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861 · Apr 2014
Relapsing
Xyns Apr 2014
I wrote on myself last night

I wrote the words

                                                          Vile

            Broken

                                                                                            *****

                                            Alone

                      Ugly

                                                                             Fat

                                                    Pale

     Stupid

                                                                                     ****

                              Inferior

                                                                                                            Lonely

                 Sad

                                                          Awkward

                          Weird

                                                                                        Worthless

I wrote them with sharpie

And then I took my pocket knife

Freshly sharpened

And I cut the words into my skin

I cut lines across my thighs

And I watched all the ink sink in

"They say that ink poisoning can **** you

Well, welcome death

To my body. To my temple."

That's what I said

Later, I got in the shower

And I scrubbed off the writing

I scrubbed until my flesh was raw

There was even a little more bleeding

I marked DAY 3 off the calendar

And I went to bed

This morning I woke up

I plastered a smile on my face

And prepared for the day

To see the only one who makes me happy

And keeps me sane

At least when he is around

Soon I'll go home and do like usual

I'll pull out the sharpies

And again I'll sharpen my pocket knife

I'll make a long list of words

And I'll repeat the night before

But tonight I might not cry as much

Even though the pain will be 10 times worse
859 · Mar 2014
I don't know why.
Xyns Mar 2014
I just hate it when i comment on something and it comes across as rude or insulting. I never mean it to..I dont know why, but it happens a lot.
857 · Mar 2015
Crutch
Xyns Mar 2015
I hate being
awake.
And when I'm
awake
I hate being
sober.
And when I'm
sober
I hate being
*alive.
855 · Sep 2017
purple
Xyns Sep 2017
I want to text you
And to call you too
I want to update you on all the news

I want to tell you I love you
And that I miss you too
I want to make you laugh like I used to

I want to go back in time
To peek inside your mind
I want to press rewind
Beg you to change your mind

I want to hear your voice
To understand your choice
To you, my voice in only noise..

Sometimes I think I need you
Used to say you needed me too
I feel like a fool for believing you

I need to go back in time
See myself through your eyes
I need to press rewind
Maybe I'd realize that I'd been blind
850 · Jan 2015
A Father's Poem
Xyns Jan 2015
She's a soft cool rain on a hot summer's day.
She makes me laugh with the funny things she has to say.

She's the beat of my heart, and the air that I breathe.
She's the sun and the wind, and (Autumn's) golden leaves.

She's the pride that I feel when I know she's done what's right.
She's that warm feeling I get, when I remember tucking her in at night.

She is homework and a busy social life.
She has this beautiful smile that could light the darkest night.

She is the scared feeling I have when she stays out late.
Or the feeling that I am losing her, when she wants to date.

She's the mixed emotions I have, as I watch her mature and grow.
I tell myself she will never leave, but, I know in my heart that someday she will go.

I hope the man that steals her heart, will treat her like a queen.
Because she deserves so much more, than a man that treats her mean.

I will always cherish the heart wonderful times we have had.
The best part of my life was being her dad.

So now you know who she is, she's my little girl.
I love her with all my heart and always will
Written by my dad.
848 · Mar 2014
Alterations
Xyns Mar 2014
Let my lust overtake me
Let my sins forsake me
Let my anger erode me
Let my joy escape me

May this void replace me
May this addiction erase me
May this trust evade me
May this truth awaken me

I'll give in to the battle
I'll surrender my weapons
I'll open the floodgates
I'll learn these lessons
845 · Mar 2014
I'll Be Here
Xyns Mar 2014
And when the earth shakes
The mountain quakes
I'll be here to calm your tremors

And when the world stops
Your reality drops
I'll be here to fix it

And when hearts break
Because saints are fake
I'll be here to save you
843 · Mar 2014
Broken Down Society
Xyns Mar 2014
Shadowed hearts
Dancing on a broken flame
Where they are going
They shall remain

Fractured souls
Ignoring the burning urge
To become whole
Into darkness, they surge

Candle light
Illuminating the shelter
Of those alone
With lives so helter-sketler

Drifting comrades
Ignored calls in the dead of night
Lost in thoughts
They've backed down from the fight

Holy water
Poured out by a pastor
Forsaken love
From thy father

Abandoned faith
Drenched in the guilt of blood
Confusion sets in
Guidelines as clear as mud
I am still working on this but I would love some feedback and suggestions. Tell me what you think so far and what I could do to improve please.
826 · Nov 2014
Drain Me.
Xyns Nov 2014
**** me if it makes you feel alive

Drain me if it makes you feel revived

Hate me if it makes you feel alright

Hurt me if it makes you feel complete

Suffocate me if it helps you breathe

Cut me if it stops your bleeding

Slap me if it calms your nerves

.........................................................­.......

