So hell isn't all
It's cracked up to be.
I've seen the damage,
The torture
The pain.

And I react physically
To every single memory,
My stomach twists and I convulse,
And I gag and double over in pain.

Tears stream,
Y'know
The works.

But then there's the high waters,
And with each and every rain drop,
I believe I'll see it soon.

And I don't know which is worse,
My personal hell,
Or knowing that the end days
Could come
And I couldn't
Ever stop them.

Come hell,
Or high water.

I may not be strong,
I may not be powerful,
Or skilled
Or threatening
Or coordinated.

But I will do
Anything and everything
Within my power
To protect those I love
From the greatest harm I know:
Myself.

I am getting better,
Slowly
But surely.

I will no longer be harmful,
Come hell or high water.

How do you compare hell to hell?

when the wind is too cold,
I break down sobbing when
it slices my skin.

there are certain tones that are too loud,
too aggressive,
too sharp,
that spark fear in my heart,
make me flinch.

don't raise your hand too close to my face,
too quickly.
it's muscle memory
to duck and hide.

you'll find me asking "are you sure are you sure are you sure are you sure"
more often than I will accept
"It's okay,"
as a response.

you'll see me picking at my cuticles,
twisting my hair,
touching my ears,
adjusting my necklace,
because I have to be perfect,
at least in appearance.
I won't let there be something
to be easily preyed upon.

I am fiercely protective,
you'll see.
of you
and of effort I put into things.

I know I only have two talents-
writing and cooking of any kind.

I do not cook for just anyone.
food is love,
I will tell you constantly,
though I barely allow myself to eat.

I am getting better,
slowly but surely.
my flight pattern is lopsided,
but at least I'm in the air
with you.

it's not much,
but it's a start.

I love that we work.
I love when you make mention of
The fact that we work.
I love that you make it obvious you care,
I love that you appreciate when I do the same.

My main attributes
Are kindness
And fierce loyalty.

Yours seem to be
Stubborn dedication
And honesty.

And it seems
To me
That you don't believe in much
But you believe in us.

People have a way
Of finding their way into my life.
They also have a way
Of finding the door
Before I can find
Their hearts.

But you found my heart
Immediately
And when I found yours
I made it my home.

You don't believe in fated love.
But you do believe in true love.
And, I suppose it's important
That I make mention
That you think/know
That I am your true love.

Fated love being
Someone you must love
That it's been written in stone
That you love them.

True love being
Someone who you love more than anything, that you always will love.

If that's what I am to you,
Then that's enough
For me.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP
WITH ALL THIS POURING RAIN
AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP
WITH ALL THAT NOISE
AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP

When I can't sleep.
When I keep thinking
About the future
And how much I want it to be now,
And how badly I want to be
Next to you,
In your arms,
My skin against yours.

How am I supposed to sleep,
When I can't grasp your hands?

How am I supposed to sleep
When I miss you so much?

I guess I will,
I guess I will
Somehow.

But not now.
Sleep is evasive.
I'll keep searching.

"Why can't I just be more confident?"

Let me get straight to the point.

I'm not confident.

I might not always think I'm worthwhile,
But I'm getting there.

I know I'm not terrible looking,
But that is never enough.
I have to be thinner,
My eyes can't be brown,
I need to have clearer skin,
My waist needs to be smaller,
My stomach needs to be flatter.
My hair needs to be softer and have more volume.
Maybe even curl a little.

All these thoughts that I would fight tooth and nail against my friends if they dared to think this negatively about themselves.

I'm a hypocrite, what can I say?

Though I have been conditioned
From the day I could voice my own opinions, from the day I didn't want my mother dressing me up,
To believe I have no value other than my appearance.
To believe that I have no worth as anything but a pretty little doll, and having even that revoked.

My parents would call me "pretty" and "precious",
But when I stood up for myself when they would lash out at me
I was "ugly" and "rude".

They're still like that.
Voicing my opinions around them
Never goes well.

Manipulative friendships and two ex's later,
I'm this way.

I am unsure of everything. Every compliment could be revoked at any second.

Same with any type of love.

The only reason I know I'm better than those who have hurt you,
Is because the only thing I'm arrogant about
Is the empathy and vicious protectiveness in my heart.

But I'll never be
Super confident,
Like the women who reel men in like fish,
Devour their hearts,
And throw them back into the water.

But I know I am strong.
Stronger than you know.
I've been told it's incredible
That I can still be so soft and sincere
And caring
After going through
My own little hell.

And maybe that is my strength.
I still have a heart,
After refusing to sell my soul to Death.

I am confident in at least that much.

I cannot identify stars
Or constellations,
But I can make a shape
Make a something
Out of anything
You put in front of me.

But as for the constellation Virgo,
There is a star known as a Spica,
Sixteenth brightest star in the sky,
Brightest in its' constellation.
And despite all that I've read,
And despite all my hopes and dreams,
This is a star,
I thought I would never get to see.

Because stars are not meant to be seen
And kept.
Rather held in our hearts
Like secret memories
To remind us of homes
We've never had.

And trust me,
I can tell you all about homes
I've never had.

But I don't want to,
Not today.

