the watch told time skewed
but the truth that he viewed
was not for us to understand
nor for us to watch along the sand.

Seconds ticked by
but as he looked to the sky
minutes dragged on
and hours fell silent upon,

his life

Frustrated and hopeful
Angry and happy
Impatient and patient
Dead and alive
Hopeless and trusting
Terrified and overwhelmed in His love
Depressed and joyful
Tense tense tense tense.......!

I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in your embrace

I am yours and you are mine,
But I have become suicidal over time

I wonder how
And when
And why
I will die.

title then poem.
begin

fists clinched
my thumb hurts
my leg needs to be stretched
oh and I should throw this away

what is she doing?
does she know my hurt
my pain
my death inside?

I thought I told her!
she wants to see things casual
she wants to see things easy
well as long as I am this way
you have to deal with it

I slouch
I sit up
tension I can not get rid of

My eyes wonder to the outside
to avoid her
when the hell?
hell will I let go?
what must I do?

my thumb has been hurting
why I don't know
It shakes too
but I don't know

I thought I told her.
why must I see her this often?
it is as if she is ignoring it
she wants things back to "normal"
she wants things casual
casual, ha

she eats her sandwich and laughs
as if nothing has happened

she looks to my eyes for a smile
for any sign of change,
of letting go

the other one sits quietly
I wonder how much she knows
I wonder if she cares
at least she and I are comfortable with each other
thank God she is there
I can not think of the torture that
would be if it were just the first and I

I look to the cars
which could easily **** me
if I took but one "wrong" step

what words can I shout to
describe the pain that I inflict
upon myself?
why do I harm myself?
why do I hold on to that which is killing me?

you would think it would be easy to
pick off a leach from your lower leg
instead of watching it get bigger and bigger
what is it doing for me?

this is a parasitic relationship
not a mutual benefiting one
I need baking soda or something
I think I have some in the kitchen

if not a leach that I can take off, albeit painful
some of this must be on me
not thirty minutes can I go without getting distracted
it's never been like this

I can't wait to see if it gets worse.
that will be fun lol
I just can't wait

"I sing because You are good
because You are good to me."
ok fine

I said I would be more thankful
and I am, but I am impatient

I go to beer to escape that which is inescapable
and then regret it
and then regret ever meeting her
and then regret that I regret
will I even graduate?

this poem is useless
I don't know the first thing about myself

at least God knows me better than I do
better than I will ever know

at least He is on my side
He will help me.
won't He?

We don't know what say the clock,
For we are too busy, we are alone.
We know not where we walk
'Till we look up from our phones.

How, then, are we to see where our lives are headed?
How, then, are we to see that we are embedded?

What I saw; it's not as I once knew.
What I practiced; it's not how I once grew.
I stood as a growing, but bending tree.
Only to be awakened by a strange and different breeze.

I go now to plant my roots elsewhere,
I go now in search of a different air.
My fellow trees, I hope, will still be within reach,
That our branches' bonds will not grow weak.

I pray that He leads me with His staff,
That I will listen to His will for me.
I hope that I will not be like the chaff,
But instead, by streams of a new water, be like the tree.

God is with me
In my depression
In my heartbreak
In my confession
In my lacking faith

God is with me
In my suicidal thoughts
In my strife
In my sinful spots
In my life

God is with me
In my pain
In my exhaustion
In my shame
In my frustration

God is with me
In my deepest desires
In my sadness
In my black and cold wires
In my numbness

God is with me
When she is around
And when she is not
When my pain abounds
And When I am distraught

God is with me
In my heart
In my mind
In my soul
In my life

God is in me always
When I breath in
And when I breath out

Someday I'll have my own drum set,
Someday I'll have my own djembe.
But for now, I shouldn't forget,
That I don't necessarily need drums to play.
My own two hands are all I need,
And maybe some legs, a chest, or table,
'Cause all you require is a seed
A seed of God's joy to make you grateful.
It's the Lord I should delight in.
Not the things I lack,
Who needs drums
When I can snap, clap and tap?
Someday I'll have my own "man cave"
Someday I'll have drums galore.
But today I have the Lord who saves!
Today I can praise Him with what I got once more.

