I see his name and my stomach plummets
Not in the way it used to
Not in the way that made my face glow
And my knees weak

Its sinking
Screaming
The blood drains from my face
And I gasp for air.

Hollowed out ghosts linger on my tongue
And tickle my mind
Scratching at the back of my teeth
But never leave my lips.

Faded places writher in my eyes,
And seep into my thoughts.
Trickling down my hands
But never escape my fingertips.

Help is a four letter, one syllable word that carries the weight of the world.

Baby, can you see me?
Can you hear me?
I'm screaming under water,
Drowning under you.

Baby, can you feel me?
Can you please me?
I'm fighting myself
Over and under stars that shine my name

Baby, can you find me?
Can you save me?
I'm walking on a line
That I've crossed so many times.

Oh and I can't feel
The ground beneath my feet
When will this seem real?

I've been trying for awhile
Please tell me why it's so hard
To fake a smile

Give me a name
To remember
I've got no one to blame

But myself.

do you ever mess up something super duper minor and no one else thinks it an issue and you see that but on the inside you just feel like collapsing and crying and folding into little pieces of human origami because god it would be wonderful to be anything but yourself?

Look at her
Her perfectly streamed hair of blond and amber
And that tiny waist.

Oh the way he looks at her
Like the last flower on earth and he a lonely bee
Her brightness draws him in.

Fine.
She can have what she wants.
I have no interest in competition.

But look how sweet he is!
With his lips so perfectly placed at kissable height
And his arms so tight around me.

Oh the way we talk!
Diving into the past as if discovering another world.
He fascinates me.

Wait.
I must have what I want.
I have no interest in competition.

My sick, twisted mind
Is starting to unravel
And I'm left with the fraying threads
Of my existence.

Sad sunken eyes beneath hair
That hasn't been brushed
For far too long
With a low key smile
Begging to be kissed
I wish I had been there
For all the storms
I wish I had known
You weren't a stranger.

Snow is a thing that glistens when it's new
Children stare wide eyed in anticipation
Of christening the fresh fluff with boot trails
And snow angels and men.

But as the days get shorter
And the nights grow longer
It begins to dim and dull to a grey suit
Covering the soft green grass
And chilling the warming air.

Until it comes to a point where
One cannot help but wish
That winter would take the hint
And simply turn to spring.

Crooked smiles passed between
The rims of crystal wine glasses
And glimpses of someone else's yesterday
Whispered through pursed lips.

Delicate painted hands clasped
In laps fiddling with cashmere sweaters
And patent leather shoes
Tapping to the rhythm of expectation.

Through superficial pity and catty eyes
The lives of others were discussed
And though each teller would deny it
They revelled in the others sin

Building their own morals up
And blinding themselves to their own faults.
But in mothers dining room it's clear to see
The traits they share are wickedness and vanity.

3 am and I'm wide awake
Tossing and turning in a bed too big
To soothe my lonely soul.
And as my mind wanders to you
And your arms around me
I begin to wonder if it's really you
I miss....
Or just being held.

It's the happy memories
That bring a meloncholly heart.
The ones with the smiles and the laughs
Of kissing in a snowstorm
Or dancing in the rain.

The sad ones hurt
But not the same way.
Because the joy that once was
Will never happen again
With you.

I still miss you, sometimes.
In the aching quiet of the night
When my thoughts wander to the smiles
And the laughs, and kisses.

I remember how you looked at me,
Like I was the answer to a thousand questions
I know you answered all of mine
Or at least, you did at the time.

You taught me lessons.
Like how to sing freely,
And how to love
Both openly and cruely.

I'm starting to forget your voice
And the way your hand fit in mine.
The smell of your skin
Has long since been washed from my sheets

I know we'll never be friends
You don't want to see me again.
And that's alright.
Thanks for the adventure.

Two sips away from poison
Two lies away from treason.

Two too many mistakes made for redemption
Two too many hands away from salvation.

Two minutes away from acception
Two seconds away from extinction.

I can't find words to fit your tortured soul,
But I suppose that's fitting.
You were the only one,
Who's ever left me speechless.

I'm not sure,
How I can hold so much anger,
And so much love for you
At once.

You're a drunk fool,
It was a drunk love.

"I'm drunk" she said as she clutched onto my arm
Her hair dangling off her shoulder flickering in the wind
And her eyes glinting as they reflected the street lights.

Her heels quaked at the uneven concrete and she giggled
She wobbled, tightening her grip bringing me closer
Each step she took was a little bit messy and incredibly charming.

She stopped mid stride and turned to me
Standing so close that I could feel the wisps of her flowing skirt
Dance across my thigh.

Her lips parted just a small amount
And mischief flickered in her eyes
She leaned forward grasping at my neck

Inches away from my hesitant lips
She whispered something coy
And she spun on her heel with as much grace as her drunken self could muster

"If I were a boy" she said, her back now to me
"I'd think you were my world"
And before I could inquire more our cab pulled up.

And we, were headed home.

Sweet kisses move me like a lullaby
Midnight rushes over our eyes
And sits upon our brows
Tight arms surround
Gentle swaying in the moonlight
To the rhythm of romance
Let us dance in our dreams

"You're on the incline"
He said as I looked down into the abyss
He held my hand and stroked my face and told me that he cares
"I'll help you, we'll help each other"
He told me as I sunk into his arms.

I can never tell if I'm hiding
Or just simply watching
Because it never seems to be either.
I just exist
I do not glimmer.

