Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Oct 8 · 26
Small-Scale Smoke
Ellis Holden Oct 8
I want to always sleep beneath the weight
Of your soul. I want to never have the knowledge of being naked.
I want to run without breathing.

I want to greet the sea and the sea’s mother,
Space. I want a mouth full of cigarette smoke.

I want you to feel that i am just as beautiful and fleeting. If the wind has the advantage of existing through everything and with nothing,
I want to step across fall leaves without a sound.

I want to welcome you home, without you feeling the strangeness of my presence.
I want to exist with you

And when apart miss you. I want to lose myself
In low-hanging and unmoving fog. I want to lose
My physical form and have you never miss it.

I want to be the smoke in the fog.
I want to lose my vessel

With infinite possibility of folding in
And with infinite possibility of expanding out.
I want the freedom of infinite and invisible of movement.

I want my nerves to enclose around you.
I want to feel every inch of you.
And I want you to be obvious to my touch.

I want to be the moon you see in the pitch of night. I want to be the crescent and the whole.
I want to be your everything and Nothing.

I want to be the still and clear pool of water,
But not the mirror. I do not want to be the tree.
I do not want to be the book or the fading family

Album of pictures. When I leave this body, Woman, I want to be limitless smoke.
I want to be your breath.
Greatly inspired by Terrance Hayes's Wind in a Box
Apr 5 · 34
Ellis Holding Freedom
Ellis Holden Apr 5
Ellis holding freedom ain’t what it seems
but you were full of such imaginative things
passing in the hallways all the vagrants stopped to whisper

Say that girl’s going to live inside an american dream
pen and paper wind set to sweep her out to sea at ten

And so she believed them
she made up a name for herself and set sail to dock
there is nothing as free as a blank page
but just before her name could hit the wave
a man came along, said he knew all about the land of the brave

And when he looked at her, she never felt so seen
he felt all of her and still had himself to gain
and in ship’s night they’d stare up at the empty sky
dreaming up his life

Said he’d take her to the city
let the lights fill her sky
teach her the maps he’d memorize

And so she believed him
going around the streets she hid behind him
did away with herself and gained a half hearted love
and for a time half can be enough
it’s always that way when you’ve never had love to start

But it’s so hard to be in love when you’re the only one to lose themselves
lose your american dreams in sacrifice to the real thing
what an unimaginable fate

So the girl grows old
built his house and his home
and never did write all her pen paper dreams
but at least she had half a heart
even if it wasn’t hers
i guess ellis holding freedom ain’t what it seems
Apr 5 · 36
Untitled
Ellis Holden Apr 5
There once was a priest
who went around taking up the winter collections
he had all the people remove their hearts
and he placed them in his basket

At the altar the priest gave them his holy water to soak up
and he kept them there till spring

The end of mass came with church bell’s ring
heartless, we all got up to leave
careful with our new troubles in being
with hearts gone all things go unfeeling
and all you can do is look out the window
and wait for spring
Apr 5 · 166
My Lover’s Breeze
Ellis Holden Apr 5
I’ve been feeling so small
feet took the best of me
and i didn’t want to tell you
but i thought my flowers were poison
and i thought that’s why he didn’t pick me

But i’ve been feeling so different lately
i stopped fearing the best of me
and i’ve been meaning to tell you
i think that’s why he didn’t pick me

Sun so high
i’m going to be carried away in the breeze
nature’s new lover
what a buzzing full song

I’ve been feeling too floral for the trees
i’ve learned to love me
and i guess i just told you
i don’t need you to pick me

Let my roots grow deep into the earth
let my blooms grow on
consumed by the green
i have love for the butterflies and bees

And i can grow up endlessly
leaves to scrape the sky
i’m going oh so high
and i’m going to be carried away in the arms of my lover’s breeze
Apr 5 · 711
Groupie Love
Ellis Holden Apr 5
The boy with curly hair
a temporary decoy
guitar gone ecstasy, chords ring out
broke and hollow fears, gone before they could destroy

Let off at the brook
catching feelings off the hook
**** my freezing heartless feet
they’ll drown in the dream of maybe

