5 months ago I had shorter hair and a longer life
5 months ago I had two close friends and minimal loss
5 months ago I received an invitation for change
And I accepted

5 months ago I was so completely sure or myself
Now it is 5 months later and I don't think she remembers
And today only holds a sad significance to me
She has forgotten and started to move on
Her presence has left me hollow and empty

It is 5 months later and I am in shambles
I am left to clean up the lovely mess
While the images of the past replay through my mind
Those secret moments that are burned into my soul

Today holds significance, or at least it used to
Today marks the end of a friendship, the beginning of love
Today used to signify time passing, the time we survived
But we no longer celebrate today together.
We no longer do anything together.

I want to change back to my old self, To find peace
But I have changed so much, so completely
I do not know how to find the girl I used to be
That girl is lost in the world and she is drowning
Everything she feels is unrequited and cold

you ask if it's okay
if it's wrong, if i'm fine

i say it's alright
and again i'm too kind

so you speak his name
of the new love you'll find

because you've moved on
left your feelings behind

you say you still care
"also"...you remind

but our hearts are still broken
our lives still entwined

Not too long ago someone told me,
"The bravest soldiers I know are poets.
They have the courage to define their emotions,
sharing them with the world."
I believe this to be an eternal truth

millions of souls starving for a taste of humanity - obsessed with the desire to fill any empty space they can find - a neurotic pattern can be found within this society - the open and shut of relationships like a kitchen door - you see nothing more than a glimpse of everything and everyone - genuine and candid have bee erased from the dictionary - forever no longer means 'for always' -

Why is it that the girl who promised to be my girlfriend and love me always, never has time to spend with me?
It is a Friday night and she is out having so much fun...
but I am home...
and she is spending her time with another boy.
And they are probably drinking and sharing laughter,
and he can give her things that I cannot.
and maybe this is the end.
Maybe tomorrow she won't be my girlfriend anymore.
And the past 6 months of my life will have been for nothing.

I like the way their hair shimmers in the warm sun
I like the soft, bouncy way they walk
I like their supple lips and hands that match mine
I like how they smell of flowers, especially roses...
always roses

Sometimes they stab me, right in the back, but I let it happen
so am I allowed to be upset if I am the one who didn't stop her?
I didn't stop her because I don't like the way her hair looks...

I love the way her hair shimmers in the City's sun
I love the soft, bouncy way she walks down the school halls
I love her supple lips and hands that used to hold mine
I love how she smells of flowers, especially roses...
always roses

We got back together after months of confusion, disillusionment, and manipulation.
We both made the willing choice to try again and give each other all we had.
We decided that we loved one another and wanted to respect one another.
She told me she understood, She promised to work on her flaws, although I never asked her to.
And I believed her when she told me she would never cheat...

I used to sit and text you for hours
we could discuss every possible event
endlessly mentioning every part of our lives

nothing bored, nothing planned, nothing forced
everything came from a place of genuine emotion
I remember how happy and safe this made me felt

it was almost two years ago when we learned to dance
not only with each other in public
but also to dance around topics
to dance around what we were
to dance around our emotions
to dance around using words like "Kiss"

and now we are dancing together again
at all the parties and in all of our conversations
everything is blissful

no one mentions the history
no one mentions the emotions
we pretend we are new again
we pretend we don't know how this will end

we are not bored, not planned, not forced
everything is coming from the genuine emotions we have
but I don't maintain happiness
I don't feel safe anymore.

For the moment I am content
But I know it won't last.
Soon I'll be cast away at last
Reality's been bent
from all the time spent
fighting with feelings that dried like cement.
I don't know where to go
or what choice to make
Because it all might be fake
And there's no way to know.
I could ask her, although,
She might ask for a break.

I broke up with her
for good reason
but now all I can really do is remember how good we were.

I try so hard to remember her flaws and faults: how selfish and narcissistic she could be. how her loyalties were elsewhere. how I was never enough.

but they don't compare when I remember: how she kissed me around strangers, and ran after my train every single time, just to be a goofball and show the world that I was hers. how she could make me feel better by just being there.

I try my best to ignore her but even if I don’t see or talk to her for weeks she’s still in my mind, always, because I can find her in everything.

I find her when I smell her perfume or see something from Nevada, when I eat Twix and ignore the word mhm and the colors blue and green. When I make mac n cheese and eat all of it. when I go to school and when I come home. and whenever I see a rose, especially if it's red.

I don’t know how people can give someone so much of themselves and then have their heart broken. I gave her pieces of me that I can never get back and I don’t know how to continue being Sammy without those pieces.

i'm not entirely sure where to begin.

is it practical to discuss the lack of contact we've had? how we fit the mold of "perpetual estrangement" like Wentworth and Anne? do i dare make that connection since they end up together and we, sadly, didn't?

do i speak about how i thought we were a waste of time? or how i changed my mind and decided that i needed us in order to grow? do i mention that i miss you? that i have to force myself not to text you when i drink too much or smell a rose?

do i mention that my sister found your old perfume in my closest and decided to wear it? that my home smelt of you for weeks and i ached for you?

or do i mention that i know you're going through a hard time based on what i've seen on social media? that i can still read you, even when given the most minute details?

i'm still not entirely sure where we stand or how you feel.
it's 5 years later and i still feel the same, but things are different now.