Moving with the flow of the motion I can sense the disturbance as it ripples silently across my ceiling

Jaded and effortless

It leaves my sight seeing me farther then my eyes will permit me to.

Observing me
                                            

                ­        -Omnipotently-



Keen eyed. Faceless and brazen.
               It mocks me with open contempt

Daring me to lean out and touch it
Instantly ready to be ripped away

Gratified by my indignity.

Cackling haggishly,

I sense the word ***** cross your lips momentarily before biting your tongue.

I want to wretch but worry it would only deepen your delight...

You enjoy watching me squirm don't you?

                                                   ...Father


Can you hear me now?
                        Calling out to you again...

She's right there... --My friend I mean

She doesn't have much to say but I can hear you now

Grey innocents in lieu of child-hearted tragedy...

I'm sorry.

I never knew you had made these plans for me now

Could you find it in your heart to condemn your love for me?

Just this once?

Fading white I feel we may never stray past this point...

As though when I turn the page the story you had tried to show me will be lost

Alas...

What have I now but a passing traveller's blessing??

Running down... Behind the curtain and onto the floor. Coming in from the cold and into the shimmering light...

She's beautiful isn't she?

With an outstretched hand taking mine in your own

This soothing embrace is cooling me, bringing me down -- Taking me in

I never meant to hurt you this way

Can you ever forgive these black thoughts of mine??

Pulling away I must disband these beliefs I had once held sacred

I must cast them aside!

Moving forward.  To grow.    Be free.

...Or just float away

With eyes wide open the world spins lucidly out of control  
  
Moving faster and faster, the Earth is growing...  
  
White blonde hair whipped passed her face would seem so far away  
  
Like a forgotten lover's name it is so surreal...  
  
Ideas of flight abstractly toying with the corners of her mind  
  
Her wings are pressed flat...  
  
A final escape from a dream which you could never wake  
  
This is her ecstasy.  
  
Her final curtain...  
  
Perhaps it would seem odd that her last thoughts would be of her mother  
  
So soft and warm...  
  
They never did agree on anything...  
  
Perhaps in another life they could finally see eye to eye but there would be no such luck this time around...  
  
Her head tossed in a backwards roll  
  
The last ten or fifteen feet seemed to disintegrate away...  
  
A dream's sad ending could never be so uplifting  
  
She opened her eyes for the last time to find her dream had given way to the real  
  
She had been set free  
  
...and had finally embraced the unknown

She beckons to see me come to her but runs away when she's seen I've done so...

I am.

Rising up -- Moving

This experience is Propelling me

Freeing me

I become weightless in it's magnificence

I am.

Accepting and Revealing

I become the knowledge that I have striven to feel

Reassurance cleanses my being

This certainty my own oblivion

Capturing this nurturing essence, I feel a love that only my mother could of known...

Inside me.

I am.

Pure and at home

Awake but somehow dreaming

Lost within a state of whole functionality

And never before now have I been so alone.

I am.

Free -- In this moment.

3:37 PM

Monday,

November,

Present Date....

Alive,

Awaiting Objectives.

I feel at times that my stance is awkward...  

I lean precariously from one foot to the other  
 
Tilting slightly higher as I lean in Pisa's wake  
 
Seemingly uncertain of whether to fall or stand, I rest here for a moment and crane the distance between the ground and me.  
 
Hopeful yet motionless,  star-struck in limbo  
 
Waiting for.a breeze to brush past or even stop and say "Hello"  
 
But I fear that if it did, I might just float away...  
 
Carried on high like dust in the wind  
 
No longer rooted to the ground

I take off!   It's time to go!    (for good this time)  
 
I am finally free.  

I  lift off  without a sound

Let me taste the smouldering ashes of your regret

I want you to feel me burning this time

Just a whiff just will not cut the mustard this day..

I need to know your sorry but not through your words or your actions

I want it to be sewn to my life ****** so I can show the world how I've been wronged.

I need to stumble this time for real, coughing air too intoxicated to breathe and spit blood I know for certainty could not of been my own.