‘Cause either i’m deadly
or i wanted to die
either i’m deadly
or i wanted to die

Love me as your’s and i’ll meet you at mine

Show up on stage
and i’ll be sure to fantasize
one look in the crowd and one in the eye
play for them and pretend for me

I’ll become the fantasy
you’ll want the flowers i bring for the end
a temporary decoy all too easily
either i’m deadly
or i wanted to die
either i’m deadly
or i wanted to die
Feb 22 · 117
Pointed Stiletto
Ellis Holden Feb 22
I sharpened my wit, my wardrobe, and my eye
and made myself the most terrifying creature in the room.
Feb 19 · 178
Angel’s Letter
Ellis Holden Feb 19
Trigger Warning: eating disorder mentioned
Tell Me Dear,

     Will you remember the days when I starved myself to a spine? Then I needed the hollow bones to match my emptiness inside. I needed to shrink to bare to be seen. Because then I was afraid my emptiness had begun to expand. I feared it would creep from within the confines of my chest and bare itself to the world. And you see, that’s why I had to stop eating. I had to make room in my gut so that I could hold the emptiness back from the world. And when that began to hollow my insides, I felt nothing but pain. I had no room left for the joy, happiness, or relief that containing the empty could bring. Those I left to all of you on the outside full. Maybe that’s why you all saw me as beautiful, because I brought you nothing but good feelings while I sneakingly choked myself on the bad. That goodness I gave you made me an angel in your eyes. But don’t you know angels have to be lighter than air to fly?

With all the love and goodness I could hold,
     Your Empty Flight
Feb 13 · 44
So Blue
Ellis Holden Feb 13
The windows are clear and empty
Panes so blue they can't be real
In my life I'm all gone
You can see right through me
My head's so clear and empty
Pains so blue they can't be real
'Cause it's easy living in the world we pretend it to be

And I've never been that good at being seen
Just look right through me
'Cause it's easy to give the light when your in a flat reality
I'm just a shiny face, glittery but oh so empty
Just look right through me
Panes so blue they can't be real, living so easy
Pains to blue they can't be real, living so easy

Throw the rock from under your bed
Go across the street, shatter me
Take the blue and set me free
So sickened by the empty

Panes so blue they can't be real
In my life I'm all gone
You can see right through me
My head's so clear and empty
Pains so blue they can't be real
'Cause it's easy living in the world we pretend it to be
Feb 11 · 155
Arson Burned Heart
Ellis Holden Feb 11
I sold my soul to the devil
Because she said she loved me
Because she said her burning coal handprints would comfort me
Because she said they were the only way she could love me

With burning coal handprints on my steaming skin she made love to me
Hot and heavy, burning and churning my brittle bones she came into me
Bursting in flames she told me I was like her
Burning a trail of ashen lovers with brittle bones of their own
And I was
But only after she came into my steaming skin
And seeped her flames into my bones
And left me with an arson burned heart
Feb 2 · 33
Hide 'n Seek
Ellis Holden Feb 2
Playing, I've been playing hide 'n seek
I say come find me, do I really mean that?
Cause of death will come up as drowned out heart
Caves stay cold and rivers run warm
And hearts never hurt if they don't heat

Rivers rush, but waves come and go
I've never seen heat, I've never been cold
Always alone, I've made hiding a home

I've seen friends jump right in, they all came out drenched
Their rivers form lakes, where hearts go to drown
Would my heart heat out or die in the cold?

Rivers rush, but waves come and go
I've never seen heat, I've never been cold
Always alone, I've made hiding a home

And if we just jump right in, will we come out drenched?
Rivers form lakes, I'm not ready to drown
Could I live in the blue just to have you?
Feb 2 · 46
Broken Night
Ellis Holden Feb 2
I've been counting the footsteps between you and here
And the conclusion is that it's been years and years
And I hate that I left you in fear
I'm blinded, stuck so far below the light
Just another night

Just another night
And as time turns on, it will only get worse
I broke my head way back when

I don't wanna keep breaking
I don't wanna keep breaking when I see where it leads
Don't want you to meet me
I don't wanna be breaking
'Cause you were so full of light
And I cast shadows
Destroyed who I was and who I've become
Saving you is my only hope
Feb 2 · 30
Like Her
Ellis Holden Feb 2
Met this woman who looked just like you
Same old smile and eyes of blue
With your rosy cheeks and dancing curls
But her heart was cold with beating gone,
funny how life unfurls
Whatever happened to my girl?
With hearts in blush and laughing free
Oh oh oh, where is she?