I want to tell you about a Virgo,
Born under Spica,
In the ruling house of Mercury,
And all the love I carry in my heart for him,
And how my whole body aches to be held by him,
And my skin shivers in wait of his touch,
And how much my heart shudders and aches
For his presence and being
To be close to mine.

You're asleep,
And i'm cooking dinner,
And i listen to your thoughts
Whe you choose to speak them
Because i like hearing your worldview
And your voice levels me.

But sometimes i need to talk,
And i feel like i'm an annoyance
And whatevet excites me
Doesn't really
Matter

And it's that way with most.

I've had my likes called stupid
My confessions of triggers called cancer
So why should you
Hear me?

I'm falling into the
Just-because-it's-not-all-the-time-
It's-okay
Mindset
Again

­And that's not okay.

My hands are always freezing cold,
Unless I'm somehow touching you.

Not the generic,
Clammy cold hands.
No,
Cold, and dry, and soft to the touch.
As though I stuck my hands in dry ice
Long enough for my hands to be frozen,
But not long enough for my skin to peel.

My feet are even colder.

But when I touch you,
Or you touch me,
It's like my body all of a sudden decided
"Let's have proper blood circulation,"
And then I over heat,
Because being warm isn't something I'm used to.

And I feel like something about this
Is a fantastic metaphor
For my bravado of cool and calm and apathetic
Melting all of a sudden,
All because of you.

I'll count the scars
Scattered across my hands and arms
And hips and stomach
Instead of the stars that drift across
The sky.

I'll count the scars I have,
Most caused by me,
Some caused by others,
And I'll dream of a time
I was a clean slate,
A time I was better than I am now,
And I'll get better.
I promise I'm getting better.

And if your lips
Can grace my scars,
Then maybe I can have the nerve
To count stars
Instead of scars.

Tomorrow will be sixty three days.
Sixty three days
Of wanting to breathe as deeply as I could.
Of enjoying the feeling
Of the sun on my skin.
Of knowing I'm not horrible.

Tomorrow I will still have
Thirty seven days to go,
Until I get to one hundred.

And now I'm counting down the days,
Until I get to see you.
I only have to go three nights,
Two days,
Until I see you again.

I am so glad
That I made it.
I am so glad
I didn't break.
I am so glad
To enjoy the sound of music again.
I am so happy
To be alive.

Right now I'm crying,
Because it's a beautiful feeling,
Wanting to live
And being in love.

If I can make it passed
All the torment I've made it through,
To get to this,
With you at my side,
I know I can do anything.

Actions speak louder than words.
Let me show you my gratitude and humble pride
Until the day after forever.

Listen,
All I know is
I'm full of wounds
And scars
And broken
Parts

But I am still
Standing
On my feet.

So, let me tell you,
I don't know what this thing is--
Defeat,
Or whatever you call it.

I'm still going to be walking,
Moving forward.
No dream or memory,
Or flashback
Will keep me from moving onward.

I am full of wounds
And scars
And broken
Parts.

But I am still standing.

Close your eyes,
And realize
Things are dangerous
From my end.

Each and every step
If not placed correctly
Will result in my shattering,
But if placed
In the order
It should
It will
Result
In maybe something better
Than before?

And I am frozen
I am cold
But I see a type of light
Within you.

It feels like my skin is crawling,
Though I know that's just the old medication
Seeping out of my pores.

It feels like the room is spinning,
But that's just me getting used to
It not being in my system,
Because the new medication hasn't kicked in yet.

I'm a mess,
I'm a wreck.

My emotions are splattered on the wall
Like red paint or rust colored blood stains.

I feel myself slipping
But it is a slow decline
From sanity.

I fall into the void,
But the void spits me back up.

And why shouldn't it?
I'm not done here,
No, not yet.

Bleeding out the wound
Only makes the infection worse.
No one ever asks
"Why are you bleeding?"
They only ever demand that you apologize
For bleeding on their shirt.

Forget me
Just let me
Cry it out.

Forget me
Just let me
Cry it out.

The scars
On my hands and wrists
Are years old
And I've done nothing
To rid myself
Of them.

They're proof that I
Survived
Myself,
My greatest adversary.
My only antagonist
Is currently just me.
I'm my own worst
Enemy.

Forget me
Just let me
Bleed it out

Forget me
Just let me
Bleed it out

Crying it out only ever
Makes the problem worse.
No one ever asks "Why are you crying?"
They only ever demand
That you stop.

You picked
A blue bloodstone
When you were younger.
You didn't know what it was,
You probably still don't.

You gave it to me
Along with a dyed blue agate.

It's funny,
Don't you think?

Bloodstone was worn by warriors
Into battle
Because they were of the school of thought
That it would aid in healing wounds more rapidly,
And that it would heal the mind as well.

So I wear it in a spiral cage
On a chain around my neck,
Hoping to hone that healing light-energy,
So that I may heal and be healed in turn.

Blue Goldstone
Is what I'm giving to you.
It provides protection against any type of harm,
And it will light your path from all things frightening.

People of Norse, Irish, and Germanic decent
Used to give it to their children
Who feared the dark.

