today i picked you some wildflowers
i saw them there on the side of the road on my way to you

i flashed back to a time when we first met
when my heart was so cold and my brain
was so blue

i sat there staring at those flowers
they were absolutely breathtaking
just like the first moment i saw you

sky blue eyes, sunshine smile

and in that moment
i knew you’d take the hurt and the pain,
and turn it into something..

...absolutely breathtaking

and in that moment
you pushed me to be something
better than i’ve ever been

whenever i see wildflowers,
no matter where,
i’ll always think of the breathtaking you
the person who helped me through

© Levi Andrew

i'm going mad

i put down two runs of reg meat,
a run of quarter meat,
and hell some grilled chicken.

in my dreams
i hear the grill timers going off
i hear the beeping of the cabinets
i hear the loud scream of the microwave

i'm going mad

or at least thats what i told myself
last night
when i locked myself in the bathroom
and refused to come out.

they talk about warning signs
and who's more prone to suicide
than the people who aren't.

"people with depression are more likely to **** themselves."

there are so many warning signs
but nobody cares to see them.

truth is
i can't wait
to be a dad

to our beautiful baby

truth is
i can't wait
to be with you

at our wedding

truth is
i can't wait
to grow old with you

on our front porch

truth is
i can't wait
to spend every single moment

**with you

i traced the lines of your lips

your fingertips

and fireworks exploded in my chest

i never thought home would mean this

home is your arms

my home is you

my biggest fear used to be love

and now its the fear of losing yours

i remember the first time

i told you i loved you

it was two weeks in

and i was certain

its been two months

and i have never been more right

home.....

that is where i want to be...

**right now.

I haven't picked up the pen
in quite some time

It seems as if I'm forgetting
that poetry is everything I used to be

Writing was my escape
And now I feel more than I can take

Now, I'm picking up the pen
Telling my emotions

Explaining the writers block that controlled me

I will finally start again

You don't see it, or understand it
I could frankly care less if you do

From the depths of my heart 
Referring it to as an ocean
It forms a tsunami when I'm around you

From the depths of my heart
Referring to it astronomically
Millions of shooting stars run across the sky for you

From the depths of my heart
Referring it to everything we are
We are love, in the finest forms.

Franz Kafka once said, "You are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart."
I'll have to agree
I love in silence
Or through words
In lines of poetry
Confused about whether or not
I can ever stop loving you truly
I can't.
I don't really sing
But I'll sing you songs with my acoustic
Wearing a flannel, sleeves rolled up
It's a universally attractive thing
I guess it's fair to say I'm confused and quiet
Yet understanding and willing to start a riot...
Just for you.

I try so hard for you
You don't try hard enough back

I hurt so bad because all I've wanted
is to be good enough for you.

You don't stand on a busy street corner in the middle of downtown
and scream, "you're such a ******."

Well lucky for you I already know.

I'm trans and its not because of my sisters boyfriend.

You scream at me for things that you told me I could do

Dyeing my hair? What's the big deal?

You're as transparent as ******* saran wrap.

Parenting crap? Oh yeah you don't want any of that.

Get up. And get the **** out of my life because I will get better and I can't do that if you're here.

A ray of light cuts through water at a vertical angle,
and in that moment you wonder if you really understand the things you thought you did,
or is it all just a mathematical equation?
Does it all add up?
You see the water look like tiny beads of light,
and you have now realized how you don't know your next move,
how lost you truly are
You question those around you,
paranoia kicks in,
and you're alone.
This world is setting you up for disaster
And, I'm not supposed to say this...
But, you're not the only one.

I am transgender
And it's not because I want attention
Its because I feel more comfortable as a male
I don't choose between male or female pronouns.
I use they.
You don't have to remind me I have FEMALE ******* every time I walk into a room
I am not lesser of a person.
I am me.
And this is my life.
So deal with it.

how many times did i tell you it'd be okay?
more than i wanted

how many times did you wonder if i was not enough for you?
more than i wanted

how many times did i think you'd leave?
more than i wanted

i was more than you wanted

A million black sharpies
A million silver blades
How do you decide?
Which one comes first?
No sympathy from you.
I didn't ask for it.
Leave now before you can't.