**** me if it makes you feel alive
815 · Aug 2021
John 11: 1-44
Xyns Aug 2021
I keep thinking how Jesus raised Lazarus from his tomb
And about how that really must have healed his family’s wounds
I’ve been praying for some leniency for yours too
Still, no matter how many tears I shed, it’s for no use
He must have thought Lazarus deserved life more than you

But I don’t think he does
See, I think God chooses favorites
And it just wasn’t us

I keep begging for a miracle to come through
Hoping that all this tragedy doesn’t have to be true
And I know it’s pointless of me to do
But I’m only human; What am i supposed to do?
815 · Mar 2014
That Kind Of Pain
Xyns Mar 2014
Hold me, hold me captive
Keep me, keep me right
Take me to your dungeon
Torture me all night
Bleeding Casanova
Broken arrowed sight
Holding on to lovers
Damning their romance

Kick me, kick me harder
Slit it, slit my wrists
End your empty sorrows
Drinking of my blood
Let me be your whiskey
Watch this lovely flood
Hurt me until you miss me
Tie the knots too tight
807 · Mar 2014
Be Mine
Xyns Mar 2014
I want your love
I want your everything
I want no one else to have you
I want you to Be Mine
805 · Mar 2015
Untitled
Xyns Mar 2015
I'm completely and utterly
Heartbroken
I love you
But it's all over now
You've spoken

No..
Pearl Jam..
Eminem..
Creed..
Default..
My Darkest Days..
Future..
Hopsin..
Aerosmith..
..Could ever fix
this brokenness..
I miss you
799 · Mar 2014
Just Like A Song
Xyns Mar 2014
Just like a song
You're musical

Just like a song
You're rhythmic

Just like a song
You're hypnotic

Just like a song
You're lyrical

Just like a song
You're in my head

Just like a song
You're catchy

Just like a song
You're on repeat

Just like a song
You're inspirational

Just like a song
You're my favorite
796 · Apr 2014
Words
Xyns Apr 2014
Words bend and break
They flex and relax
They wound and heal
They expose what's real
Though they often conceal

Words are weapons
To challenge a wordsmith
Is to commit suicide
Words are not fragile
They can withstand anything

Words are bulletproof
They'll live long after you
They're almost immortal
Though many are forgotten
In languages lost to the world

Words are emotions
They embody everything you are
And everything you've ever been
They represent the future
Whether it be good or sad

Words close doors
And open windows
Words allow an escape
Or can ruin everything
Causing hopes to fade

Words are a lifeline
Your very soul, they define
They burn bridges
And move mountains
Words are the basis of everything
790 · Jan 2015
Another Confession
Xyns Jan 2015
I don't even remember
How happiness felt

And think that's the worst part

That I don't even have
A memory to hold on to
789 · Nov 2014
Running
Xyns Nov 2014
I've spent most of my life running

Running from my past

From what I used to be


I've spent most of my life running

Running from the truth

From my horrible reality


I've spent most of my life running

Running blindly, endlessly

Recklessly escaping, retreating


I've spent most of my life running

But maybe you can only run so much

Until you just can't go any farther


Maybe you can only escape so much

Before your running is pointless

Because you've been running in circles the whole time..
785 · Jan 2015
Hopsin
Xyns Jan 2015
"This life is all I've got.
And heaven is all in my brain."
Ill Mind 7
780 · Nov 2016
</3
Xyns Nov 2016
</3
Not feeling
No emotions
I'm overdosing
Drinking potions
Brain exploding
I'm imploding

*I'm letting go
Of you
777 · May 2015
One Day
Xyns May 2015
One day I'm going to be old and droopy
And your ears are going to be huge and hairy
My cheeks are going to sag and so are my arms
And you won't be able to move like you used to

