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Ellis Holden Feb 2019
I shut my bedroom door
now engulfed by the bindings of paper and pen
and I roll my chair to grey desk
stacked high with Dickinson, Bronte's three, and Alvarez
I pull out my writing tools and begin to contemplate
ideas that dare not be discussed in the public of society
Why is it that God must be a man and
What make the human taught ideal of modesty such a binding force
flow through my brain and I breath again
without measure or discernment I am free
in my freedom i think
back to the conversation my mother and I held this morning
A girl had stood in our line of view her hemline resting mid-thigh
My mother had turned to me
"Ellis look at that girl! I can see her ******!" face aghast
I nodded
"It is disgusting that girls these days dress so provocatively!
Thank God I have a modest girl!"
I nodded again
and I thanked God.
     -Modesty Is A Human Construct
Ellis Holden Jun 2019
Me vs Baby.
Who wins the fight
for right and life?

Me living breath of possession
who has held the vote for less than 100
faced jobless incubation since 78'
who never held her own plastic card til 74'

Today I live back in 73'
where my body and life
aren't worth the breath
my festering fetus does not take

Back forty plus years they've dragged me
by terms and contracts of my ******
I did not sign

I saw who voted
and spat at screen

My life is mine
my body mine
I am not your baby making machine

I want to scream
for right
for me
for all they retract
and redact
in their ******* need for control  

We 50.8% of the population
We are here
And you do not own us
Ellis Holden Feb 2
What roof are you climbing or did you already fall and break?
You know it's going to hurt but you can't resist the take
'Cause problems feel less real when you're the only one awake
But be careful oh my angel, new ones always come out late
Do you even care that your heavens' fallings are at stake
Oh what was a careful girl in search of the cation-less

Go ahead and ring the bell, she's been dying for too long
Heart shells empty and fall full from above
Let her sky go on, it's so torn up down here
Choirs calling out to the moonlight (sing, sing, sing)
Take the fall on open wings
Let the self-taught be free (fall, fall, fall)

Let her go, it's all so freeing now
When you're at the sky fall
Take it all in, watch as she flies
Leave me behind

And she was hiding troubles, such downtrodden things
And we, we couldn't save her, we didn't know the way
But she was so full, stars felt their first glow
All because she took the fall and we didn't make her stay
What a terrible price the good always seem to pay

I'm not talking of death, heaven's gates aren't for today
But leaving all you know takes breathing pains away
'Cause oh the air down low it's so heavy with our sin
But the air up high is so unimaginably thin
Only angels fly when it's so hard to live off heaven's falling glow

Let her go, it's all so freeing now
When you're at the sky fall
Take it all in, watch as she flies
Leave me behind
Ellis Holden Jun 2019
Am the so the questions of self begin
Am I her
Do I love him
Am I good
Do I love her
Am I sinful
Do I love them
Am I wonderfully god-sent
or demon of hell
maybe both
Ellis Holden Feb 19
Trigger Warning: eating disorder mentioned
Tell Me Dear,

     Will you remember the days when I starved myself to a spine? Then I needed the hollow bones to match my emptiness inside. I needed to shrink to bare to be seen. Because then I was afraid my emptiness had begun to expand. I feared it would creep from within the confines of my chest and bare itself to the world. And you see, that’s why I had to stop eating. I had to make room in my gut so that I could hold the emptiness back from the world. And when that began to hollow my insides, I felt nothing but pain. I had no room left for the joy, happiness, or relief that containing the empty could bring. Those I left to all of you on the outside full. Maybe that’s why you all saw me as beautiful, because I brought you nothing but good feelings while I sneakingly choked myself on the bad. That goodness I gave you made me an angel in your eyes. But don’t you know angels have to be lighter than air to fly?