Please,
Take the crystallized galaxy
Within it's spiral cage,
And come home to me,
Safe and sound.

You are the light
That spears my heart,
You were there
From the very start.

If I am the guiding star,
Let me find you,
Wherever you are.

In the depths of
This glistening night
You stand firmly at my left,
But it is right.

My fire is the blade
Of your lance,
And you are the
Burning, yearning
Light of my soul.

How dare you
insinuate
imply
that I look to hurt
I look to harm.

how dare you
infer
that I would ever
use ones weakness against them.

I am a monster in my own right,
over wrought with self destructive tendencies,
but do not confuse me
for something I will never be.

I would never hurt the one I love,
whether it be physically or mentally
or to emasculate.

my intent
is never malicious
and you dare to question
my motives.

a cry from a fool,
and yet I have allowed it to sliver
under my skin,
like the insect
it is.

know fully well
that my intent is kind
and my actions and words
are sincere.

leave be your wedges,
or be met with a ferocity like no other.

I am the daughter of the moon,
And those I love cannot see me,
Because they don't care to look
At what is hard to see.

I am the daughter of the moon,
I come and go with the tide.
The coyote is my brother,
We mourn and howl side by side.

I am the daughter of the moon.
I spend most nights hiding in the shadows,
The new moon can't find me
When I feel so hollow.

I am the daughter of the moon,
I am made up of constellations.
You can't see me because
Everyone else shines so bright in preparation

For all the good things they'd rather
Find
Without the promise
Of the moon in mind.

I am the daughter of moon.
I am made up with Latin words that fill my head,
Like nox, lux, and silentium.

I am the daughter of the moon,
Who had a white worry-stone
With words painted across it
To remind me not to scream.

I am the daughter of the moon,
And you can't see
Me.

You come home
Tonight.

I'll have you to hold
Tonight.

And while
I am fearful
Of the future
I am grateful
For the present.

Please be safe,
And come home to me.

You'll come home tomorrow.
You'll come home tomorrow,
But really,
For how long?
I need to wrap my head around
How temporary
My hand in yours
Is.

The very least
I can do
Is send you
On your way
To the next big
Adventure
Of your life
With a piece of me.

It's just as well
That this piece of me
Will protect you
Wherever you may go.

I just have
To make my own kind of peace
With that.

And while it hurts
To be so far
It doesn't really matter,
Now does it?

Please do not ask
If I will be okay.
I do not have any other choice.

I have an accidentally permanent kind of love,
For a purposefully temporary kind of person.

I'm used to being alone.
But loving you is different.
I rarely get the feeling
Of being alone in a crowded room
With you.

And when i do,
It quickly recedes
Because whenever you
Touch me
Kiss me
Love me

I'm okay again.

You remind me
That things can be okay
Even when it feels like
It won't be.

And
I love you so much,
And these next few days
Will be hard,
But it's all worth it
For when you come home
Friday evening.

I hope you're alright.
I hope you're warm.
I hope you're having fun.

I miss you,
But that's okay.

You speak
And though I hear you
I am blind to the color
It makes.

You touch me
And though I feel you
I am blind to the color
It makes.

I am so proud of you,
So happy for you,
But I am blind to the color
I should be feeling.

I stare at you,
Hoping to hold onto
Your smile.
The fire in your eyes.
I memorize your laughter,
Your voice,
Your diction and inflection.

And I have nine months time
To memorize you.
To hold onto you.
To fix myself enough
That you'll want to come home.

I have nine months time,
But I'm blind to the color,
I know.

And then I'll have
Nine more months,
Give or take,
Filled with missing you.
Longing for you.
Needing you.

I memorize the lines of your face.
The shimmering blue of your eyes,
And the gold that lines your pupils.
I playback your voice, your laugh inside my head.
I stare into your colors,
And beg for them to swallow me whole,
To envelop me and deliver me from this terror.

But it can't.
Because I'm blind to your colors, too.

I miss you.
Waking up without you
Is almost harder than
Going to sleep
Without you.

And nightmares plague me.
More intense in number
And in insecurities.

I'm keeping it together,
But I broke a little today.
The alarm blaring in my ears yesterday,
Along with getting lost today.
Enough was enough
When I thought you left
Your work
Without calling me,
When I brought you your cellphone.

It felt like a wave
Of pressure.
I've been trying so hard to keep it
Together.
But I'm failing,
And I'm homesick.

I'm homesick for my friends.
I'm homesick for my family.
But most importantly,
I'm homesick
For the only home I've ever known.
I'm homesick for you.

And god, it hurts to admit that.
That you being away
Hurts me so bad.
That it's so hard.
I thought I could do it.
I was sure I'd be fine.

And I am.
It's just harder
Than I'd like to admit.

I want to rip your heart out
I want to drop a match at your gasoline soaked feet.
I want to drink a glass of water while you burn.
I want to tie your hands to an angry bull,
And your feet to a red post.

I want to give you a metal pipe
And lock you outside during a lightning storm,
After dumping a bucket of water on your head.
And maybe leaving the bucket on your head.

I want to send your mother
A list of all the awful things you ever did
With signatures of mine and all your ex's swearing that it's honest.