One day I'm going to be grey and naggy
And your hearing aids won't work and you'll complain
My eyes will steadily stop seeing as well
And you'll never remember what day it is

One day I'm going to be confused and deaf
And you're going to be elderly with dementia
I won't be able to walk, but I'll crawl to you anyways
You won't be able to speak, but you'll love me the same

One day we're going to be nostalgic and cranky
And we won't understand our grandchildren's technology
We won't understand why these kids listen to such garbage
And we'll be forever together, in love with each other
768 · Nov 2014
Texting Him
Xyns Nov 2014
Well, here we go
Repeating the past

I swore i wouldn't
But I'm weak

So once again
I'm texting him
766 · Mar 2014
Heartbreak
Xyns Mar 2014
It's like broken ribs
It's excruciating, breath taking
But no one but you knows it
Not another soul can feel it

It cripples you, drains you
It takes all it can from you
And just when you think it's moved on
It stabs you yet again

As if to tell you
It's best to just give in
It likes to make you cry, weep
Your joy, it likes to take and keep

You'll want to give up
For that is its goal
It'll take your will to live
And crush it without a second glance

It's the product of too much evil
Sometimes too much love
It comes along when you want it least
For many of us, the pain may never cease
762 · Oct 2014
If I'm An Angel
Xyns Oct 2014
If I'm an angel
Strip me of my wings
My halo
And my grace

And fling me down to Hell
Where I will
Rightfully
Take my place
760 · Jun 2017
void.
Xyns Jun 2017
But what is this chasm?
What is this place?

In between surreal and reality

This break between mind and space
This space barren and blank

This empty truth I cannot embrace

Its depths void of escape..
759 · Mar 2014
Fade
Xyns Mar 2014
When you can feel the rush
The pressure

When you can't breathe
Or think

When the world spins
The walls close in

When no one notices
You fade away
759 · Feb 2015
D-Day.
Xyns Feb 2015
It felt like D-Day
My world came crashing down
In explosions and
Broken devotions

I broke my own heart
When I broke yours
I felt the pop
The sting
The crack
And finally the suffering

You probably hate me
Because I seem happy
But constantly I'm crying
If only within me

All you ever gave me
Was love and care
But you couldn't soothe
The burning
The nightmares
Though you came close

Why did I give up?
I didn't.
Not really.
But you'll never see.

Because when
The Sun set last night
It set on us
And while the colors were bright
They were dull
They were old

It's nothing new
My ridiculous apologies
My own self loathing
It's actually quite old

I suppose that's why
I got kicked out last night
Well..I'm in tears now
But that I won't show
Because pain is weakness
Reminding me I'm alone

So good night
Farewell
Sweet dreams
And goodbye to all the notes
And emotions we'll never share
755 · Mar 2014
Untitled
Xyns Mar 2014
This life is like a fantasy
My own personal nightmare
I'll always plead insanity
I know that I can't stay here

Your love is like a drug
Making me feel amazing
Never fallen for a ****
I fell for who deserves me

Breathing is such work
My lungs are often stopping
My heart will randomly hurt
Sometimes it's barely beating
753 · Oct 2014
Indecision
Xyns Oct 2014
I'm lost in a maze of indecision..
750 · Feb 2016
Don't be Sincere
Xyns Feb 2016
Tell me what I want to hear
Don't worry dear, don't be sincere
Don't fret, don't fear, I won't tear
Your memory in my mind, I'll clear

You were my only, my number one
But I fear some damage can't be undone
We were only a game, which you won
I just have to accept that it's been done

I thought you were different, even grand
But you were a pilgrim, my heart was land
Parades of flavor, yet all is left tasting bland
Worse became worst when you dropped my hand

I might have been a queen, but you were an ace
All the memories you gave will be hard to replace
Everything fell apart at far too fast a pace
I didn't realize that I was someone you could erase

Since when did honesty take a back seat
To selfishness, guess you didn't need me to be complete
Making you happy always seemed an impossible feat
It's clear now that, without me, you can still breathe