With all the love and goodness I could hold,
     Your Empty Flight
Ellis Holden Feb 2
It's the panic
It's the swell and the bump
For my part I'm all so sad
Because it was going all so well
But that's fine, oh well

I shouldn't ever expect a difference
To get to the fruit
A knife always had to cut
And that's fine, oh well

And at least the innards are sweet
If a little tough to chew
And that's fine, oh well
Because it's all the more fun to go inward
When reality doesn't feel like it's real
That it's
The nail in the foot
Seal in the deal
Oh the anxious orange peel

So go ahead
Carve me up to the rind
See if I care
And if I don't
That's fine, oh well

'Cause I feel bigger than life and smaller than fleas
Making faces in the mirror
She's always so hard to please
'Cause it's the panic
The bump and the swell
Quick throw it down the wishing well, well
It makes me feel like such a shell
Tossed in a chopped up body
But that's fine, oh well
And that's fine, oh well
Ellis Holden Feb 11
I sold my soul to the devil
Because she said she loved me
Because she said her burning coal handprints would comfort me
Because she said they were the only way she could love me

With burning coal handprints on my steaming skin she made love to me
Hot and heavy, burning and churning my brittle bones she came into me
Bursting in flames she told me I was like her
Burning a trail of ashen lovers with brittle bones of their own
And I was
But only after she came into my steaming skin
And seeped her flames into my bones
And left me with an arson burned heart
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
My Voice Is My Own
     -A letter to my dad
My Life Is Going To Be My Own
     -A reassurance to myself
Ellis Holden Feb 2
I've been counting the footsteps between you and here
And the conclusion is that it's been years and years
And I hate that I left you in fear
I'm blinded, stuck so far below the light
Just another night

Just another night
And as time turns on, it will only get worse
I broke my head way back when

I don't wanna keep breaking
I don't wanna keep breaking when I see where it leads
Don't want you to meet me
I don't wanna be breaking
'Cause you were so full of light
And I cast shadows
Destroyed who I was and who I've become
Saving you is my only hope
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
See me?
-vast undisturbed classroom walls
Hear me?
-pitch black silence
Ellis Holden Feb 2
A story told in ink, sprawled out on pages and ruined with skin
You captain ***** collected these tattoos by sailing the sea
Above you there were all the stars to see
I guess that's why you never made it back to me

You called me queen of hearts 'cause by being with you I broke so many
But you forget my hearts lie with you
And you never showed

One day I'll wonder what could have been
But for today I'll sit with my roses
Painting a bland love red
Ellis Holden Feb 2
And the stars come in waves so lovely
Is that why you chose the sea over me?
You've always said hearts can only beat
But for once I have something kind to say

***** tell me if it means something to you
Because I want to tell you
That it's all ok
I know the light is so distracting
Strangers' beauty is always so alluring
But I stayed because I was lovesick for you
Oh what a great turning, tossing sea sickness

Was this your way of saying you didn't feel the same?

***** I'm insane
Because I'm not mad only ashamed

A girl can't be queen without her hearts
And mine are lost somewhere in your sea
Dying under the starlight only to be with you

My dear, dear Captain *****
It took all my hearts to love you
Ellis Holden Feb 2
And this was a story that got told by me
But you have a meaning behind it too
Long before I came along
You had a meaning behind it too
So Captain *****
Before I go
I thought I'd let you know
I loved you and your meaning too

And if you're listening
Could you tell me this story by you
I'd like to know your meaning
I'd like this story to touch on another dream
Ellis Holden Jul 2019
Rushing swell of numb
I'm spinning
Ellis Holden Feb 2
Sparkling illusive
Feeling gleaming, filling the waters
What a chaotic world to be born in

You need a pair of drowned lungs, drowned lungs
You need salt water, breathe in, bronze rusting taste on your tongue
You need to let it all in, be you, fade out in void
We're all so alone here
We're all searching for someone not drowned in their lungs here
Breathe in, feel full
You need to stay stone cold, always let the song go unsung
You need to let the water rush in, fill a drinker tank for one
But we're all searching for someone
And you need a pair of drowned lungs

Sparkling illusive
Feeling gleaming, filling the waters
What a chaotic world to be born in
Ellis Holden Apr 5
Ellis holding freedom ain’t what it seems
but you were full of such imaginative things
passing in the hallways all the vagrants stopped to whisper