I want to ignore the nightmares and
I want to douse myself in ignorance
And finally be blissfully unaware of your existence.

But I can't.

You always said I was too smart for my own good.

You blamed me
You pained me,
And then you just plain ol' left me.

I know all your secrets,
And you know all of mine.
I was cool with you hurting me,
But not again, not another time.

Maybe I used you as a "punching bag",
But let's not forget how you "*******".
Lots a vile words, lots of venom,
Every ounce of you filled with hate.

Blaming it on nature?
Or, dearest little thing,
That's not nature, you're just nasty,
And only bad things you will bring.

I tried to be forgiving,
I tried to stitch up myself,
But all you do is lie and hurt,
And you could use a little help.

No, you were kind of right,
But I'm kind of insane.
Trust me when I say
You'll never get my trust again.

It's the after taste of the handful of pills you take,
Every day,
Every night.

It's the headache you get after you cry,
Tears you didn't even know  you had.

It's the chalky sensation,
Of the pills in your chest.

It's the heart burn in your ribcage
That burns into your throat.

It's the vicious pain in your wrists,
Before the blade hits.

It's the hyperventilation that keeps you from seeing.

But it's the moment you realize,
That death is not painful,
Nor is it a release.

It's the eerie sense of calm,
Before the storm sets in.

You feel nothing.
You think nothing but
"This is it."

You feel as though everything has built up
To this point.

That everything you love
Has fallen apart.

It's the moment of fear that comes after,
When you decide that it was wrong
When you decide you don't want this,
When you realize what you've done.

It's getting pushed around by nurses,
After you tell them why you're there.

It's being told "You deserve this"
By the people you thought cared.

So call me a **** up.
Call me a monster.

But don't you dare call me a coward.

I have looked Death in the face and refused his offers.

I have chosen life and light above Death and Darkness.

I have come over the hill and back again,
And made amends and seen the truth.

What is right is not always easy, and what is easy is not always right.

Close your eyes,
Open your mouth.
Count how many lies
Come spilling out.

You always said
I was more of a friend
But then I spoke the truth,
And you marked me as condemned.

I was never really your daughter,
Right?
You held my head under the water,
Right?
Got my soul ready for the slaughter,
Right?

Well, no, not tonight.
I just might
Have a little more fight,
A little more spite,
A little less bark
A little more bite.

You wonder why I'm this way?
So filled with pain, so filled with rage?
You took my childhood and you let it decay,
You took my pain and put it on a stage,
Taking my story
Away from me,
Twisting my tragedy
Into your comedy.

Listen to the howling wind,
Watch my light as it begins to dim,
As my breathing begins to thin.
You ripped me apart, limb from limb,
Left my pseudo-body dead and mostly skinned.

You never knew the truth,
It got taken from you
In your youth.
You never knew the truth,
It was ripped from your gums like a rotting tooth.

Mama, did you ever love me?
Did you ever love anybody?
Why did you leave me so bloodied?
Why must you muddy
Every chance you have
At helping anybody?

Father, did you ever care?
Was life always about
Earning more than your fair share?
Things only matter
If they play on your despair,
And I'm sorry, but that game gets us nowhere.

Was I ever more than a tool?
An object to be used?
A being to be abused?

I would be playing a fool
If my eyes held more fire
Than this calm cool.

It's hard to convince myself not to care,
Apparently it's just so unfair
That my heart is so threadbare,
That my nerves only know of scares,
But you never cared,
None of this was ever for my welfare.
You twisted me with your psychological warfare,
Bringing me to my knees
As I screamed
"No one should ever care!!"
But now my name is simply a prayer,
A prayer from your lips
That will fall into the cold,
And as your eyes grow old,
It will go unanswered.
The last thing you will hear
Will be the tapping steps
Of Death's dancer.

My brain doesn't work right.

Most of the time,
I feel like I'm not real.
Like I don't exist.
But more like I don't consciously exist.
It's a very faded feeling.
It's, I guess, like being a ghost.

It's like everyone else is alive.
Like they're real.
They have real live bodies.
But, in comparison, it's like I'm not physically real.
I'm just a dull flicker of consciousness that occassionally flares into a full word.

I'm sorry, but I don't know what that word is, yet.

My brain doesn't work right.

Sometimes,
I feel too much.
Even though I might only be feeling one emotion or I might only be having one thought,
I feel all of it.
I feel everything.

I've been told that it's part of my illness.

That when people have the same chemical imbalances I have,
We feel things fifty times stronger than most people's.
Our emotions cut deeper.
Things mean more to us.

I guess that's why pretty much every great sentimental artist in history was thought to have some sort of Bipolar Disorder.

I guess, people become great and wise when they have Manic Depression Disorder.

But, I guess, only after they die.

Right now, though,
I can't bring myself to feel anything at all.

I suppose it's because some intuitive, subconscious part of myself knows that I'll be feeling much more than my fair share later.

I am that person
That is slightly off center

My moral compass
Almost always
Points North,
But I have a tendency
To get lost.

I am told that I am "good".

But please,
Define "good"?

Because there are twisted,
Inky black parts to my heart.