No
I don't miss you
And I'm so **** happy
about that

She was the new girl
The shy girl
The one I hadn't quite met yet

She was the soft girl
The quiet soft spoken girl
She is the girl I have fallen for

She is the beautiful girl
The Christian girl
She is the girl I want to be with

She is the hurt girl
Heart ripped out by a past love girl
I can and will love her with all I have

The first time I said I love you was on January 30th of 2015
It was just a short two months
I wished it would've been longer

I remember the first night
You held me
I remember the way you brought me to your room
Grabbed my hand
Grinned

I read the poems I gave you aloud
The first time you kissed me it felt like fireworks
You told me you loved me

Valentines day
The greatest valentines day I've ever had
I read your card so many times it made me cry
I remember feeling so bad because my sister wouldn't give you a ride
But you reassured me it'd be alright
And at that time I kissed you harder than any other time before

The day we broke up
although it happened quite a few times
was one I'd never forget
I cried so hard

I think about you now
Everyday
I think about the way fireworks exploded when you kissed me
I think about the vanilla scent I used to love so much

I still ******* miss you, and I'm trying to move on but you won't let me

I remember the way it felt before
Swallowing the pills
Using the blade to cut my skin
**** me so I can make it end

Make the memories stop
I dont want to remember every time I kissed you
I just do

I don't want to breathe
Because I love someone else and you can't handle that
I'm not over you but I'm trying

I'm trying hard to make you see
I'm holding on just for you

Although you aren't my real mother
You give me what real moms do
You're my sister and my best friend
I'd be on the streets if it weren't for you
I appreciate everything you do
From the roof over my head,
to the money shared
and being well fed
Happy mother's day, and
thank you for being my mother figure

Contrary to what people think..
The definition of the word beautiful, is you.
And the definition of love, is you & me.
The definition of happiness are the words you speak.
The way you look at me.
The way your eyes shine..
The way you kiss me.
The way your leg wrapped around me the last time,
and I remember everything.

I wake up constantly everyday
With the same thoughts in my head
They make me weak
They tear me to shreds
You ripped my soul out
And I guess it's something
I knew I should always be afraid of
I let down my guard for you
Just so you could play me
For some fool
But I'm not a fool you see
I'm wiser than you'll ever be
I still love you
And that's truly what's killing me

A shriek,
A muffled scream,
A thump
Wicked dreams.
A touch.
Sparks fly
Never a good thing.
Whispers vibrating around
Do you hear that crazy sound?
Fire breaks
As night falls
Crimson running
The way your tears spilled onto your cheeks
Right before your heart
stopped.
I breathe deeply
Sigh softly
I cry the way you used to
But it's not enough.
It gleams under the moonlight,
your shadow stalks me
as i whimper
I stop
I ponder
What can I do?
To stop you...
or maybe,
its just to late.
but ill try either way.
To save myself
And get you some help
Help...
a foreign term to me.
when i need it most-gone
when i need it least-there
When I try hard enough
I'm fine
all i need
*is me.

Perfect to me..
is you.
I murmur words into your ear..
Hoping I was quiet enough for you to hear..
The riot in my heart.
The constant blushing
Love words and
soft kisses.

Intricate souls.
Up, down, all around.
Your personality changes.
Zig zag, another way.
It's so confusing.
You're making me crazy.
Just ******* leave.
Seriously.

The stars are ours tonight.
There's not a worry left in my mind.
I'm going crazy.
Can't wait to be with you.
Underneath the stars and moon.

Some people decide to die.
It's apart of life.
Suicide is the answer.
So why are you waiting?
Death is calling.

Some Autumn evening..
I grabbed a cigarette.
Lit it without thinking.
A few years after..
Another Autumn day..
I met you.
I love you daily.
Without thinking
Because who knows?
One day, you may replace...
My pack of Marlboro Menthols.

You sound like a crazy pyro-maniac.
That's all too true.
Funny.
How midnight skies turn blue.
And you're too busy setting this world on fire.
You're inner demons are shining through.  
Just grow up.
And be you.
Don't let other people catch you.
BE YOURSELF.
*Not someone else.