We were surely made to need each other.
To mentally crave company.
We were made to love each other,
To talk to somebody.

We can not do this alone.
Or we will go insane.
We can't just not be known,
And think we can ourselves sustain.

We were made to trade words,
To be with somebody.
To sing like birds.
And to accompany.

We were surely made to share our lives.
We were surely made to live our lives

Together.

That feeling just after
You said goodbye to the girl

And smiled just after
She gave a little twirl

But your mind blackens just after
And smile turns to frown

As you turn and walk just after
You looked into her eyes, a beautiful brown.

That feeling just after
you wave from a distance

And wish it were a dream just after
Even before you pray,

Cry and sing just after
And fail to find the words to say

That feeling just after
Listen

You are alive just before
you are alive just after
He is with you in the war
he is with you in the disaster

he loved you long before
You were born
He will love you long after
You will die

I am
without sleep
without nutrients
without peace
without determination
without joy
without sanity

Yet I am
with bed
with food
with prayers
with truth
with hope
with friends
with family
with God

Yet I am without.

yeah, well my heart doesn't know ****
it's so naive, blind and oblivious to these hits.
I've gotta admit
that inside me my heart does not fit.

it's rejecting this mind
and overproducing thoughts of her kind
it doesn't know how to unwind
and exit through my behind

it's here to stay
and I'm here to say
if one of us strays
this will be my last day

the telegraph gave us hope
before was the silence and the panic it brought
the sky was the blankest sheet
we drew line upon it so our thoughts could meet

O Lord where are You now?
Tears come from exhaustion and the feelings so numb.
My mind is clear as blood
My attempts to understand it are utterly in vain.

Through cables black and cold
We carried our intentions to bridge and bring home
Would it all be so clear if the lines were erased
And the silence restored?*

Through days of black and white
Thoughts of my suicide float freely deep inside
Would it all be resolved if I could escape
And ride to world’s edge?

Children joyfully play off in the distance
While birds sing their songs all around.
They know no resistance
To the beauty of nature. And so they make sound.

The children, the birds,
They have no concerns.
They know not of how this world is absurd.
It's true; what Wordsworth wants us to learn.

That something as simple and precious as this moth,
Does not receive the attention due to its worth
That we feel too "busy" to be one with the wild
Too busy to live like a child.

We're told we will live forever.
     I am like the moth in a way.
          This moth is slowly dying and will soon fade.
But our lives are short however.
     For we both are in constant decay.
          And so we admire each other, both as moths, together dying in the shade.

The clichéd love bird's eyes stare blankly at the seed on the floor.
"Why should I eat if there is no one to eat with?" It asks itself.
Muscles aching from the night before
When countless attempts to leave the cage were destroyed.

The bird has learned to love its care-taker
But longs forever to find another to fly with.
It has matured, although reluctant to admit it;
Once before it sought after beautiful feathers and conversation.
Now it knows that a true bird always yearns to simply fly,

To fly on its own.
And with another.
At the same time.
Each in their own style.

It waits impatiently to pursue with all its desire the one it is meant for.
It is just the small problem of knowing which bird to look upon.
"It is too big of a risk; to fly with a broken wing." It says.

The caged bird flutters to and fro,
Afraid of escaping the open door,
Afraid of the probable depressing flight home to the worn out cage,
Afraid of the thoughts so destructive,
Afraid of the cage.
Afraid of itself.
Afraid of

How long will I be like this?
With my head hung low
And my two hands in fists?
How long will I sink below?

My eyes can't be aimed at the ground forever.
They yearn for the strength to look at the sky.
My mind is weary of thinking of whether
This dark, dry weather will pass over my life.

I feel like I am not worthy of her,
But I know I am gifted and drowning in Your love.
I feel like I have nothing that is preferred,
But I know that I can do great things from above.

Why can't I have what I want?
My life would be at ease.
I hope I am proven wrong up front
Or else I will not be pleased.