Say that girl’s going to live inside an american dream
pen and paper wind set to sweep her out to sea at ten

And so she believed them
she made up a name for herself and set sail to dock
there is nothing as free as a blank page
but just before her name could hit the wave
a man came along, said he knew all about the land of the brave

And when he looked at her, she never felt so seen
he felt all of her and still had himself to gain
and in ship’s night they’d stare up at the empty sky
dreaming up his life

Said he’d take her to the city
let the lights fill her sky
teach her the maps he’d memorize

And so she believed him
going around the streets she hid behind him
did away with herself and gained a half hearted love
and for a time half can be enough
it’s always that way when you’ve never had love to start

But it’s so hard to be in love when you’re the only one to lose themselves
lose your american dreams in sacrifice to the real thing
what an unimaginable fate

So the girl grows old
built his house and his home
and never did write all her pen paper dreams
but at least she had half a heart
even if it wasn’t hers
i guess ellis holding freedom ain’t what it seems
Ellis Holden Apr 2019
Has Anyone Every Noticed That god Fills In The Blanks?
-If We Only Use him For The Holes Does he Exist?
Ellis Holden Apr 2019
In split second view I'm gone
I spew blackened mess of truth
And they had me towel
The limit of love's interaction
By it is their floor I stain
And perhaps they're right
Perhaps my hiding the other half
Was me hiding a whole
Because I don't think I've seen the person that died for a long time
And In their eyes and mine I'm
    g
        o
             n
                  e
-Dissipated
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
The stampede hit today
tearing up the green
it'll be sad not to see them grow anymore
     -Goodbye You Wildflowers
Ellis Holden Jun 2019
Wake
Rinse
Rise
Chip
Break
Repeat
Ellis Holden Apr 5
The boy with curly hair
a temporary decoy
guitar gone ecstasy, chords ring out
broke and hollow fears, gone before they could destroy

Let off at the brook
catching feelings off the hook
**** my freezing heartless feet
they’ll drown in the dream of maybe

‘Cause either i’m deadly
or i wanted to die
either i’m deadly
or i wanted to die

Love me as your’s and i’ll meet you at mine

Show up on stage
and i’ll be sure to fantasize
one look in the crowd and one in the eye
play for them and pretend for me

I’ll become the fantasy
you’ll want the flowers i bring for the end
a temporary decoy all too easily
either i’m deadly
or i wanted to die
either i’m deadly
or i wanted to die
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
My Birthday Came Again this Year
Shocking I know
but this time there weren't
any parties or happy wishes
A year had gone and
Nothing to show
this year I spent in tears
And I pray to god it was for
          t  h  i  n  g  s       g  o  n  e
and not for things
          t  o      c  o  m  e
     -Happy Birthdays Come Rare
Ellis Holden Feb 2
Playing, I've been playing hide 'n seek
I say come find me, do I really mean that?
Cause of death will come up as drowned out heart
Caves stay cold and rivers run warm
And hearts never hurt if they don't heat

Rivers rush, but waves come and go
I've never seen heat, I've never been cold
Always alone, I've made hiding a home

I've seen friends jump right in, they all came out drenched
Their rivers form lakes, where hearts go to drown
Would my heart heat out or die in the cold?

Rivers rush, but waves come and go
I've never seen heat, I've never been cold
Always alone, I've made hiding a home