I don't love the girl that you've become
Why was I always pushing away
'Cause every time you'd pull me in
I told you to **** and I pushed off again
They were good to say ******* never win
I'm sorry I put you in my skin
Maybe one day I'll let us both go
Maybe one day you'll finally be free

I haven't seen you since that day
Did you ever forget my face?
'Cause sometimes I turn too quick and search for your place
And I haven't smiled since you went away
Baby I'll sit in front but I won't touch the door
I know I'm too gone now to retrace

Maybe one day I'll let us both go
And you'll be free too
Maybe one day I'll let us both go
And you'll be free too
Maybe one day I'll let us both go
And you'll be free too
But then again, they never win
Met this woman who looked just like you
funny how life unfurls
Ellis Holden Feb 2
I went to bed early without you
And it wasn't because I was tired
I stopped saying goodnight to the people I love
And it wasn't because I was tired

It was because I dreading this so much
I'm so sick of keeping my head up
And pretending it belongs to you
I think it's time I let my body like I let everybody down, down
Because It wasn't because I was tired

Look at these eyes of mine
Look at the way they're crying
Cast out like sea glass cutting at me and bleeding out all that shame
Sharp edges to keep you away
And waves to smooth it all out
They only fix it after the crack
And that takes a lot of drowning
But you were just such a lovely-dovey-lovely love
How could you ever hurt me?

Meanwhile I'm
Beating, bleeding, chipping, bruising
Sea glass is always mean

Meanwhile you're
Beating, bleeding, chipping, bruising
The sea glass into me
I went to bed early without you
And it wasn't because I was tired
It was because I was dreading this so much
And this wasn't because I was tired
Feb 2 · 40
Rub A Dub Tub
Ellis Holden Feb 2
I'm nothing but an emotional drain
I syphon every bit of good from your life
And leave the bad in the tub

Oooh it's not intentional
It's just the way I am

And the way I am is something missing
Just the H and the O

Oooh I'm emotional
The tears are always gonna rain

And they'll rain over you
If you choose to stay

And I can't be any good to you
Because a drain can only take

Oooh I'm emotional
I think you made a mistake

You should go and seek her out

'Cause towels are better than the drain
Let them soak up the mess I've made

Just be careful not to slip as you get out

Oooh it's not intentional
It's just the way I am, am I, am, am, am I
I am >>
Nothing but an emotional drain
I syphon every bit of good from your life
And leave the bad in the tub
Feb 2 · 157
Alarm Song
Ellis Holden Feb 2
What roof are you climbing or did you already fall and break?
You know it's going to hurt but you can't resist the take
'Cause problems feel less real when you're the only one awake
But be careful oh my angel, new ones always come out late
Do you even care that your heavens' fallings are at stake
Oh what was a careful girl in search of the cation-less

Go ahead and ring the bell, she's been dying for too long
Heart shells empty and fall full from above
Let her sky go on, it's so torn up down here
Choirs calling out to the moonlight (sing, sing, sing)
Take the fall on open wings
Let the self-taught be free (fall, fall, fall)

Let her go, it's all so freeing now
When you're at the sky fall
Take it all in, watch as she flies
Leave me behind

And she was hiding troubles, such downtrodden things
And we, we couldn't save her, we didn't know the way
But she was so full, stars felt their first glow
All because she took the fall and we didn't make her stay
What a terrible price the good always seem to pay

I'm not talking of death, heaven's gates aren't for today
But leaving all you know takes breathing pains away
'Cause oh the air down low it's so heavy with our sin
But the air up high is so unimaginably thin
Only angels fly when it's so hard to live off heaven's falling glow