To paralyse this fear in me and finally have something to call my own




This moment


"I wanted to breathe smoke"

I wish I could explain how your failure disappoints me...

How I somehow feel stained by your fault

Tarnished-- My regret filled shame washes over me in a suffocating wave

All but destroyed my heart lies stricken on the ground before me. Lifeless...

My love for you has beseech ed me and not even my own choices can save you now

I feel that now without words to further express myself I am left with nothing

"Nothing more to say or do or become... I have lost everything"

I want to tell you not to get too close -  Not because I'm worried I will hurt you, but because I'm worried that I myself am hurting you.

Insidiously.

Bleeding you, while I **** me - - Making you suffer instead of me.



I wish silently,  against my will, that you would leave.
Abandon my pretty eyes and see me without my disguise.


I don't want you to have to decide whether, or not, it would be right.

Pining romantically for tragedy, my frustration paints a full colour  portrait of guilt and spite and shame...

Looking directly at me...

This snide look all over his face and just the shambles of an unfinished sentence barely even audible saying

Well, what can I say? Sorrow just suits you better...

I need a sweet heart

I've had enough of these sobs

I want to find you and I don't care who you are. If you love me and want me and desire my heart in your hands it shall be done.

But if you leave me on the shelf I promise when you come back to me your touch will leave my body in ashes as your feelings have already scorned me beyond that of any manageable repair

I'm too far gone to be brought back now

But I'll never give up hope that one day I will find somewhere to rest these dusty hands

That ceaselessly move to keep me from *fading away

Sell your life for their coins, their papers and their lies    
   
Tell yourself the week is nearly over when climb into bed and die    
   
Sell your soul for a cheque    
   
Your hard earned life    
   
An hour for a couple bucks...    
   
Seems fair right?    
   
Building a pyramid we will never live long enough to rest in    
   
Breaking your back as the working class hero...    
   
This ball and chain keeping me captive to this horror show that only plays repeats of your favorite B-movies    
   
Always ready to be replaced by the next worst season of "Friends"    
   
I am trapped    
   
Bound by that which I am forced to see and taste and touch    
   
Compelled by this meaningless reality to go on existing under the confines of a life built on our forefathers' lives    
   
Selling ourselves to "the man" like blind, impotent and ******* ******    
   
A slave for hire

Fading in static,
I vanish from speculation entirely

I am ethereal

I slip through a closed door phantomous -- My driving need absolved

              I am cured (Temporarily)

Dead in my own eyes and abandon in my mind

I pass voicelessly through the terminal - - unrecognised

I am more alive then a lifetime of living

Exuberant; I erupt with silent joy that gushes from my open chest cavity

Evacuating the pavement
                       -
washing away organically

The worst part about it is I'm still not even 100% certain that this dream will not come to fruition

And it scares me to think that every time it starts to breech the horizon I still wonder if I will see the light of dawn...

I find it odd how as time goes on we find a reason to set down even our most valuable possessions in place of something new..

Something you had once sworn to be your life-blood can become more like your daily bread.


Not necessarily   necessary....


I guess even diamonds lose their lustre at some point....

What do you mean come to the wake?

Aren't you coming over still?

I thought you had a show next week...

Wasn't that you on the phone the other day?

When did we last speak?

Was it in good context as I remember it was?

I just can't conceive to believe that you're not.

How can I come to your wake when I'm still only dreaming?

Who will I go with?

Surely not you...

It couldn't be.

I just won't believe. I'm not going to leave.

I can't be at a wake for a man that hasn't died yet...

I simply refuse to believe.

Sometimes I want to do something reckless while thinking about you

I know that it's selfish of me, but I don't want to have to miss you

I wish that I could say for certainty that you'll be there  when I arrive, but what if I don't?

I want to walk a tight rope with my eyes closed

I know you'll be with me

I feel you in my tears as I take my final steps toward the edge

The time is right for me here.

I'm with you now.
It's been too long

My friend.

Where have you been?
I love you!

It is in this moment of shame that I am most dishonoured

I can physically hear the folds of my clothing rumple as I collapse into the sidewalk of my mind-- skull fragments reverberating off the backs of my teeth and echoing dully in the absence of mind.