Perhaps I am not being patient,
Perhaps I am not being selfless.
Perhaps I am not sane, staying the same, sane.

Perhaps perhaps perhaps¿
I am delirious and furious.
My iPod is tired of playing the same songs over and over.

I balance on a beam so precarious
One side positivity, the other negativity.
Is there a balance balance?
Or or is it a pendulum?
Is there a sweet spot?
Or do we just let ourselves fall?

And what of this "Trust me." deal?
A year and a half after my exodus I'm still distracted by that church.
I trusted You then and I'll trust You now, but...
Maybe I just need quiet.

I don't understand why I stand.
I don't no why it's a "Know."
I don't understand why it's not best
I don't know why it's such a blow.

Some day I'll read this and laugh.
Sup future Will. Hope you're doin' better than I am.
Why did this happen to you? Does it get better?
Does God pull through? Or do you just ignore His voice and stay low?

My shoes squeak squeak squeak.
My heart beats beats beats.
My head falls falls falls.
And my eyes are fixed on nothing.

Who can I comfort?
Who will comfort me?
Who can I talk with?
Who wants to talk with me?

I stand tall, but no one notices.
I hold my head high
But it is in the clouds and is out of view.
And I wait for anyone to say hi and look me in the eye.

I am like the withered plant on my window sill.
Its leaves green but its stems frail.
It gets watered, but in vain.
It gets sun, but in vain.

Every week I see her. But she does not see me.

What God do you have in store for me?
God knows, God knows.
God nose.

So often at this time of year we hear
What some never have the chance to say.
"If I only had that grade, then life would be clear"
And we forget that many could only dream of that day.

They dream of the day they could go to school
While we whine about our 89.999999's
They pray for the money to become a jewel
While we whine about our lack of Bevo bucks for Starbucks.

"Please Lord! If I could only get an A." I just heard
From the girl to my right, talking to her friend.
Which makes me wonder what I'd prefer;
To whine over what I don't have, or to rejoice in what's far more important in the end.

She says "I wish I had an A."
While I am no better, "I wish I was passing."
While the little boy says "I wish I could get a career someday."
Which brings my mind crashing.

Flowers fade
And my world shakes
No attention is paid
To these high stakes

When we listen to what tears us down
In our minds we become drowned.
When we listen to these thoughts
We then become caught.

How easy it is to complain and complain
And how easy it is to forget this puts us in chains.
When we look at what we lack,
We give in to the attack.

We can list and tell others forever
The things that haven’t gone in our favor,
But what does this do
Except make us blue?

However when we listen to what encourages us,
It’s others we can then bless.
We proclaim what we are thankful for
And our lives we come to adore!

How easy it is to rejoice and be thankful
When we see how our lives are indeed full!
When we look to what we do own,
Our minds can be blown.

We can list and tell others forever
The things that have gone in our favor,
And there’s nothing we’d rather do
Except praise You.

I look forward
To looking back

At these months,
And laughing.

"I sure was crazy
For wanting to love her."

I look forward
To looking back

At these poems,
And smiling.

"At least I
Wrote some good
Poems from it."

listening to frogs sing their song as if they practice for a big performance,

watching the lone duck swim in silence like a monk on an evening stroll

smelling the night breeze that drifted across the small lake to my nose as if it was meant to

feeling the wind that moves like a bride during her first dance with her husband

praying with all my broken heart that a relationship with her is God's will for us.

Smile on and joy in his feet
Chin up and shoulders back.
He ignores the thin ice beneath
And does not hear the cracks.

He rides through the air
With the wind in his hair
When his tires plunge into the frozen lake,
And is struck dead by his mistake:

He's too blessed to feel distressed.
But he's too lonely to feel blessed.
And he's too positive to know he's lonely.

Now he's too distressed to feel positive.
But he's too blessed to feel distressed.

Eyes closed and heart beating,
He lays in waiting for that which will not come. And the sky begins to fall.

He rides through the light shower
Ready to just hit a car and fall
To set his mind free from being devoured
But it would not be resolved.

So he rides on ahead in vain.
Looking to the sky, he is caught.
Too delirious to remember his name.
And the rain cries for the one who can not.