But I will always
Try to be stronger
Than my darkness.

It is hard to pretend
I am solely a creature of Light,
But if I don't,
Then I will cave in
And be consumed by
My own shadow.

"Darkness, real darkness, is more than just a lack of light."

I have had a glass of water
For every hour I have been home.
And for the hour I was not
I had two.

But my head still feels
Like it's being cracked open
With an ice pick,
And I haven't had a headache this bad,
Since I was scared he was going to hurt me
In the way others have before.

I remember flinching and sobbing
With "I'm sorry's"
And being curled over and hyperventilating
And begging and begging
For him not to hurt me,
Explaining how horribly sorry
I was,
And as I remember the pain,
The piercing
Grey and white pain,
I remember the fear in my heart
The fear in my being,
And that's what held me on so tight,
I was afraid of him too.

And it saddens me to say,
At that point in time
I would have done whatever
He wanted
Because fear is strong.

But now I'm giddy to tell you,
I'd love to break my fist on his face,
And I'm even happier to tell you,
Her future will not be my fate.

So today left me dehydrated,
And it didn't start off too great.

But I have wonderful news to tell my Bluebird,
If only this headache would go away.

I'd rather be dehydrated but working on it,
And deeply, madly, beautifully in love with
my Bluebird who has taught me to soar,

Than be getting screamed at
By some loser
Who doesn't care about anyone anymore.

I'm cold and afraid
That maybe i'm not all i should be.

And i feel
Dejected
And alone
Because
I can't open up and tell you
Why i'm not okay.

Because i'm not okay.

You are my light,
Calm and clear
I see you as vividly
As I know the monsters within myself.

I see horrible things,
And I've done horrible things.
But let's get something clear,
I am the only
Monster here.

And I do not say this for pity,
Nor do I say it for grace.
I say it for peace,
And to maybe save some face.

But I desperately hope
That you'll still love me so
Despite my vicious actions,
And you'll see to my good intentions.

I have a cold front,
An icy demeanor,
That I'm afraid you have yet to see.

I have no use
For my colder parts
When I am so
In love
With you.

But I'll have you know,
Any threats to my priority's
Future,
Will be eradicated
Promptly
And efficiently.

You are my priority,
And we share a future.

I love you so,
You are my light,
My love,
And I will not let
Petty little brats
Get in the way
Of that.

So still hold me
In whatever light you so find fitting,
But I am not an angel,
I am not good,
Save for my intentions.

I didn't.

I never thought rain could be a good thing.

But did you know
Did you know
I'm doing the best I can
And did you know
Did you know
The light in my heart
Has only gotten brighter
Due to you?

And even if I'm afraid
Of what the future holds,
I know that if I'm holding
Your hand
I can handle anything
The world has up its sleeve.

I can't
Breathe
I can't
Feel
The pain in my wrists
Makes my guts twist
And I cannot breathe
I cannot feel
Anything but
This anxiety
That eats me up.

Because I can't help it,
I feel sick,
I can barely lift my fingers to type,
I'm drenched in fever sweat
And cold chills
But I feel so guilty
I feel so bad

What can I say
What can I do?

I can't calm down.
I need to breathe,
But I cannot.

Why breathe
Why need
There's no purpose
No reason
I can't change
it
I can't fix
It
And I was wrong
And I am right
But what do I do
Nothing makes sense

Help.

Her birth name was Ryan,
But she was a girl
In every aspect
Except the one you wanted to believe.

And her older brother,
His name was Simon,
But we called him "D",
Short for Denial.

Because that was all he could do,
Deny life was bad.

And we loved them so much,
But when the old German man died,
They went to a new home,
And then Reese couldn't take it,
After they cut her hair
And made her wear polos
And jeans.

No more sparkly shoes,
Only white sneakers.

No more pink,
Only blue.

So she was gone,
And most of D left with her.

And when he finally faded out of this world,
Everything broke.

In March,
Literally a year later,
We found his letter that he left for us.

To this day,
When I think of anyone I love dying,
I promise myself I'll try to be with them,
Because you were so alone,
And I don't want anyone,
Especially my Reese
And Simon Jonathan Marter
To feel so alone again.

Within the foliage,
And within the sunlight,
Will you find me?

And who am I to be?
Lost in curse words and violence,
My presence is small,
But my words are bigger than me.

I am but a simple thief,
Stealing your heart,
And sooner or later,
I'll take your last name
As mine as well.

Maybe I've seen too much,
Maybe I've bled too often.
But you are the reason
Hardship is nothing
To me.

I have enough faith,
Enough hope,
That the sun will come out
Sooner or later.

Sprawl it all out on blue paper
build something new
out of these old parts of me.

I am the cold of the breeze,
the brisk of the wind.
I am the whispers at night,
where the end begins.

but find me wrapped in your blanket,
I am vulnerable and I am delicate
I am no flower
but I come pretty
****
close.

I am the sun
soaking into your skin
I am the warmth
of blue skies and sin.

I am the call
of a blue jay
at sundown
I am a sparrow
going down
going down

I am the cool touch
of dusk.
for I am the light
as it slips away.

