I'm in that mood
When I want a collar round my neck
Though I'll still be in control
Two bodies writhing, one bed.

I'm in that mood
When I shiver at my thoughts
And I prowl ever-restless
The house is freezing, I'm blazing hot.

I'm in that mood
When I'd beg for anything
And time is too slow
My eyes are open, I'm blind with need.

I'm in that mood
When shame is a foreign entity
And humiliation is impossible
Or perhaps exhilarating.

I'm in that mood
When I can't contain the desperation
And I'm far past coherent or sane
So very rushed yet patient.

I'm in that mood
Where I'd curse anyone who set me free
And my mind is an unending chant,
'Collar me, collar me.'

There is nothing here
And here is nothing at all
And there is no rhyme, or reason
Or meaning or purpose
As we work towards nothing
Whilst we live in nothing.

There is no end
And there is no beginning
And there is nothing after the end
And there was nothing before the beginning
Thus we merely exist and then we do not
Yet we never began existing at all

And in our absurdity,
Our damnable inanity,
When do we realize the monotony?
When do we realize the lack of purpose?
And when we do, should we also realize
There is no time or place or distance?

And then shall we understand
There is no 'we'
And there is no 'there'
And 'we' 'exist' in 'nothing' at all
Or shall we continue to find meaning
In the forever meaningless?

I miss you constantly
You are just beside me
Some thousands of miles
Of seas and skies away.

It is baffling that I could share the same sun
Admire the same moon, as you might feel inclined to do
And somehow be too far to ever count it
As sharing the same space.

I see all of who you've shown me you are
And I package you in precious pieces
That I hide in my limbic system
And scatter through my striatum.

When it rains, I can't help but wonder
If these little droplets were ever closer to you than me
And I hate and love them in a single instant
Until I can hear and see and love you again.

I miss you with an intensity that scares me,
Considering I have yet to meet you,
And every second closer I am to seeing you
The lump in my throat grows impossibly larger.

I am closer to you when I speak of you
Face lit in an involuntary, irremovable, lovesick smile
The people who asked must regret it terribly
But, as a sap in love, I tell them anyway.

I occasionally regret ever buying the plane ticket
I constantly regret buying the plane ticket
To meet you would be the greatest joy
And infinitely more so my greatest nightmare.

Why would I give myself temporary relief?
I will see you and hold you and split my face smiling
And then I will leave you and miss you ten times more.
I am willingly subjecting myself to this.

I will miss you more than I do.
It will hurt, come good or bad,
It will feel worse than most things
It will feel better than most things.

It will feel like liberation, like knowing the grand prize
It will feel like drowning, slowly, agonizingly
It will feel like the rush of falling from a height
It will feel like the instantaneous pain of hitting the ground.

I miss you constantly.
You are just beside me
Unthinkably far, impossibly close
Within my thoughts.

Old friends, new crowds
The sun still burns through the clouds
White hands, brown skin
No way out, no way in.

This is a clique, you're not invited
We're alone together and we like it.
We sell death, we use death until it's dying
We fight death and lose and keep on trying.

We sing like seagulls, feast like falcons
Needles and powder: you won't catch us without them.
We shake ourselves down and shake all the way up
And even when we're past ground level, it's not enough.

****** jazzy tunes in this crackden melody.
We'll introduce you to our eyes and allow you to see.
We'll let you meet our minds and soar above the clouds.
You've got a taste for it; you'll never leave us now.

I don't want to play a game
The game
I don't want to play it with you.
I want to devour like I'm starved
And miss you when I'm through.

I gravitate to your presence
(Get it?)
I want to **** the storm in me, blazing.
I want to see if your worth killing or saving.
I want to sate this insatiable craving.

