I remember
Our last words
Etched in my brain
And on my heart
You kept saying my name
Over and over
Questioning
But I couldn’t answer
I couldn’t tell you
How much I cared
Because I knew
You didn’t
I wonder if you heard
My tears falling
As we said goodbye
For the last time
You made promises
You never intended
To keep
And I knew it
I knew we were over
Before we’d even begun
Because that’s the way
You wanted it
But not me
I wanted it to go on
Forever

I can see all the messes
In my life
The ones I made long ago
And the ones
Other people made
Of my life
Of my innocence
Of my trust
And I want to scream
With the injustice
Or perhaps exact revenge
But those chances are long past
Covered over by years of secrets
Lies, and therapy
I really have moved beyond
The pain
But every now and then
The trigger will come
My skin will crawl
And I’ll despise you
All over again

Someone called me fickle once
In high school
I had to look the word up
In the dictionary
And I didn’t agree
With their assessment
Unsure, yes
Unconfident, always
But fickle? No.
I just wanted
To be liked
You were the fickle one

I wish you had cared for me
one-tenth of what I  cared for you,
but the feelings were one sided
and all mine

Sometimes I wonder if you
still have that silly poem I wrote for you,
full of crazy phrases meant to sound clever
rather than insane

They were supposed to make you laugh
and feel happy, not uncomfortable
odd how I never kept a copy
and now the words are lost to me

I wonder if you
still fly the skies
or did someone finally clip your wings
and become your one and only?

I wish it had been me
I’ve grown up so much since then
and I keep trying to picture you now
with gray hair, like mine

I’ve traveled so many roads in life
some dusty and forlorn
some paved and serene
I’ve climbed mountains
to see where eagles soar
but it’s the places in my heart
the ones I keep secret, just for myself,
that I’ve learned the most from
how to breathe and how to let go
when to hang on and when to give up
trying to grasp the next level of growth
before it slips away into the mist
with eyes wide open my soul yearns, straining
to see tomorrow’s hidden promises
and yesterday’s lessons learned
when we get it right, we know it
and when we’re wrong, we try to justify
and cover our transgressions
so no one else will know
as though we could ever forget
we were once so immature and selfish
I always see better in the cold light of morning
or the still, quiet moments of night

In my garden
I drink in the beauty of the blossoms
Like one lost in the desert
Searching for the water of life
For a few moments
The sweet fragrance and sunlit hues
Block out an ugly world
And I am at peace...

Cannot catch my breath
Trying to come up for air
I drowned in your eyes

Lover of my heart
Breaching the strongest of walls
I am helpless now

Eyes searching heaven
Starlight permeates my soul
I am lifted up

Lazy day
Needing to do a thousand things
But my chair holds me captive
My mind churns with
A long list of to-dos
Yet I'm content
To ignore them all
A sip of root beer here
A handful of peanuts there
And the moment
Seems complete
Wanting nothing and everything
At the same time
Maybe I'll paint a picture
Or start the great American novel
Or maybe I'll just
Stay in my recliner
And pop a few more peanuts

Sunlight dances on water
Leaving behind momentary sparkles
To delight my eyes
They cannot be grasped
Only enjoyed for a second
And then replaced by new

What would you say
If you knew it would all end soon
What would you do if there were
No more tomorrows
I'm not clairvoyant
But my heart knows what it knows
Mercy has been given freely
And yet so many reject it
They go on with their little lives
In their own little ways
Without a thought as to where
They will spend forever
This is not all there is
And what you have today matters not
For it will all disappear in the blink of an eye
The things you hold dear, and the possessions
You strive for will all be gone
You have a choice to make before
You leave this world
For one day you will stand naked and ashamed
Or you will stand forgiven and righteous
You decide
Just do it.........soon