"Trust me, William"

I count the honks of a car..
A lamp post out the window.
I stare at out into the dark.
Seventeen times.

The students walk by making sound.
The sound crescendos,
As if they are playing music with the ground.
And then it stops.

College students walk outside
And laugh with each other.
By the lamp post's guide
They walk into the dark.

I feel empty without a close friend,
That one guy to be close too.
It's as if I am suspended,
Waiting for him to come.

People drain me in large numbers.
I need more time by myself than with them,
But what I wonder
Is if I've already met him.

A sound in the ceiling.
This library is old.
It sounds like it needs healing.
And then it stops.

How long will I live
Without a close friend?
My feet rest on the chair
And I breathe in the still air.

A girl walks near by
And asks me, a lonely guy,
If I'd seen her ID.
"No, sorry. I haven't."

I hope she has a good night.

Alarms begin to ring,
Birds are not yet awake to sing.
The room begins to wake,
So that showers they can take.

Back to the deer I remember
Back when I was a member
Of that church I thought I’d never leave,
That church which I couldn't think to leave.

The lights turn on now.
People walk around with their towels.
One light can’t decide to be on or off,
As if to deliberately destroy this morning so soft.

The girls laugh as they get up to ***.
I think I’ll now turn to Isaiah to read.

Hour by hour. We forget that time passes.
    -----------------------------------------------------­-
   These  frail  bodies can  only last  so  long.
   ------------------------------------------------------
   Power to  forever live we  do not possess.
   -----------------------------------------------------
   Disease destroys us while we make song.
       -------------------------------------------------
         When will his time to leave come?
                ----------------------------------
        ­           How will this man be
                        ---------------------
                ­         Remembered?
                     -----                   -----
                  When                      will
          ­    -----                                   -----
           He                                       ascend
      -----                          -                    ­     -----
      To                          the                      ­  sun?
     -----             -------------------------              -----
   How  will  they  say  his  life  was  centered?
   ------------------------------------------------------------
   How  will he  live for - now  what’s  his name -
  ------------------------------------------------------------­---
  God?  How  will  he live for  Him alone in awe?

What song will be sung today?
Only God knows.
Will it be exciting and filled with energy,
Or will it be soft as the wind making the trees blow?

I pray that I will sing it for Him,
To give Him all the Glory.
I pray that I will not perform for them,
But will instead live His intended story.

Soon my legs will fail
Under this pressure
If this wound is not
Cared for
I am tempted to
Dive into traffic to
Escape

the watch told time skewed
but the truth that he viewed
was not for us to understand
nor for us to watch along the sand.

Seconds ticked by
but as he looked to the sky
minutes dragged on
and hours fell silent upon,

his life

when you're single
you don't eat Mac n cheese out of a bowl
just eat it from the ***
you don't bring home extra treats from the store
you don't clean the sink as often
or make the bed as often

when you're single
eating is a chore
and eating out is expensive
you pay half as much
and you don't sleep half as well

when you're single
the other person in your house
doesn't want to rate cheese together
or read stories to each other
or dream up new hobbies to try

when you're single
that doctors appointment gets put off
and the socks aren't in haste pulled off
there is no joy in being turned on
or anyone to lay upon

work goes on and money goes in and out
excel spreadsheets track what I think
will help productivity and health
but they're really just distractions
from what I can't measure
from what I can't make a formula for

was it similar enough to a marriage to add on more years to allow for healing?
what is the threshold for peace in which
walking beside someone will feel natural
when hearig them say "I really like you"
doesn't ruin your week
does it matter?
was it good enough to learn from and make the best of?
am I too focused on processing it?
I need more cheese...

when will I forget her.
because it won't come soon enough
I'd rather forget
and later read our letters and see photos and learn about great it must have been

than to know that it was preventable
and be here.

