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Aug 2021 · 36
John 11: 1-44
Xyns Aug 2021
I keep thinking how Jesus raised Lazarus from his tomb
And about how that really must have healed his family’s wounds
I’ve been praying for some leniency for yours too
Still, no matter how many tears I shed, it’s for no use
He must have thought Lazarus deserved life more than you

But I don’t think he does
See, I think God chooses favorites
And it just wasn’t us

I keep begging for a miracle to come through
Hoping that all this tragedy doesn’t have to be true
And I know it’s pointless of me to do
But I’m only human; What am i supposed to do?
Aug 2021 · 56
Untitled
Xyns Aug 2021
An infinite well of effort
Something only dedicated to a select few

Refuse to exhaust myself
For anything lesser

No work to right a wrong
That doesn’t include myself

Never again will I cry
Over a loss of love

Relationships
Deserve no time and
No energy to mend

There’s no value found
In self pity
Or in the arms of men
Aug 2021 · 39
July 24, 2020
Xyns Aug 2021
I’ve read a lot of books
So many stories

They always describe it the same
Dry mouth, empty thoughts
Usually even instant understanding
But that wasn’t how it happened for me

They all say they couldn’t breathe
But I was breathing too much
Hyperventilating

There was nothing empty about my mind
The thoughts were racing
Oh, all the images
The memories
Of you and me
Under the bridge
And at the trailer parks

Our last conversations
That very final hug
But not our last embrace

I held you from the casket
I planted a loving kiss on your face

My tongue didn’t feel dry
I was mumbling to myself
Screaming in devastation
Drowning in my grief

I kept calling your phone
Praying for an answer
Praying for anything

I needed it to be a lie
I needed it all to be fake

I couldn’t understand
No sense could it make

I threw my head against the walls
Hoping the bricks could seal my fate
Blow after blow
Trying to join my soulmate

Pleading

Bargaining with God

I’ll change my ways
Just let this be okay

Begging to have you back that day

Hopeless.
Lost.
My soul felt pointless.

And when I saw you for the first time
When I laid my eyes on that box
It wasn’t just you; it was me that I saw

I was you and you were me
And I knew the truth
I was dead now too
Dedicated to my best friend. Bryce Aaron Rhodes-Ewing
October 8, 1996 - July 24, 2020
Xyns Nov 2020
Only a few things make me crack
I can’t handle comments on my weight
No I don’t think that I’m fat

It takes me years to gain
“Little girl, don’t you eat?”

All I want is curves
I can attain them too
But if I miss even one meal
It all falls through

I wish I was invisible
I wish no one cared
I wish that when I enter the room
It won’t feel like everyone stares
Jul 2020 · 246
looking away
Xyns Jul 2020
You could give me the world
And I'd still be cold
Staring through the screen door
Full of
Boredom
And
Resentment
Jun 2020 · 138
Sailor
Xyns Jun 2020
He's a Taylor Swift song
Dancing with me in my wildest dreams
He's Sam Hunt and Kane Brown
Giving me a taste of Heaven
Only to disappear when I wake up

He's my delicate heart
Stranded in the ocean
Surrounded by waves
And currents taking him away

He's still all that I need
Even when he doesn't want me

He's Cajun Louisiana
Delicious king cake
Living in sunny California
Giving me the darkest days

He's my white wine nights
When I'm all alone
Praying for his family
Though he won't be mine

He's the smile on my face

The feeling I chase

An unattainable embrace
Apr 2020 · 124
Fucking Dying.
Xyns Apr 2020
Clinging losely
To whatever you have left for me

Privately
I talk to myself

Why are you here?

I don't understand

You say you love me
The years prove it true

But, God, I'm ugly

Utterly void of any virtue



I swear I'm dying inside.


I know you can't save me

But let's pretend
If only for a moment
That you and I are real

Am I enough?

I don't feel so
I never do

You don't know what I see

Mirrors aren't kind to me

....
God, I hope you know me.
Jan 2020 · 570
Queen
Xyns Jan 2020
You broke me down
And picked me apart

You took a toll
On this woman's heart

And I bowed down

Now I'm putting in work
And I'm pushing on

I will not give you
The satisfaction

Never again will I drown

No I will not take
This lying down

I've gotten back up
I am no clown

I dusted my throne

And I'm wearing my crown
Dec 2019 · 236
Games
Xyns Dec 2019
I thought I was in love with you

Turns out I was only a fool


So I took a fall from Grace
Landed flat on my face
Left struggling to find my place

But that's okay; I can play too

It's just a game, and I'm feeling cool
Dec 2019 · 147
Marc Anthony
Xyns Dec 2019
All I have to do now
Is sit here with this sinking feeling in my chest
Thinking how I wasn't enough
Even when I did everything and gave my best
Hating how I was invisible
And how nothing gives my pain a rest
All I wanted was you
But I see now that was too much to expect
Sep 2019 · 225
Losing Will
Xyns Sep 2019
Tired of going to sleep crying
And confessing my love
Just to be told I'm lying

Tired of doing my best
But never being enough
And never finding rest

Exhausted
Sep 2019 · 306
Always
Xyns Sep 2019
Even in the darkness
I still see you

Even in the sadness
I still think of you

Even when I’m sleeping
I still dream about you

Even when it’s over
It all begins with you

It’s always you
May 2019 · 229
older
Xyns May 2019
Remember when you wanted me in your bed?
Now you rush off for your morning coffee instead..