Daddy Dearest
With your fingers 'round my neck
Daddy Dearest
The definition of a wreck
Daddy Dearest

Daddy, Daddy
Did you know I want you dead?
Daddy, Daddy
Did you know I've tried to **** myself?
Daddy, Daddy

Daddy Dearest
It's my turn to beat you up
Daddy Dearest
Isn't that how you show 'love'?
Daddy Dearest

Daddy, Daddy
It's my turn to fling you down the stairs
Daddy, Daddy
We've got to play this game fair
Daddy, Daddy

Daddy Dearest
It's your turn to slice your veins
Daddy Dearest
It's your turn to go insane
Daddy Dearest

Daddy, Daddy
It's my turn to tell you you're worthless
Daddy, Daddy
It's my turn to tell you you're useless
Daddy, Daddy

Daddy Dearest
It's my turn to tell you how much I hate you
Daddy Dearest
It's my turn to put down what you look up to
Daddy Dearest

Daddy, Daddy
It's my turn to **** your cat
Daddy, Daddy
It's my turn to watch you cry whilst I laugh
Daddy, Daddy

Daddy Dearest
Do you see what you've done?
Daddy Dearest
The monster has always won
Daddy Dearest

Darling, darling
May I hold you in my arms?
And rock you until
You've cried out every injustice
Every done to you?

Darling, darling
Might I endear myself to you?
Until your very instinct is to look to me
For the strength you need
To win every battle?

Darling, darling
Shall I be your diamond sheild?
Impervious to damage
In my complete conviction
To protect you from harm?

                                                                                    But you don't see me, do you?
I am not an option for you.
                                                                                    I won't call you darling any longer.
I am not to be forgotten.

You may never turn around to see me
And I, darl-, I may never care again.

There are words in a million languages
That pass between our eyes alone
They piece themselves together in my mind
And rest on the tip of my tongue

Was it just the whiskey talking?
Every word you said sounded like ***
Was it just the liquor talking?
Was I just a bit of fun?

Because I know better than to trust or lean
I’m far too smart to count on you for anything
I know not to bother with vulnerabilities
So why did soft words from you instantly break me?

I don’t lean into arms in the dark of night
And suddenly feel that I can breathe
I don’t hold to anyone for any reason
And momentarily feel my mind freeze

But it was quiet for a second, it was silent
There were no hands on my neck, nothing violent
It was bliss for a second, I was peaceful
Like I’d gone to bed starved and woke up full

But

I’m needy at my most honest
I need someone to hold me together
I could fix myself if I wanted
But I’m too tired to bother

I’m jealous at my most real
I’ll wrap around you like gauze
I’ll watch you be you with a smile
While hoping the whole world ***** off

I’ll sit with you like this
With the words you whisper down my neck
I told you I’d never been honest before
So please, don’t leave me a mess

It is now that we feel the uselessness of our effort
It is now that our moral fades and retreats away
It is now that we wrap ourselves in memories
It is now that we surrender and lose our pride and names

This is the defeat of hope and optimism
This is the cutting down of what was good
This is what happens when one faces a legion
This is the doubt of what was and what should

And so the land is barren and we walk barefoot
And the sun roasts us alive and we drink our tears, our blood
And so the people who did win are happy and rejoice
And so the people who did win have found riches and love

We are the defeated who surrendered in the end
We who realized that, no, we really can't.
We are the defeated who surrendered to reality
And so the winners may laugh whilst our feet burn on sand.

The inferno blazes
It is too hot
But we cannot bring ourselves to separate
As our hearts beat quickly as one
And we are enveloped in each other.

He is radiant
He is the sun
And as his skin slides against mine
We ignite and are consumed in
A conflagration of desire.

He looked at me
Shook his head
Disappointed
I'd tried so long
Worked so hard
And reaped nothing
He turned form me
He walked away
So sadly
I put down my pride
And held to his legs
He shook me off
And patted my head
Resigned to the fact
I could not fetch

You don't love me, do you?
I wonder constantly. I know it.
Your love is immature and selfish.
I remember thinking love would be bliss.

You wouldn't mourn me, would you?
I watch as you do nothing as I die of stress.
Do my eyes look angry, accusing?
You don't help because you want to do less.

