Okay okay okay okay
I know cursing isn't quite lady like
But what?

Why?

Look at all these tears!

I'm so scared,
Because I'm closer to the edge,
To the cliff that could lead to my falling or our flying
Than I thought
And holy crap *******
I'm so scared because why?

This is so familiar,
So right,
Like a warm hearth
That's always been there
I just never knew where to look
And how why what's going on
Why does this scare me so much
I don't want to be this invested,
But I'm so invested already.

What
How
Did this happen?

I'm terrified
Absolutely terrified.
Happy. Beyond happy.
But scared.
I've never had issues with commitment before,
I've never been afraid of being let down before,
But right now,
Here and now
I'm so scared.

Yeah, I hate rejection,
But that's a human thing.

I've never been so scared
To admit what I feel
But I'm so ******* scared
Holy ******* ****
What do I do?

This sense of blind panic
And fear
And the urge to physically run
As fast and as far as I possibly can
Really isn't helping my asthma.

And I'm having these miniature flashbacks
To when I was pressured into believing love was forced.
And into when I thought loving potential could count
But this is different.
I've loved before.
But it was different.
We knew it wouldn't last,
His dreams took him too far
And my dreams were too domestic.
So we didn't even try.

But **** it,
What am I supposed
To even say?

It's not about familiarity or it being simple or easy
It's about a need
A craving
To see your smile or make you laugh or better some aspect of your life
That makes even this difficult part of life,
That being my newly developing issues with committing to and expressing this feeling
Because of fear,
Refreshing.

Safe.

It's not that you're a safe bet.

It's that you're the only bet I'm willing to risk making.

Did that even make sense?

What
How
Maybe I am damaged
But **** the world if I won't try to be better,
I'm going to be better.

Hand me a needle and thread,
I'll stitch together these tears in my flesh
And pass the glue
I'll put the pieces back myself,
I just might need you around for this part too
Because I only have two hands,
And I'm a ******* mess.
But I can be put back together again.
I can do it myself, as I've said,
But having someone around to hand you the supplies
(Like sewing needles, thread, glue, scissors, and lots of gauze)
Is extremely helpful,
And kind of necessary to not get tangled in your own stitches.

I don't know how to handle this.
Maybe I'll just wait.
Should I stop nearing the edge of the cliff?
But the wind is at my back,
Almost begging me to take off.
Just go, see how far I'll make it alongside you.

It's so natural.
So necessary.
Nothing is forced,
It all just...
Happens.

How can something that feels so right,
Something so real,
Make me so scared?

Okay whatever
Forget it.
Hit the ground running,
Come out swinging,
All the cliches
With the wind at my back
I'm as ready as I'll ever be
Which means I'll never be,
But I need to be so let's go.
C'mon life.

Gimme all you got.

Don't tell me the odds,
'Cause I'll beat them.
Don't tell me the rules,
'Cause I'll break them.

I'm all about being the best I can be,
And to do that I can be none other than me.

So don't tell me the odds,
Because odds are meant for beating,
And if you tell me the odds,
That'll be our last meeting,
Because people say
Soulmates aren't real
And people say
Divorce rates are at a record high,
But I don't give up
And I don't say goodbye.

So give me a chance,
Give me a choice,
And I'll always choose you.

I do not want
To be touched.
I do not want
You to whisper sweet nothings
Into the air,
Meant for me.

I want someone to fight the world with.
Someone to see the battle
From my eye level.
Someone to raise me up,
So I can see it from theirs.

I do not want
A lover.
I do not want
Passion.

I want fire,
And fire power.

I want a comrade in arms,
I want someone to be my equal,
I want to fight alongside
Someone in this battle of life,
And stand at their level,
And be awarded
With the same valor as them.
I want the same pain,
I want to help them with their struggles,
Because I, too, have been there and theirs.

I want to fight demons off
With a blazing dagger
To protect my friend,
My colleague,
This person I want to stand up and fight with.

Do not mistake me
For a girl who wants
To be a princess.
Who wants to be a fairy.
A goddess.

I do not need the spoils of war.
I need the breath of fresh air,
The honor,
The knowing I have done right by my friends.

I do not want things and gifts and shiny bobbles.
I want to know
That through the thick mustard gas shrouded fog,
When it clears and my vision returns and oxygen finds my lungs once more,
That I can stand by someone,
And in turn they may stand by me.

And together we will feel horror at the trenches,
But when the light of day finds us,
When the enemy's white flag is raised,
We'll have each other,
And in that, even after waking up drenched in cold sweat from the PTSD-induced night terrors,
We will have peace.

BPAD
And
MDD
And
GAD
And
ADD
And
PTSD

And you wonder why I call my brain
Alphabet soup?

So many things
Going on in my head
And while I am astonished
That you love my insanity,
I am even more bewildered,
That you've somehow
Come across the parts of me
That are sane.

And I struggle from time to time
Finding bits and pieces
Of sanity
And putting it back together,
But you help
With casting light on those parts
More than you could ever know.

And I feel like
My chest is too tight
And like
My throat is closing
And like
I need to rip my heart out,
It's beating too fast.

But even on my worst days,
You still find ways to show
That you love me,
And I could never be more grateful
To you--

For holding me through anxiety attacks,
For wiping away tears,
For making me smile
When I forget that I can.

I know you hate when I thank you
For things you think you're supposed to do,
But no one before you
Wanted to.

And no,
Love can't heal my disorders.
But it sure does help me
Along the way.