And if we just jump right in, will we come out drenched?
Rivers form lakes, I'm not ready to drown
Could I live in the blue just to have you?
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
Gnarled beast looks back at me.
Its soulless eyes beading down,
my palms slick with anxious, heart-wrenched sweat.
I reach my finger up to meet the squishy, blackened holes.
They sit where eyes should be,
Soully ******* holes in the middle
Flaked, skin flinches at contact,
the action reverberating through my callous finger tips.
I push harder, blood rushes over tawny wrenched flesh,
cracking beneath my nail beds
and thickly seeping to my fingerprints.
Slowly I retract my hand,
moving it to my own snow pale skin.
The blood stains and my wrinkled soul emerges.
      -This Is My Truth
Ellis Holden Apr 2019
I AM Women
I of thought
I poet and social philosopher claim the honor
I am human
-I deserve
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
As you grow
they'll try to prop you up
with rigid twig
and twist you round their garden rules
not realizing you have already sprung
and bloomed round your own forested path
     -I will not be a vine
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
What must it be like to fully exist?
To take shelter fully under one roof
and not be left a page torn in two
One secured by love and hearth
the other too gristly printed
cast to rainy dew and soaked to bone
I should never know.
-I Am Only Half
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
Boys will be Boys
Boys will chase those twirl skirts
Better Pull Yours Down
Before they rip you to the concrete mattress
Boys have no self control
Being but mindless humans of ill decency
Boys will spew with slugged catcalls and woos
But your skirt wasn't modest was it?
Boys have no self control
Better you know that now
Rather than when they excuse themselves from all their actions
      -I'm Sorry We Can't Control (Own-up to) It
Ellis Holden May 2020
he had rock and roll thighs
and pecs to be prized
his sweet dewy skin could only lead to demise
with savored sensuality that leaves breathless and mesmerized  
and **** why is it that men are never sexualized?
Ellis Holden Apr 2019
Are we to understand that this is all
And if so where do we fall
-The beginning, middle, or end
Ellis Holden Feb 2
I went to bed early without you
And it wasn't because I was tired
I stopped saying goodnight to the people I love
And it wasn't because I was tired

It was because I dreading this so much
I'm so sick of keeping my head up
And pretending it belongs to you
I think it's time I let my body like I let everybody down, down
Because It wasn't because I was tired

Look at these eyes of mine
Look at the way they're crying
Cast out like sea glass cutting at me and bleeding out all that shame
Sharp edges to keep you away
And waves to smooth it all out
They only fix it after the crack
And that takes a lot of drowning
But you were just such a lovely-dovey-lovely love
How could you ever hurt me?

Meanwhile I'm
Beating, bleeding, chipping, bruising
Sea glass is always mean

Meanwhile you're
Beating, bleeding, chipping, bruising
The sea glass into me
I went to bed early without you
And it wasn't because I was tired
It was because I was dreading this so much
And this wasn't because I was tired
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
The arrow pierces my heart in abhorrent glow.
It stings against my flesh and cuts me raw.
The arrow of love is one that does me no justice;
It flies hand in hand with that of heartbreak
from which pain pours from me like a sapped tree.
I am but an immobile lump of little intellect
and I have all to blame in that arrow t
hat pierced me with such malicious intent
and softened my heart, now beating much in my chest.
The arrow in its self appears of fluff and excellence;
it is the prize above all men,
but at second snap of bow the hand strikes,
coarse against my being.
That second arrow beats me black and blue
till I can carry on no more
and then it presents the audacity to say "but I love you."
And with that I break
I go flying mad by all accounts.
My heart now drips down my open chest
and tears down my face,
but with eyes of love beading down my soul
the words echo out my own lips.
I say it back, that "I love you"
and I move to gentle, callous embrace
of those love and heartbreak
who stitch me up with arrow and thread
and wrap me secure.
     - I've Never Been One For Love
Ellis Holden Feb 2
Met this woman who looked just like you
Same old smile and eyes of blue
With your rosy cheeks and dancing curls
But her heart was cold with beating gone,
funny how life unfurls
Whatever happened to my girl?
With hearts in blush and laughing free
Oh oh oh, where is she?

