the able master
the stupid *******
my one and only savior
my worst, and most painful
player

The only thing that makes it easier right now is that I am in love.

By the time I was 15 I had already been tossed aside onto a path that has led me through unfathomably amazing and terrible moments that have scarred and forever changed me as a person. And I'm still alive, living- still experiencing traumatic losses, broken dreams and the growing pains of being an almost 18 year old girl with a little attitude. I was always destined to be unconventional, as a child I couldn't imagine my perfect american dream house, or what I was going to aspire to as I grew older. I felt joy in simple things, such as nature, tea after a long day, a smile, his eyes and painting. I never felt I had any remarkable, or valuable skills, until you showed me. You made me realize that even if you've lost, you're broken and every day your body and brain ache from the pains of growing almost 18, you'll survive another day. That things like trees, tea and art- are sometimes all you need. That I will go far, I'll make it somehow and I will succeed.

Finally, after all these years I can clearly see- my perfect american dream house, just you & me.

We wander,
beneath the dotted sky,
  the moon illuminates the forest
   of grandfather trees
    beneath our bare feet;
     soft, dewy grass
      and various dampened, scattered leaves.
      
        The still holds, warming spring moisture
          with a faint reminder of this brutal past winter
            with hungry eyes, streets with old, ashy faces pry
              the fog floods all gutters and highways tonight
                it's like navigating through a black hole
                  you have given forth no light
                     &
                       tell
                          me
                          how
                           ­       am I
                                        supposed
                                                  to see
                                                      without­
                                                                ­ any
                                                             ­          insight?

I settle beneath, quilt & blanketed sheets
for another tear-jerking,
heart stopping
conversation.

Between the lines of shared irony, affection disguised
we behave in such tyranny, over what we
could've & would've had in our
lives.

But, it'll all get better, it'll all be okay
I'm here for you whenever you need me, which ever way
tonight, this is what I'll
say:

My eyes well up over the passing thoughts of yesterday
My heart pounds in my chest, my ears scream &
vision starts to sway. How could I have ever let you


                                                      slip away?

Speckling drops, of bathwater- lovely evening rain.
Patter melodically against
my open window frame.
The  water touches me not,
for my roof with gutters and onings.
But the dewy breeze saturates my room
like my face to an ocean breeze.
Mother Waters, send her daughters
to my window this spring night singing.
Distant puddle patterning ploops,
diameters mass expanses on the suburban streets.
The trees, the smile as they absorb the
moisture their brittle bones need.
Oh how I pitied the trees,
when the cold stripped and broke their branches
my heart grew sorrowful & weak.
The deserve to be enveloped, by this
unplanned storm.
All in the world, would agree when I say
that we are blessed
with this warm April rain

Past years reminding me of ancient ideas, wasted hope on young lustful love
which now translates to the tune of reluctant,
senseless adoration as I watch
my first birdie take flight
and spread his wings like a majestic eagle in the sky.

I wave goodbye.

You know I'll always remember
the first summer we spent together.

In the good times, and through all the bad
concern and dim hopes were all we had
but then, she heard wings of all sorts
scattered at her front door flocking
My birdie came knocking
stopped the boat on uneasy waters from rocking.

Opened up his tormented soul for me to see
and asked every graciously "forgive me?"
I pleaded, "but it was I who'd sent you away!"
and it still haunts me to this day
that I hurt my best friend
and thinking of those tainted sheets in which I lay.

But you told me not to worry, not to fret
the past is the past,
so lets start off where we finished last
we were stupid, carefree and naive  
we knew no greater truth than hair dye & ****
And simple things,
like paintings, a smile and teddy bears
were all we needed.

But I'm here today to prove
That I will always stay true
To give guidance and support all the way through
Ex-Lover,
Best Friend,
Brother
I love you.

My bare feet tread upon soft, dampened sand
toe-trails follow me along the shoreline & stones rest within my hand.
I gaze out upon the angry, pale sea
yet even in her times of melancholy, she beckons me
I wade in to my ankles, strip my clothing to the skin
her waves, a sirens song gently pulls my soul in.
Chest deep, the icy sting of her watery tendrils
send me shaking from within
I still push farther on,
I am among the waves but stone cold porcelain
I shut my eyes, & give body to her mercy
for my soul will never feel this whole again.