I don't know how long forever is,
I'm not saying I do.
I guess you can't measure time
In such a heartfelt way.

But I do know this,
I'm real glad I didn't die
Before I told you I love you.
And maybe that's a little morbid,
A little strange to say,
But it's true.
I'm glad I failed
When I tried.

And I'm curious if you know,
Every day I'm with you
Is the first day
To the rest of my life.

And I guess I just didn't know,
How every part of you is my home
Until a month ago.

I'd love to travel the world,
But I wouldn't want to
If I wasn't by your side.
What's the point in seeing
All the sights
If I can't love you,
Right?

And I want to share it all
With you.

I don't know
How long forever is,
But I sure do know
I want to spend it all
With you.

I'm real glad
I'm alive,
It's easier to love you
With a heartbeat.

Don't you recognize me?

Don't you see it?

It's me, the monster you made.

It's me, don't you see?

You created this.

I have no rage left for anyone else.
I have no venom for anyone else.

All this toxicity,
All this poison,
It's all yours.

Every spider crawling up your spine,
Every chill choking at your throat,
Every burning tear leaking out
Of your yellow, bloodshot eyes.

It is I,
It is me,
The monster you made.

How can I tell you
all the things I wish you knew?

like how when your voice takes an edge
and I have to bite my lip to keep from flinching?

or how I wish I was calmer or that I wish you would pay me more mind?

or how I look into your eyes
and see universes beyond this one?

or how your smile fills my heart just right
and your laugh makes it over flow?

how can I tell you?

that your kiss feels like the birth of a thousand new stars
or that your hand in mine is exactly what I imagine home should feel like?

how am I supposed to tell you
without breaking?

You know how they say
That if you pinch yourself
And it doesn't hurt
That you're dreaming?

Well I think
The same thing goes for love.
We get angry and hurt
Because we feel so deeply,
And we're so vulnerable
So it's easier for things
To scrape at the raw parts of us.

Not to say
That being angry
And being hurt
Should be common.
Just to say
Love makes people
More reactive.

I get hurt because I feel like
You don't let me in.
And I get hurt
Because sometimes it feels like
You don't care
Or don't pay attention.

And it's alright,
It's okay.
I'll be fine,
Anyway.

But I know you care,
I know you wouldn't lie to me about that.

But within my dreams
You leave me
Because I don't stir a fire in your heart,
And I don't feel like home to you.

I pray to the God you don't believe in
That all of that isn't true.

Within a dream
Last night
I felt the terror
Of the bitter sting
Of jealousy.

I don't normally feel
Things like jealousy
Any longer,
But the pang of envious
Resentment was there and true.

I don't remember
The majority
Of the dream,
But the horrible negative emotion
That stirred inside me
Seems to have stayed
And is eating away at my insides.

If I were any
Of the seven deadly sins
Personified,
I would be Wrath,
Simply put.

Envy's vices
Have nothing on the rage
That builds within my veins
Based upon a
Green eyed monster.

And if I were the beast
My ire makes me feel like,
There would be no kind, lovable parts of me
Left but instead
Sharp needles and claws,
Guttural growls and sharp,
Locking teeth.

I do not want to be
The person this feeling
Makes me become.
Spitting poisonous insults
Like how some snakes spit venom.

A large vocabulary
Simmering down into
"expendable, vapid strumpet!"
And
"horrid glutton!"

No, I cannot allow myself
To fall down the path of
Pointless rage and begrudging resentment.

For it was just a dream,
Nothing more
And nothing real.

Close
Your
Eyes

Think.
Dream.
Disappear.

If you are the sunlight,
Then I am the grey.
If I am the nighttime,
Then you are the day.

There are
Parts of
This world
Where you
Can't be found.

There are
Parts of
This world
Where you
Are found.

There are
Things
Deeper
And darker
Than I,
So maybe
I am not
So bad.

There are things
Deeper
And darker
Than you,
Than what you've
Been through,
So maybe
We aren't
So bad.

If you can find
Light in my
Sunset eyes
Then I can find warmth
In the fire within yours.

Close
Your
Eyes.

Think.
Dream.
Appear.

*If you are the sunlight,
Then I am the grey.
If I am the nighttime,
Then you are the day.

I only knew rain,
before I met you.

and when we were gone,
rain was all I knew

and I softened
at your smile.

my heart began to really beat
for the first time in awhile.

and while nothing held up for long,
no umbrella or teru teru bozu,

all I seemed to have needed
was to somehow be part of you.

and though the rain
seemed relentless,

you came along
and made the sunshine endless.

Drown me in love,
Drown me in music
Let the melody
Carry me
Away.

Drown me
In paper valentines,
Drown me in USB drives
Filled with your music.

Drown me in heartfelt apologies,
Drown me in "I miss you's" and "I love you more's".

I want to inhale
Exhale
Inhale
Exhale
And I want my oxygen
To be replaced
With love for you.

Drown me in love
In kisses,
In loving embraces.

You are the light
Within the darkest nights
I've found.

So my phone's battery is flashing,
and we're watching a movie I've seen a thousand times.
Anxiety's eating away at me
Because I want to make a good impression
and the thought of being in the town of
Leesburg scares me a lot.

But with you by my side,
And maybe a pen and paper
I think I'll make it just fine.

But the desire to hide under a blanket
And wish the world away
or at least that part of town,
is tempting.

Echo back to me
Sweeter songs
Than I sing.

Echo back to me
Words softer
Than the words
I speak.