I am the shadow
you know
all
too
well

that remains
I always remain.

you are the sunrise
in various shades of unusual purples and pinks.
you are the sunset
all the orange and red I could fathom.

you are the night sky
a never ending
royal violet
with twinkling hope
dappled careless across.

you are the song
of victory
at the end of a long fight.

you are the drum beat
that prepares me for the wars I fight daily,
and you are the reason
I win every single one.

and if I could tell you
"thank you"
for all that you've done,
and all that you are
I would need a better word
for gratitude,
and even then
I'd need a better word
than that.

Have you ever felt disposable?
Like you're only worth as much as you are useful,
And you're just not useful for that long?

Have you ever felt disposable?
Like you're great and all,
But if something better comes along
It's into the garbage you'll go?

Have you ever felt disposable?
Like you're wonderful and all that jazz,
But if the old thing starts working again,
Losing you is no great loss.

Have you ever felt disposable?
Like every person before has thrown you away
Because you were lost, or just stopped working the way they wanted you to.
You weren't useful anymore, you weren't doing the thing they wanted you to do anymore.

Have you ever felt disposable?
Because I have.
When every person that came before you
Threw me away like a broken toy,
Because they were spoiled frustrated children,
Throwing people away because they didn't work how they wanted them to.
Because I was a toy, I was not human.
And because I have feel disposable,
That means I'm afraid that at any second you could throw me away,
Even though you're not them, and they're not you,
And you're not like that at all.
Because when you look at me,
You see me as human.

Have you ever felt disposable?
Because that means you've felt the fear that the person you love most will leave,
For one reason or another.
Whether it be entirely irrational or completely unfounded,
It means that every second that passes between the text message you've sent asking them "Are you leaving me?" and their response, feels like a knife to wrists,
Draining you of every drop of blood you could possible have or create
And you get cold, and the cold makes your joints stiff, and then the stiffness makes you ache and you're not only crying out of the fear and unnecessary anxiety, but you're crying because dear God, it hurts and you can't breathe because if you breath you'll sob and only cry harder.

Have you ever felt disposable?
Because if you have you know that wearing his hoodie makes you feel wrong, because at any second he could decide to leave and if he leaves you'll never want to take it off because it's the closest thing to a hug from him you'll ever get again.

Have you ever felt disposable?
Because after being disposed of, you start thinking all these terrible things because it's what you're used to.

Have you ever felt disposable?

And i am distant enough
from those memories
that I cannot
feel a thing.

I want to protect
you
but I can barely
save myself.

my greatest fear
is that one day you'll see
that the enemy
is me.

I'm freezing cold
And nauseous
And I'm dizzy in a not-so-dizzy
Way
And I just want to be better
But I can't
I can't
I can't.

I always fail,
And within my dreams
My greatest fears come true.

But I'm still trying
To be better
If not for me
Then for you.

And you could stand
To read up on mental illness
And mental health,
And I could stand
To not be such a *****.

The room is spinning
And my throat hurts
And I'm cold
Despite the warmth of my clothes.

I wish I could explain better
How PTSD and Manic Depression
And Generalized Anxiety Disorder work,
But I can't.
I just can't.

I'll still laugh and still smile,
But depression still eats away at me,
And doubt and self destructive behaviors
Push you away
And I'm trapped inside my head
Watching something else,
The anxiety,
Take over.

And I'm screaming and crying and slamming on the bars of my prison,
But no one can hear me,
So instead the anxiety makes me push you away,
And all logic and self-preserving behaviors are thrown out the window.
I just wish I could show you
I don't mean to do what I do
It isn't my intention to hurt you,
It's my intention to hurt me,
And I don't even want to do that.

The first time I was told I had doe eyes
Was by the mother (who hated me) of a boy I very much did not love.
That was three days after she asked me
"So what are you, exactly?"

In reference to my nationality.

The first time I was told I had bedroom eyes
Was when I was living in a hotel
With my parents.
And I was cornered in the laundry room
By one of the other, much older, patrons.
He didn't leave
Until my older brother ran in and stared him down.
We didn't talk about it.

The very next day,
A girl in my class was talking to a boy she liked.
I didn't quite understand the interaction until a no-longer-friend of mine
Pointed it out to me.
He rolled his eyes away from her,
And she sulked off.
He turned towards me and said,
"I wish she was more like you. You have bedroom eyes."

I didn't understand this term until a year later,
When I was sitting in a biology class in Georgia,
And the school's premier "stud" (and ****)
Thought he would get something out of sitting next to me.
He went on to explain what bedroom eyes meant,
In vivid detail as to why I had them.
Before I could react,
One of his friends grabbed my shoulder.

I wish I could say I reached around and punched him in the stomach.

But that isn't until later.

No, I stood there, frozen, and hurriedly got up when the bell rang.

One of my only friends from that school walked me to my classes for the remainder of time that I lived there.

I move back home,
And a friend of mine likes to take pictures of me.
My favorite of them is one where I'm not making eye contact.

That friend who walked me to class
Sent me a message.
"Your new picture looks so hot."
I respond
"Thanks, I guess?"
He types back,
"Would be better if I could see those doe eyes though."
I shudder and don't respond.
He types again.
"Nudes?"
I tell him to *******,
Except in more, much more graphic and violent words,
Before blocking him.

