I wonder if
Emotionally stable people just
Sit on the throne in the mornings
Flushing out
Unwanted emotions
Filtering through
The daily
Bs

Icecream you are a sick disease
But here I am
With a spoon in my mouth,
Eating you up like a champ,
Licking every last drop in the bowl,
Believing I am the sickness
And you are the cure
You are the future
You stop time
Dead in its tracks
You reroute the train
Long after its detailed
So I stop and I think
Dr icecream
You are  hired !

Artificial like fake?
False?
Imperfect?
Gone mad?
Impartial?

Not even flys know
When doors swing open
That opportunity is knocking
They just enter -
Ignoring the fact that
Even living comes with a cost

The window cracks open
A sleepy six year old
Drools in the back seat
Face full of sweat
Eyes rolling back in her head
Thumb on the switch
A welcoming invite
For the
Lone sky surfer

Trusting the little girl
It enters
The radio crackles
In and out of frequency
But the fly hears no sound
The fly doesn't see the little girl
As little
The fly doesn't even see the little girl
As girl
The fly just enters
The fly has no fears
Risking its life
For curiosity
Its days are numbered
Soon it pings at the window
Trying desperately to escape
As the little girl swats at it
Its small body
Much smaller than hers
Tires quickly
It's frail wings tear
The girl smiles a sense of accomplishment
As the tiny bug
Clings to it's last limbs of life
A tall brunette returns to the car
Releasing the fly just in time

Love is not being too realistic but not being too abstract
Love is far more the bow and less the arrow it's the ribbon on the present instead of the heart shaped box
Love is knowing when to give and appreciating more when you receive
Love is a single I miss you text at 2am
It's a million miles away thought
And a one thousand dreams in a minute
It's a deconstructed highway
In the middle of *** **** no where
Lost and out of gas
But romance needs no fuel
It doesn't need butane or a lighter
It doesn't spark when you light it
It just finds its own way
Straight through the heart

Do you hear noises at night
See ghosts of ex's that were never really there?
Do you wipe ***** dishes with clean cloths and leave them there

Space out on purpose
Or act dumb
Because being smart draws
More attention

Have you ever slept so peacefully
You woke up face first in drool?

Do you brush doors and walls
With body parts
More than you touch other people?

These are the kinds of things I wonder

But I know you're never wondering
About me.

A long time ago I'd look to the sky through vibrant colorful kitten-petting electro bumping lens, the *** was more rich than gold, many shades of greens, aroma more potent than pine herself, and sticky that bud, eyes glowing red,  blazing all through the night, with no care in sight, nostrils tickled for snow in summer, anything,  so I wouldn't remember,
and I'd find it,  you bet id find it, I'd rail every last track in town until the trains collided and my world fell down, I awoke the day you kicked me out, but now looking back, I'm glad you did.

Paintings hover like sky surfers
Sparkle in the eyes of art lovers
One abstract
And the other more to the point
Some created impulsively
The others created
With the help
Of a joint

Ones man dirt is another man's gold
Respect your elders
Always do as you are told

you could have me
right here right now
but you hide cowardly
and because once a coward
always a coward
you will never rebound.

grey white water droplets played peek a boo amongst the
tips of the trees in the skyline.
tickling their tops with soft gusts of wind. weaving in and out like a miniature vortex. it was peaceful. it was calming. there were no rustling of animals. not even the birds made peeps. the sky seemed to shadow the earth of all living. the white blanket hugged the land, ******* it dry of occupation. Jayden stood in the center of its mouth. A dream like state engulfed her mind. Her thoughts obsolete. Everything seemed divergent. Her footsteps echoed as she  walked along the concrete. She looked upwards again  - this time noticing the gold emerging .  How could the sky canopy such beauty in nothing. No color, no sound, no taste.