I'm not quite as
Good as I'm sure
You thought I was.

Not quite as
Exciting
Not quite as
Perfect.

But **** it,
If I won't try
To live up to
Whatever expectations
You might have had
Of me.

And if I fail,
At least I fail
Trying my heart
Out.

I have eleven years in my possession,
All of which I spent loving you,
And drowning in various fantastical obsessions.

I have eleven whispers of regret,
Eleven whispers of doubt,
Eleven whispers of "turn around."

I have eleven months in my possession,
Eleven months of good intentions.

I have eleven screaming words
Piercing my ear drums.
Tell me that you don't care,
You won't care.

I have eleven days in my possession,
Eleven days this will go without mention.

I have eleven needless thoughts,
Pushing and pushing until my eyes flood with tears.
You won't notice.

I have eleven itching scars on just my hands and arms in my possession,
Of all the times I needed someone,
But there was no one to hear my amnesia-esque confessions.

If I had to take one lesson away from life, it would be that love conquers all. Now, I know that sounds corny, but please, hear me out. Love runs the world, whether it's platonic, romantic, selfless or selfish. Love is the motive for all things.

And most excitingly so, if you find the kind of selfless, end-all-be-all kind of romantic, best-friend-where-have-you-been-all-this-time kind of love, there's some stuff you have to know. It is almost impossible to find someone who feels the same way about you in a way that is even somewhat compatible with your way of thinking.

So when you find that type of love, when you fathom that feeling and find yourself having the burning desire to show it and act on it time and time again, drop everything. Let go of your preconceptions and inhibitions. Jump into it like you're blind to everything else. This is it. This is what everyone spends their time on Earth searching for, hoping for. And you've found it.

So you know all that guilt you hold on to, all that anxiety about everything you've ever done that is somewhat wrong? Let it go. And hold on to this love, this fresh start, this life-changing desire to be good for someone, like you've never held onto anything before in your life. Hold on as tight as you can, and never ever let it go. I promise it will still be there when you fall in.

Because I know this as a fact, when it's right, it's right. And this fantastic destiny, this beautiful serendipity, this red-string-of-fate theory, it all gets proven right with this. This is the reason it didn't work out with anyone else. This is it.

Are you holding on tight? Good. Now jump. Because if I know anything else about life, it's that if you wait until you're ready, you'll be waiting for the rest of your life.

Life is all about the endeavor
To say it now or never,
In order to find your forever--
Even still, however,
You won't find it here or there or whichever,
But if you don't look, your heart will dissever,
Upon anxious and angry "It's whatever."'s.
But you won't find them whatsoever
If you open your heart to just whoever,
But trust yourself, and you can find them wherever.

Enough,
I scream to the sort of opposite of my conscience.
Enough..
I whisper as the cruelty of my mind recedes,
But only for a moment.

I want to be more valuable than material goods,
And monetary means.

I want to be better, and stronger,
And someone you're terrified of losing.

Because I'm so scared of losing you,
That it strangles my vocal chords,
And sits on my chest,
Attempting to puncture my lungs.

I am tired.
Tired of fighting it,
The voice in my head that coos and growls,
You're not good enough.
You'll never be enough.
Everyone finds someone better,

And I'm sick of thrashing violently against it's hold.
I'm sick of writhing beneath it's grasp on me,
Because my heart screams that I deny it,
My heart shouts that I have to fight back.

But I'm the only one doing the fighting here.

And I'm so, so tired.
I'm tired of not being enough.
Whether it be good enough
Or enough to make someone want to stay.

All I can do,
Is tell that voice:
ENOUGH!**
With all the fire left in me.
Because I've had enough
Of beating myself down.

But even that shout,
That strong-willed show of disobedience,
Just isn't enough.

"I am ethereal,
"I am strong,
"I am dazzling
"Like the bursting and dying stars
"Within a galaxy," I whisper to myself,
With a blanket over my head,
Wiping the onslaught of tears
From my eyes.

They cascade like rushing water,
And my lips tremble,
Trying to stop
The choking sob
Within my throat.

The nightmare's panic
Washes over me,
Like the tide of the ocean being pulled by
A full moon,
And the sickening scent
Of icy salt water.

I pull the blanket
Tighter around my shoulders,
And I say a silent prayer
To an Entity
I only speak to as a friend.

"Let me be ethereal,
"Let me be strong,
"Let me be dazzling,
"Like the bursting and dying stars
"Within a galaxy."

And I continue,
"But do not let me be so,
"For myself.
"Rather, allow me to be ethereal,
"Strong,
"Dazzling like bursting and dying stars,
"In the eyes of those I love."

And it may be wrong to seek approval,
And I'm not doing so, because
I know I am ethereal.
I know I am strong,
and Dazzling like bursting and dying stars
Within galaxies.

Those that cannot handle it
Do not deserve it.

But I wish to be
A spiraling, airy, colorful light
That you see in the deepest depths
Of another world,
Within the realms
Of heavenly bodies,
Simply for the fact
That I wish to be better than the good I am,
So I may be good enough,
To match your light
That has become so bright
As to cast out all my dark.

No, I don't think
I have a smile
people are addicted to seeing,
and no,
I don't think
I'm your dream girl,
and no, I don't think
you'd get stuck on me.

but I do think
I'm worth your time,
and yes, I do think
I can brighten your day.
and while I have a tendency
to fall into insecure patterns,
I do happen to think
that I don't have to be pretty like them.
I can be beautiful
like me.

and I'm not the best,
but if anything,
I am beautiful like the stars.
dangerous if you edge too close,
scarred in a sense,
but whole entirely, even still.
I am strong,
lovely,
and ethereal.