I can feel him pulsing
from deep inside me, all down & up underneath

but, when I'm on top
I have my fun,
I grab his wrists,
kiss his neck just a little bit
his eyes roll back
breaks free of my grip, running down my ***
till he finds the sweet spot
& rubs me nice

mm.
now this is how I like it
he takes control
I lose my mind
lose my body
in our souls
intertwined.

                      I


                                               gasp


           & moan




                        baby, please don't stop,oh



his head
                           tips
                  back

                                                     his jaw goes
                                                                         slack


and

                         we both

                                              ******


                                                                as one.

                                                                                  xo

So much passion rests in his palms
solo's & chord's an ease
through every last song.
Sometimes I wish to
explain to him the "he"
behind every line of poetry.
Every line, typed out on
script, to give his lusterless
love-life a trip.
Imagine what we could be
if the world had been gracious
enough to unite you & me.
Through timeless days,
space above my head I pray
that soon, we will see that day.

*It breaks  my heart, all I see is we will never be. I bleed. I cry. I don't know why but something that rests so deep in your heavy eyes has just-

made me feel, again.

I remember your face, like it was yesterday
when the sea spirits & wood nymph's played
early sunsets, long resting days
the grass blown in a newly sewn bouquet

You were such a lovely soul to me
I knew in you, I could be free
Through your saccharine-blossoming songs to me
in a simply speaking voice, or poetry

Let a rainbow trail your wings,
when you take off and fly
Through mountains, and waterfalls
the center of the earth, or the moon so high

the Mourning Dove's, sweet
morning lullabies

maybe if we try,
we can travel this earth forever,

you and i

Can   you   explain  theacid  that   runsthroughmyveins

                      wheneverI'mwithyou...


or,
             ­        I    simply       missyou


         When    I     crave     the      sensation  

         of
                   yourskinonmyskin

                                               ­                 vibrationstomytoes

        thetasteofyourmouth
­
                                                     electricitydownbelow

  

                                                         your
                                                         face
                                                     between
                                 my                                             legs


                                                         oh
                                                         his
                                                        t
   ­                                                        o
                                                          n
   ­                                                     g
          ­                                                 e
                                                          is
  ­                                                  gold

     ­ 

      diamonds                             in our                                eyes

                                                handinhand

   ­                                                tohold.


         You

                              cradle  


                                                         close&cherished;

                            my
  

                                                           heartinwhich

                  
                                ­   you stole.

I lay
still on my uncovered
mattress, the bottom
sheet has been somehow
lost in the
abyss of my blanketed
hideaway

The tree
branches broken, their
remains still sway
another lonely night
another bitter,
cold day awaits.

Goosebumps scatter
themselves amongst my
arms and I cannot
stop the clattering of
teeth. Programmed,
trained to be sustained throughout
life, I'm a puppeteers
finest masterpiece.

I dream,
I sew clovers together
in hopes to find
dumb luck
But the vines, in disguise
with a mind of their own
grow to imprison me
caged, stuck

*****.

150 down a main road
Ditched the 5'O
*******, angry
Him running his mouth's
the only music playing

Different dealers on hold
Oh baby, please don't lose control

I've gambled makin money (in not so good ways) lots in my time,
& each time I did it, made myself a pretty dime
But this round fella's
This games gettin old
Drop my cards to the table
I'm out
I fold.

Your




                                                                                                             broken





                                                           ­                      bindings




                   have




  ­                                                                                                                 torn




                                             my




              pages.

You,
  you are the cause of your own demise
  shelling yourself away in
  a mere attic of your marvelous mind
  selectively mute
  & self-paralyzed.

      Shake your self awake now!
      I just can't seem to understand
      how such a beautiful soul
      can be so strung out of sorts
      when my tiny heart
      pumps all of it's oxygen to provide
      some sort of love & support.

          Heart beat, fingers on your pulse
          lets race our hearts
          till we've nothing but beaten pulps.
          In all of my small wounds
          I've made, remind me
          to fill them with salt.

              I've slit my throat
              here's your perfect American movie scene
              slow, merciless & know, if
              it helps you breathe-
              every time your name escapes my cracked lips,
                                                                                

                                                                                                       I bleed.

My throat must a venue
                                       for The Lonely Hearts Club Band



I swallow my pulse
                                 and hold my tongue in my hand.