Two years pass,
And I'm out of the relationship with the boy
Whose mother hated me
(And I hated him, and I'm pretty sure he hated me
From scars on my knuckles and bruises all over me)
A friend of mine says he wants to go out with me,
I shrug, why not?
He calls me a babe.
Tells me I have bedroom eyes.
I tell him I can't do this.
We don't talk again.

Why is it that my eyes alone
Define me as a ****** being?
I don't have to do anything,
Say anything.
Is it how I try not to make eye contact,
How I keep my eyes on the ground,
Because eye contact, I've learned
Is an invitation to some.
It means "I want to talk to you."
It means "Tell me how I look."
It means "Tell me about my bedroom eyes."
When I blink up at you with long black eyelashes,
And pouting pink lips.

Is that what they see,
When I look up?

Because that is not what I am saying.

I don't know what your doe eyes are saying but
My doe eyes are not saying that.

My doe eyes are saying
That I am fueled by a determination to live
Despite everything else.

My doe eyes are saying
That you can ******* if you don't like that,
If you don't like me.

My doe eyes are saying
No, I won't send you "pics" and I won't be seen as an object.

Because my doe eyes
Are more than just doe eyes.
They're my eyes.
And that's got to be worth something more
Than bedroom eyes.

Lots of people say that
Frankenstein's monster, Adam,
Wasn't that bad.
He wasn't that evil.
He was just lonely
And misunderstood.

But does anyone cry for
Dracula?
Did anyone try to understand that he got turned into a monster,
And spent 200 or so years all by himself,
Slowly being driven mad
From loneliness and heartbreak?

And that he only did what he did,
Because it was the only way he knew how
To make the loneliness stop?
It was a last resort,
He wasn't trying to do anything wrong.
His intentions, though selfish,
Weren't bad.

And does anyone ever pray for Lucifer?
For the one sinner who needed it most?
Maybe if someone would reach out a hand,
Some forgiveness,
And some mercy,
It wouldn't be so bad.
We wouldn't have so much evil,
Because he'd rethink his ways,
After being given the chance
To once more be in a state of grace.

But no.
We can't,
Because we're told
They're evil,
They're wrong,
And they don't deserve
Forgiveness or mercy.

I would like to think
That even the worst
Kinds of people
Can change and be forgiven.
I might be wrong,
But I have a forgiving heart.
So let me forgive those
Who need it.

(You have a confessing heart,
So let me hear what you have to say,
And I promise I will take all that pain,
All that guilt away.)

But if God is all forgiving,
And all powerful,
Shouldn't he be able to forgive
His angel who needs it the most?

And just like always
There is no equal ground,
And I'm attached
And invested
And my heart hurts
My heart yearns
And I'm curious
And bouncy
Until I learn,
There's always new flesh to be burned.

The lump in my throat
Keeps me from screaming,
And time and time again,
History will repeat itself.

Cross my heart
And I hope to live,
Because I've given
All I ever had to give.

I'm rubbing scar tissue,
Remembering days
I could have bled out.

The dizzy sensation
Of coming to,
And cursing myself
For ever thinking
I was cured.

That a promise
Could change a thing.
Well that promise
Developed into further cause.

And I hope to God,
You won't find me so odd
That you'll give up too.
I hope to God,
That you don't find this odd,
But dear lord, I miss you.

And sunshine graces the grass and pavement,
Just like when your smile graces  your features,
And I'd like to think it's me that it's meant
For.

But my glance hits the floor,
The same way I can't stand rain anymore.

Does it stir something inside you
When you make young girls cry?

Do you use their tears as some type of lubricant
For your old and tired emotions
That you claim you never had?

What about when they sob and choke
On their words as they cling to your legs,
Repeating "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, please don't go."
Over and over and over again after you've made them feel like utter ****
At their most vulnerable point?

What about when their tears stain your shirts,
Because you held them during a nightmare
That involved you doing what you're doing
Right now?

Did you care at all?
Are you the monster you said you'd never be?
I think you are.

Because you got off
On my misery.
You wanted to fight
To feel strong.

You use self destructive tendencies
And manipulative tactics
To create fake battle scars
For a war that never happened.
A war that you're trying to start.

Get off on my scars,
Use my tears to get hot,
But know that your
Need to cause melancholic pain
Wherever you go
Disgusts me and those who know
This side of you
Will leave you,
Just as you left me.

Let my tears
Give you life
While I take my life back.

I hope the last tears I shed over you,
Make you smile.
Because you never deserved them.

I breathe in.
I breathe out.

The air is cold--
Or maybe that's
Just me.

My hands are icy,
But that's nothing new.

My heart is racing,
But I have yet to hear from you.

I can feel my pulse,
But I can't feel any blood.

My wrists don't ache,
But maybe they should
And I'm confused
Because isn't that
How anxiety presents itself
In the physical form?

But maybe this isn't
Anxiety.
Or maybe I don't
Have a physical form.

I breathe in.
I breathe out.

