i just want to be
a normal human being
is that too much to ask?

why can't i just be
a normal human being
like everyone else

i sure wish i was
a normal human being
but i never will be

You don’t know what it's like
To try
And try
And try
With no results

You don’t know what it's like
To cry
And cry
And cry
Tears full of salt

You don’t know what it's like
To die
And die
And die
Every second you're alive

You don’t know what it's like
To lie
And lie
And lie
But nothing
Will ever
Ever
Ever
Get better.

it's just a bitter pill to swallow
one that should fix my mind
one that should make me happy
one that should make me kind

it's just 150 MLs of drugs
to put you to sleep
we've prescribed these pills
so that none of your problems leak

it's just a pill case that's bursting at the seams
no problem, no sweat
these pills are supposed to make me see nothing but smiley faces
but i still feel nothing but dread

if the prescription doesn't work
should we up the dose
or should we stop
because my mental health is a budding rose
making me want to drop

the pills have stopped working
well, i guess they never did
but i don't want to concern the doctors
so it's always something i've hid

pretend i'm doing okay
say that i feel fine
they write it down in their little note pad
i hope they don't know that i'm lying
i hope they don't know that i'm crying
i hope they don't know that i'm dying
every second i'm alive

if they could read my thoughts
would they send me to the hospital for the second time?
because if they do
i'll stay silent...
like a mime

no words
just like last time
running out of rhymes
so i guess i won't speak
poetry is how i talk

TiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTired­TiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTired­TiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTired­TiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTired­TiredTiredTired
Thats me

DISCLAIMER: in this poem, i do not intend to harm or offend any religious folks!

i was raised atheist
so i never believed in god
once
when i was in kindergarten
a kid asked me
do you believe in god?
he asked everyone.
i said no
i was the only one
and he hurt me
he punched me
pinched me
kicked me
and called me a sinner

i keep getting hate
for how i was raised
in the 5th grade
i tried to start believing
but i couldn't
i respect others views
but i don't share them
and i don't think i ever will
i know a little about discrimination,
as a trans
queer
mentally ill
annoying kid
but i think others know more

religion is a silly little thing
for some people
it's their whole personality
because they love it
and for others
it is a weight on their chest and leaves them with trauma

i respect your beliefs as long as you don't force them onto me

I barely recognize my reflection
Who am I?
Who is the person in the mirror?
I don't look like myself. This isn't my body.

I'm not a girl
I'm not a girl
I'm. Not. A. Girl.

The mirror says the opposite of my heart.
A stranger looks back.
We argue.
My eyes verus my mind.
My body versus my soul.
My heart.
Glass shatters and breaks it.
I feel it fall to the floor.
Blood dries on the ceramic bathroom tiles.
So do tears.

I refuse to be a girl.
I won't be a girl.
I never have been.

I'm. Not. A. Girl.

there was a boy
who was nothing but ink
he would speak
and words would

f
            a
l
            l

out from his mouth
words that nobody wanted to hear
because he said too much
people don't want to know him
anymore

Do you ever
Look at a blade
And think
"Well... that belongs across my throat."?
Do you ever
Look at a bottle of pills
And think
"I should take them all."?

Because I sure as hell do

I never think of life
As a wet on dry watercolor painting
Because its more similar
To wet on wet
You put a dash of color
Joy
Emotion
And it spreads
Like a virus
But a good one
Life isnt realism.
Life is abstract.
So treat it like that.
Imperfect
But in the end?
Beautiful.

I Miss when we were friends
When we would sit and laugh
I didn't savor those moments
And so they left in a flash

We used to be so close
i shared with you my heart
And I know this is normal,
Growing apart.

Summer went to fall
And fall ended too fast
The frost and snow fell
Because nothing good lasts

But the flowers thaw through
And new things start
So I think I'm okay
with us growing apart.

i want to
c r y
but i am in a crowded room

i hold back
t e a r s
but they fall anyway

now i am
a l l  a l o n e
but i cant get the tears to come out

i want to
c r y
but i cant
not at all

I can’t breathe
You aren’t there
But your words
still cover my mouth
And I wonder
Will you ever let go?

a kingdom split; the people torn
Rehoboam's rule; a northern scorn
ten tribes north, two tribes south
a corrupt ruler, spit foaming at the mouth

the people's trust
lost in the air
this system
is less than fair

but in the dark
we will fight
we will get what we deserve.
rights.

giving up on this life, eating less food i'm going on strike. i hold the knife, i want to take my life. the cuts on my wrists don't hurt no more, but they start to when my mom opens the door. i **** in my stomach so that nobody sees, leave me alone, please. my heart has stopped pumping, stopped thumping, blood is clumping and i can't do this anymore. losing hope, i don't want to cope, wash my mouth with soap because i told you way too much. my teeth are rotting, my vision is spotting, no bunny is hopping and the world just isn't the same anymore. i don't trust you after you pushed me to the floor. but every single time, i come begging, begging for more, knocking on your door, asking your mom if you can play. i'm no longer welcome with my friends, i can't seem to follow the trends. i'm giving up, tbh.