I'd be far too inconvenient, wouldn't I?
You watch me drown in my efforts.
I fully expect you not to reach out a hand.
I wonder if I could possibly think of you worse.

You wouldn't spit on me if I was burning.

I hate you when you are smiling, lately.
I'm having premature heart attack symptoms
Anxiety, stress, and PTSD are killing me
I'll rip the smile off your face and the air from your lungs.

I don't care that you're frustrated, lately.
Or did you think empty platitudes would calm me?
Tell me everything you plan to do
And will I believe you? Probably not, we'll see.

I'm tired of feeling like a glory hole, lately.
I'll pay for your comfort and deal with your lust
Nice to meet you, I contain a brain, wow!
And I'll use that brain to leave you if I must.

It's disconcerting to me that you make promises you break so easily.

Do you read my poetry anymore? I doubt it.
I'll wait to post this just in case.
Just how you gave me no warning that you don't care for me.
I'll give you none when we part ways.

I won't run from
This commitment
If she'll have me.

We could be good
I know
We could be great.

But I am frightened
And starstruck
I'm deeper than planned.

I want to make
Her smile
All throughout the day.

Earth may try to break you
And Life, she'll try to take you
Love may live without you
And Silence my let the pain through

But Nature will love you kindly
And restore all you've lost
You're a creature of the Earth
Of nature hard and soft

Stress may do you badly
And Anxiety may wrack your bones
Apathy may take you gladly
And Tears may drag you from home

But Wind and Water will grow you
Laughter and Love will heal you
The Sun will hold and cradle you
And let Joy come through

Don't let the Fire take you
Don't follow behind Regret
You're a spirit of Nature herself
An Earth sprite born and bred.

I hate the days away from school
Nearly as much as I hate school itself
Because when I'm away from the expectations
I can't even lie convincingly to myself.

I can't slap a smile onto my face
I can't laugh until I cry
I can't get rid of the emptiness
That clings desperately to my life.

Eventually, I simply sit and stare
Memorizing the popcorn ceiling
Pathetic, by my own right, and
Too far past merely empty
Yet, for some reason, still trying.

I move like a ****
I move like a *****
No, I move like a woman
And that's definition enough.

I walk like a man
I carry myself proudly
No, I walk like a human
And that's definition enough.

I speak like I'm white
I behave oddly to the colour of my skin
No, I act with intelligence
And that's adjective enough.

Strip me of your petty labels
I'll not be held down, I'll refuse their grip
Because I am simply me
And that's definition
And that's adjective
And that's enough.

the future is a black hole i'm not ready to observe
stagnation; fear, get me out, let me flee
it follows me, stays out of reach, i don't want to hear it
don't want to see it, escapism, cover me, hide me

i'm terrified, what is this, stop asking questions
i don't know, i don't know, i hate it, i don't know
what, when, where, why, how; too much, too much
scratch at the walls of the cell until it lets me go

find it, find something, find anything, a purpose
a meaning, a cause, a reason; i have none
find fun, find joy, find desperation in the correct sense
and for all those born with it, the battle's half-won

are you happy, are you content, are you living your best life
are you intrigued, can you make sense, are you ready to go
are you working, are you motivated, are you productive
no, the answer is this fearful, no

the future chases me, im running in place, let me get away
escapism, stagnation, terror, and terrified apathy
the future is now, it is later, it has already past
drown, suffocate, sprinting and always coming in last

I'll walk down the road of eternity
My partner hand-in-hand beside me
I'll ask of his name
And he replies "Death" to me
And we continue our merry gait

As we walk slowly, I ask where he's from
He replies, "Where they all go when their time is done"
And though I know not who they are
To listen is fun
As we travel afar

Death looks at me
As he smiles quietly
He murmurs a inquiry
Asks if I had a reply
As to why walked with me
.
Confused I replied
Something of friendship
Death chuckled and shoved me down
Fear bloomed in my belly
For Death's feet did not touch the ground

It was only then
I knew my friend
Was truly the master
Of when one's time ends

And in fear I stopped
And Death smiled at me
And before I could turn back
He closed the door to reality

Chronically
Ironically
It seems to be
All fallacies
Of things to be
That I'll never get the chance to see.

