I miss how the smell of grass made my feet smile
how the sun made my belly tickle
how the waves made my heart jump with fascination
and how I made myself feel safe

How the clear blue sky made my mind full of hope
how the birds made my ears relaxe
how the gravel made my legs extend
how I gave me joy

I miss the summers innocence
mixed with my childish naivety,
when all it took was a day full of summer
for me to be full of light
for me to feel happy

I love how my voice feels
after being gone
for so long

but
it also makes me sad to realise
I haven't heard its strength,
not since I met you

I hate it every time the feelings find you
before your words
And then, after two years, one minute or five hours
or whenever they bother showing up,
it's like your heart and your stomach just sitting there
saying "we told you so"
and you hate them for speaking so clearly
whilst you refused to

You cannot change my decision,
you can only make the pain more thorough

Because, you see, this isn't the first moment we're discussing this
this is only the moment I'm showing it to you
this is only the moment I'm sure I'm done.

Because
I've been on my way a long time now,
I've just clinged on
a little while longer
But.
The decision is already taken,
no more words can postpone it
I'm already gone

Words
pushing against my chest
longing to get heard,
trying to fit into my heart

Words that I have so carefully
not let in
That I have so intentionally
left outside,
not giving space for them to be spoken

It's just stupid, isn't it?
How they always catch up on you
Whether it's through a sound,
a stroke or simply through a word
How they always stay, no matter how unwanted they are
They always stay

just like you.

What if *** is there just to give us a release,
to let out all the anger and disappointment
we otherwise just stash up behind a smile

Maybe it's a way to let that long finger out
from our pocketless pants
and throw it in their ignorant faces

It had been interrupting us all night
That electricity between us that we tried to reach by sitting closer, letting our eyes whisper and our thighs caress longing words to each other, making sure we were always together
Our laughter mixed and our hands clasped in our knees

I swear, that night we could have caught fire

And all those feelings we had craved so greedily finally threatened to explode upon us right where we stood,
drunk and inches away from each other, packed on a trash can, trying to reach the sky from the roof
and I knew that if I just looked up,
we would fall into each other and never come back up

So I didn't

I didn't allow us to scream all that we had felt during the night
Instead, I stared down, hiding from your gaze full of dreams, tucking it all far away in my heart,
stashing it so my boyfriend would never find it

My heart
swelling
in my chest,
trying to stop
my tongue
from destroying this,
from destroying everything

But


"I can't..."

and just like that
our hearts stop

and it becomes too late

And it was just as beautiful as he said it was.
But as I asked him to lift me higher, he put me down and left me there on the floor. And Lord, I don't think you've ever seen anything so black as after you've seen the sun, like truly seen it.

It just makes all the other colours disappear with him.

People talk about near-death experiences
and I feel like me almost staying with you was one.

Like me settling, saying 'fine, this is fine'
whilst my heart cried for more,
that was definitely one.

And it feels like I've just made it out alive,
my heart bleeding, my mind a mess
and my arms so tired from carrying you
but still, I made it.