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1.6k · Feb 2020
We can't love
Ellis Holden Feb 2020
Oh darling I'm in love
Oh darling I'm in love with you

Oh darling the way you smile
Oh darling your smile sets everything a glow

Oh darling my heart to you
Oh darling fully yours to crush

Oh darling you know nothing
Oh darling what I feel for her

But oh darling I do feel
Oh darling the love between us

But oh darling you don't know
Oh darling you just don't know what stands between

Oh darling I do hope
Oh darling I do hope you won't leave me

But oh darling you do hate
Oh darling you do hate those like me

Oh darling to you those girls are ****
Oh darling they are objects of desire

But oh darling they aren't people
And oh darling i'm just like them

And oh darling to you those boys are hazards
Oh darling those boys are wrenches in God's great machine

But oh darling those boys are my brothers
And oh darling I'm just like them

Oh my dear darling  we're going to have to let each other go
Oh darling I'm going to have to let you go
#lgbtqia #bi #lgbt #love #valentinesday #valentine #sad #darling
835 · Jun 2019
Pen names
Ellis Holden Jun 2019
Ellis isn’t real
Dissipates after quick google search
But here she breathes
829 · Feb 2
Captain Screw (pt 3)
Ellis Holden Feb 2
And this was a story that got told by me
But you have a meaning behind it too
Long before I came along
You had a meaning behind it too
So Captain *****
Before I go
I thought I'd let you know
I loved you and your meaning too

And if you're listening
Could you tell me this story by you
I'd like to know your meaning
I'd like this story to touch on another dream
803 · Jul 2019
Where is the rest of me
Ellis Holden Jul 2019
First it was my arms
I didn't even realize what was happening
I thought this was normal
tank tops, shirts with quarter sleeves
fill with big blaring X

Then it was my back
and the fat it grew
I can fist it in my hand
But it still hangs loose

It has to consume me
I catch myself in the mirror
once, twice, forty-six
sun sets, rises, repeats
I can see my roundness now

Then my thighs
I thought I was over-weight
all consuming
If i didn't care about other's shape
why mine?
I the ugly duck in see of swan
my shorts sit in blue plastic bags in good will truck


Once I have torn everything in me apart
It is just my BDD


where did I go
777 · Feb 2
Captain Screw (pt 2)
Ellis Holden Feb 2
And the stars come in waves so lovely
Is that why you chose the sea over me?
You've always said hearts can only beat
But for once I have something kind to say

***** tell me if it means something to you
Because I want to tell you
That it's all ok
I know the light is so distracting
Strangers' beauty is always so alluring
But I stayed because I was lovesick for you
Oh what a great turning, tossing sea sickness

Was this your way of saying you didn't feel the same?

***** I'm insane
Because I'm not mad only ashamed

A girl can't be queen without her hearts
And mine are lost somewhere in your sea
Dying under the starlight only to be with you

My dear, dear Captain *****
It took all my hearts to love you
726 · Feb 2
Captain Screw (pt 1)
Ellis Holden Feb 2
A story told in ink, sprawled out on pages and ruined with skin
You captain ***** collected these tattoos by sailing the sea
Above you there were all the stars to see
I guess that's why you never made it back to me

You called me queen of hearts 'cause by being with you I broke so many
But you forget my hearts lie with you
And you never showed

One day I'll wonder what could have been
But for today I'll sit with my roses
Painting a bland love red
711 · Apr 5
Groupie Love
Ellis Holden Apr 5
The boy with curly hair
a temporary decoy
guitar gone ecstasy, chords ring out
broke and hollow fears, gone before they could destroy

Let off at the brook
catching feelings off the hook
**** my freezing heartless feet
they’ll drown in the dream of maybe

‘Cause either i’m deadly
or i wanted to die
either i’m deadly
or i wanted to die

Love me as your’s and i’ll meet you at mine

Show up on stage
and i’ll be sure to fantasize
one look in the crowd and one in the eye
play for them and pretend for me