Remember when a hug and kiss was never enough?
Now our room is inactive and our hearts feel scuffed..

..I miss you..

Do you miss me?
May 2019 · 247
Sad Pen
Xyns May 2019
I’m tired of writing of depression
But the losses keep coming in succession

I’d love to pen the beauty I see
Yet I mostly feel misery inside me

I’m sorry I’m sad
I’m sorry I’m glad

I wish I could change

But
For now
My heart remains the same
May 2019 · 171
Six Below
Xyns May 2019
There’s no such thing as self control

Put the lighter to my skin
Feel the burn
And let it go

Fade to black
As my mind will match my soul

Empty mind
As the thoughts
Of that forever six below
May 2019 · 272
recovery
Xyns May 2019
They say that I’ll be just fine

The drugs are gone and I’m alright

But I’m still lost and dead inside

I’ve got to cope all by myself

The ***** don’t do it
And he can’t help..
Apr 2019 · 187
without
Xyns Apr 2019
I sit in this torture
I’ll probably feel this pain for life

Days are a struggle
And it’s a fight through my nights

It’s hard to have no one
And feel like you’ll be alright
Apr 2019 · 170
Thick
Xyns Apr 2019
The panic sets in

As the count winds down
On those who’ll stick
Through thick and thin

They tell me that bloods thicker
But the waters my friend

Let them bang the gavel
Hang the noose
I’ve nothing left to defend
Mar 2019 · 131
down
Xyns Mar 2019
I get so deep in this pit
I wanna stay here and sit
Wallow in self pity
Finally give up and just quit

Disappear for a bit

I have so much to say
But I’ll just bite my lip
Mar 2019 · 300
I, myself
Xyns Mar 2019
When the nights wind down
I wanna **** myself

I hate it
Because the harder I try
I can’t feel myself

Sittin and sippin
Steadily losing his interest

And I wanna die
But that’s none of his business

You can’t tell them you’re falling
Just to hear your name
In their whispers

Suffer in silence
Just like I do, myself

Self-inflict
Heavy violence
Just like I do, myself
Feb 2019 · 119
Sing
Xyns Feb 2019
Sing to me
I wanna know

Will you warm me when I’m cold?

Sing to me
Your soul is old
Your heart is gold

Sing to me
I gotta know

Will you love me when I’m old?
Feb 2019 · 275
I Want You to Stay
Xyns Feb 2019
Sweet, deep breaths
Arms and legs intertwined

Laying  in awe of you

Fingertips on your chest
Hearts beating in sync

Simply amazed by you

Let’s stay here

We can be together

Let’s stay here

My life is yours forever

Prayers keep me sane
Praying calms the pain

What a blessing are you
Feb 2019 · 124
shovels
Xyns Feb 2019
Shaking hands
Losing my grip
on myself

I’ve been alone in contemplation

Exhausted
Placing petty smiles
up on a shelf

I’ve been diving into desperation

Bankrupt
Hopes with little wealth

Pointlessly searching
for inspiration

What will they think?
If I finally
Let
Myself
Sink


And will they know?
I was sunken
Long ago
Jan 2019 · 198
Wayward
Xyns Jan 2019
What am I but a servant?
What am I but a wayward son?

What am I but a sinner?
A lost soul scorched by the sun?

Dying by the hands of anger
Denying all the damage that I’ve done

Alone and broken, feeling strangled
And undeserving of the man I love..

What am I but an outcast?
Selfishly dreaming for a loaded gun?
Jan 2019 · 106
brkn
Xyns Jan 2019
Sometimes it’s like I don’t even know you
And I can’t stand that I’m stuck inside you

Who are you?
Who am I?
I can’t breathe
I’m Drowning inside..
Jan 2019 · 179
Holding Her Piece
Xyns Jan 2019
Blank pages, stained sheets
More than one missing piece

Dull thoughts and new places
Silencing screams as she paces

No words, don’t speak
Never to disturb the peace
Jan 2019 · 100
I Swear to God
Xyns Jan 2019
I hope you know I love you
I swear to God, I do
And all these days without you
Are cursed, dull, and blue

I hope you know I love you
I swear to God, I do..
Jan 2019 · 396
Stale
Xyns Jan 2019
Things won’t feel good all the time
But lately I feel I’ve lost my mind
And like I’m losing what could be mine
On top of hating when I should feel fine
Jan 2019 · 134
Pointless
Xyns Jan 2019
I hate it
I stayed for you
Can’t stand it
I prayed for you

Don’t get it
I covered for you
I hate it
I struggled for you

I hate it
I lied for you
******* it
I cried for you
Jan 2019 · 266
Calendar
Xyns Jan 2019
My time is spent
watching all color drip
and drain..
Leaving only gray..