four bullets
strike a bone
and a rib

brilliant *******
crimson rivulets
escaping like ghosts

the heartbeat struggles
to keep time
a failing metronome

death gnaws at nostalgia
the past
no less a path
of broken dreams

Maybe you never wanted to hear my voice
Maybe you just needed someone to listen
Maybe you wanted to be
the person that
Closes the coffin
Instead of opens it
Maybe
You wanted to be the hay stack
Instead of the needle
Maybe you were born Romeo
When you were meant to be Juliette
Maybe you found clyde but never
Bonnie
Who ever you are
And who ever I am
We're not missing the jelly
We've just
misplaced the jar.

my only advice to myself,
my only advice to you,
is to shower yourself
with kindness

appreciate yourself
embrace your differences

buy romance novels
if thats what you like to read
dont be ashamed
dont let anyone judge you
for being you

take all the love you had
for that person

all that bottled up
mason jar of
disappointment

and tell that

inconsiderate

heart stabbing

'i'm going to love you forever'

LIAR

that you're busy
taking care of you

focusing on what you want
focusing on the things you need

buying magnets by the dozen
building an empire of grumpy cat
in your bedroom

cause this is your life
and no one elses!

i know you wont understand this
just hear me out,

time is short
but
life is shorter
and in the end
its only you
that will lose
if you dont
act wisely

stop wasting seconds on
short rehearsed paragraphs
from poisonous people
that make it
tough to look away
but even tougher to stay

you deserve better
and trust me
there's always someone better
waiting in the background

You used to be smart
Book smart
Head so far in books the boys only read you for your body
They still do
But now you're slipping
Fading
Falling
Crumbling like the stones on the east side of the cliff
And the downfall isn't pretty
It's not filled with
Diamonds or gems
Expensive purses
Or MacBooks

It's empty
It's lost
And it's scary

It's alone

Trust me when I say this
I've been there
It's not pretty

threatened
like a cornered animal
like a fish
like a frog
like a harmless
warthog -
i dont even know anymore
grown adult
acting like a kid
feeling like a child
i once was lied to

once decieved
once a little part of me died
a part of me cried
****** over
curled up
evil was all i trusted
evil was all i lusted
torn
just a ball
covered in scrapes

covered in scrapes of
pain,
bruises
and too many loses

till i realized

people grow
people go
people leave
people see
that life is just a flash
in front of thee
that life is just
a flash
a flash
in front of we

Dear tea
As I write this
I hope you're smiling thinking
**** do I taste good

I better not crash someone else's car
Or ruin someone else's life
Balance they say
It a learning curve they say
Wiggle your nose
While rubbing your tummy
Im tired of being tired
Of never being good enough
Never pretty enough
Or funny enough
I stutter
Stumble
Bump into stuff
It's a curve now they say
But it's not a learned one

Patiently waiting for the text to come in
A ping to remind me I'm still dead from within
I look to the sky but no birds fly on by
It's empty it's grim
It reminds me of him
Bottled up anger can't be contained in a bottle
It explodes like a volcano
And soon no isn't ok though.

the wind pushing down an icy street
i dont have to walk
i have two feet

i slide to the rink
my toes are frozen

personality on fleek
im a bit of a freak

rock of ages
blares the speaker

i cant help but think
this is a moment in time

a once in a life time
all that leaves me is memories

the church
the coach
the house
the mouse
the couch
the rink
the time
that sinks

everything gone
just a memory

for me -
a scoop in reality
of something
you cant see

Chocolate pudding
Cheese
Where'd did all the summer leaves go
Gone with the wind
Rustling through the trees
All that's left is broken dreams
Cries and screams
A Made up belief
Make shift keys
Crooks & thieves
Everyone leaves

How come I hear walking stomping tick tocking from the roof above me
The heavens aren't raged
I live on the top floor
There's no rain
drip dropping
Or
Ice forming on my window yet

The cold of winter lifting the hairs on the back of my arms
***** like a love sick man
(I like women)

Drilling and talking
Why at 1016 in the morning
Do i realize that all of my questions will remain questions
Because you can't make concrete
from pain
(That holds)