I don't love the girl that you've become
Why was I always pushing away
'Cause every time you'd pull me in
I told you to **** and I pushed off again
They were good to say ******* never win
I'm sorry I put you in my skin
Maybe one day I'll let us both go
Maybe one day you'll finally be free

I haven't seen you since that day
Did you ever forget my face?
'Cause sometimes I turn too quick and search for your place
And I haven't smiled since you went away
Baby I'll sit in front but I won't touch the door
I know I'm too gone now to retrace

Maybe one day I'll let us both go
And you'll be free too
Maybe one day I'll let us both go
And you'll be free too
Maybe one day I'll let us both go
And you'll be free too
But then again, they never win
Met this woman who looked just like you
funny how life unfurls
Ellis Holden Jul 2019
the day my handwriting
became adult
-I linked the chain
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
I was born on September 19th, 2008
Mid-twilight the birds were still singing
Mama I never knew my fate

8.6 lb was my weight
I came into this world cries ringing
I was born on September 19th, 2008

Going to school was great. Mama I’d met my first playmate
Then we were swinging, ignoring the bell’s ringing
Mama I never knew my fate

It was show and tell date. Mama you packed me my ice skate.
My playmate and I walked to class grinning
I was born on September 19th, 2008

Mama Jimmy was just my classmate
But what he pulled out of his backpack was menacing
Mama I never knew my fate

Try not to hate
I died gun still ringing
I was born on September 19th, 2008
Mama I never knew my fate
Ellis Holden Sep 2020
Oh by light of mother moon
I tried to leave the party, so scared of coming down
Heading out I saw the shadow of your back
The moon she led me here to worship in the night
And I came to the moment I saw your face
Something so distant but nearing to the edge
Please don't leave me yet
Please don't leave me yet

Up so late at night, no point in sleeping now
I took your hand and made you dance in the glow
Strangers coming together in the middle of the night
We were spinning round so full of life, nearing death
Mother's always led me to the places most full of light
Of course that's why she brought me here

You asked about my family and I gave no reply
I had to introduce you to the moon
She's been my mother for a time
And me heart was racing so long into the night
I've never loved so quick, so fast, and full
And I've never left so quick, so fast, just had to let you go

If only for the moment we were meant to last
A love so perfect, we lived a lifetime in the night
It doesn't have to last, but for now we'll live so full
Please don't leave me yet
Just last a moment longer
Please don't leave me yet
Just last a moment longer

We were carving through the dark
I took you to the beach, we had to catch the last of her rays
And oh the sun was rising, we had to see it end
Took the last moment of the night, the moon let us go
We never really met

Strangers coming together in the middle of the night
Mother's always led me to the places most full of light
I'm sure that's why she brought me here
Ellis Holden Apr 5
I’ve been feeling so small
feet took the best of me
and i didn’t want to tell you
but i thought my flowers were poison
and i thought that’s why he didn’t pick me

But i’ve been feeling so different lately
i stopped fearing the best of me
and i’ve been meaning to tell you
i think that’s why he didn’t pick me

Sun so high
i’m going to be carried away in the breeze
nature’s new lover
what a buzzing full song

I’ve been feeling too floral for the trees
i’ve learned to love me
and i guess i just told you
i don’t need you to pick me

Let my roots grow deep into the earth
let my blooms grow on
consumed by the green
i have love for the butterflies and bees

And i can grow up endlessly
leaves to scrape the sky
i’m going oh so high
and i’m going to be carried away in the arms of my lover’s breeze
Ellis Holden Jun 2019
Ellis isn’t real
Dissipates after quick google search
But here she breathes
Ellis Holden Feb 22
I sharpened my wit, my wardrobe, and my eye
and made myself the most terrifying creature in the room.
Ellis Holden Feb 2
I'm nothing but an emotional drain
I syphon every bit of good from your life
And leave the bad in the tub

Oooh it's not intentional
It's just the way I am

And the way I am is something missing
Just the H and the O

Oooh I'm emotional
The tears are always gonna rain

And they'll rain over you
If you choose to stay

And I can't be any good to you
Because a drain can only take

Oooh I'm emotional
I think you made a mistake

You should go and seek her out

'Cause towels are better than the drain
Let them soak up the mess I've made

Just be careful not to slip as you get out

Oooh it's not intentional
It's just the way I am, am I, am, am, am I
I am >>
Nothing but an emotional drain
I syphon every bit of good from your life
And leave the bad in the tub
Ellis Holden Oct 8
I want to always sleep beneath the weight
Of your soul. I want to never have the knowledge of being naked.
I want to run without breathing.