I am worth every second
of the attention I so desire,
of the affection I so desire.

I am bright,
I am good,
I am sweet and kind,
and I am stronger
than I am given credit for.

Throughout time
And space
And stardust,
There has been
A mystifying
Phenomenon
Where people lose themselves
Within their sins.

******* away
Into shards of glass and galaxies,
We are the disappearance of inhibitions,
And the birth of the notion
That love is unconditional.

Find me in the sunlight,
Find me in the starscape.
Lose me in the love of the night,
Lose me in the escape.

All that is good,
And all that is right,
Left me with moonstones for eyes,
And a missing piece of my heart.

But I've found it within you,
And I've found my light in the galaxy of your eyes.

We are of stardust,
And because of that
I only know of light,
Just remember that light can burn.

Go supernova
Within my soul,
Twilight reds
And midnight blues
Lead me back to you.

I wanted to be
Exceptionally different
Exceptionally profound
Exceptionally amazing.

But I am left to face
The mediocrity
Of my existence
And yet I'm okay
With it
Because
Why shouldn't I be?

I'm a nobody
No one
For now.

But just because I don't feel the urge
To send myself spiraling after people
Whose only intentions are to break me
Doesn't mean I'm heartless
Doesn't mean I feel less
Doesn't mean I'm useless.

And no,
I'm not angry.
This isn't anger.
This is a realization
That I am okay
With who I am
And where I am
And that I don't need
Exceptionally painful
Reminders
To keep going.

I don't need to forget,
But I don't need to relive
All that has been done.

I have found
That I am content
With
The life I lead of introspection and unsaid monologues
On feelings I won't profess because they were never cared to be heard of,
And consideration and compassion
For all beings
Even those that have left me scarred and burned.

I am euphoric
With being a lover of words
And a lover of my Bluebird.

I am gladly living
A life of stubborn pride
And gentle smiles
And kind tones,
Holding the hand of another
Who would gladly walk hand in hand beside me.

I wanted to be
Exceptionally smart
Exceptionally beautiful
Exceptionally skilled,
But instead,
It seems
I am
Exceptionally happy.

If you had waited for me
Just a little longer
These angelic wings
Could have
Been yours
Too.

I will never be
Given vast displays of affection.
I will never make that kind of connection.
I will only ever be me,
My own worst enemy.
I will always come face to face with my own pale complexion,
Never reaching perfection,
In fear of this self-inflicted constant rejection.
Some kind of hell I've made, constructed so carefully.

And haven't you heard?
Just like always,
I have broken wings,
And I'm just a little bird,
In search of steadfast praise,
To heal my threadbare heartstrings.

I can't do anything.
I can't help.
I can't fix it.
I can't even be a decent friend.

We haven't spoken in months,
Seen each other in even more,
But I still care so much
I want to help so bad.

But as always,
I'm too far away
And I don't even have the right words
To fix it
Or soothe your anxious brain.

I don't have any solutions
No matter how hard
I try to pull my hair out
I cannot solve this problem
And I can't even be there
To comfort you.

I am a terrible friend.

I could easily fake
Being socially acceptable
I could easily accept
Falling into a well-received
Stereotype.

I could be pigeon-holed.

But then I'd be a liar.

And I'll never do that.

He was smiling,
But I know that smile.
That's the
"Thinking about something else, someone else. Are we done yet?"
Smile.

He made a silly face,
But I know that face.
That's the
"How many likes can this get, how much immediate gratification can I get?"
Face.

He held her close,
And I cringe.
Not because it hurts,
No.
I cringe because I feel pity for the poor girl.
I know that body language.
That's the
"You are a possession,  you are an item."
Way he holds his arms.
That's the
"You're a trophy, you're my possession."
Way he props his shoulders.

I don't appreciate her friends
Sending me pictures of them together,
But after blocking them,
I push down the urge to save her.
It's not my business, it's not my place.
Hopefully he changed for her.

But I know that the self-serving monster
That he is
Will always somehow survive.

Of course, what do I know?
He was a blip on my radar of life.
A single year gone to waste.

His wounds won't last
So deep.

To spread reptilian wings
and fly with fire in their wake.
to blink amber eyes
and to hoard
things of knowledge and things of care.

to burst into flame
and be reborn
to be free of bonds
that destroyed them.

So I know
You know
That I believe in fate.

But please understand,
When I say I believe in fate,
I only believe that we are fated to do
The things we would just end up doing anyway.

So I want you to know
I would love you
In this world
Or that world
Or the one before
Or the one after.

In this universe,
Or that multiverse.

No matter the time
Or the place
I would find you,
And I would love you
Just the same.

I made the decision
To face my fears
And love you.

But I know that
I would love you
Whether I decided to face those fears
Or not.

Sometimes there are things
That are meant to happen.
And even if they weren't,
We would make them happen anyway.

I've never had a good relationship with my father.

The moment I started forming opinions of my own,
The moment I started to spit fire and venom,
Instead of smile in a sugary sweet way at every turn,
He decided I wasn't really worth all the effort,
Or any kindness whatsoever.

He thinks I know too much,
Or I know too little.
He thinks I talk too much,
Or I talk too little.

He thinks I'm too cold,
Or foolishly warm.
He thinks I'm too open,
Or much too closed off.