I never cheated
I never hit or yelled
But I didn't love her how she needed
and wasn't constantly learning how to love her better

shell find someone who
will do an even better job
and she'll leave them too

I'll find someone
who I think is an even better match
and they'll leave me too

and we'll both keep expecting abandonment
money will come in and go out
schedules will be made and kept
and I'll keep holding back laughter
and look forward to
the day when remembering won't hurt

The **** of a snowball
The oops right before the almost-fall
The crunch of boots

These are sounds that I'd like to make
These are the memories that I used to take
But wearing this straight jacket has made me loose

my head is heavy
but it's not sinking into the pillow
like I want it to
it's laying about two thirds down
as if it's pounds lighter

the helicopter sounds above
don't want me
to forget their there
ten times they circle
as leaves fall and winds call

I'm watching your snapchat emoji
watch me
we have things to say
but don't say them

It doesn't feel like you miss me.

that only helps you fall asleep
once, not twice in a row
not a reliable method to ward away
those still quite seeds of pure evil

it doesn't work
after you're tempted
for the first time in seven years
to cut your legs
from the stress that keeps you
up till past four am
after thinking a day full of biking would
put you to sleep soon

whole day you pretended she didn't exist
whole day you thought it would last
whole semester you pretend that you're healing faster than you are
but even your friends are tired of hearing her name

now it's not only the puppy's face you can kick in
like you did in 2014,
but now you can kick its ***** in
like they're fresh bubble rap
or a pice of trash in the bike lane
shoved aside into the gutter
kick them to keep the puppy safe
safe from falling into love,
falling into infatuation
falling away from God

we used to have to take breaks from talking
our cheeks were hurting from how long we sustained
our smiles
laughter about
how long we've gone smiling

now my legs are tense,
the pain is familiar
like the acid that is deposited
in your mouth,
that taste you get every few years
out of know where

and my nose twitches
when I think about her
as if I got a whif of a sewer
overrun by dying rats
who ate off of nothing but
discarded fast food wrappers
and drank **** from dying, crushed cicadas

dreams of ticks climbing on me
looking for a hidden spot
to bite and **** my blood
maybe in my ear,
maybe next to my taint,
maybe in the small of my back
the exact places you've been before
all the places that no one else has gone
that's where the ticks will go
that's where my flesh was opened
and has not healed yet

the enemy wants to abide in me
to feed off of me
to drain me of what's been gifted

why do you think
there is any chance
that I would want to be with you?
why will this be an event
where we sit down and talk
about our feelings
as if there is a bond between us
to be mended,
just a patch to sew,
just a pice of code to correct,
a poem's paragraph to rewrite,
just a muddy stretch of country road to walk through
before we can get back on the motorbike?

what does your community say about this?
have you asked?
what does God say about this?
have you asked?
what do you say about this?
have you truly asked yourself?

who do you think you are?
is it simply that I'm 21 months older than you
that I've gone through this before
and know that it's not worth the try?

what, you think an ideal relationship
is one where they break up and get back together
...
is that model driving your decisions
to quit on me just to ask me back?
as if a relationship that never breaks is a weaker one than one that does?

aren't I on the transgender "branch"
in your tree theory of predestination?
aren't I just on some path that is impossible
to leave even without God's help?
aren't I just some *******
that you got to know,
learned to love,
and tossed out
with the rotting, maggot theme park that was our compost bin?

that's how it felt.
I forgave you for that
I don't hate you anymore
and I'm not mad at you anymore

but I don't speak of you
as if you were a low risk investment,
or a peaceful scene along the river,
a short ride through the jungle,
or an integrated unit that knows
how to deal with it's weaknesses

I speak of you to myself
as someone
with a high IQ
and a high EQ
but not with yourself

give into addiction
like it's a slide
you're afraid to fly down

let your mind go
to that smooth feeling
where silk and skin meet

let your heart beat
increase like
on the day's sole walk

let your fingers swipe
a screen so your eyes
can see the colors and patterns

let your spirit fall
fall down beneath
yesterday's snow
let the memories
be buried
like footprints
hidden under ***** ice

snow is putting distance
between itself and the clouds
like how older people do
when they've put some distance
between themselves
and the pain

snow is here to keep me standing
if only I choose to stand
let it snow
let it burry
let it go