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Ellis Holden Feb 2022
My heart sings of your's.
The heart so fickle as to chose me **** Kindness, she is so nice!
The blue and red jewels of her rings smoke
In the windows, the mirrors
Are filling with smiles.

What is so real as the cry of a child?
A rabbit's cry may be wilder
But it has no soul.
Sugar can cure everything, so Kindness says.
Sugar is a necessary intake,

Its crystals a little poultice.
O kindness, kindness
Sweetly picking up pieces!
My Japanese silks, desperate butterflies,
May be pinned any minute, anesthetized.

And here you come, with a cup of tea
Wreathed in steam.
The blood jet is poetry,
There is no stopping it.
You hand me two children, two roses.
Ellis Holden Feb 2022
I have a man
Trapped in my web
Kind in his ways
I wish to cocoon him
Within gentle thread
That will tug at his legs
And tie him to me
Ellis Holden Dec 2021
Remember when you told me you thought you were incapable of loving someone or even liking them in an emotionally romantic way? Did u mean that?

Srry I know we haven’t talked in a while and this is kinda out of the blue but i realized i feel the same way

it’s like i try to connect with someone on that level, that intimate level, where i try to let them in enough to where i feel like they can really see me, and then i just hit a wall

but i feel like i’m always working towards that connection. you know? like everyone wants to be seen.

but it’s stupid because every time i get close enough to that vulnerable visibility i can’t bare to be around that person anymore. every bit of my body revolts and i have to get away from anyone who could possibly see me. i have to get as far away as possible as fast as possible

and i always thought it was just a case of the wrong person

that they weren’t the right one the one who would make me feel comfortable enough
and the next one i picked would be better

but it’s never like that

and maybe it’s not the other person
maybe they’re just doing and feeling what two people who are romantically involved should do and should feel

maybe i’m in the wrong

like i don’t think i can love someone because being close to people makes me feel disgusted with myself

anyways what i’m saying is if u do feel like that i think i get it
Ellis Holden Oct 2021
I want to always sleep beneath the weight
Of your soul. I want to never have the knowledge of being naked.
I want to run without breathing.

I want to greet the sea and the sea’s mother,
Space. I want a mouth full of cigarette smoke.

I want you to feel that i am just as beautiful and fleeting. If the wind has the advantage of existing through everything and with nothing,
I want to step across fall leaves without a sound.

I want to welcome you home, without you feeling the strangeness of my presence.
I want to exist with you

And when apart miss you. I want to lose myself
In low-hanging and unmoving fog. I want to lose
My physical form and have you never miss it.

I want to be the smoke in the fog.
I want to lose my vessel

With infinite possibility of folding in
And with infinite possibility of expanding out.
I want the freedom of infinite and invisible of movement.

I want my nerves to enclose around you.
I want to feel every inch of you.
And I want you to be obvious to my touch.

I want to be the moon you see in the pitch of night. I want to be the crescent and the whole.
I want to be your everything and Nothing.

I want to be the still and clear pool of water,
But not the mirror. I do not want to be the tree.
I do not want to be the book or the fading family

Album of pictures. When I leave this body, Woman, I want to be limitless smoke.
I want to be your breath.
Greatly inspired by Terrance Hayes's Wind in a Box
Ellis Holden Apr 2021
Ellis holding freedom ain’t what it seems
but you were full of such imaginative things
passing in the hallways all the vagrants stopped to whisper

Say that girl’s going to live inside an american dream
pen and paper wind set to sweep her out to sea at ten

And so she believed them
she made up a name for herself and set sail to dock
there is nothing as free as a blank page
but just before her name could hit the wave
a man came along, said he knew all about the land of the brave

And when he looked at her, she never felt so seen
he felt all of her and still had himself to gain
and in ship’s night they’d stare up at the empty sky
dreaming up his life

Said he’d take her to the city
let the lights fill her sky
teach her the maps he’d memorize

And so she believed him
going around the streets she hid behind him
did away with herself and gained a half hearted love
and for a time half can be enough
it’s always that way when you’ve never had love to start

But it’s so hard to be in love when you’re the only one to lose themselves
lose your american dreams in sacrifice to the real thing
what an unimaginable fate

So the girl grows old
built his house and his home
and never did write all her pen paper dreams
but at least she had half a heart
even if it wasn’t hers
i guess ellis holding freedom ain’t what it seems
Ellis Holden Apr 2021
There once was a priest
who went around taking up the winter collections
he had all the people remove their hearts
and he placed them in his basket

At the altar the priest gave them his holy water to soak up
and he kept them there till spring

The end of mass came with church bell’s ring
heartless, we all got up to leave
careful with our new troubles in being
with hearts gone all things go unfeeling
and all you can do is look out the window
and wait for spring
Ellis Holden Apr 2021
I’ve been feeling so small
feet took the best of me
and i didn’t want to tell you
but i thought my flowers were poison
and i thought that’s why he didn’t pick me

But i’ve been feeling so different lately
i stopped fearing the best of me
and i’ve been meaning to tell you
i think that’s why he didn’t pick me

Sun so high
i’m going to be carried away in the breeze
nature’s new lover
what a buzzing full song

I’ve been feeling too floral for the trees
i’ve learned to love me
and i guess i just told you
i don’t need you to pick me

Let my roots grow deep into the earth
let my blooms grow on
consumed by the green
i have love for the butterflies and bees

And i can grow up endlessly
leaves to scrape the sky
i’m going oh so high
and i’m going to be carried away in the arms of my lover’s breeze
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