I saw you standing on
A different level,
In An alternate world,
In an alternate state,
You wanted to hug,
You wanted to apologize ,
You wanted to recouncil,
Make peace with everything
You thought you'd done,
Sew up the stitches in time,
Smooth out the waves in the sea
We call life,
But i found comfort in miles ahead,
And I'm sorry,
I can't look back now

when did we get so old
to enjoy lifes leisure's
The simple pleasure in walking down an unfamiliar path
the simple pleasure in reading a book
To get a laugh
the the simple pleasure in feeling more than just happy or sad

digging into our childhood youth
taking the time to look at picture books a time or two
taking the time to write a short story
or scribble a dog in a note book
fold origami and try to predict our lives
through a little piece of paper
that only seemed to lie

when did we get so old that
a play date
meant ***

that a simple card game
lead to
An axe of respect

when did we get so old
that a drink or two
Meant
twenty two
When did we get do old?

We didnt mature!

We only grew.

Beauty is not dead!
For the leaves of humans
are more than
discarded cigarette butts,
behind the backs of dumpsters,
And on every city bus

Summer blossoms
beyond her will
in synchronized green dances
Until she's full
that project signs
To create vines
of who is the fittest
And who missed their chance

Foilage cascades on every surface
climbers unravel
to observe this
what wonderful weaves
and intricate colors
a tell-tale sign
that

beauty is not dead!

I can't replace him
I am not your boyfriend
Or your father
Or the insecurities that haunt you
Dropping in on you like flys
Buzzing in and out of your life
But never leaving
I'm not them
And I never will be
I'm not used to living with you
Bowing down to greatness
Because I wouldn't know great
If it came right up and bit me
Lets face it
I'm stuck back here with you
Exactly where I shouldn't be

Time isn't a broken clock
Your ticker does feel broken
From time to time
You can't please everyone
Honesty really is the best policy
A job can really
Make or break you
Sleep isn't a waste of time
It's actually necessary
And quite therapeutic
Therapy is helpful
But only if your willing
A soft touch
With harsh words
Are not worth
Spilling milk over

Rain pours down my window
Thick streams
Wash away the ugly
(And pretty)
Of the world


A drum beat starts
And thunder deafens
my ear drums
Mother nature sits grinning
Ear to ear 
In her palace
Ready to pounce
Like a cat
At any chance
The fate of our world
Rests in her hands
Worms are smeared along the side walk
Their demise a modern work of art
That no one wants
Guts, intestines and broken hearts
Expel from what's left of their slimy bodies
Exposing all of the good stuff
All of the gross stuff
the blood
The gore
And
Every thing in between

The tides rise
And the people start screaming
Tiny infants stand no chance
Against what once
Kept them alive

Mother nature strikes again
This time
With winds
That pick houses up and throw parked cars
Goldilocks gets abducted from the 3 bears
She wakes up searching
On her hands and knees
For her missing
Glass slipper
While the tin man makes love
To Aladdin
The end

Maybe some credit
Is far due
In saying
For I've ticked and tocked
And had people walk all over me

I'm still living proof
That I'm not just a goof
I probably can't do maths
My hands shake in class

I talk pretty big
my size is a twig

But understand this

If I go

You'll have zilch.

Who are you and why are you sinking inside of me ?
Rewriting my thoughts
Erasing novels
Set in stone
When my grandma passed away

I dont want to drown
By your anchor

Vanish from this earth
Like I never existed

Scream at the top of my lungs
While water burrys me
Alive

Get torn apart
By the beasts
In the great big sea

Where white orchas linger
Stomach grumbling
Hungry
And
Blood thirsty for anything
They can sink their teeth in
Tare right through flesh and bone
With ease

No.

I want to blossom like an orchid
Rocket through the sky

With the wind.

i want to live my life

Instead of letting life

Steal the living
From
Out of me.

Don't get ******* on little things
Don't throw in the towel
When you were just meant to fold it

Sirens buzz in the busy streets
People cling to unhealthy lives
Unwilling to change
Because change takes time

So they hang from a noose
And wait to be saved

Lost
Lifted
Loopy
Limping
Literally
Lethal
Licked
Luxury

Tongues are weapons
But actions are shields
I'm not hurt that you're upset
I don't feel bad for being brutally honest
Exploiting every feeling
Stabbing your front when you claim it was the back
I was only trying to help
But you mistook help for hell.
(I'm innocent)

lightening is outside
tapping at the glass
strikes of bright
yellow flashes
brighter than the flashes
on our smart phones
(more like dumb phones because rarely
do they ever work properly)
jokes on us though
because most of us cant even last half an hour
without our phones
or we start to go bananas

The aching body
demands to be held
But the anxious mind
Over-rides with
No chance
in hell !

