before you go and do something dumb
I know how it is just to feel numb.
take a moment to let me tell you people care
because maybe you want to share but you don't dare.
don't be afraid to tell somebody you need help
because no matter how small the yelp
they will be there to listen to you
so maybe this is your cue.
this world is better with you in it so don't quit
Please stop hiding that pit
speak out and seek attention
let's start the process of ascension
I know that you feel alone all by yourself
like you've been placed on a dusty shelf
cut off from a society that doesn't love you
but I'm telling you that isn't true.
just give a call to that hot line
let it be a light in the dark that shines
because they will answer and listen
the tears will fall and glisten
because you'll know that they care
you can let go of the tremendous weight you bare.
people love you and they always will
so before you take that pill
before that Blade touches you again
before you step off the end
put down that gun
and just call them so you live to see the morning sun
I love all of you with all of me
I just hope I reach you in time for you to see.
I beg and plead
before you start to bleed
just call them and talk
they want to help you they really do.
don't be afraid to take that first step
don't be like me and never speak out.

-Caleb J. Collins

How I wish
I could tell you all my secrets
Lift the burden off my shoulders
But too many people
Have broken down the walls I've put up
Just to shatter my heart
Like they said they never would

If I wasn't so broken
Would we have worked?
Would you have been the one
To finally relieve me
Of all my scars?
Or would you have done the same?
Proving my judgement wrong,
Instilled illusions of love in my brain
Just to steal the pieces
Of whatever's left of my heart?

You tell me I have issues
I already know I do
But yelling at me to fix them
Is not how you mend broken things
But maybe I'm too far gone
To ever be put back together
Our possible forever
Vanishing into a **never

I don't know how to love
Like the ocean loves its waves
Or the way the sun dips below the horizon
Painting their love across the canvas of clouds
For all the world to stop and admire.

I can only love
In the way only secrets are loved
In between the shadows and the whispers
Of things meant to be kept between the lines.

My love for you would manifest
In brilliant art
But it would be forever locked away
In a deep chest only our eyes could see

My love for you would sing out
In the chords of harmony
Never meant to reach anyone's ears
But our own

My love for you would be
Loyal
   And
      Wondrous

Hidden from the world
Because my whole world would be you
Everything I would do would be for you
....
But you would never want that kind of love
...
You'd rather live for the likes
And the cute couple-y comments
You'd live for the documenting every second
Of every moment of our relationship

You'd rather have a social trophy-love
Than the grandest,
Most truest form of love
You'll never get to see

So I guess that's why
I'd never get to love you...
   *Because I wouldn't know how to...

There is no such thing as a child of an alcoholic. There are children, and then there are alcoholics. One will never harmonize with the other.

Because alcoholics are never parents. They are shells, empty casings of love mixed with a burning taste of whiskey.

They are echoes of slurred, “Goodnight, I love you.” and “See you in the morning.” Each word filled with love, but blinded by the haze of liquor, so strong it fills your eyes with tears.

But most importantly, a child of an alcoholic will never be a child. No matter their age, they have gained the experience of those five times their age. They have watched life end with each tip of the bottle, but begin again when the sun breaks through their window.

I read stories about children who spend their days without a care in the world. And as a child, I wanted nothing more than that for myself. I wanted the carelessness, not the impossible burden of responsibility and secrecy that I held, hand in hand with resentment and hatred for the people who raised me.

There is no such thing as a child of an alcoholic. It’s not that we don’t exist— we do. But a child will never be a child when their parents can never be a parent.

You kiss me,
You grab me
You lean me back to see the ceiling fan,
You instruct me on how to kiss you back

You had nothing to drink that night,
I had too many shots

I had a breakdown,
I needed to get out
I was trapped under you,
I said your girlfriend was my best friend

I said it wasn't right,
You didn't listen when I said no

You locked the door,
You wouldn't let me get my phone
You wouldn't let me see my friend,
You asked me if I loved you

You kept pestering me with questions,
I had to give you the answer you wanted

I cringed when you got close,
I stopped being able to breathe
I screamed through empty lungs,
I cried and cried and cried

I loved someone else,
You didn't care

"Inevitable. It was inevitable," you said.

Every morning I wake to bleeding fingers.
I sleep on a bed made from loose grenade pins.
Just reminders of a past life.
A former self.
Traits and abilities I haven't unlocked yet.

I will never be enough.

Even a glass full of water
Looks empty
From far enough away.

You built me up
Just to shoot me down
Breaking me past shattered
Shattering me beyond broke

Like Humpty Dumpty
Doomed to never recover.
Except the walls were my own
And you gave me the push

You made me feel
Like I was the Queen
But I was nothing more
Than a pawn
In your sick games.

How naive I must've been
To believe in the illusion of love
Your poisonous words
Like honey on my skin

Now I cut off the poison
And distanced myself from you
The feeling of losing a limb
Along with my mind

My heart aching,
My body shaking,
My lips yearning for you
Yet there's nothing left
For anything
Or anyone
So I scream
And scream
And scream
And scream

Till there's nothing left
But the lost tears of my childhood,
Your tainted things crashed against the wall,
A Shadow,
My demons,
And **I