My father cares more about a bottle,
Than he ever cared about me.
And you wonder why I have trouble
Bringing myself to drink.

And the thing I hate most about me,
Is that I prefer the smell of books
Over the smell of flowers,
And that I prefer the typing of a keyboard
Over the notes of a piano.
I'd drink scotch over wine,
Every time.

And that's my father's blood
Running through my veins,
And I hate the person
He's made.

I am cold and I don't trust.
I don't smile and I don't laugh.
I have a hot temper
And I always react.

My father is the type of guy
Who goes on and on about being liberal,
But thinks dancing wrong
Or touching someone the wrong way
Is an invitation
For ***.

And if I disagree,
We fight and we fight,
And he's ashamed of me,
But I don't care anymore.

And you can agree with any point he's made,
But you disagree with one key factor
And you're the enemy,
And you're wrong.

He thinks people who are on medication
Are always wrong.
And he thinks people who don't take meds,
But need them,
Are batshit.

My father doesn't care about
Others feelings
Or the damage he does,
He sometimes only cares about
His pride
And his ******* scotch and *****.

I am hot headed
And stubborn.
I am a smart aleck,
And I'm way too sarcastic.

But I am my father's daughter.

And I hate the person he's made.

My favorite color is green.

It has been since I first discovered how lively the shade could be.

My favorite character of all time in anything ever is Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist.

His determination and short-lived angry outbursts will always mean something to me.

My favorite animal character is Simba from the Lion King, or Kovu from the second one.

My favorite book is a tie between To **** a Mockingbird by Harper Lee and Dracula by Bram Stoker.

My favorite poet is T.S. Eliot, my favorite poem by him is The Hollow Men.

My favorite poem is by Charles Bukowski. It's called Bluebird.

Bukowski speaks to me because he's a sarcastic **** that's seen way too much, and everything he writes is practically satire on how human behavior is selfish but beautiful.

My favorite work of Edgar Allen Poe's is the Black Cat.

I despise all works of Robert Frost's besides "Nothing Gold Can Stay", mainly because I disagree with him. Sometimes gold can stay.

Peculiar and Juxtaposition are my favorite words.

I'm excellent at certain subjects (science, Literature) and horrible at others (math, history). I love science because I'm illogical and creative but vividly clear at all points in time. I am horrible at history because I get angry that so many people were hurt.

My favorite war in American history to learn about was the Civil War, because there are so many things we are unsure of. I have a three thousand page encyclopedia on it at my foster parents house.

My favorite tea is green jasmine tea with two and half teaspoonfuls of sugar for every eight ounces.

I count yellow cars, and then have vivid flashbacks to things I don't want to remember.

I have tiny routines that root from obsessive compulsive behaviors that come with being Bipolar. I have manic depressive disorder, to be specific.

When I hold hands with someone, my wrist needs to be behind theirs. I like feeling small and safe, and I'm childish when I feel safe.

I hate being called small or being treated like a child. I have a height complex, because I am small. I also have a hero complex. I want to protect people.

My favorite food right now is probably the katsu chicken one of my best friends made one night when I hadn't eaten for over forty eight hours.

I only eat instant ramen if I can make it spicy, but only the chicken one because the shrimp one always makes me sick.

Apple cider is my favorite winter drink.

My favorite writing platform is a chalkboard or pavement.

My favorite writing utensil are either chalk markers or chalk itself.

I count down the minutes until good things happen.

I take a kind of relaxation after the headache after I cry too hard passes. The relief is beautiful.

I laugh a lot, yell a lot, and cry a lot.

When I feel too strong an emotion, positive or negative, I yell. I don't always have the best control of my volume, seeing as I'm usually very quiet.

I try to manage money and time but I'm horrible at both.

I cry when I'm happy and sad and angry because I feel too much too often.

I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Name a thing, I bet I can make it bad.

"If" is my least favorite word.

I don't generally say things unless I am 100% certain, because I can never be 100% in anything else.

I have PTSD.

My favorite coping skill is writing, baking, or holding a stuffed animal. Pillows don't count.

I used to carry dolls wherever I went because I was of the mindset "***** what everyone else thinks, I need to feel safe."

I don't always feel secure, but safe is a start.

I've learned I am a better person
Than I've thought.

So I think of my favorite things,
And think "If these are the parts of me
That make up who I am,
Then I cannot be so bad."

I am nothing like
My favorite poets.

I am nothing like
Bukowski,
With his hopeful cynicism
And distaste for most things.

I am nothing like T.S. Eliot,
And his pompous pride and hatred for
All things American (though he was American by birth.)

I am not an addict like Poe,
Nor filled with satirical sass like Oscar Wilde.

I am somewhere lost within the imagery of Emily Dickens
And the love of the world around us like Frost.

Or maybe I am all
Or maybe I am none,
But either way,
The angst always wins out.

Maybe I just want to be good enough.
Maybe I just want to be told that I am enough.
Maybe I just want to be anything but forgotten.

Maybe I just want to not feel like I have to run away,
Maybe I just want to feel like I belong.
Maybe this is hard for me to say,
But maybe it's been this way all along.

Because maybe I want you to see me,
And maybe I want you to hear me.
And maybe I just want to be me,
And maybe, if you could just love that part of me.

Then maybe I'd be okay,
And maybe I wouldn't want to push you away.
And maybe if I felt lovable,
Then fcking maybe I'd be stronger and more able.

Because, fcking maybe, if my parents didn't fck me up.
And, fcking maybe, if those ******* didn't use me,
And maybe
Just maybe
If I could heal at the rate you want to see results
Things would be better,
I'd be better.
But I can't.

