somedays I find myself wanting to be another girl.
maybe its because if I had flowing blonde hair or softer lips or maybe if I was just a liiiiiitle taller you'd like me as much as you like her.
But I remember there is only one me.
Only one short, tiny girl with brown hair and grey eyes thinking these exact thoughts.
There is only one me, who is on a journey to learn how to love myself.
So I hope.
If a girl ever sees me, and wishes to be me,
that she remembers how unique she is. That there is only one of her. And she is beautiful the way she is.
I hope,
I can tell her that no matter what, she is number one.
I hope she realizes that If someone doesn't crave her, it's not because she isn't enough.
It's because they were never meant for her.
It's because they cannot love her the way she deserves.
It's because they cannot see how unique and brilliant she is.

They say your cells are completely replaced after 7 years.
Skin cells live a few days.
Blood cells can live up to a year.
Some cells are constantly dying and being replaced.
But the cells in your mind will not die until you do.
So in 7 years,
maybe your touch has been erased from my skin,
your chemicals leached from my hair,
and your taste will have been stripped from my tongue.
But in 7 years,
the marks you left in my mind will still be ever so present.

my grandma was addicted to cigarettes and pain killers
my grandpa was addicted to alcohol,
my mother was addicted to being praised,
my father was addicted to pride,
my family was addicted to addiction.

I swore I would never depend on something so violently as they do.

But here I am.

addicted to you.

11pm
I lay in bed trying to distract myself

12am
my distractions aren't helping

1am
I feel lonely

2am
I get frustrated because I cant sleep

2am
I feel like the only person in the world

2am
I wonder how many people are awake
thinking the same thoughts

it's been a while since you've crossed my mind.
I'm thankful for the long gaps between your appearances in my life.
It used to be every day and night that you haunted me.
I used to cry because I couldn't remember that night clearly.
My thoughts were so supressed, I had convinced myself it was in my head.
I was making it worse than it was.
I convinced myself you didn't **** me.
I cried because I thought I must be crazy, it was just love and I was tired, I made a mistake.
But here now... it's been a while. I've finally accepted it 3 years later.
I still dont know how to talk about it. Do I even want to talk about it?
Does it even bother me anymore or am I past this?
Why is your ghost keeping me up so late and why can't you just leave me alone?

If I told you about the nights that I woke up with tears streaming down my cheeks from the nightmares of you, would you feel sorry for what you did?
If I told you I can't stand people touching me, I can't even be hugged by my own mother comfortably, would you realize what you had done?
If I told you that your actions from three years ago, still affect me everyday.... would you care?
Or would you simply say "it's been a while..."

Sitting next to you
 
I knew full and well I wanted you to kiss me
I knew full and well you wanted to kiss me
I could feel the energy twisting in my veins
 
The electricity from that moment
The magic from that moment
Was more intoxicating than the whiskey I like
It was intense and euphoric
 
Sitting next to you
 
I could feel your breath slowing
As you prepared yourself
For what we both knew was to come
For what we both wanted to come
 
Sitting next to you
 
I could feel you move ever so slightly closer
I could feel your hand lift and your soft fingers on my cheek
I could feel you tilt my small face towards you
I could feel you kiss me
 
Feeling you kiss me
 
Felt like all the electricity and magic was unconfined
It felt like fireworks on a warm summer night
It felt warm and beautiful
It felt right.

I could smell the rain this morning when I woke up.
so I wasn't surprised when it started pouring after work tonight.

I always want to go to bed when I get off at 10 on friday night
so I wasn't surprised when I had to drink coffee to stay up

I've never liked bowling with all our friends so late.
so it surprises me that I still force myself to go.

I knew you and I were always early to the bowling alley.
so I wasn't surprised when we were the only people there for the first round.

I could feel myself overthinking everything while we waited for friends.
so I wasn't surprised when I began feeling anxious next to you.

I've seen you bowl before.
but im always surprised at how graceful you look doing it.

I know I like you.
and it bothers me because of how badly I don't want to.

I opened up to you
when I told you what happened to me all those years ago,
I could see the heartbreak in you eyes.
I could feel your soul hurt for me while you struggled to find the words so you could apologize for another mans crime.
But I am not my past, and I am not what happened to me.
I am not glass, and I am not a delicate flower.
I'm a person, and people can heal.

You have a two year old daughter
She’s beautiful and smart
She’s you’re whole world
Someday she’ll be where I am
19 and working in a resteraunt to get through college
And I’m sure
You’d be sick if anyone treated her the way you treat me
So why do you do it?

You really don't know how hard this is for me. I love you, and I know you love me. How can we not love each other after being together for over a year and still being friends after we've broken up? Thats love if I've ever seen it. My problem is something is missing from my heart, and I don't know what it is. I'm trying to find it. And when you cuddle me and ask me for the kisses that I so badly want to give you... I feel trapped and misunderstood. You know I've done this because I need space to figure things out. "It's not a big deal if we cuddle or kiss... we've done it before." But everything is a big deal when it comes to you. Because I'm in love with you. Every decision I've made not to kiss you, was made for you. In hopes that you don't get your hopes up that I'll get better. Because breaking your heart and hurting you will be too much for me to handle.

“I like you” you said.
And I replied “in what way?”
“Like I want to be with you.”
And I thought to myself “****...”
I told you “I can’t cultivate anything serious, I’m still healing and finding myself.”
You said “it doesn’t change anything...” that you “still want to be there for me and make me happy” even if I can’t be yours.