I want to greet the sea and the sea’s mother,
Space. I want a mouth full of cigarette smoke.

I want you to feel that i am just as beautiful and fleeting. If the wind has the advantage of existing through everything and with nothing,
I want to step across fall leaves without a sound.

I want to welcome you home, without you feeling the strangeness of my presence.
I want to exist with you

And when apart miss you. I want to lose myself
In low-hanging and unmoving fog. I want to lose
My physical form and have you never miss it.

I want to be the smoke in the fog.
I want to lose my vessel

With infinite possibility of folding in
And with infinite possibility of expanding out.
I want the freedom of infinite and invisible of movement.

I want my nerves to enclose around you.
I want to feel every inch of you.
And I want you to be obvious to my touch.

I want to be the moon you see in the pitch of night. I want to be the crescent and the whole.
I want to be your everything and Nothing.

I want to be the still and clear pool of water,
But not the mirror. I do not want to be the tree.
I do not want to be the book or the fading family

Album of pictures. When I leave this body, Woman, I want to be limitless smoke.
I want to be your breath.
Greatly inspired by Terrance Hayes's Wind in a Box
Ellis Holden Feb 13
The windows are clear and empty
Panes so blue they can't be real
In my life I'm all gone
You can see right through me
My head's so clear and empty
Pains so blue they can't be real
'Cause it's easy living in the world we pretend it to be

And I've never been that good at being seen
Just look right through me
'Cause it's easy to give the light when your in a flat reality
I'm just a shiny face, glittery but oh so empty
Just look right through me
Panes so blue they can't be real, living so easy
Pains to blue they can't be real, living so easy

Throw the rock from under your bed
Go across the street, shatter me
Take the blue and set me free
So sickened by the empty

Panes so blue they can't be real
In my life I'm all gone
You can see right through me
My head's so clear and empty
Pains so blue they can't be real
'Cause it's easy living in the world we pretend it to be
Ellis Holden May 2020
we're running through dreams
hiding amide humming street's glow
the whole world asleep
and we forgotten
have escaped its trap

we're laughing life away
smiling out all our obligation
we're flailing arms in disregard
you and me,
we're going to run forever

but dear we didn't see
we didn't see where we were running
what was meant as a right became a left
and oh we're so lost

but the whole world is asleep
and we, we were forgotten
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
souls standing in the mirror clear as glass
wasting lives in assumed iridescence
never would you notice us as we pass
exteriors shine blindingly florescent
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
TRIGGER WARNING!!!

              UP?
What's
   I'm BACK
READY TO attack

Here let me hit you with the VIDEOTAPE of
****

SHUSH ssshhhhuuussh........
I know don't scream
and don't worry I wouldn't want to make a scen-
ONE IN FOUR!

WHAT?! No!
No, that's not what I mean!
Where the heck did that even come fr-
STREET LIGHT IS OUT
HE WATCHES YOU WALK! HURRY OU-

Ha ha, no worries dear, i'm sure he's a nice guy
Afterall not all men-
HIS STEPS TRACING YOURS!

Don't worry he must just want to talk!
You are a very pretty woma-
Oh he thinks so too-
NO! IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE YOU!

Someone walks by.
You terrible youth!
Take your indecency off the streets!
YOU THE ONE IN TATTERED CLOTHES!

Then again you weren't wearing much of an outfit before.
Did you plan this?
TIME STOPS.

TICK TOCK TICK TOPPLE

Well dear times up.
Go on get up!
Don't forget to pick up your clothes on your way out!
Ellis Holden May 2020
one must always remember
that even in midnight’s pitch
the moon still sheds its  light
Ellis Holden Jun 2019
birds ran today
never flying
never dying
Ellis Holden Feb 2019
Charlotte I'm so glad
that your          voice
                and freedom
were found
but now I feel
it is time to find
my
                                         own.
     -the tried and true of growing up
Ellis Holden Jun 2019
Wisdom arbitrarily determined
By tallied walls
Gains nothing but past mistakes
And generations’ stupidity
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