Too good to be true,
You're too lovely to be real.
I can't believe
Or maybe I just won't.

But I want to,
I want to.

You are a light,
A hope,
An honest sense of
Reality I've need and been waiting on
For much too long.

Tears sting
Behind my eyes.
What di I do,
What could anyone ever do,
To deserve someone as
Beautiful as you?

I'm astonished,
To think that
I am worthy of your care
And it's a hard to swallow truth
That I am the one you intend
To spend forever with.

I am shaking,
And maybe it's
Disbelief,
And maybe it's
Fear,
Because I cannot lose you,
The thought eats me up,
Tears me to shreds,
Breaks parts of me
That have always
Been whole.

But I have not lost you,
And I will not lose you.

And I am dreaming of a place
After a year from now at least,
Where my hand is held in yours
Not as a best friend and your girlfriend,
But rather a best friend and your wife.

You cannot ban
Demonize
Villainize
A person
Or idea
Just because
You're scared of it.

People are scared
Of a whole lot
Of stupid things.

Some people are afraid
Of falling in love.
Others are afraid
Of commitment
And knowledge
And change.

I am afraid,
For example,
Of the dark
And of the unknown.

That might have been redundant.

But I like plans.
And back up plans.
And back up plans for my back up plans.
My constant questioning and curiosity
Has turned into a vicious cycle of
"What if"
And doubting myself
And everyone I know.

I have recently become reacquainted
With someone I have never doubted,
And I still have yet to doubt him.
I hope that day never happens.

It's strange,
The only bad feelings I have
Are if I have offended him
Or are caused by my own trauma.

I'm not trying to say he's perfect,
Because no one is perfect,
But that's what makes it great.

Because you can see a flaw in someone
And normally greatly dislike it,
But it's not so bad
In this one person.

Love is not
Being blind to flaws.
That's being a liar.

Love is seeing flaws
And loving because of them when things are good,
And loving even though they're there when things are bad.

But humans are afraid
Of the unknown.
So we're afraid of bright happy things
And acceptance
And kindness
And compassion
And empathy that goes so very far.

We're afraid to help others,
And our fear turns to hate
And it's disgusting.

So push me with your lies
And cold behaviors.
Call me cold,
Call me a *****
For not chasing you
Like the runaway you want to be.

But you cannot chase people
Who do not want to stay,
And you, darling dear, never had any intention of staying.

My fear that no one intends to stay,
Though rational,
Cannot continue to be.

So continue running from people who only wanted to help,
Continue hurting people who did nothing,
Continue fighting due to fear,
And continue killing because you're afraid.

I will continue to be here,
On my adventure that is life,
With those who intend
To tag along and stay along.

It's funny,
Because I have gypsy blood in my veins,
I do not fear anything at all,
(Or I'm not supposed to)
Except being stuck in the wrong place
For a little too long.

I have bruises
On the inside
That grow to the outside.
I have bruises on my heart,
That grow inside my mind.

I have bruises
On my thighs
And scratches
On my shins.

All these things
From dreams I can't unsee.

I dreamnt that I couldn't save any of them,
Because I didn't.
And I woke up in your arms,
Feeling guilty,
And afraid of myself.

Nothing feels real,
And that's my fault.

I could list off the reasons why you shouldn't love me,
But I know that you do,
And who am I to change your mind?

And I guess it all reminds me,

I've got running away running through my veins,
But I'd like nothing more than to stay.

So stay I will.

You lift your wings
All blue and white and silver
And you take to the air
As though there's nothing to it.

And,
While in awe
I gaze upon your feathers,
All slick with the eager urge of flight,
And some missing pieces
From flights that turned to falls.

And I glance upon my own wings,
Still somewhat fluffy and down-like,
Most of the more mature, darker feathers,
Bent and missing parts because
I've never flown before,
I've barely even had the illusion of flight like you have.

But you take to the air,
And you soar.
And I gape at the sunlight bouncing off the various shades
Of blue.

There's the icy aqua
And the deep sapphires,
Along with the midnight, almost black.
And my favorite, the bright seafoam turquoise,
And the darker teal that looks emerald if you stare at it just right.

And don't even get me started
On the  contrast of the silver
And the white
Streamlining against the pleasant blues
That fill my heart with calm.

I watch as you spiral, and hover, and dive
And then pull yourself back up and into the air
Waiting for me to join you.
And once I did, I wobbled and I shook and I was terrified
To jump off that cliff,
But here I am,
Soaring, flying,
Right here beside you,
Holding my own fairly well.

And even still, after years of being in awe
Of the memory of your feathers,
I am even more in awe and filled with love
For the way you fly with me.

Red,
Like the sunset.
Orange,
Like the clouds.

Green,
Like seafoam.
Blue,
Like the sea.

Cold,
Because you're guarded.
Warm,
Because you choose to be.

Cheeks flushing pink or red or burgundy,
Shock of a ginger touch on raw hearts,
Fear of being left, fear of leaving.

Stupid fights,
Stupid hurt.
Resolve quickly,
Softly.
No yelling,
No accusations.

Leaving me dumbfounded
At things being handled
Lovingly
Calmly
Gently.

How damaged must I be
To think this kindness is strange?

Lace pastel pink dress
With a high collar.
It buttons in the back,
So there's a keyhole cut out.

Little brown
Wicker heeled
Sandals.