I’ll become the fantasy
you’ll want the flowers i bring for the end
a temporary decoy all too easily
either i’m deadly
or i wanted to die
either i’m deadly
or i wanted to die
707 · Feb 2019
I Am Not A Vine
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
As you grow
they'll try to prop you up
with rigid twig
and twist you round their garden rules
not realizing you have already sprung
and bloomed round your own forested path
     -I will not be a vine
619 · Feb 2019
A Female Torn Modestly
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
I shut my bedroom door
now engulfed by the bindings of paper and pen
and I roll my chair to grey desk
stacked high with Dickinson, Bronte's three, and Alvarez
I pull out my writing tools and begin to contemplate
ideas that dare not be discussed in the public of society
Why is it that God must be a man and
What make the human taught ideal of modesty such a binding force
flow through my brain and I breath again
without measure or discernment I am free
in my freedom i think
back to the conversation my mother and I held this morning
A girl had stood in our line of view her hemline resting mid-thigh
My mother had turned to me
"Ellis look at that girl! I can see her ******!" face aghast
I nodded
"It is disgusting that girls these days dress so provocatively!
Thank God I have a modest girl!"
I nodded again
and I thanked God.
     -Modesty Is A Human Construct
544 · Apr 2019
I Am
Ellis Holden Apr 2019
I AM Women
I of thought
I poet and social philosopher claim the honor
I am human
-I deserve
472 · Jun 2019
Untitled
Ellis Holden Jun 2019
And I looked myself in the eyes
And found I had run off again
      -Tell me if you see her
445 · Feb 2020
Untitled
Ellis Holden Feb 2020
my heart doesn't just burn for you
you set my world on fire
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
Charlotte I'm so glad
that your          voice
                and freedom
were found
but now I feel
it is time to find
my
                                         own.
     -the tried and true of growing up
331 · Feb 2019
What They Don't Know
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
I hide half my soul under raps
lock it in my journals
and undisclosed writing sites
Perhaps it is because
in acknowledging  my other half
what already is in view must die
     -Why I'll Never Tell My Parents
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
My Voice Is My Own
     -A letter to my dad
My Life Is Going To Be My Own
     -A reassurance to myself
297 · Apr 2019
Untitled
Ellis Holden Apr 2019
I shoved chaos into box today
And named it mine the next
-Now Isn't That Badass
260 · Feb 2019
Happy Birthdays Come Rare
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
My Birthday Came Again this Year
Shocking I know
but this time there weren't
any parties or happy wishes
A year had gone and
Nothing to show
this year I spent in tears
And I pray to god it was for
          t  h  i  n  g  s       g  o  n  e
and not for things
          t  o      c  o  m  e
     -Happy Birthdays Come Rare
239 · Feb 2019
Goodbye You Wildflowers
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
The stampede hit today
tearing up the green
it'll be sad not to see them grow anymore
     -Goodbye You Wildflowers
236 · May 2020
Untitled
Ellis Holden May 2020
my words may always sound pretty
but sometimes i'm afraid they're only hollow
222 · Feb 2019
Where to begin?
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
Where to begin?
How to tell a well structured story of a,b,c order
when life reigns in chaos?
I wait for moment to strike
for glorious inspiration to dawn in lightened euphoria,
but I fear it will not come.
How sure am I to be of this moment?
When I can feel the clock drain.
It ticks and ticks       i  n  s  i  s  t  e  n  t  l  y,
counting over the hours and draining of sand.
And while I sit here
watching the arrow round the clock,
what of the billboard plastered behind?
In my fixation for alarm's ring
the flash of neon glow is dull to my senses.
I read not the words.
My moment of finding never goes, never comes.
I       w  a  i  t
and time passed by.
And what now?
Should it all be over?
I have watched the tick of clock,
waited for my time to run bare
with little I can show.
What have I amounted to in my search for meaning?
What have I left plastered, unread to that now pealing board?
Ellis Holden Feb 2
Sparkling illusive
Feeling gleaming, filling the waters
What a chaotic world to be born in

You need a pair of drowned lungs, drowned lungs
You need salt water, breathe in, bronze rusting taste on your tongue
You need to let it all in, be you, fade out in void
We're all so alone here
We're all searching for someone not drowned in their lungs here
Breathe in, feel full
You need to stay stone cold, always let the song go unsung
You need to let the water rush in, fill a drinker tank for one
But we're all searching for someone
And you need a pair of drowned lungs