You were just a line
A line so faint I couldn't believe it
But then you became two lines
Three lines
Four lines.

Scattered out on my bathroom floor.
Its amazing, what lines can do
To a twenty year old girl.

I couldn't even say the words out loud.
But its been 9 months since those lines
And you're not here.
And all the thoughts I wouldn't let myself think
They're all too real.

Perhaps your name was Audrey
And you had your daddy's curls
Maybe you would've had your mommy's nose

Perhaps your name was Elijah
And you had your mommy's eyes
Maybe you would've had your daddy's smile

Or maybe I would've never known you
And you'd never know my name
I'd dream about you every night
As you lay far away.

I wasn't ready
For those little lines
Nor was your daddy
He cried.

I remember how I shook
The night you went away
The crying and the aching
I wanted you to stay.

I'll never hold your hand
You'll never ask to play
And I will never know
What it is like to hear your voice

But I am healing
I think less of your loss
Than I do my inability to care
You deserved better than I had.

I know all the little things
Like how
You take your drinks without ice
And how
You'd rather freeze in a leather jacket
Then out on a real coat.

I know what it means
When your face starts to twist
And I know what you're thinking
When you insist
On opening the door for a lady.

I know the way your hair dries
When it's fresh out of the shower
And straight into bed:
Almost like it's going to fly away.

I know how your eyes plead
When you're holding back
And I know how your hands curl
When something hurts

But the thing I wish I never knew,
Was your face of disgust
And the way you can quit a person
Like me.
I wish I never knew the little things.

I want to scrub my skin until it's raw
I want to clean until the floors shine
I want to put on a face

I want to lie in bed forever
I want to smoke until I cough up black
I want to drink until I can't feel

I want to make them smile
I want to tell a joke
I want to be funny

I want to hide
I want to lock my room
I want to run away

I want to succeed
I want to never worry again
I want to be happy

Liquid in our thoughts
Solid in our actions
Sharp to the point
Soft to the touch

Fluid in the matter
Choppy in the act
Faithful in our promises
Unreliable in our paths

"Diamonds are a girls best friend"
They tell me with smiles so bright they shine
But their eyes are cold and so are the jewels they hold.

Some boys on Abbey Road wrote about a lonely girl.
With diamonds and a sky of marmalade
But no one to hold.

And I have to think that if I had the choice
I'd rather stay on the ground
To have your hand to hold.

For diamonds are too cold
To sacrifice for love.

Strain my brain
Of pretty words for you
My dear I cant be near
Without falling into you

Love is a silhouette
And she dances on my shoulder
Stability is a shadow
And he likes to play a game
Insanity is a ghost
I'll never see him tamed.

Earth to self,
You are not okay.
Please seek help.
Love,
You.

Sitting on the rooftop with you
Talking about all the things we'll never do
Dreaming of a better day
Dancing on the milky way

You sit and tell me your secrets
Asking if I'll keep it
Smile with those perfect lips
Inches away from a kiss

I wonder if you realize
How easy it is to fall into your eyes
Like grey skies and blue oceans
They set my mind in motion

I'll admit I'm falling for you
But only of you admit I've got you hooked too

We are the generation
With our sorrow etched into our skin
And swallowed down with the morning coffee
Fingers crossed that tomorrow will be better.

We are the generation
With our lives plastered on screens
And written in the history of our web
Desperate for affirmation.

How can one be showered in compliments,
Yet covered in shame?
The stains of self consciousness remain.

Morning comes like an secret lover
Peeking through my cracked blinds
Caressing my face with warm light
Filling me with joy
To think I once wished
To never see its face again
I'm alive.

She is a shadow so frail
That thoughts alone ignite her
Her eyes wither and grow with sadness
A worn hand to hold onto
She sings me lullabies in the morning
To keep me close in bed
She tells me all my secrets:
They're better off in my head.
She doesn't like when I talk to strangers
She says they'll never love me more
I can't imagine life without her
It wouldn't last for long
My dark and lovely mistress
My shadowed saddened soul.

You look at me the way they do in movies, full of wonder and curiosity.  It scares me to think that someday you might see me the way he does now: the way I see myself.

I wish I could put into words
The way I still reach for you
In my sleep

I don't think it's right that I get uncomfortable with the thought of meeting a man because of what I fear is expected of me. Even more so the fact that more often than not, I am right, and I have to pry myself away from their wandering hands and expectant lips. They always try for more, even after being told no. They make lame *** excuses to touch my ***. Because in our culture, no doesn't mean stop, it means not yet.

No means no, and I don't want to hear about how they feel they are being made to be the villain. I don't want to fear the implications of standing up for myself, if they get upset or overly defensive. I shouldn't have to justify my choice to keep my clothing on. This is not me playing hard to get, I just want them to respect the boundaries that I have placed.

I've never been overtly ******, I've never been the type to go further than a kiss on the first date. Netflix and chill, means popcorn and cuddling, not hands flying under blankets. For me, no means no. It doesn't mean not yet, it doesn't mean that with a few more drinks I'll be good to go.

It shouldn't be this way, women shouldn't have to defend the meaning of no. There shouldn't be the fear of expectations. We shouldn't have to worry about how a man will react when we ask for respect.

I am a canvas
Painted in harsh strokes
With kind words
Mistakes blend in
Over time and diligence
But are never erased
They sit quietly
Under layers of oil paint
Built into my foundation