Silver chain,
Butterfly locket,
With a movie ticket inside.

My toe nails
And finger nails
Are painted black
As night.

The top of the dress
Conforms to my hourglass
Figure,
And the bottom of the dress
Flows out.

A golden ring given to me
By my mother
On my finger,
Studded with diamonds
Or some stone that is similar.

I am feminine,
I am soft.

Sometimes I am fragile,
But do not ever mistake
My being feminine
For my being weak.

Weak is not a world
You could accurately use
To describe me.

Today,
For about an hour,
I'll be going back to a town
That strikes fear into my core.

Over top my lace dress,
I will wear my Bluebird's sweatshirt,
The one with his last name on the back,
So that all will know the scowl on my face,
Is not marked by any circumstances
Other than those unfortunate souls who reside in the town.

I will be elegant,
Ethereal,
And stronger
Than steel.

I want to twirl like constellations
In your eyes
I want to shimmer and shine
And I'll be just fine
If you promise you won't leave
Tonight.

So I'm kind of like the weather,
On the good days,
I'm great,
And on the bad days
I'm the worst.

But when I'm bright,
I'm the brightest star,
I am all smiles and sunshine and green grass
And birds singing
And flowers blooming,
How I'd love to be a flower
So I could be beautiful.

But flowers wilt,
And clouds roll in,
And I can be the storm
That destroys everything you loved,
And you fight it or you leave it,
But in the end
There's only destruction in my wake.

But sometimes
In order for things to grow
There needs to be fire,
There needs to rain,
So the grass and trees can grow greener.
So the flowers can really bloom.

I am good,
And I am bad,
Not everything has to be
Wrong or right,
But I don't do grey
Very well.

I remember how it felt
When I looked at you
Before your eyes met mine,
When I saw you again
After seven (gruesome) years.

It felt very final.
I knew I loved you,
But I kept thinking
All through out lunch,
"This is it. The end all, be all."

The thing is, I knew.
I knew that when I saw you
While I was crossing the street
From the apartment complex to the restaurant, while my heart was exploding
With giddy butterflies, that this was it.
That it was you.
That there wasn't going to be anyone else.
And maybe there never was.

At least, not for me.

I looked at you the same way on Saturday afternoon.
It felt very final.
Even though I felt like there were a thousand sirens going off in my head,
There was one part of my mind that was silent, save for one fact.
That it was you.
That it had always been you.
There never was anyone else.

At least, not for me.

I'm not like you.
We're two very different creatures,
I tried to tell you this after I placed the things
I felt the need to return to you on our bed.
I tried to tell you that you deserve someone like you.
Because you do.
You deserve, at the very least, to be understood.

I am not like you.
I do not have primal, instinctual attraction.
I cannot look at others as though they
Are plausible mates.
I can't do this, because they aren't.
I have you, and only you.

I am not like you.
You, who can set down roots
And make a home out of wherever
Your head rests.

I cannot root myself,
I don't know how to have a home.
I've got wandering in my blood,
My bare feet were made for running away.
I don't know how to make roots.
I don't think I ever knew.

On Saturday (and every day since),
I have looked at you with the same finality that I had when I saw you again for the first time.
The same love.
The same longing to be able to make you my home.
The same remorse and guilt I always feel when I have to get up and leave what I love, because I simply cannot stay.

Because I don't know how to have a home, and it is a fools game to try to make a home out of a person.

I was trying to leave, because people like me don't deserve people like you. People like you, who are good and patient and compassionate, and have hearts made from gold, and souls stitched from clouds. People like you shouldn't spend time on people like me. People like me, who are petty and volatile and selfish, and have broken glass for hearts and souls made out of ash and smoke.

I was trying so hard to do the right thing,
For once.
To be selfless,
For once.
To give you a chance at a better life.

But then, with tears in your eyes,
You asked me to stay.

And I don't know why you would want someone like me to stay. Someone who runs as far as they can, constantly. Someone who can't make the sun come out from behind the clouds.

But when I looked at you,
I hated myself for putting so much dark pain in your bright blue eyes.

So, I looked at you like I've been looking at you. I took in every detail. I took note of every part of your face I had never told you I loved, even though I do. Like the bridge of your nose, or your cheek bones or the way your eyelashes brush against your cheeks when you blink, or how your hair sometimes curls into a swoop on your forehead. Or how your eyebrows are never really all that messed up but you always have at least one hair sticking out of place. Or how your jaw tightens when you're upset and trying to control it, and it makes your chin poke out just a little bit. Or how you flatten your lips into a line when you're thinking, or when you bite them when you're trying not to feel.

Or how your tears made the blue in your eyes brighter, and it reminded me what it was about rain I used to find so beautiful.

I was looking at you, and have been looking at you,
Like it was the last time.
Because you never know when that will come.

So, I was selfish.

And even though I had caused those tears, you asked me to stay.

And I don't know how to stay.
I don't think I ever did.

But for you, I could learn.

There's fire in my blood.
And I bleed ashes when it's too late
To clean up the flames.

There's fire in my blood,
Haven't you heard?
When I die,
You'll be haunted by the smell of smoke,
Not perfume.

There's fire in my blood,
And it makes me born again
Born again
Born again
And repeat.

There's fire in my blood,
And when you cut me open,
You'll see the smolder
Of embers,
That will burn through your flesh,
Because I'll get too close.

There's fire in my blood,
And it burns and burns away
My impurities,
Leaving me with thoughts of soot and clarity.