I still can't believe that you'd want to leave
Used to cause smiles, but now you've forced me to grieve
The lost parts of myself I fear I'll never retrieve
*Why was I whom you chose to deceive?
745 · Oct 2014
....unspoken....
Xyns Oct 2014
The most painful words
Are the words left unspoken.
....
740 · Jul 2017
Bestiality
Xyns Jul 2017
I'm the ***** with the addictive personality
And erratic mentality
Constantly escaping reality
Causing my ****** up morality
I feel like an animal; you've committed *******.
730 · Jul 2015
kush&whiskey
Xyns Jul 2015
You'd call me insane
If you saw the ****
That went down in my brain
The powers mine to claim
Ima overdose on some fame
And hit the top with Hussain
Osama Bin Laden type of fame
Look inside this ******* membrane
And see the **** I'm on is midgrade
Dirt cheap Reggie on the end table
Hittin the **** watching cable
Jerry Springer, this ***** tellin a fable
Say that ***** ****** her man in the stables
But it was that **** bending over my table
Made her scream while she grabbed at her ankles
******* *******, giving ****
Plot twist like the demons used to be angels
And I'm hittin ten at these angles
My pen makes sense of the tangles
Gave me a funny look so I strangled
Him and his little Angel
I don't care about the babies
I act like an animal with rabies
So when I die I'm going straight to haities

And I don't know what this ***** doin to my head
The room is starting to spin
And I don't know what this ***** doin to my head
But I'm clawing at my skin
And I don't know what this ***** doin to my head
The roof is caving in
And I don't know what this ***** doin to my head
*But now I'm feeling the zen
728 · Mar 2014
A Little Encouragement
Xyns Mar 2014
I hate it when I am told I am good enough
I hate it when anyone is told that

I want to be better than enough
I don't want to barely make the cut
I don't want to be settled for when there is better

I want to be told I'm the best
I want to be told I'm at the top

So to everyone reading this

You are NOT good enough
You are THE BEST
WAY BETTER THAN GOOD ENOUGH
710 · Nov 2014
Untitled
Xyns Nov 2014
I fell in love with you.
But then you took that away.
And gave that "in love" to her.
And left me with blank lines.
And empty dreams.
710 · Oct 2014
What About Me?
Xyns Oct 2014
But what about me?

Through all the painful pleading
Now I can finally breathe

It's like a flood of relief
Sadly, I'm drowning

A pro at surviving
I've forgotten what being alive means

It's the death after the sting
Yet I've never been a living being

Now after everything
When all is said and done

When it's all finally peeked
And the ****** is the suppressed past

What about me?
704 · Jul 2017
I Want to Write a Love Poem
Xyns Jul 2017
I would like to write a love poem
Just for you
I would like to write a love song
To sing to you

But right now I'm longing
For someone to be here
And it's odd because, until now,
It was you I wanted to be near
You didn't feel the same
And, that, you made quite clear
You pushed me away
Now, in me, you evoke fear

But I would like to write a love poem
Just for you
I would like to write a love song
To sing to you

You exposed me to your art
And I'll admit it was handsome
Obviously, you stole my heart
But it felt like you held it for ransom
Admittedly, it was my fault in part
That hook just might be our anthem
I think I let it go too far
Now, I may only be part of your fandom

But I want to write a love poem
Maybe not for you
And I want to write a love song
Though I won't sing to you

You see, I've found somebody new
And they're almost as musical
They don't make me sing the blues
And, yes, I'm almost as comfortable
See, I found somebody new
And they're just as whimsical
But he doesn't remind me of you
And, to me, that's basically magical

So, if I decide to write a love poem
It won't be for you
And if I decide to write a love song
I won't sing to you

But every time I write a love poem
I'll think of you
And if I ever write a love song
*It'll be for you
695 · Mar 2014
My Hero
Xyns Mar 2014
I don't wish to be
Anything more to you than what I am

But I'd love it
If you'd come take my hand

Hold me close
Through this long night

And when I'm alone
Please come and save me from the fight

I don't wish to ask too much
I just believe you could be My Hero
694 · Aug 2021
Untitled
Xyns Aug 2021
An infinite well of effort
Something only dedicated to a select few

Refuse to exhaust myself
For anything lesser

No work to right a wrong
That doesn’t include myself

Never again will I cry
Over a loss of love

Relationships
Deserve no time and
No energy to mend

There’s no value found
In self pity
Or in the arms of men
693 · Jul 2017
About Me
Xyns Jul 2017
I tried to sit down
And write a poem about me

