I’ve been thinking about who I am recently
I just end up thinking of you
I can't really see where I’m going
I can't remember where I’ve been
  
I just end up thinking of you
Because what else could I possibly do?
I can't remember where i've been
You're all I want to remember
  
Because what else could I possibly do,
but be completely under your spell
You're all I want to remember
You're impossible to forget
  
I tried to write a poem about me today
I wrote a poem about you instead
My mind is socrates cave
Shadows of you, set before my chained head.

This year began in march-
       The best part
                Of any ride is always
                             Near the end
                So that when it is over
         You wish deeply
                To start again-
                      I wanted to go
                           Towards a riotous
                Celebration, but I forgot
          To invite my mom,
Or common sense.
                  I was far too busy being
                          “Happy”
                         ­  I was indulging in
                 Bite-sized love
          And becoming intoxicated
                             With admiration.
                     Colby left town in march
       To fall in love with bad habits
                     Hopefully he’ll be home by Christmas,
           Or at least New Years

“I need you close to me” said the porcupine
“I need space, I miss rabbit and fox” pled the squirrel
“Once I feel better you can leave”

“I’m lonely”
“Move closer, I’ll ease your isolation”
“Ok” Sting. Recoil.

“Why do you distance yourself from me?”
“Im sorry, it hurts”
“This is why you're in pain, you turn away from me”

“I just need a moment”
“Not until we're close”
“I’m bleeding, I need rabbits soft fur”

“Rabbit doesn't love you the way I do”
“Im anxious, I need fox’s kind words”
“Come near me, I will help you heal”

“Im worried about your spines”
“My spines? You think I have spines?”
“Don't you see them?”

“I don't know why you would say that to me,
I try so hard to be here for you”
“You're right, Im sorry”

Naming our first cat
Raising our first kid
Our garden, our flowers
I love the sound of Ours.
Did
you know it? The night we
met, that
you might
see me
like this? I didn’t that night.

Whenever I would bite a carrot two things used to cross my mind
My dad, and how its just as easy to bite off your own finger
Now I think of you, how you hate them, how I should have bit my tongue

Love and passion are often confused–
I began with something real.
Love and passion don’t walk side by side, love
tears down walls with a hurricane of butterfly wings

and passion walks easily through the rubble.
I don’t believe in the thrill of the chase, the
opposites attract, or the love that's formed
between two people lost together at sea. Fake.

I’ve experienced 100 exciting-stressful things
but I’ve only experienced 1 you. And they have not
felt the same. The night we met in front of canes
I had lied to my father, and my mother, to see you.

I hated the thrill of the lie, driving with you high,
off devices I couldn't name, I hated that.
But we kept going and chatting, I ignored a stop sign
Sure that I would get pulled over, knuckles red-white,

But you spoke sweetly, said it was ok, I think we knew
that I was colorblind to red when it came to you, and you
smiled when I called with my friends, and you looked so pretty
in the streetlights, and we talked like it was easy. I loved that.

One fish asks another, How’s the water today? The second replies,
What is love? It’s okay if it doesn’t make sense to you—
it makes sense to me, like the way I needed you
before I even knew your name. and honestly

It feels like I met you twice, on the luckiest day of the year, and
the luckiest day of my life, and again in a Kalhert parking lot.
Disappointedly sober, so we crawled into each other unprotected,
And shared songs like pieces of ourselves.  I met you there.

To have learned love from you, I am eternally grateful
that I will never have to feel love turn to hate, or feel
the sting of betrayal, because we weren’t perfect together
but you were perfect with me, and you handled my heart gently

I Think how wonderful it is that I have loved you, because you have
given me love in the buildings and in the trees, and countless things
that bring me back to the thought of you, and I will love to take my walks
and hear your smile, in the way the wind blows through the reeds, of our preservation

Before a rose colored mirror
Blue orbs tracing devotely
Not their reflection, but the jagged canyons
Curling from the edges, like roots
Repentantly sprouting to hide  a corpse.
Red meteors plummet in slow motion from fingertips
Of a reflection, as he stands before the cracks,
Feeling the wet truth of their cause in his palms.
On the floor, his eyes meet
His eyes gazing up from a jagged island of glass
Finding himself only with head bowed, in
A broken past mistake.
7 years bad luck.
Do you think he knows,
That behind the veins,
There's more than blood?
I do.

One of my earliest memories, is in the morning
I didn't take the time to get dressed,
I went to my door and squeezed, both hands,

Proud that I had solved the child-lock
Too early for a kid my age
To be awake, alone, and heading outside

But who sleeps well through shouting?
It wasn't too cold for me
Even In just my superman underwear

So it must've been summer.
I went down the steps
From our high front porch

And went straight towards
A dandelion, not blooming
But full with seeds

And I wished
for love, love
between my parents,

And cried.
My first
Memory crying

Was
For
Love.

Thread
in my mind
weaves mazes,
and I find
you there–
Among all the words and phrases,
And the many works I’ve read–
Holding all the strings in hand.
Connected to everything, everywhere.
When I close my eyes at night,
in each journal that I write,
in the sky and land,

And at the end of every poem–
You're there

Our bed was colder than before,
Our window was open but
We locked the door.
We are locked together
Shut
The whether
Or not we stay inside,
You and me
I guess we’ll see.
Maybe if we tried
To go
And close our ******* window

He got a new computer on August 18, 2023,
In the blue light, in his room, the first thing he did
He messaged a boy, said he wanted to see him,
He loved a boy, and he wanted to see him.

The word hate appeared
197 times in their messages since
Aug 18, 2023 at 5:18 AM
125 of those were the word “whatever”

“i’m down for whatevs i jus wanna see uouuu”,
“ I will Fr see you tomorrow by whatever means necessary”,
“Whatever you’re comfortable with tho Fr”,
“They can think whatever they want I love you”,

“Whatever your heart desires Fr, this is your last semester of
highschool ever so you really just want to be happy with it”,
“I will do whatever I can to support you”,
“whatever works for you my love”,

Hates, hate, and hated: 66 results
I hate you: 0 results
I thought it beautiful, that when searching for
Hate, so much love was found instead.

Of the 465 days from when he bought his
Computer, we only get to peer, at one facet
Of their lives, one snippet of time.  A historians tragedy
To have something like this, and know it

Shows so much, but not enough. Of the 465 days
These boys sent 412 Goodnight messages,
and 290 good morning ones. Two people in love
Think about each other all the time, but few

Take the time to say it-
Thinking about you: 207 results
I miss you: 335 Results
Why is love often felt strongest in absence,

Why are words always longer in the past tense?
Out of 465 days, on one form of communication
Results for “I love you” were well over 1000.
Searching for “love” made the computer he bought crash.