Jive and jeer
Laugh and sneer
A cough, a wheeze
Laughing at me
And all my pleas
I know in truth I'll never be free

But to clarify, don't let vague by, description of the fallen
Every molecule I'm made of has an infection, a problem.

Is it in my brain, I wonder?
Because even I'm afraid to check.
You've seen my anger, my fury
And my graphic imaginings of death.
And the jealousy that festers
And the perversions that I flaunt
And the lengths I would go
Simply to get what I want.

I've spoken of Misophonia
(God, I hate my ears)
I've explained how every sound
Causes abject anger or fear.
I've talked of how my brain
Just doesn't understand
A single 'trigger' noise and
I've either screamed or ran.

I've discussed my depression
I've described why and how I cut
I explained that my Heart wants blood
Though my Brain screams 'Enough'
I've mentioned my memory lapses
That are no longer quite selective
How the line of my memories aren't
Sequential; aren't consecutive.

I've written and erased just how lonely I am
I've written of tears through tears
I've written of hurt and of love
And even hope, or maybe fear.
I've written my family whom I hate to love
I've written my desire to be owned and kept
I've written my straying from beliefs and religion
I've written ****-themes of what has and hasn't happened yet

I've written my thoughts: why was my life like this?
I've written my thoughts: can I be someone else?
I've written my thoughts: can you change my colour?
I've written my thoughts: why wasn't I born male?
I've typed my heart: someone somewhere is gonna love you.
I've typed my soul: no one needs to see it.
I've typed my mind: you're useless, ugly, crass
I've typed the facts: I'm a *******.

And that's only a fraction of my brain.
Only a portion of what hurts.
That's only a taste of what makes me insane.
A glimpse of a wasteland of dust and dirt.
We'll go no farther there, not today
We've much more to explore.
It's not safe in my brain at all
But, perhaps later, we'll see more.

Now the problem could lie on my skin.
That's riddled with scars and life.
My skin that tells a story
Of pain, of hate, of strife.
My skin, god I always hated it
The color, the scarring, the texture
There's not a **** thing about it
That doesn't make me feel lesser.

My skin, you don't understand
My skin makes me, me.
My skin, you don't comprehend!
Color is all you see.
I was raised to be wary
Of everything, alive or dead
But skin was the selling point
I was the monster under my bed.

My skin explains stories
I never thought to tell
My skin holds trauma
In every atom, every cell
My skin is calloused
From scars and hurt and work
Like an ever-present melody
It's driving me berserk.

But the problem may be in my organs
Perhaps inside my lungs.
I remember at thirteen I felt trauma
And almost picked up and fired a gun.
But instead I chose a lighter and
A stick filled with cancer
Instead I ****** up my voice
Just so I wouldn't remember.

Maybe it's in my heart
With its irregular beating
And the constant stress
Chilling and overheating.
The unending adrenaline
The paranoia never stops
The suicide attempts
I'm sure my heart's about to pop.

And yet I may never know
There's too many issues
Every molecule I own
Needs to be made anew.
This was a checkup
And a shoddy one at best
But should I ever go in-depth
I'll write it all, I'll write the rest.

"I love him"
"She's my heart"
"He's brighter than the stars"
God, I'm about to ****

About to regurgitate every
Morsel of breakfast I ate
Along with the lunch I'll eat
If you keep going at this rate

Go wax your poetry
And when your through
I have a single word
Filled with disgust: "Ew".

Skipped school because I couldn't imagine
Couldn't fathom moving my body outside of the house.
And curled up on my bed
On the couch
In the office
Trying to find something to do.

Dragged weary feet up the stairs
To stare at the emptiness in a full refrigerator
And closed the door
Closed my eyes
Closed my mouth
And existed for a minute.

