i can't translate
the words from our pages

they were born out of swedish syllabics

formed by
the dialectic way
you formed your lips
around j's
so different from me

the shifting distance
in our pauses
silently inviting the other one
to pick up

the rytm
in our morning talks
melodies from your tongue  
seconds before  
you break into a smile

our memoirs
are coloured by the
raw cold winter
sprung from northern skies  

and they just won't
render
into something else
despite my aching need
to write you out

when people are in love
they often say
they simply fell
tripped over their own two feet
face forward
and into the arms of their beloved

i did more than simply fall
onto the ground of your love

you, for me
were an ocean
and i dived
headfirst
roughly
harshly
almost painfully
into the waters of “you”

i knew i could not swim
but i did so anyway
i was drowning
entangled in you
surrounded by this being of “you”
engulfed in this feeling of “you”

and i did not know what came over me
but i let myself drown
i did not try to swim back up
because if i went back to land,
releasing myself from your grasp
that would mean losing the feeling of “you”

and after
submerging into the depth
the love
the passion
of “you”

how could i ever leave?

I cannot keep going back
to see if he still lives there
In my heart

This shattered home inside of me
that I in desperation tore apart
Stomped to pieces
Wrecked out of me
Out
Out
Out
left nails and wood and pieces of furnitures
(like his bed when he lies awake, lost and torn apart)
And I keep bumping into them
Keep stepping on sharp edges
Making me lose my breath,
my balance
My way
And I don’t know how to get them out


And how am I supposed to build a home
with you
when I’m already full
of broken wood
of the last inherent

And how can you ask for less
Than all of me
and
how can I give you all
When I don’t even find it myself

His words still lives within me
and I let them out,
sometimes when I’m not even aware of it
When I make you say something
and it has him all over it

And your innocent eyes brings equal pain
as the words does

If I could connect my mind with my heart
Maybe I’d be whole
and stable

How can I be so lost
within myself
that I don’t even understand
what my own heart is trying to say
to me
Because my mind,
The only thing I can control,
Keeps screaming
(just like I screamed when I tried to let myself go)

I am raging
at the thought of him
building himself a home inside of me
Despite my protests
despite me not wanting
his
homelessness
on my conscience

It wasn’t my decision
to tear him apart
He did that good enough for both of us