Toothless grins, gummy smiles
Eyes like saucers and lashes that rest on
Perfect cheeks, like a priceless painting
Child of mine, you are a work of art
A part of me - the best and truest form
Why couldn't you stay that way?
Dependent on me, always seeking my hand
My lap, or shoulder
The shelter of my arms
Encircling you in a ring
Of protective motherly love
My heart breaks and weeps
For anyone who has not known such love
It is the highest high and fragrant as a flower
I breathe deep and inhale you
Knowing you won't stay this way forever
I want to hold you close once more
And feel your tiny arms around my neck
I long to hear your squeaky voice and soft lisp
Just one more time
Child of mine, you grew too fast
And even though I thought I wouldn't
I let so many precious days slip through my fingers
And now you have a child of your own
Another blue eyed girl to love and cherish
It's almost like having you back for one more
Childhood dream
And now you too will know how it feels
To love a daughter

Sometimes I lay in bed and watch
The ceiling fan trace its never ending pattern
If I blink rapidly the blades seem to slow
In bursts of suspended animation
This is also my life as
I watch the never ending pattern
Woven day by day, minute by minute
But if I blink, it does not slow
It merely vanishes out of reach
And I don't even know what I missed
So why am I wasting time watching a fan?

years passing too fast
I am grateful for each one
looking ahead now

white petals drift down
whispering so soft to me
*yes, he loves you not

I remember the day we met
When our eyes locked, and then locked again, and again
We were like tiny insects caught in a web
Neither one of us able to look away
Then I turned around and when I looked back
You were swallowed up in the crowd
I walked back to look for you but you were gone
And I felt my insides break into tiny pieces
Even though I didn't even know your name
I walked a little further, heart pounding
With palpable disappointment
Just when I  thought I had lost you forever
There you were again - and those eyes!
You uttered one word, hello
I heard the resonance of your voice and a slight accent
With the driest mouth all I could manage was hi
But we weren't free to talk
So we kept walking in opposite directions
I looked back, more than once
And you were always looking back at me
It was as though we both knew we'd be apart
But what I didn't know then
Was that I'd never see you again
Funny how it all played out
With hundreds of miles between us
A non-relationship carried by phone calls
And letters and empty promises
I cared so much more than you did
I'll always remember the last time we talked
It was your birthday and you called me
My heart was yours then but you didn't want it
And when the silence fell as my tears rained down
You kept asking me what was wrong
My whole world was wrong then
But I couldn't say a word
Because you really didn't want to know
Hanging up the phone was one of the hardest things I've ever done
Becuase I knew we were over
Before we even began
And now I wonder
Do you remember?

**** the stupid spam
and not the kind in the can
i'm tired of scrolling

sunlight on fresh snow
treasure of diamond sparkles
just beyond my reach

I don't think winter
Was ever meant to be
Who can live when the cold
Freezes your soul?
I want the warmth of the sun
To kiss my skin
I want the delicate flutter of
A butterflys wing against my cheek
But nature plays this cruel trick
On me every September
It cajoles me with red and gold leaves
The shades of amber and burnt orange
Delight my eyes
All the while the leaves are dying
And I will never behold them again
Bare branches will reach up like skeletal arms
Against dull gray clouds
Snow will descend and a hush will fall
Like death, but not quite
And I must wait so long for the first bloom
Of color to push up through the spring snow
Promising the warmth of summer to follow
I don't think winter
Was ever meant to be

fireflies in my palm
light the way to fantasy
i'm a child once more

In the hollow of my heart
I yearned for loves completion
Like the caterpillar yearns for wings
Cocoon enveloped in solitary darkness
Not yet aware of the transformation within

You gave me wings to fly
Made of glass and fragile like my soul
When I came to alight on the first bloom
They shattered and dropped like cellophane tears
And once more I was incomplete

I didn't  think I could try again
Heart dry as dust and no more tears to cry
But I heard you calling my name
And knew deep inside
That you had never left me

Filled now, like a cupful of crystal water
Spilling over and spreading in rivulets
Running in streams but never running out
My lips are soft and I thirst no more
Satisfied from the inside out with you

Welcome me
I need a kind word

Born of so much self doubt
And too much time on my hands

Like the clock that keeps repeating
Ticking, talking, over and over

I watch the fish in the aquarium
Swim aimlessly forth and back

And I pretend that the bubbling sound
Is a peaceful stream next to me

Meaningful conversation escapes me
It's hard to talk to the wall