Outside, nature is loud, boisterous and lively
So I found some death and lit it
And breathed out hurt
Breathed out boredom
Breathed out tiredness
Until it was all smoked up.

Sitting here at the computer I'm trying to find the words
To explain just how tired I am
Of smelling silence
Of smelling loneliness
Of smelling exhaustion
Just how tired I am of these exhaust fumes.

let it run down your spine like a shiver
and wrap round your wrists like rope
let it climb up your veins like vines
and fill up your throat till you choke.

are you waiting for someone to find you?
are you thinking of your other half?
does the want trip up your daily struggle
with dreams of a something that lasts?

then, let it tear up your heart like a lost lover
let it catapult you higher like hope
let it guide you along like road signs
let it wash your expectations like soap.

I expect more from you
Because I'd be willing to
But if its more than you can do
Then I'm willing to do so for you

If you won't take the first step
I'll take it, and all the rest
I'll do whatever comes next
Because it's what you expect

We'll be friends till the day we die
And whatever comes after that time
May the trials pass us by
As we live til', in age, we are ripe

And you'll never once question or
Wonder why I'm satisfied without more
And when death comes knocking on the door
I'll explain that that's what friends are for.

Legs, arms, feet
Not quite in one piece
No on can believe what they see
Flying legs, and arms, and feet.

Who dun' it? Who dun' it?
Why'd they do it to them?
Someone confess it, admit it!
And we'll get revenge!

BOOM BOOM
They'll hear it in their dreams
The booming of explosions
Tearing them apart at the seams.

Legs, arms, feet
Not quite in one piece
No on can believe what they see
Flying legs, and arms, and feet.

With a smile on her face
She hates
And wishes them all to die

With a tear and a frown
He cries
But truly feels no pain inside

With a chuckle of mirth
She hugs
But the words fester and leave a mark

With a harsh bark and unkind words
He attacks
Just to protect his heart

The faces we wear in public
A lie covering what we feel
The disguises we use to protect ourselves
Never showing what is real

A lesser human being
Something to be hated
An abomination
Repulsive
Me.

They make it seem like
Somehow it's worse
That I'm black
As well as
Gay.

I'm not a ******, that word
Doesn't describe who I am,
I just want to love
Who I
Want.

Would it help if I told you that I probably
Will be single anyway because
I'm not attractive and  I'm
Direly afraid of
Love?

Being pansexual isn't the definition
Of the word "******" at all
Because pansexuality does
Not mean a pile of
Sticks.

So, you see, I am not a "******"
The word shouldn't even exist
As an insult; however, it can't
Really be reclaimed
Anymore.

I had a collar once
Of black leather and sky blue fur
And it fit me snugly
It was all I could ask for.

When my thoughts rampaged
As they do very second of everyday
I'd wrap it round my neck
And the noise would fade.

They called me a freak.
They looked at me in disgust, I was shamed
Because they don't understand
The need to be tamed.

Whether round my neck
Or around my wrists and ankles
Without a tether, I fret
Thus, for that collar, I am thankful.

I once felt guilt
Worse than any other pain
It weighed me down
As though it waterlogged my brain.

And all I wished
Was to atone
For a whip
To sing to my bones.

"Why invite pain?
God, she's disgusting?
She's ******* insane!"
The words said to me.

But how could they know
How much I wanted to cry?
How much I wanted discipline
To ease the guilt in my mind?

I once heard a scream
And it scampered down my spine
Like it was a living, sentient being
Infiltrating my mind.

And I'm sure I'd be a pariah
If I ever told anyone
I wanted to cause that scream
To make it sound like painful salvation.

I once cried
I hurt myself as comfort
And the feeling of that pain
Was so very sweet and so very short

And they'd call me a fool
Yet I still crave pain
And they'd think of me badly
For what I can't contain.

See, I'm far from vanilla
I'm far from innocence
Because all life gave me
Was cold and cimmerian.