Let her go, it's all so freeing now
When you're at the sky fall
Take it all in, watch as she flies
Leave me behind
Feb 2 · 40
Anxious Orange Peel
Ellis Holden Feb 2
It's the panic
It's the swell and the bump
For my part I'm all so sad
Because it was going all so well
But that's fine, oh well

I shouldn't ever expect a difference
To get to the fruit
A knife always had to cut
And that's fine, oh well

And at least the innards are sweet
If a little tough to chew
And that's fine, oh well
Because it's all the more fun to go inward
When reality doesn't feel like it's real
That it's
The nail in the foot
Seal in the deal
Oh the anxious orange peel

So go ahead
Carve me up to the rind
See if I care
And if I don't
That's fine, oh well

'Cause I feel bigger than life and smaller than fleas
Making faces in the mirror
She's always so hard to please
'Cause it's the panic
The bump and the swell
Quick throw it down the wishing well, well
It makes me feel like such a shell
Tossed in a chopped up body
But that's fine, oh well
And that's fine, oh well
Ellis Holden Feb 2
Sparkling illusive
Feeling gleaming, filling the waters
What a chaotic world to be born in

You need a pair of drowned lungs, drowned lungs
You need salt water, breathe in, bronze rusting taste on your tongue
You need to let it all in, be you, fade out in void
We're all so alone here
We're all searching for someone not drowned in their lungs here
Breathe in, feel full
You need to stay stone cold, always let the song go unsung
You need to let the water rush in, fill a drinker tank for one
But we're all searching for someone
And you need a pair of drowned lungs

Sparkling illusive
Feeling gleaming, filling the waters
What a chaotic world to be born in
Feb 2 · 829
Captain Screw (pt 3)
Ellis Holden Feb 2
And this was a story that got told by me
But you have a meaning behind it too
Long before I came along
You had a meaning behind it too
So Captain *****
Before I go
I thought I'd let you know
I loved you and your meaning too

And if you're listening
Could you tell me this story by you
I'd like to know your meaning
I'd like this story to touch on another dream
Feb 2 · 777
Captain Screw (pt 2)
Ellis Holden Feb 2
And the stars come in waves so lovely
Is that why you chose the sea over me?
You've always said hearts can only beat
But for once I have something kind to say

***** tell me if it means something to you
Because I want to tell you
That it's all ok
I know the light is so distracting
Strangers' beauty is always so alluring
But I stayed because I was lovesick for you
Oh what a great turning, tossing sea sickness

Was this your way of saying you didn't feel the same?

***** I'm insane
Because I'm not mad only ashamed

A girl can't be queen without her hearts
And mine are lost somewhere in your sea
Dying under the starlight only to be with you

My dear, dear Captain *****
It took all my hearts to love you
Feb 2 · 726
Captain Screw (pt 1)
Ellis Holden Feb 2
A story told in ink, sprawled out on pages and ruined with skin
You captain ***** collected these tattoos by sailing the sea
Above you there were all the stars to see
I guess that's why you never made it back to me

You called me queen of hearts 'cause by being with you I broke so many
But you forget my hearts lie with you
And you never showed

One day I'll wonder what could have been
But for today I'll sit with my roses
Painting a bland love red
Sep 2020 · 136
Moon Song
Ellis Holden Sep 2020
Oh by light of mother moon
I tried to leave the party, so scared of coming down
Heading out I saw the shadow of your back
The moon she led me here to worship in the night
And I came to the moment I saw your face
Something so distant but nearing to the edge
Please don't leave me yet
Please don't leave me yet

Up so late at night, no point in sleeping now
I took your hand and made you dance in the glow
Strangers coming together in the middle of the night
We were spinning round so full of life, nearing death
Mother's always led me to the places most full of light
Of course that's why she brought me here

You asked about my family and I gave no reply
I had to introduce you to the moon
She's been my mother for a time
And me heart was racing so long into the night
I've never loved so quick, so fast, and full
And I've never left so quick, so fast, just had to let you go