I miss you mom
Tough love is difficult in a world of what ifs and why's
Sometimes I waste my energy
Thinking up horrible things that could happen to you
I know nothing lasts forever
But growing up is scary
Especially doing it alone
The stars don't sparkle like they used to
The jet black sky is fading
I want to sleep
I'm tired
But I'm also really scared
What if I wake and you are gone
What if I close my eyes and 10 years pass by
I don't understand fear
But I know I need you here

Every morning I feed my cats. Little toy soldiers that never wind up (until you pull their tails) They dont march well either. They just eat sleep meow repeat. I'm always saying that they need to lose weight, but maybe I'm the one who needs to lose weight. More off my shoulders and less off my plate.  

Every day I give in to their precious faces. Prancing around in the most angelic of ways. I forget that even angels lose their halos some days. So I feed them. Gnarly minced meat that looks like a drunks *****.  

The phone rings. I'm the type of person that absolutely has to answer. I could be brushing my teeth or doing open heart surgery, and I'd still answer. I'm worse than your granny who picks up to telemarketers. $200 landline bill and a cheeky response of "but it rings" Yes it rings but it doesnt need to be answered. Diamond rings exist but they dont always need to be bought.

Florida called me today. (Yes, the state) They wanted to know if I would test out some skin products but my skin is already a product. I answered the call, in hopes it would be you but it wasnt you, because it never is. Even when it is it isnt because you are never you. (its not like you live in Florida, but maybe you moved?)

You told me about a week ago that you were "emotionally dead inside" What the duck does that even mean? We're all dead inside! You told me you didnt know how to love. Nobody knows how to love, its just something we're supposed to do. If we dont know we just act. Thats why we have actors and actresses.

I'm not good at questioning you because you're about as helpful as those helpless self-help books that i'm supposed to do (but I never do). You always send me mixed signals and but i'm too stupid to read between the lines.

I always fill my glass with too much soda. I always fill my plate with too much turkey and never finish it. Actually, I have this weird thing where I always have to leave the ends of things. The last bite of Thanksgiving dinner or the end of a Candy cane at Christmas (I hate Christmas) But things like that are normal, and if they're not, they're strange things that nobody really cares about! (so stop asking)

Do you ever get intimidated? I mean really backed up against a wall shaking? Not that 1 night stand kind where your boyfriend forgot where he left his boxers and Mr. Moroz gets off from work in half an hour. No, I'm talking scared shitless. You act so tough like nothing phases you. Everybodys afraid of something atleast thats what ive been told. You like serial killer movies, and getting into the minds of them. I like serial killer movies, and getting into the mind of you.

You started a job placement. I was half heartedly happy for you, but sad also cause you'd be busy most of the day. You tell me you never ignore me on purpose but what about that day you left me on read for 3 hours? Anxiously glued to my phone until a blinking light revived me.

Sometimes you calm the storm. You make me feel alive even though you know i'm dying. You tortured me in a way that I liked it. Laying on top of you, your arms stretched around me, until we both fell into a deep slumber. You told me you've never been with a girl but you'd like to. Truthfully, I've never been with one either.

You love showers. You've never actually told me and I'm too afraid to ask. Is it because the water drowns out all other sounds? Or if you're crying nobody seems to notice. Water isnt that pretty to me. Alot of people dig the oceans view, but I just wonder about the fish and see past the bottom-less pit.

You had penne chicken tonight. Chicken is one of my faves too! I like it fried, greasy and deadly. Heart-attack in the making! You once asked me to pronounce something, I think it was **** but maybe i'm mistaken. I didnt know why then, but I do know now. I'll leave that to you to decode. You cant line up lies like numbers unfortunately. Life skills are a bit more complex than equations.