There's a word for what I do
A lovely acronym
And it's so far from vanilla
Most describe it as a sin.

Drinking bottles of Guinness
"Only socially, I can't stand the stuff"
Fatality in the finesse
Of 'classiness' and *****.

Smoky rooms and jazzy tunes
A cigar hanging from the lips
Fatality in the finesse
Of small talk and swaying hips.

Winehouse's drawl pours from the speakers
That are modern in their vintage style
Fatality in the finesse
Of hidden grimaces and fake smiles.

Every conversations the same
In it's lack of personality
Fatality in the finesse
Of sociability.

Sometimes
I just
Lay on my bed
Crying as I recalled
The many ways you
Showed me you hated me.

The shadows hold stories
Of people never seen.
They creep up the walls,
They move within dreams.

Are you afraid yet?
Are you afraid to go?
Will you drag your feet?
Will you walk slow?

The night whispers things
No one wants to hear.
It sneaks through windows
And vomits into ears.

Are you afraid now?
Are you shaking, cold?
Are you panicking now?
Are you ready to go?

It's okay.
Just a moment of pain and then
nothing.

Nothing at all.

You've been waiting for a decade.

It's time to take your fall.

I don't trust you with it
I want to rip the infested pieces of you away from it
Scourge you out from every nook and cranny
Rip the oldest remnant of you from the deepest crag in it
And place you in a thick glass jar

I want to observe you from every angle and know you inside out
And only then will I know if I'd prefer to wrap you up
Or tear you down
But whichever I chose I would never, never let you out

I would keep you from it but know you both so well
Not even your mother could boast to know more
I would rend you from each other and stitch you back together
And bind you both to me that way my mind screams at me to do

But

First I must reach out and you must grasp my hand
I would love to hear all about you
If you'd open up and let me see who you are
I will accept every filthy and clean part of you
All I require is your every thought
Every breath
Every heartbeat
I ask so little of you
You ask so much of me

You ask me to be a friend in the sense
That you are not entirely unequivocally mine
I refuse
You ask me to be a confidant as though I am not aware of who needs to hear the words you will say
I refuse
You ask me to believe you because you are honest
As though I don't know who you were and are
I refuse
You ask me to care to listen to hear you and I can do all that and more but you have done nothing for me

Slit your throat for me.
Show me you truly need only me to care
Reach down into your chest and present your heart to me
Open your skull and give me your brain
Prove that you trust me enough to check its every secret
Empty out your arteries for me. Show me you trust I'll put you back together
Give me your organs and know that I'll hold you to life

I will accept then
I will listen then
I will care then
You've no clue the extent to which I love those who give me all of them
I will love until heaven and hell and earth and the universe itself wither away
Eternally
Unwaveringly
If I have all of you
You will have me.

I'm really not all that nice
I just have an extremely dense
Filter
Some
Often call me a *****
But without that filter
They'd call me the definition
Of a living hell.

I find it odd that people think I
Don't understand what they
Say
Just
Because I'm not actively
Listening to what you say
Doesn't mean I don't hear
And acknowledge the words

And as I go through the day
Attempting to look on the bright
Side
I
Realize that, despite telling myself
It'll get better in time
That I may not have much of that
Time I speak of to begin with

So maybe I should go a day
Without persisting in being so
Fake
And maybe I should try
Just for one day to remove the
Filter
But first I have to brave the fear
Of the freedom that comes with
Uninhibited thought

It takes little more than a kind word
To carry me through a month
To hold me up against battle
To force me, against trials, to triumph.

It takes little more than genuine praise
To burn a soul to memory
To lose all sense of proper speech
To fly unbound and freely.

And with a word comes a smile
I can't get it off my face
With a word comes gratitude
So potent my hands shake.

With a word comes a flattered feeling
That blossoms just under my ribs
With a word comes a jittery, happy panic
On which I cannot put a lid.

I laugh boisterously
I forget my usual frown
With a word I am lifted
And I will never come back down.