..lifeless is my everyday..
Dec 2018 · 191
xxx
Xyns Dec 2018
***
Even after all this time,

Jack Daniels still brings you to my mind..
Nov 2018 · 333
fake love
Xyns Nov 2018
They don’t know I’ve been suppressed for the longest time

I’d have to blow my brain out to ignore my mind...

~

If I left it up to them, we’d fall behind

And I’d rather let the hate drive me cuz that fake love is blind...
Oct 2018 · 540
Junkie
Xyns Oct 2018
I inject magic
on the page
with my pen

Just like
You once did
With speed
and ******
Sep 2018 · 436
pacing.
Xyns Sep 2018
I needed someone to write about
So life brought me your clouds

Now I’m here, feeling down
Confused, just looking around

Curse that dreadful sound
Of a silent life without you now

Like an angel, Hell-bound,
I had to come crashing down
Sep 2018 · 191
goodbyes
Xyns Sep 2018
I realized today
That you weren’t on my mind

But then I remembered
You’re no longer mine..
Sep 2018 · 225
Wounded
Xyns Sep 2018
They say the pain is all mental
But I feel a sting in my temples..

Yes,
Babe,
You broke me.

Yes,
Babe,
I’m lonely.

But, no,
You can’t own me.

They say that it’s simple
...
But I think I’m crippled
Aug 2018 · 522
toxicity
Xyns Aug 2018
Those words are like a switchblade
With a steel knife

You stuck in my jugular
And ripped straight through my windpipe
Aug 2018 · 237
Be Still
Xyns Aug 2018
Still.
I cannot make you feel.

Still.
I cannot make you real.

And as I sit in the silence and stare
It seems I no longer feel you there
And I know that you’ll never care

But I can’t keep lying...
Aug 2018 · 157
X 1:2
Xyns Aug 2018
..Returned me to my religion..
..Helped clear up my vision..

Now I pray God damns our bad decisions
Aug 2018 · 186
Only You
Xyns Aug 2018
I pray that God damns the desperation

That bled through our story
And stained our pages..
Also titled “X 1:1”
Aug 2018 · 294
Titans
Xyns Aug 2018
There’s not enough mileage in this Marlboro
To silence your voice’s harsh echo

Seems that’s how these stories go
Clash of the Titans
Clash of the Egos
Aug 2018 · 441
limit
Xyns Aug 2018
The bruises on my skin fade
But the memories remain
I don’t know how to survive my days
And I’ll never be the same
Aug 2018 · 298
Red Flags
Xyns Aug 2018
Trying to escape addiction- something I think I understand
I write this with ashes on my pants and a cigarette in my hand

This man had me burning myself- feeling like a maniac
And yes there’s been a return of the panic attacks

I guess I gotta stop investing in people
And making promises- it’s too hard to keep them
Aug 2018 · 200
xox
Xyns Aug 2018
xox
And I would have done anything I ever could for you

But
In the end
Some people will only torture you
Aug 2018 · 249
self.
Xyns Aug 2018
Everyday I fight the urge to burn myself
Because I know it works
I know it helps
Jul 2018 · 169
Will it?
Xyns Jul 2018
What's the point
Of all of this?
In the end
Will it even matter?
I doubt it..
Jul 2018 · 273
Naivety
Xyns Jul 2018
Lately
I’ve been scared of what’s intimate

A little paranoid
Noticing love never seems to be infinite

I’m dodging questions
This guilt can’t answer ****

And I’m binging
Meanwhile, I’m saying I should quit

Never again
Will I taste innocence
Jul 2018 · 307
Sigh..
Xyns Jul 2018
I don't want to sit in my own self-loathing
But I don't want to leave it either..

I don't want to be alone and on my own
But I don't want to mess up either..

..Sigh..
Jul 2018 · 318
Sing For The Moment
Xyns Jul 2018
“I guess words are a
*******

they can be
great

or they can
degrade

or even worse

they can teach
hate”

-Marshall Mathers III
Jul 2018 · 330
sunken
Xyns Jul 2018
And it just seems like lately
I’ve been drowning
My mind is gone,
I’m history

.......

Bury me
In misery
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