It's funny how 20 minutes ago..
I tried to get you to see my side of things.
How I ****** up.
You know what though?
You know what I know about you?
That you aren't anything but **fake.

I think that you lied.
A two faced *****.
That tried so hard to **** me over.
You never cared.
And you wouldn't know if I was dead.
You wouldn't care if I was.
See the thing is..
You're gonna get burned to the core.
And you told me to be good to myself because you didn't know what else to say.
I think you're pathetic.
And you must be living some game.
I deserve way better than you'll ever give me.
And that is something I know.

I feel those warm arms that used to surround me
I hear the melodic guitar strum
It echoes in between white walls
I feel the bright sun that brings my face warmth
I see the bright red scream that comes from my skin

I feel the water swell my eyes from the sound
I taste iron from chewing my words
I smell the newly cut green grass
I hear the creak from the floorboards

I hear words stabbing me like swords
I can feel my body fall from my being

I see the darkness that falls upon my eyes
I feel the thoughts fill my mind
I feel my heart turn to stone
I feel darkness in my soul

Suicide.
My heart is broken and filled with pain.
I can't bare to live anymore.
I have suffered enough.
You broke my heart once and I let it slide.
But when you broke it for a second you crossed the line.
I hate you, I hate you more than life itself.
Why did I let love get the best of me and not see what was really going on?
You never liked me.
You never wanted me.
So why did you flirt.
You let me believe something could have happened.
Like you falling in love with me.
I loved you, I still love you.
But I can't bare to show it anymore.
As far as I am concerned you don't even exist to me.
In my heart your gone.
I cry myself to sleep thinking about you.
If only you knew how much I loved you.
If only you could see.
My life ended that day when I realized I can't have you and when I saw things I never wanted to see.
It hurt me, it hurt me deep inside my heart is broken in two.
I don't think I could love again the way that I loved you.
There is no more love in me now I am filled with hate.
Hate for you but more for myself I dont want to live anymore suicide is the only answer.
Why couldn't you tell me from the beginning that it was only a joke?
Why didn't you tell me not to take it seriously?
What was I to do?
Keep dreaming that one day I could have you.
Or maybe I should have realized that once I meet you I couldn't have you.
I don't want to live.
Suicide is the only answer.

Hold on sweetly to your sanity...
Watch it drip slowly.
Think as you bleed.
Then stop.
Because, you've thought too much..
Then everything you knew was gone.
And none of it mattered.
You just watch slowly as you lose hope.
You decide **** it.. I'll tie the rope.
Then you flashback to before it was like this...
And you want to just forget about it.
You think.. I'm just gonna end this...
You write letters saying goodbye.
Saying you're fine.
Saying you're safe now..
And things like I'll miss you..
I love you..
Don't forget me..
The she walks in after you're gone and says...
"Goodbye.. You'd never would've believed me if I said I loved you too."

Your hands grasp my throat.

Convincing my lungs to stop working.

My heart will stop beating.

It's like I'm nothing.
                
         I'M NOBODY.

Do you even care anymore?

Its 1:47 A.M.

I'm writing a poem..

Because I'm...
                      
       Sad
   Lonely
      Lonely
Confused

And, there's nothing I can do.

Walk..*
      
            Turn around.

Make mistakes.

             *Turn it around

Live life.

             Make the same mistakes.

**But we're all looking for a place we belong.

Do you remember what it was like?

To have each other to depend on?

You have been my everything.

Or at least that's what I thought.

But, hey.. I guess I was wrong.

Clothes shed..

Tears dried..

You asked,"Are you sure?"

I replied, "You are my first."

I'm so glad we've started over.

I'm glad we're forgetting the past.

I've been thinking.

Why are you still here for me?

Just leave.

You deserve better.

It's like we all have something better to do.

Especially you..

You don't wanna talk.

When we do..

It's all about saying okay.

Or, I can't talk now.

God, you break my heart.

I'm not sure how.

But, you just do.

Suicide is never worth it.

You aren't worthless.

Just smile.

We started over.

Today.

To you..

I am brand new.