Silently and absently, I will expire -- My final call

Again

              
                 and


                               Again


I will die here...
                               Even if only just in a dream

...Never before have I been so alone

Even my shadow has left me now,

My best friend has gone silent

And even I am without words left to say

I feel as though the world itself would stop if I were to cry out now

My love is like magic.
If you don't believe in it,
It will not exist
It will not be gone...
                           
It will simply-- Cease to be.

Sometimes...

I don't know where I am

                                                             ­                                       Sometimes...

I laugh until I cry and then laugh some more

 Sometimes...

I wonder when or if I will find new direction

                                                      ­                                                 Sometimes...

I help out a complete stranger for no good reason at all
                                                             ­                                 
Sometimes...

I contemplate how much I value my own life
 
                                                         ­                                             Sometimes...

I make someone else's day significantly better
                                                      ­      
Sometimes...

I don't feel the light inside of myself

                                                         ­                                           Sometimes...

I day dream for what seems like hours on end with absolutely no consequence what so ever
                                                            ­                                  
Sometimes...

I forget important things easily and as a result don't always follow through with what I say and what I do...
                                                           ­                                  Sometimes...

I arrive in the nick of time to save the day
                                                           ­                                 
Sometimes...

I don't show up to somebody's final event and as a result miss the opportunity entirely
                                                        ­                                     Sometimes...

I reach out to people who need it

                                                             ­                               
Sometimes...


I let myself go






But no matter how the time weathers my bones I MUST NOT allow this sickness to entomb my vessel. I was born FREE--a child of the earth and sun. I take flight upon the crest of the dawn and fade ethereally with the passing of dusk.




                                              Sometimes...­








**I Float Away

So here I wait

Waiting for what seemed like ever

In a room just as equally boring and lifeless as the floor design

It was a grey concrete slab... With a tarnished boot-scuff finish

Almost as foreboding as the fifteen or more empty chairs that had surrounded me

The coffee stand adjacent to me is a drunk!

It could barely stand on it's own two feet

"Clearly the obvious choice for human example" I thought to myself

What a surprise that we should me in a place so...  "Quaint?"

I'm simply Gushing with delight--Or maybe boredom

I haven't yet decided

In the corner there was a sailboat, that I had missed at first glance

(Perhaps the most well defined specimen of us all)

Dressed in what must have been the finest craftsmanship!
--Which was duly noted by the sneakers...

That stood awkwardly to the side of it

It seemed as though none of us there truly belonged but just as I had reached waning attention--

NEXT!

My workday had begun

It has little to do with the light that changes our view.
Playing tricks on our eyes is it's surrender.
It gives away it's position to us-- while we stand looking in the wrong direction entirely (almost perpetually)



Dumb-Struck it seems...

Until  we close our eyes (we convince ourselves) "I will struggle", "I can't see", "I won't find love"

But the answer, my friend, I give to you:
Be free.
I will love you.
And you can see anything, if all you want to be is "me"

I reveal to you strength from within.
Now





                                    
           ­                             just





                          ­                                                                 ­  Breathe.

I wish I could of captured the contentment that you showed to me

Or even just still-framed it in my mind...



So I could look back and reflect upon it and see how you used to be contented in me
As I once was contented in you

Do not consider this an extension of myself...

This particular mode of communication is nothing more then a carrier pigeon to me.

I want to walk away

To just walk out

And go so far away that when any of you realise that I'm gone it will already be too late to follow me

No footprints in the snow left to track...

I want to be gone from here-- To be free

Or maybe just.... %$#!!!!

                                      ...Never mind

I don't think I Can help myself any more...
I'm just hardwired this way

I wish there was more to it but I just keep proving myself wrong. There is no bottom

It just keeps going

Maybe I should toss a stone(r)
                                    Down...
            ­                                       and...
                                                                ­  
                                                              se­e...  
                                                          ­                
                                                ­                        just how...

                                                         ­                             far...

                            ­                                                                 ­     it...

                                                     ­                                                      falls...

Maybe it'll hit rock bottom?