We all have self destructive behavior. We all dislike something about ourselves. After all, theres no perfect body. Theres no perfect brain. We all cope in ways differently, but indirectly that makes us all conclusively the same.

You told me you liked fire and I called you a Pyro. I should have called you a liar but at the time I didnt realize I was the one jumping through flames. You told me you didnt like fire because it got you off, you liked it because its amazing, its pretty, its miraculous. You told me you burned yourself. This should have rose red flags, I should have got goosebumps and took off running. I wasnt scared though, I was intrigued.

Maybe you're a thrill seeker. Maybe in the process of saving the world you forgot to save yourself. But then I re-analyzed the situation. I took a stand point from a birds eye view. You were never trying to dodge the fire. You were the fire and I should have been trying to dodge you.

You asked me what aroused me. I played ping pong and made you answer first. You said Brittany Snow. I wanted to say you at the time and maybe I should have. Maybe I should have held my heart on the line and watched you tie knots then burn it.
Maybe
just maybe

i'd     still
    be
here    today

I Made a friend recently
She throws big words around
And over explains things
like time isn't even a thing
I wonder if she knows the end is near
She isn't a young chicken
She's been around the block
a time or two
She speaks analytically
And avoids eye contact
Like me
I guess even aging doesn't
Change us

She swore today
I wonder if that means we've unlocked
The door to trust
I hope she knows
I tend to lose my keys

Friendship is a strange thing

When one door closes
Another one opens
Even if its just temporary

We are not robots.
Our bosses just program us
to operate machines

Robotically

Sometimes we just know
We know what makes the heart float
When everything seems like sinking water
It's a life line
A healthy line
The help you can search a life time for
But
Confidence
Confidence in self
Is not something you can be taught
It's felt through the heart
But getting there
Us like climbing the great Wall
Of china
It's weak in the knees
For life's greatest offering
It's feeling
Like you matter
But also going at a pace comfortable to you
People can't be pushed
We can be molded
But a mold is just mold
And it eventually comes crumbling down
But let me tell you
You'll run laps around your heart
But you've always known
Right from. The start!

You can't have your cake and eat it too but occasionally you can chip away piece by piece until all the crumbs and slivers are a whole lot of full belly and afternoon naps

Better at creating,
The best at manipulating,
But why do I always find myself...
Sat here just waiting?

when all was told and done,
family and friends will lie within,
nothings gonna matter,
about the ****** weather,
just a speck in the flow,
a grain of sand
of let go
realizing that life is short
oak or willow
how will you be -
will you bend or will you break
the oak will break
but willow will bend
thus common knowlege
that line i said.
hold on tight to the water
though it is liquid and a bit
'a bother
hold too tight and youll have nothing
hold to lose and watch it sploosh
a speck of knowledge
wasted

Life isn't basic
So why do we expect a
Simple solution
To a complex equation?

Antidote
Arguments
Arranged
Always
Afraid
Acquired
A page
Abandon
Accept

I tried to run from you
but then i remembered
you'll be the one to die first.

We've all suffered through birthdays
Christmas
Thanksgiving
Easter
Mothers day
Fathers day
Too weak to get out of bed day
Sick day
Sister day
Grandma day
Auntie day
But what about me day
What happens when my day suffers?

I don't want to get up
The sun is too yellow
Her rays are too strong
I say
Sleep is for the weak she claims
She peels back my eyelids
I'm blind for the day

Obsession of possession can be corrected but how to correct obsession of another being ?

How can you trust a person who broke said trust a thousand times over?

How do you set boundaries when you are constantly deep sea diving and  gasping for air ?

I know I should eat
But I'm too full to be hungry
I know I should sleep
But I'm too awake to be tired
I know I should grieve
But I'm too hurt to forgive
....
2beContinued

roll the dice love
i just want to lose your love tonight
insult
complimate
compliment
complimate
comply
compromise­
compterize
contemperize
close the door
and dont forget what i told ya
shoulder
heres the door
you want more
i dont wanna lose
Control