He whispers something kind under his breath.
Something that makes me stop going towards that light.

Something like
"I wouldn't want you to keep talking to me
If it makes you uncomfortable."

And I stop and I look over my shoulder
And he's looking down at his feet,
Remembering something good,
Something fun,
Something real.

I hear him again
"You're so kind and good. I'm sorry that happened to you."

And it makes me feel sick,
Because if I'm so kind and good,
Why did you leave?

And then I hear it
Over and over and over
Like the ghost of ex's past.

"Abuse abuse abuse abuse"
All my friends and loved ones
Chanting what a monster you are.
That it was all a game
All  a sham,
An act.

That it was just an act to you.

So I turn from the light.
And walk into something I'm new to.

I walk into the warmth of
Something I don't recognize.

It's called friendship.
It's called kindness.
It's called human decency.

You should look it up.

I breathe in.
I breathe out.

Do not
Believe boys
When they tell
You they love love
Do not
Believe boys
When they tell you
They are in love with you.

Do not
Believe boys
When they tell you
They are men
After hurting you
Repeatedly
With their words
And actions.

Do not believe boys
Who claim to be men
When they push you aside
After proclaiming they want to marry you,
For other girls that hurt your most insecure parts.

Believe men
Who tell you are worthy.
Believe men
Who understand why it is wrong
To harm another.

Believe men
Who do not throw tantrums
Because something went wrong.

Do not believe
Vile children
In grown up bodies
Who think your health and comfort
Is stupid and not important.

Do not fall for blissful spring green laughter
After standing back up from
Horrific blue tornadoes,
It is too dangerous
It could be bad too.
Do not trust so easily,
Do not yearn so easily,
They could be lying too.

But in their colors you see a flare
Of pink that makes you excited,
Because you know your face is reflecting
That same color
In your complexion.

It cannot be a lie.
Not another lie.

But do not give your heart away
So easily.
Not yet.
Save it.
For now.

Do trust, though.
It will be safe
One day.

Drip
Drip
Drop

Do you hear it?

No?

Listen closer.

Drip
Drip
Drop

Can you feel it?

No?

Close your eyes.

Drip
Drip
Drop

Breathe in.

Drip
Drip
Drop

Breathe out.

Drip
Drip
Drop

Can you hear her voice?

Drip
Drip
Drop

Do you know what she's saying?

Drip
Drip
Drop

I don't think we should listen.

Drip
Drip
Drop

Did it just get colder?

Drip
Drip
Drop

Can you hear it?

Drip
Drip
Drop

It's coming from the walls...

Drip
Drip
Drop

What? No, wait--

Drip
Drip
Drop

Is that..?

Drip
Drip
Drop

She's at the backdoor.

Drip
Drip
Drop

N-no, no please!

Drip
Drip
Drop

It's so quiet.

Drip
Drip
Drop

I think it's over.

Drip
Drip
Drop

Wait...

Drip
Drip
Drop

Do you hear it?

Drip

Drip

Drop

I don't believe Frost
When he said
"Nothing Gold can Stay."

And maybe it's because
I'm not looking for Gold.

Because I don't need it,
No,
I need the red and orange sunset.
I need the blue and green seafoam.

And if nothing Gold can stay,
Then I guess I'm heading out.

I've watched pain and guilt
Cloud your colors.
And though I've never seen
Anger overtake your features,
I'm sure my fear
Will subdue it
When I flinch away.

And maybe people don't understand,
I'm a walking lie detector.

You can't fool me,
So please don't try.

I've seen the gold of your heart,
And I know it stays,
Day by day.

Sometimes gold can stay,
Believe me when
I say
I will never
Turn away.

Silently
Tears
Tend to fall.

Usually
I sob
In that ugly way.

But who cares
Who even reads
Into my words
Into my motives
Into what I'm trying
To say.

Who even cares.

Who's to say
Anyone cares,
No one says anything.

I don't mean likes,
I don't mean comments,
I mean from the people I want to
Hear speak.

It doesn't ******* matter,
Because in the end
These words are ******* worthless.

You'll never get it,
And my care will never
Be good enough
For anyone,
So who the ****
Even wants it?

Why do I even
Try?

Because I'm hoping
That one day
I'll stop feeling so rejected
When you just don't know what to say.

I say, You've come so far,
Turn away from the bars.
Don't you want to see what's next?
Please, come here, into my arms.
Step away from the ledge.

b u t  n o b o d y  h e r e   w o u l d  c a r e, i f  i   live  o r  i f  i  die.

And I say,

" How can you be,
So utterly blind?
If you were to just up and die, this world would be devoid of yet another light.
People you wouldn't even think of would breakdown and cry.

She tossed me a smile,
And I thought I got through,
But life has a way
Of playing horrible tricks on you.

She reached for my hand,
Thanked me for my words,
Promised she wouldn't make a mess upon the land
Beneath us.

I tried to grab her, pull her back.
But she slipped through my fingers, like a ghost.
I fell to my knees, my forehead on the ledge, my stomach in knots.
She didn't know, that I was the one when we lost her, I was the one who would lose the most.

I would cry the most.

Because I loved her

T h e

M o s t .