If only for the moment we were meant to last
A love so perfect, we lived a lifetime in the night
It doesn't have to last, but for now we'll live so full
Please don't leave me yet
Just last a moment longer
Please don't leave me yet
Just last a moment longer

We were carving through the dark
I took you to the beach, we had to catch the last of her rays
And oh the sun was rising, we had to see it end
Took the last moment of the night, the moon let us go
We never really met

Strangers coming together in the middle of the night
Mother's always led me to the places most full of light
I'm sure that's why she brought me here
May 2020 · 61
there is hope
Ellis Holden May 2020
one must always remember
that even in midnight’s pitch
the moon still sheds its  light
May 2020 · 236
Untitled
Ellis Holden May 2020
my words may always sound pretty
but sometimes i'm afraid they're only hollow
May 2020 · 69
In The Way That Women Are
Ellis Holden May 2020
he had rock and roll thighs
and pecs to be prized
his sweet dewy skin could only lead to demise
with savored sensuality that leaves breathless and mesmerized  
and **** why is it that men are never sexualized?
May 2020 · 76
Street lamp's glow
Ellis Holden May 2020
we're running through dreams
hiding amide humming street's glow
the whole world asleep
and we forgotten
have escaped its trap

we're laughing life away
smiling out all our obligation
we're flailing arms in disregard
you and me,
we're going to run forever

but dear we didn't see
we didn't see where we were running
what was meant as a right became a left
and oh we're so lost

but the whole world is asleep
and we, we were forgotten
Feb 2020 · 1.6k
We can't love
Ellis Holden Feb 2020
Oh darling I'm in love
Oh darling I'm in love with you

Oh darling the way you smile
Oh darling your smile sets everything a glow

Oh darling my heart to you
Oh darling fully yours to crush

Oh darling you know nothing
Oh darling what I feel for her

But oh darling I do feel
Oh darling the love between us

But oh darling you don't know
Oh darling you just don't know what stands between

Oh darling I do hope
Oh darling I do hope you won't leave me

But oh darling you do hate
Oh darling you do hate those like me

Oh darling to you those girls are ****
Oh darling they are objects of desire

But oh darling they aren't people
And oh darling i'm just like them

And oh darling to you those boys are hazards
Oh darling those boys are wrenches in God's great machine

But oh darling those boys are my brothers
And oh darling I'm just like them

Oh my dear darling  we're going to have to let each other go
Oh darling I'm going to have to let you go
#lgbtqia #bi #lgbt #love #valentinesday #valentine #sad #darling
Feb 2020 · 445
Untitled
Ellis Holden Feb 2020
my heart doesn't just burn for you
you set my world on fire
Feb 2020 · 124
Untitled
Ellis Holden Feb 2020
You make the cold dark warm and bright
Feb 2020 · 106
Untitled
Ellis Holden Feb 2020
Things I Know About You:
You play hockey.
You're undeniably funny.
You're going to be the best pilot ever.
You like hot chocolate but have enough self control not to eat all the mini marshmallows first.
You think the world of your friends.
You're easy to talk to.
You make me smile.
Feb 2020 · 72
Untitled
Ellis Holden Feb 2020
my heart doesn't beat in my chest it rests in your's
-please don't crush it
Feb 2020 · 67
Untitled
Ellis Holden Feb 2020
His smile was the best kind of contagious
Oct 2019 · 126
Untitled
Ellis Holden Oct 2019
Am I their's
Or mine
Where do I belong?
Oct 2019 · 78
Untitled
Ellis Holden Oct 2019
We're peddling our bikes
hoping views will change
picturing grass greens and ocean blues
peddling under night's and mid-afternoon skies
following the nightingales and morning robins  
but the the point has been lost
and we're without wheels
Sep 2019 · 112
Untitled
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
The world doesn't need another sad, sullen poet
-But it still made me
Sep 2019 · 111
But That's Alright
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
See me?
-vast undisturbed classroom walls
Hear me?
-pitch black silence
Sep 2019 · 205
Untitled
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
If we burned the bibles
   -debricked the churches
Who would we be?
Sep 2019 · 178
Mama
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
I was born on September 19th, 2008
Mid-twilight the birds were still singing
Mama I never knew my fate