I kissed someone last night
But something was off
Her lips pressed against mine
We made it clear that it was platonic
But the whole time
I was thinking of him
The sound of his voice
When he talks about something he loves
The way he curses when he drops his trombone
His laugh
His sigh
I don't think I've ever liked a girl
I kissed someone last night
And it was so, so wrong.

Okay,
But why do we exist?
What is the purpose of this game?
Are we being controlled
By some invisible being?
Like strings on a marionette?
Or are we all alone in this universe
Words lost in the wind?
What if we aren't even real
And this is all just a dream?
What if this whole life
We all built
Friends,
Family,
Home,
(Poetry accounts),
Is just fake
A little thing
That we made up
And one day,
We will just wake up?
And not know what to do?
We lived the while thing
And now we have to start over?

I stand up.
I was there for a long time
This fake world

What if I was right?

My eye is twitching always
It didn't before
I wonder if something changed

every notification on my phone
telling me something is going wrong
another corrupted plan succeeding
another million people gone...

every news story in the morning
telling me I'm going to die
another failed hope
another savior plan gone awry...

every word out of your mouth
telling me I'm a worthless *******
it was so long ago
but the forest fire is still lit...

every word of yours i remember
keeps repeating in my head
telling me i'm useless
and that i'd be better off dead...

i can't pick up the pieces
every time you break
i have my own
to retrieve from the floor

Its all a dream
The sky too blue
To be real

Its all a dream
I turn and turn-
But the mirror stays unchanged

Its all a dream
Faces i know are familiar
But they blur, leaving a smooth canvas

Its all a dream
I can't remember who i am
I keep forgetting

Its all a dream
Words melt together
Like a collage of confusion

Its all a dream
I'm here
But not at all

Its all a dream
Everything is so distant
Yet its all I see

Its all a dream, isnt it?

Empty words
Never mean anything
"I love you"
Means nothing when they don't show it

Empty words
Are useless words
Because actions
Speak louder than words

Empty words
Are worthless words
Because heavy words
Will always be more meaningful
Than weightless ones.

Trust me on this

i once read this quote
and before i read it
i though nothing so short could make me cry
but there it is
"the night after i commit suicide,
i woke up.".
i don't know what it is about this quote
but every time i read it
i break down crying

i can't tell if it is hurting me
or comforting

you noticed that his room was becoming messy.
"lazy."
you noticed that he had stopped showering.
"disgusting."
you noticed that he had started talking less.
"he's just going through a phase."

but you never noticed how his short sleeves turned into baggy hoodies.
you never noticed that he had stopped eating.
you never noticed that the happy little boy you used to have was leaving.

you never noticed it was getting bad
until it was almost too late

i just want things to go back to normal

i think you might like me
but i'm scared of what you'll do
if i say something wrong
or if you don't like me too

what if you hate me
after i say it?
i don't want to ruin what we have.
so take my feeling, measure it, weigh it

maybe you're just like this
or maybe its something more
but if i do something wrong
what if things can't go back to the way they were before...?

there once was a tailor
who lived in a place unknown
his place was small
but i guess, it was home

he sewed clothes
for people far and wide
with nothing but a thin needle
and fabric by his side.

his job wasn't easy
he worked and worked all day
and the money it made?
well, it barely paid.

but he loved what he did,
with his stitches and thread,
so every night he would lay down
and dream happily in his bed

one day
he got a strange request
he had to make a special robe-
a golden dress.

he tried to explain
this was more than he could do
that this is impossible
but she didn't believe him- so now, he's blue

he tried and tried
but it couldn't be done.
she wanted hundreds of stitches
but he could only do one.

he felt so awful
judging many times over three
so he hung himself
on a branch of the olive tree

the woman was mad
at the tailor
she called him lazy
called him as useless as a sailor

so in the end
nobody won
she didn't get her dress
and the tailor killed himself
because that task simply couldn't be done.

and now,
the olives that come from the tree
remind everyone of him-
and what couldn't be.

sometimes,
late at night,
memories drizzle from our eyes
and roll down our cheeks.
unable to forget
no matter how much it hurts

it's a small world
one that we torture
one that we ******
one that we ruin

it's a small world
one that we contaminate
one that we pollute
one that we steal from

it's a small world
one that we never give back to
because now,
it is too late
sorry, earth

Honestly
You are my best friend
I love that we can call
And talk about nothing
And everything
All at once
Over the span of thirty minutes

I love that we can do anything
And enjoy doing it
Because we are together

I love that we can go on long walks
And it's like we are the only people in the world
Because we are best friends

"she said she was too busy"
she hates you. you should just back off.
"he said he doesn't have that many friends"
he wants you to be a better friend, you aren't there for him.
"they are tired"
i shouldn't have texted them that late, they probably hate me now and want me to leave-
"stop.
this isn't real
my brain is making **** up."
but what if i'm not...?
"oh..."