Now here we are a month later,
And I want to tell you I like you too.
But I can’t, even though I do.
Because I know the day will come
where I’ll decide to run.
And I don’t want to hurt you.

"no one needs me"
I think to myself
and I stop to turn
at my best friend curled up beside me in bed
he's a lot bigger than me
and a lot harrier than me
but he still needs me
he loves me unconditionally
and wants to play around all the time
his favorite thing to do is go on relaxing walks together
he's a good boy
and he needs me
and it turns out,
I need him too
even if he is just a dog to others
he's what keeps me going
he's my best friend
and now he's awake, licking my face
to remind me I am loved

Something must be wrong with me.

I feel nothing.

You smile at me.

I feel nothing.

you caress me and tell me i'm beautiful.

I feel nothing.

I hurt you.

I feel nothing.

something must be wrong with me.

I think I'm dying from the inside out.

I feel nothing.

Your tongue danced across my skin.
I could feel my legs quiver.
I guess you could feel them too because you smiled at me.

I could feel your body press against mine
and your breaths were heavy with excitement,
every contact left a tingling echo.

I could feel everything
and yet, somehow in my heart,
I felt nothing at all.

A million you's
Existing all at once
All different people
But still you
 
The you known by your ex lover
The you known by your childhood friend
The you known by a sibling
 
So many versions of you
That people see differently
That people see separately
 
You exist a thousand times through other people
Somewhere there's a you
That you might be embarrassed of
 
Somewhere there's a you
That you might be proud of
 
All of these you's
Are simply a small piece of a raw you
The you that is sitting here
 
Reading this
Thinking of all the you's
That people carry around with them

My favorite thing is playing the guitar with you.
We go over the chords and laugh when our fingers do the wrong dance.
You get the patterns faster than me so I sing along while you strum.
I know you’re watching me while I sing so I close my eyes.
Because if we made eye contact I’d probably start laughing and ruin the whole song.
My favorite thing is our platonic, musical friendship.

As I walk alone to my car
and the raindrops kiss me
I wonder where they've been.
Was the drop that just hit my shoulder
the same drop that visited a soldier in afghanistan on a rare rainy day?
was the bead running down my cheek an accomplice
in the baptism of a believer?
are the molecules beneath my feet the same ones
that saved someone who was once inches from death?

you remind me we're just friends.
Because the way you trace me with your fingers
doesn't feel friendly.
You say you can see through my front when I told you I can't feel.
But it's not a front.
You say i'm delicate because of the soft greenery engraved in my skin.
But I am hard and I am cold.
You won't sit by me,
because you don't want me to catch feelings for you.
But as I sit far away from you and take a drag,
I know you don't believe any of your words.
I know you weren't describing me,
you were describing yourself.

well... ****.

Plants are patient
Waiting for just the right time to sprout
The slightest misjudgment on their part could mean death
So they will wait as seeds for years
Hiding beneath the tall oaks
Hoping one day they will have the chance to kiss the sun's sweet rays
as their elder's looming above them do
 
Plants are strong
As people massacre them for food or for their flashy reproductive organs
But they will come back
Even though they know they will be cut down again
 
Plants are kind
Giving themselves to help all others
Blooming beautifully for the bees
Cleaning corrupted air
Giving back to the soil when they die
 
Someday
I hope to be like a plant
I hope to be patient in life
Waiting for the right time
I hope to be strong
To grow back even when I know ill be cut down again
I hope to be kind
To give love to everything and everyone

you're smoke.
beautiful.
mesmerizing.
soft and delicate.

you're smoke.
impossible to touch,
to capture,
to feel.

you're smoke.
because even though
you're enchanting
and I can't grasp you,

you suffocate me.
you make it hard for me to breath.
you're harmful
and you seep into every inch of my lungs

you're smoke
and all I want to do is breath you in.

your hands are huge
mine look like baby hands next to them
I expected them to feel rough and demanding
but they are soft and sweet

your mouth was silent
so I seemed loud next to you
I expected your few words to be cold and sharp
but they are warm and safe

you're extremely tall
I look like a kid standing next to you
I thought you were intimidating
but you are kind and gentle

you are nothing like I thought you would be.

you said "we need to talk"
you should've known that would send me spiraling
but then again I guess you don't know me that well
what did I do wrong?
was it the single kiss we shared?
or the talk we had while you held me?
did I say something?
my heart is sinking
but I don't want to tell you that
or maybe I do?
maybe you just don't like me
maybe you just don't see me
what if theres someone else?
and i've just been strung along?
there are so many words in my head
I cant seem to find the ones i want to say
so i sit in silence
while you simply say
"that kiss was wrong"
the kiss that felt magical
the kiss that led us to cuddling
and to talking about life
the kiss that I felt was so right
how could I have been so wrong?

I wrote you so many poems.
They’re all here as evidence.
I couldn’t let you read them.
I loved you so much.
Depression is a cold and heartless thing.
I tried to fight her while keeping you out of harms way.
I couldn’t feel anything, just like I’ve said.
I wanted to feel something.
I even said pain would suffice.

A year later.
You’ve hurt me so bad.
I feel it all now.
All the love.
All the pain.
I miss you so much.
I wish I was strong enough to show you these when you were here with me.

I wish you would’ve talked to me before you picked up the gun.
I wish you would’ve thought before you pulled the trigger.
I wish a lot of things, A.
But most of all, I wish you were still here on earth with me.

I love you.