Sparkling illusive
Feeling gleaming, filling the waters
What a chaotic world to be born in
209 · Jun 2019
The Robin
Ellis Holden Jun 2019
birds ran today
never flying
never dying
206 · Apr 2019
Goodbye
Ellis Holden Apr 2019
In split second view I'm gone
I spew blackened mess of truth
And they had me towel
The limit of love's interaction
By it is their floor I stain
And perhaps they're right
Perhaps my hiding the other half
Was me hiding a whole
Because I don't think I've seen the person that died for a long time
And In their eyes and mine I'm
    g
        o
             n
                  e
-Dissipated
205 · Sep 2019
Untitled
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
If we burned the bibles
   -debricked the churches
Who would we be?
201 · Apr 2019
It Just Happens
Ellis Holden Apr 2019
Are we to understand that this is all
And if so where do we fall
-The beginning, middle, or end
192 · Feb 2019
Wonder
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
I wonder what it must feel like to be one of the greats
to be fully loved and validated
I doubt if anyone really knows
184 · Jun 2019
Untitled
Ellis Holden Jun 2019
Art is built on saddened souls
feeling wronged by the world
-why every teen should love poems
184 · Feb 2019
To Lie
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
Why do we lie I wonder
It sounds better sure
those sugarcoated fibs
But their aftertaste makes me wonder
tastes like oil and grout
     -maybe we do it Cause people Can't handle vulnerability
Makes em ugly and and turns em sour
and leaves us out in the rain
bone chilled and curiosity gone
179 · Feb 2019
I Am Only Half
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
What must it be like to fully exist?
To take shelter fully under one roof
and not be left a page torn in two
One secured by love and hearth
the other too gristly printed
cast to rainy dew and soaked to bone
I should never know.
-I Am Only Half
178 · Feb 19
Angel’s Letter
Ellis Holden Feb 19
Trigger Warning: eating disorder mentioned
Tell Me Dear,

     Will you remember the days when I starved myself to a spine? Then I needed the hollow bones to match my emptiness inside. I needed to shrink to bare to be seen. Because then I was afraid my emptiness had begun to expand. I feared it would creep from within the confines of my chest and bare itself to the world. And you see, that’s why I had to stop eating. I had to make room in my gut so that I could hold the emptiness back from the world. And when that began to hollow my insides, I felt nothing but pain. I had no room left for the joy, happiness, or relief that containing the empty could bring. Those I left to all of you on the outside full. Maybe that’s why you all saw me as beautiful, because I brought you nothing but good feelings while I sneakingly choked myself on the bad. That goodness I gave you made me an angel in your eyes. But don’t you know angels have to be lighter than air to fly?

With all the love and goodness I could hold,
     Your Empty Flight
178 · Sep 2019
Mama
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
I was born on September 19th, 2008
Mid-twilight the birds were still singing
Mama I never knew my fate

8.6 lb was my weight
I came into this world cries ringing
I was born on September 19th, 2008

Going to school was great. Mama I’d met my first playmate
Then we were swinging, ignoring the bell’s ringing
Mama I never knew my fate

It was show and tell date. Mama you packed me my ice skate.
My playmate and I walked to class grinning
I was born on September 19th, 2008

Mama Jimmy was just my classmate
But what he pulled out of his backpack was menacing
Mama I never knew my fate

Try not to hate
I died gun still ringing
I was born on September 19th, 2008
Mama I never knew my fate
165 · Apr 5
My Lover’s Breeze
Ellis Holden Apr 5
I’ve been feeling so small
feet took the best of me
and i didn’t want to tell you
but i thought my flowers were poison
and i thought that’s why he didn’t pick me

But i’ve been feeling so different lately
i stopped fearing the best of me
and i’ve been meaning to tell you
i think that’s why he didn’t pick me

Sun so high
i’m going to be carried away in the breeze
nature’s new lover
what a buzzing full song

I’ve been feeling too floral for the trees
i’ve learned to love me
and i guess i just told you
i don’t need you to pick me

Let my roots grow deep into the earth
let my blooms grow on
consumed by the green
i have love for the butterflies and bees

And i can grow up endlessly
leaves to scrape the sky
i’m going oh so high
and i’m going to be carried away in the arms of my lover’s breeze
157 · Feb 2
Alarm Song
Ellis Holden Feb 2
What roof are you climbing or did you already fall and break?
You know it's going to hurt but you can't resist the take
'Cause problems feel less real when you're the only one awake
But be careful oh my angel, new ones always come out late
Do you even care that your heavens' fallings are at stake
Oh what was a careful girl in search of the cation-less

Go ahead and ring the bell, she's been dying for too long
Heart shells empty and fall full from above
Let her sky go on, it's so torn up down here
Choirs calling out to the moonlight (sing, sing, sing)
Take the fall on open wings
Let the self-taught be free (fall, fall, fall)

Let her go, it's all so freeing now
When you're at the sky fall
Take it all in, watch as she flies
Leave me behind

And she was hiding troubles, such downtrodden things
And we, we couldn't save her, we didn't know the way
But she was so full, stars felt their first glow
All because she took the fall and we didn't make her stay
What a terrible price the good always seem to pay