Didn't you hear
The news?
There's fire in my blood,
And my blood courses swift,
And I only burn what I touch.

You can't smoke me out,
The fire in my blood
Makes my throat sore
With all the black smog.

Touch me with cold hands,
Let me warm the ice in your veins,
Ignite the fire in your eyes.

I'll show you,
That fire is okay,
If you show me
That ice can be useful.

Let me melt away
The walls you so insist on having,
And I'll keep the flicker of my flames
On a low smolder.

There's fire in my blood,
And like an inferno I'll burn and never go out.
There's fire in my blood,
But hold me close,
I promise not to burn you.

Winter blows through my heart
Like the way I remember the sunset
Sitting up in the trees
I never could climb on my own.

And I'm frozen,
Freezing,
Thinking back to late winter,
Early spring,
When my home was the smell of
Yellowing paper, ink stained hands,
And the taste of thunder on my lips.

Sometimes there's a sense of some kind
That strikes right through your skin
And ignites a type of fire in your bones.
Sometimes it's when it's so cold
That you feel all light receding,
And there's nothing but the memories
That tear you down.

And sometimes,
Most of the time, honestly,
I spend my days waiting
For the warmth of sunlight
That sends the fire in my bones
Into a warm frenzy,
And ignites me into
The person
I am meant to be.

Fire is something that most people with common sense tend to fear.
It only destroys, says all the rationality.
It's said that fire only leaves embers and ashes
In place of things that were once colorful and filled with life.

But I will throw caution to the wind,
Along with the thick, black smoke from my burning soul.
For the fire in your eyes
Warms the ice in my heart,
To the point that I melt into something
Pliable and warm.

The frost-filled territorial rage that devours me whole,
Is replaced by the warmth of combining two souls.

And if it is foolish
To fall for the fire in someone's eyes,
Then paint me a fool,
Then paint me burned,
For the fire in your eyes
Warms my soul
For eternity.

I don't fit
Very well
With most people.

I am shy, and sweet.
Strange and terrifying.
Small and delicate.

I am something that
Most people do not know
How to love.

And that's okay.

I don't need their love.

I don't need to fit.

*But, God, do I want to.

I really hope that
no matter how far the distance
between us
that my heart will always be yours
and that yours will always be mine.

I really hope that
we can always never grow up together.
and that you'll always find me
in my darkness
and that I may always find you
in yours.

I hope you know
you'll always be my person,
my light, and my Bluebird.
even if I seem lost to you,
I will forever be yours,
and no one elses.
I always have been,
and always will be.

anyone who tries to say otherwise
can ******* fight me.

W
    H
       Y

Would we

B
   O
       T
          H
              E
                 R

With gentle touches,
And loving gestures
When I just flinch away
Or am too scared to ask for
Any help.

W
   H
      Y

Do you

B
   O
       T
          H
              E
                 R
                     ?

I guess it's because
You care.

Strange.

Still new to me.

I learned to fly,
And I wish I had done it easily,
Part of me wishes it was done painlessly,
But I don't generally go for easy,
I don't really do painless.

I found that by ripping memories from myself,
And seeing them without the reds
Of rose-colored glasses,
That they hurt--
And though I bled,
I have found
That I'd rather bleed, I'd rather hurt,
Than see falsehoods within my delusions.

And as much as it astounds
The light of my eyes,
There's a flicker of hope,
A flicker of good,
In the failings of my broken wings,
And though I know you wish to plead and tell me
That my wings were never broken
That I just needed someone to fly with,
I'll have you know
I am aware of my failings
But I am healed enough
That I can fly beside you
And keep up
Almost as well.

But did you know,
Within my heart
The beat will falter,
But with every glance
And every time I am held within your arms,
I get a little stronger,
A little braver,
And for that
I am grateful.

I'm flying beside you,
And nothing has felt more natural
More real.

I am flying beside you,
And I have never felt more alive
And more okay.

Thank you for being the
Closest person
I have ever had
To home.

Nothing is what it seems.
You've got me coming undone
At the seams,
Me and my bruised knees.
But fleeting warmth
Is such a tease.
Stay just a little longer,
Please?

There's a certain kind of walk,
That comes with a certain kind of talk.
I think it's pointless,
But that doesn't mean it's not
Worth a shot.

I try so hard
To dress you in poetry,
But you just don't
Fit the imagery.
And I get eaten up
By jealousy and insecurities--
No, not lately.

I'm so distressed,
But I just can't express
How to resolve it,
But I can't absolve it.

I'd be clever
If I endeavored
Towards the pleasure
Of you and I
Together.

But I never claimed to be clever,
So it doesn't matter whether
Or not,
But I'll give it a shot.

I am the light pooled on the floor,
And you've found me here before.
You just didn't know,
But here we go:

If you take the pain out of love,
Love doesn't exist.
But we're flying up and above,
And I fly higher each time we kiss.

My mind is foggy
From my depression.
Something I've been diagnosed with.
Something I only notice
When it gets really bad.

I say things.
Things about myself
That if anyone else said them,
I'd be beyond hurt.

But the fog
Makes it okay.

Because the fog twists things,
And words,
And actions,
And expressions.

And my past makes me paranoid.

Like when you're being extra quiet,
And extra thoughtful,
Introspecting,
If you will.
When you use responses like "I will be."
To my question of "Are you okay?"

It rubs me the wrong way.
I can't take things
At face-value.

Everything is deeper.

The fog makes the distance between us
Seem much bigger than it probably is.

But to me,
It goes on for miles.