                                

Vivid lucid reality,  
                               popping all my stitches at the seams




on the other line, your consciousness fades
                                                           ­           as I envy your quest for dreams.





You're always in my heart though,
                                                      ros­ary beads in hand with your protection





for it is in nights like this, I simply wish
                                                         for a moment of undying affection.






Arms around me through the night,
                                                          ­ the morning sun in his hazel eyes;




filled with smiles for all eternities
                                                      ­& a stomach full of butterflies.




                                                            ­                                                   xo

I'm so glad you love me
                                                                        for who I am

                                  no make up

                                                          hair a mess
                         & freshly awake


                                              and you still find
                                                        the words I've always
                                             wanted to hear..

                                      "You're still beautiful to me"

For such a basic desire


                                                                           is not found so simply

I search
                                      for the words

                                                          ­                     I
wrote on my hips;

                                              but
                                                                ­              not another word,

                  left my frozen lips.

                                                          ­                      There is no way to
                                                                ­      springtime,

        the winter,
                   takes her tole.

                                                               ­       I bury myself away,
                                                         in this 3 pillow,
                                           double bedded hole.

Darling, but I keep myself sane.
               I dream of flowers in my hair & the warmth in your name.
    Early July conversations,
                        tapping strings, how we'd softly sing
                                           & were guided to one another's lips
      at the very touch of our finger tips.
                               I always thought I was better than this,
                                                                                                 but
                                                             ­            Love,
                                                                ­              
                                     Your heart is one I often miss.

Brave little woman,
                                                  petrified she'll never fit in
perhaps it's her unique perception of the world,

                              or the colour of her skin.

But do not keep it all within,
                                      
                  ­                                      for the tears staining your rosy cheeks
prove you not fragile nor weak.

You are, my dear
                                                               the essence of Picasso's landscape,
                                

                                 now splattered with violence, corruption & strife

But darling have hope,                           

                                   there is far too much chromatism on this earth

                     to bathe our minds in black & white.

Burnt brown sugar, sweet grass carefully caramelized.
Be blessed with few seconds of solace, the fragrance of better times.

Mother moon, always mentioned within the many stanzas to each other
is at this moment in time
a sliver of an eggshell, hanging perilously against the night sky.

A few months prior, we expressed with equal desire
to share the feelings in between words we

wrote so
faithfully, to one another in areas we grieve & aspire.



A time where,
I wasn't so in love with another.



Please pardon my newly birthed, lusterless attempts
to stay close to you.

You are still so special, so needed to me
Each sentence of your literature, brings my heart up to speed.

And darling, you are aware of my love for the ocean,
do you see how much you mean to me?

I beg of you to understand, comprehend & perhaps accept
that without your presence, acceptance & guidance

I am lost at sea
*is this my penance?

Today,
You told me how
your father never wanted you.

How,
you feel as if
you have no real family.

When,
he kneed you in
the face, over & over again.

Simply,
for not doing
what he pleased.

Today,
as you explained you
laughed because, "after all this time, I have to."

Today,
I wept all
the tears you were never allowed to.

I long to run with the wolves,
feel the cool earth beneath my paws,
hunt a seemingly innocent doe
and shred her throat with teeth & claws.

I long to travel the mountainside,
the dense forests in which the pack hides.
And when I reach the top, I'll breathe sharp & realize
I've never been this high.

I long to nestle close
with those dear & whom I treasure most.
In a sea cave, lined with sand
just off the Pacific coast.

I long that when I'm old & frail
in a bed of leaves, I'll lie curled nose to tail.
I'll simply close my eyes, let the breeze sway
for this game was worth the life we played.

Hand shaky, balancing the easel
Paint brush tight within grip
I've never seen a rainbow
Come and go so quick

It seems as if the rain clouds
Parted only for a moment today
Grey desolates,
but fear not, the colours will make their way

Shoes paint the streets with difference
Among all crowds, the brush flicks
But drop your tools & raise your arms to the sky
For you must paint the wind with your fingertips.

Who knows how do delete poems

It took me months to realize, that sometimes
I wish she hadn't died.
I held her head as life slipped from her eyes
as her heart fluttered its last bumping butterflies.

She really was my only family
Now I sit alone,
in this big wooden house
just as it is
hollow & empty.