8.6 lb was my weight
I came into this world cries ringing
I was born on September 19th, 2008

Going to school was great. Mama I’d met my first playmate
Then we were swinging, ignoring the bell’s ringing
Mama I never knew my fate

It was show and tell date. Mama you packed me my ice skate.
My playmate and I walked to class grinning
I was born on September 19th, 2008

Mama Jimmy was just my classmate
But what he pulled out of his backpack was menacing
Mama I never knew my fate

Try not to hate
I died gun still ringing
I was born on September 19th, 2008
Mama I never knew my fate
Sep 2019 · 64
Untitled
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
souls standing in the mirror clear as glass
wasting our lives in thought iridescence
never would you notice us as we pass
exteriors shine blindingly florescent

Why need look more? Blonde, tall, and skinny
basic for sure. short, mousy, and brunette
you’ve seen the type. Just a mass city
walking under peer given name. Preset.

Masking our heart beating singular tune.
Towards directions anew. There it goes.
hidden in the dark of glowing moon
beyond the crescent’s glow, stay shadows

so when you’ve looked and you’ve seen
what more is there? Why look beyond the scene?
Sep 2019 · 110
Untitled
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
In meditation they teach you to turn everything off.
Flick the switch on your thoughts.
Redirect.
Now, I'm a master at that.
I stare blank at the floor.
The boards are thin, dark wood, and recently restained.
There's a scratch the size of my fingernail in the right corner.
   -I seem to have lost the switch.
Sep 2019 · 50
Untitled
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
I can't think.
It's like i'm sitting in fog
looking for something
I've never even seen.

And what these words mean I can't say.
Sep 2019 · 63
Untitled
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
great shelves have built worlds
and destroyed souls
-I'm there
-Can you see me?
Sep 2019 · 96
Sunbeams Shining
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
souls standing in the mirror clear as glass
wasting lives in assumed iridescence
never would you notice us as we pass
exteriors shine blindingly florescent
Sep 2019 · 50
Untitled
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
I've failed but this time I'll fail better
Sep 2019 · 71
The Clock's Cracked
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
TRIGGER WARNING!!!

              UP?
What's
   I'm BACK
READY TO attack

Here let me hit you with the VIDEOTAPE of
****

SHUSH ssshhhhuuussh........
I know don't scream
and don't worry I wouldn't want to make a scen-
ONE IN FOUR!

WHAT?! No!
No, that's not what I mean!
Where the heck did that even come fr-
STREET LIGHT IS OUT
HE WATCHES YOU WALK! HURRY OU-

Ha ha, no worries dear, i'm sure he's a nice guy
Afterall not all men-
HIS STEPS TRACING YOURS!

Don't worry he must just want to talk!
You are a very pretty woma-
Oh he thinks so too-
NO! IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE YOU!

Someone walks by.
You terrible youth!
Take your indecency off the streets!
YOU THE ONE IN TATTERED CLOTHES!

Then again you weren't wearing much of an outfit before.
Did you plan this?
TIME STOPS.

TICK TOCK TICK TOPPLE

Well dear times up.
Go on get up!
Don't forget to pick up your clothes on your way out!
Sep 2019 · 141
Untitled
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
Sleepless 2 AM
Rolling pen over paper
Sentences b
u
r
n
i
n
g
Sep 2019 · 95
Untitled
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
Def ear fallen in cacophonous tune
weightless over crackling floor
taming unknown burdens
Sep 2019 · 68
Untitled
Ellis Holden Sep 2019
The windows are clear
and empty
-How to spot a missing soul
Jul 2019 · 63
Untitled
Ellis Holden Jul 2019
I'm standing in the mirror
but there is nothing there
-clear as glass
Jul 2019 · 90
Untitled
Ellis Holden Jul 2019
Didn't eat til 3
at 10 it’s screaming
-sinking stability
Jul 2019 · 61
Untitled
Ellis Holden Jul 2019
Dear Mama,
   I don't think you ever taught me to love.

With much indifference,
-Grinding rocks
Next page