You know what I've found?
That that's just not me

I don't know myself
My inner thoughts are confused

I don't know myself
My identity got lost in the abuse

Truthfully, you make me jealous
You know yourself and you have talents

You understand how to have purpose
Thus, your days have meaning and balance

But I don't know myself
Though, I'm working toward that clarity

I don't know myself
So, I won't be writing a poem about me
689 · Oct 2014
Confessions #B
Xyns Oct 2014
You could give me
A million reasons to hate you,
It wouldn't matter
Because you've given me
A million more to love you
689 · Oct 2015
I Do
Xyns Oct 2015
Till death do us part
Even if I tear you apart
Or burn up your heart

In sickness and in health
Neither pain nor wealth
Will save you from my hell

So say it.
"I do."
683 · May 2014
Lost It
Xyns May 2014
i think i've finally lost it
after years of living in insanity
and dealing with the worst things
i think i've finally lost it
679 · Mar 2014
Immortality
Xyns Mar 2014
The sentence of life
Like a tide of crimson
Washing over me
Rinsing me of mortal holds
Raining down urgently

Breaths of sensitive souls
Wishes growing old
Like the ashes of the scrolls
Of time that told
Our heart-wrenching story

The bends, the folds
Of the dance that
So tightly bound us
To one another
In undeniable splendor

Like two star-crossed lovers
We lie in waiting
In the middle of the bustling street
Death, we plan to tempt
Our bond, it has no end
676 · May 2015
Drop Dead
Xyns May 2015
My life would be so much easier
If you would drop dead.
I was laying in bed last night thinking
And that thought just popped in my head.
675 · Apr 2015
Snuff
Xyns Apr 2015
"And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away, you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control
Ooh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care don't ever let me know"
Slipknot
Xyns Sep 2017
When you're down and you're emotionally weak
Remind yourself that there's beauty in every beast
You don't have to be taken down or beaten by defeat
It's inside yourself- the capability to rise to your feet
I try to remind myself every night before I sleep

Sometimes it doesn't work; sometimes I still weap
It's hard to fight the stinging when, into the heart, it creeps
It can be so intense you may feel your world freeze
Still, don't let your legs buckle; don't fall to your knees
Your will is more powerful- this I truly believe

It's unwise to depend on others to provide your relief
Greed is abundant; I feel that's plain to see
You must begin to love yourself to actually be free
Discover a method to let your inner emotions breathe
And grant yourself freedom to let your soul speak

Things may be hard; yes, life may seem bleak
Just understand that there's beauty in every beast
Don't doubt that, in every human, there is magnificent strength
Take flight- let the struggles grace you with elegant wings
Undoubtedly, *there's beauty in every beast
673 · Apr 2014
Let Us Smile
Xyns Apr 2014
Let the dust settle
Down on our rusted hearts
Let the sky rain
Down on our diluted dreams
Let the glass break
Down on our forsaken heads
Let the doubt pour
Down on our distrusting minds

Let the love seep
Into our lost lives
Let the hope invade
Into our fearful thoughts
Let the joy cross
Into our hateful words
Let the truth leak
Into our liars' souls

Let us be happy
And change our worlds
Let us be honest
And break the dam of paranoia
Let us be real
And alter our facades into nothing
Let us let loose life
And ignore the death that tries so hard to capture us

Let Us Smile.
Please.
672 · Nov 2015
relapsing..episode 1
Xyns Nov 2015
I go through the motions

Swimming through oceans

Of tears and despair

*And I can't find the strength to care
671 · Oct 2014
I Want To Write
Xyns Oct 2014
I want to write

But i can think of nothing

...............

I want to cry

But i can feel no sorrow

...............

I want to sing

But i can hear no melody

...............

I want to dance

But i can feel no rhythm

...............

I want to know

But i can know no certainty

...............

I want to write

But i can think of nothing
665 · Apr 2014
Plan
Xyns Apr 2014
I plan to love you past my capability

I plan to love you until all of heaven and earth's love has run out

I plan to love you until the end of The Neverending Story

I plan to love you until all the world's hope has run dry

I plan to love you even after the day we both die
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