I'm in the dark
With no light
You actions left a mark
And now im stuck in the endless night

You mocked me
With your torch
I touched the flame
So now my skin is scorched

Youve left me with scars
Beneath the surface
Physical and mental
Geez. Thanks so much for your service.

my mask has gotten oh so heavy
but i don't want them to see
the person behind the facade
the real me

they barely see me, they see the mask
but it's cracking through
if i took off my mask
would you still love me like i love you?

i wish i could be me
but they would hurt me again
so i'll keep wearing this heavy mask
until i can finally break the chain

I Hide everything about myself
The fresh cuts and scars with a sleeve
The stomach with an oversized hoodie
I want to leave

I Hide everything about myself
The pain with a mask
The trauma with a wall
Finally, silence...at last...

Pure quietness
Silence
Darkness
No conscience
...
That's the dream.

i don't like myself
at all
i hate my body

i hate the was my stomach sticks out
when i sit
i hate the way my feminine structure looks
while wearing normal ****
i hate the way the skin
on my thighs sag
i hate the way i cover my body
with everything
anything i can find
because i'm not okay
i hate my body

I miss the good old days
Where we would go to the mall
Read books
Write poetry
And laugh

I miss the good old days
Where we would sleep over at each others houses
Talking about boys
And girls
And music

I miss the good old days
Where we would fight
But the next day
We would hug and make up

I miss the good old days
Where we would watch sad movies
And cry our hearts out
While hugging each other

I miss the good old days
Where we could call each other
Best friends
But i guess
Friends grow apart
I wish we didnt
Because I miss the good old days
And I hope you do too...

i would take my own life
if i even had one

thirty three days
since it last happened
since the blood oozed all over my skin
and i danced alone in my room
covered in red
a bitter, ****** up dancer
spinning, deeper
deeper
deeper
even deeper
into the dark
it hurt so much
but i loved it
the way it gushed out
when i leaped
i hate how warm it made me feel

so i keep twirling into this madness
and try to make it never happen again

i still remember
             our playground
where we played together, at
              our playground
the place we loved,
               our playground
where we could be friends,
                our playground
without anybody watching,
                our playground
man... i sure do miss
               our playground
being friends

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

why do i feel

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

i always feel

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

you never like me when i'm

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

hope is lost when i'm

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

i don't want to be

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

anymore

Words no longer coming to my head
Fingers no longer able to hold a pen
Hands no longer able to type
My skill flown away
Losing my mind
Losing my hope
Losing my happiness
Losing everything
Slowly
Going
Crazy

if i was icarus
and the wax on my wings melted
i would have apologized to you
for splashing the ocean water on you

if you stabbed me
and i was dying
i would have apologized to you
for getting blood on your shirt

if we fought
and didn't make up
i would have apologized to you
for saying sorry

well,
i'm sorry.
sorry.

i think i'm drowning
because i can't breathe
weights tied to my feet
making me sink
sink
sink
deeper into the unknown

i think i'm drowning
because i need a way to stay afloat
no way to breathe
pressure
pressure
surrounding me

i think i'm drowning
because i feel wet sand
beneath my toes
it's all dark
pitch black
all alone
my ears are popping

i think i'm drowning
because i am being choked
by the weight
of all my burdens
my
burdens
i
am
a
burden

i think i'm drowning
because i've reached rock bottom
i'm in the deep end
of the ocean
but nobody cares

i think i'm drowning
but i don't really care
at all
anymore...

i wonder
what you ever did
with all of the friendship bracelets
we had
i still wear them
it hurts too much to take them off

i wonder
if you still remember our secret handshake
that we made up
in the 2nd grade
and kept using
for years
i still practice it
with my tear-stained reflection
in the broken mirror

i wonder
if you still think about me
as often as i think about you
i keep going back
to our old, happy memories
the ones that you (probably) forgot
i sure hope not
because those are the memories
i can't get myself to throw away

i wonder
what you did
with all the pictures of me on your phone
did you delete them
or do you just keep them there
leaving them alone,
just like you did with the real me
i can't believe
that i managed
to cut your face out of a photo
a hole of emptiness-
resembling the one in my soul

i really miss you
but friends grow apart, i guess