing
I just didn't know it had started.

Wait, I'm sorry.
Don't leave me,
I didn't mean to be rude
I just can't mess this up
I just need another chance
please

Look I'm thinking broader
I'll Live Better
I'm going to LOVE so much BIGGER!

Please!

I promise
I promise
I promise

*please don't let it be too late

there is all this build-up
for those who struggle with the dark
demons that nag at your soul

often the wave
of depression peaks and crashes
uneventfully and unknown to the world

but sometimes
the soul is overwhelmed
and the dark we battle claims another life.

Take a walk with me
where the deep calls out to the deep
you will find me there

Better stop
   before friendly arms
      are weighted with love
and do harm

Better stop
    the ruse,
       loads of lies
will not add up to truths

Better stop
     those sweet needy lips
        before touching
ends friendship

*you know it won't end well...

broken never felt so good
standing so straight made me ache
all the time

crumpled loosely in piles
in this beautiful mess you've made me
feeling sublime

all that buildup of anxiety
its like getting on a plane
flying higher and higher
not knowing for sure if your chute is going to work
and then panicking
as every fiber of your being
SCREAMS NO

and out you go


you hold your breath and tumble for a moment
then dare to open your eyes

Realizing

it doesn't matter if the chute doesn't open
because right now

your flying

stepped into the rain
and spice filled wind
caught me again

inside whispers, “mmmm!”

into the dark street
sideways glance shows
I am alone.

*where are you?

II.

Waterboarding

He's bleeding out now
sickly sweet syrup
pouring it straight down my throat
       (or trying to)
telling me to drink
and the more I struggle
and choke
the more he pours out
smothering both feathers and flight

ever apologetic for the the mess - but so sure
that if he keeps bleeding, keeps pouring
I will eventually see
how much he really loves me.

*but when drowning one only loves air

"I love him"
hit like creation in a particle collider.

Not the words or motions,
just a big, deep, gut punch -
all of a sudden
free falling.

And i'm elated, excited
and ******* terrified.
As I flail, clumsily
in my fall.

Taunted by
the sharp what-ifs & maybes
that litter the ground
But he whispers
"baby, we're not going down"

Now i'm clinging
to this new air/warmth/light,
but afraid that i'm gonna cling
too tight

I just got a little panicked
love, when it hit
you kind-of exploded me,
a bit.

hold up. slow down.

my pendulum swung so fast
round and round

from the void of feeling
to hope - to anger - to hope - to desperation - to hope - to rage - to heartache - to hope -

then the explosion of feeling
burst to life in warm and welcoming hands
lust - love - lust - love - lust - love - love - love
and a deep seated need to be touched, to be seen.

finally.

exploded up like a banshee, screaming towards the sky
so fast. so high.
So fast. so High.
SO FAST. SO HIGH.

And I promised. I promised, love, didn't I?
This time.
Live bigger, Love better. Live better, Love bigger.
With eyes wide open
I breath, and I wake.

I crash
against myself

again
  and again
     and again

throwing myself into
the possibilities
of me

she
who could be
   or has always been

while I,
in the now
stand scrutinized
under judgmental eyes

that I no longer wish to heed

the meat
of my soul
has been stretched
to far

thinned

my being
stumbles, deliriously
staggers

now open spaces
and voids
engulf & consume
tired logic

may sweet rest come
for weary bones

sink down
                

down


down


*into merciful dark

As I am the offspring
of many a fantasy novel, and science fiction adventure, of horrific foes in all shapes and personalities, a child of heroes, damsels in distress and warrior princesses -

Naturally -

I expected a certain order to things.
I may have been
mistaken.