I'm not talking of death, heaven's gates aren't for today
But leaving all you know takes breathing pains away
'Cause oh the air down low it's so heavy with our sin
But the air up high is so unimaginably thin
Only angels fly when it's so hard to live off heaven's falling glow

Let her go, it's all so freeing now
When you're at the sky fall
Take it all in, watch as she flies
Leave me behind
155 · Feb 11
Arson Burned Heart
Ellis Holden Feb 11
I sold my soul to the devil
Because she said she loved me
Because she said her burning coal handprints would comfort me
Because she said they were the only way she could love me

With burning coal handprints on my steaming skin she made love to me
Hot and heavy, burning and churning my brittle bones she came into me
Bursting in flames she told me I was like her
Burning a trail of ashen lovers with brittle bones of their own
And I was
But only after she came into my steaming skin
And seeped her flames into my bones
And left me with an arson burned heart
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
Boys will be Boys
Boys will chase those twirl skirts
Better Pull Yours Down
Before they rip you to the concrete mattress
Boys have no self control
Being but mindless humans of ill decency
Boys will spew with slugged catcalls and woos
But your skirt wasn't modest was it?
Boys have no self control
Better you know that now
Rather than when they excuse themselves from all their actions
      -I'm Sorry We Can't Control (Own-up to) It
141 · Sep 2019
Untitled
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
Sleepless 2 AM
Rolling pen over paper
Sentences b
u
r
n
i
n
g
136 · Sep 2020
Moon Song
Ellis Holden Sep 2020
Oh by light of mother moon
I tried to leave the party, so scared of coming down
Heading out I saw the shadow of your back
The moon she led me here to worship in the night
And I came to the moment I saw your face
Something so distant but nearing to the edge
Please don't leave me yet
Please don't leave me yet

Up so late at night, no point in sleeping now
I took your hand and made you dance in the glow
Strangers coming together in the middle of the night
We were spinning round so full of life, nearing death
Mother's always led me to the places most full of light
Of course that's why she brought me here

You asked about my family and I gave no reply
I had to introduce you to the moon
She's been my mother for a time
And me heart was racing so long into the night
I've never loved so quick, so fast, and full
And I've never left so quick, so fast, just had to let you go

If only for the moment we were meant to last
A love so perfect, we lived a lifetime in the night
It doesn't have to last, but for now we'll live so full
Please don't leave me yet
Just last a moment longer
Please don't leave me yet
Just last a moment longer

We were carving through the dark
I took you to the beach, we had to catch the last of her rays
And oh the sun was rising, we had to see it end
Took the last moment of the night, the moon let us go
We never really met

Strangers coming together in the middle of the night
Mother's always led me to the places most full of light
I'm sure that's why she brought me here
133 · Jun 2019
Untitled
Ellis Holden Jun 2019
In reflection
I'm just angry and sad
when all the world needs is a sun beam
-painting myself a smiley face
129 · Feb 2019
Blood Pricked My Eyes Today
126 · Apr 2019
Untitled
Ellis Holden Apr 2019
In ideal I go by day
I need not label or self-definition
           I live as me
-And some days that's enough
#me
126 · Oct 2019
Untitled
Ellis Holden Oct 2019
Am I their's
Or mine
Where do I belong?
124 · Feb 2020
Untitled
Ellis Holden Feb 2020
You make the cold dark warm and bright
122 · Jun 2019
And I don't really know
Ellis Holden Jun 2019
Am the so the questions of self begin
Am I her
Do I love him
Am I good
Do I love her
Am I sinful
Do I love them
Am I wonderfully god-sent
or demon of hell
maybe both
121 · Apr 2019
Untitled
Ellis Holden Apr 2019
I read today
and for that silver of second
I existed
117 · Feb 22
Pointed Stiletto
Ellis Holden Feb 22
I sharpened my wit, my wardrobe, and my eye
and made myself the most terrifying creature in the room.
115 · Jun 2019
Untitled
Ellis Holden Jun 2019
If they could feel everything as I wrote
just as I did
then maybe they'd know
112 · Sep 2019
Untitled
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
The world doesn't need another sad, sullen poet
-But it still made me
111 · Jul 2019
Untitled
Ellis Holden Jul 2019
it’s ok to love yourself
    it’s ok to let go of the hate
         -what i wish she had known
111 · Sep 2019
But That's Alright
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
See me?
-vast undisturbed classroom walls
Hear me?
-pitch black silence
111 · Jun 2019
Untitled
Ellis Holden Jun 2019
eyes downcast and heart heavy
my mother still smiles
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