Heart throbbing to the rhythm of the anthem
My breath short, hesitant
Legs that sway to the deep warm music
My lungs hurt with effort

Inhaling strongly I willed myself to sing
Feelings emerged, slowly swelling
My heart cracked open
Slipping the catch of emotions

The memories flooded back
Burning back of my eyes
A instinctive reaction I couldn't resist
Nails dig deep into the flesh

Thrill of sudden pain pulling together
Once again the tears are hidden
Stored away forever
To be left buried but never forgotten

Despite all we've been through
You still believe the lies
The figmented truth they sell us
In neatly folded towels
Ironed sheets and fresh linen
Tempting us with home
A seemingly harmless word
Dragging us under
Sinking us deep
Those words held memories
Drilled into our bones
Buried in the recesses of hearts
While we wander the streets
Clutching to our rags
Nursing broken dreams
Scampering like mice in the night
Tugging at loose ends
On the pieces of frayed cloth
For the unspoken promises
The light at the end of the tunnel
The reward from the journey
You didn't believe me
When I said survival is for the fittest
But you have seen for yourself
There are no such things as miracles

Lost her innocence, before she was nine.
Left, hurt and broken,
Fragmented's her mind.

Never had a father, nor did she have a home.
Irresponsible mother,
Left survival for her own.

For an ounce or quarter, and she'd share her night.
Living in fear and terror,
In a constant indomitable fight.

the thin filmsy material;
steel, copper, metal,
it doesn't matter.
push it into my flesh;
for that instance, it becomes titanium,
i am titanium.
the soft tugging temptation,
an acute pain filled sharpness;
the constant flow, an electric like current
willing me to plunge the blade
into my skin
once again.

my conscience begin to blur,
everything turns hazy;
but not my heart,
the heart burns like a flame,
bright and strong.
the slow beading of the wounds,
pairing with the rythm of my heart.
now protecting it,
a layer of amethyst pearls;
it's so beautiful, the most elegant moves,
the most gorgeous pattern ever formed.
and i do it,
once again.

As one buries the prohibited childhood feelings,
Rage and sorrows buried in shallow graves.

The decomposing body of half-eaten grief,
Rising up before my waking eyes it is.

Worms crawl from its eyes and nose,
Hunks of flesh torn from the face and neck.

For only the suppression of justified rage in childhood,
Makes a person violent and blind.

Am I really home
What is home
What isn't
Familiarity estranged
Causes and excuses
Broken lies
Forgotten promises
We all never made
Who are they
Everyone just gawking
At everything and nothing
At where I stood still
Where is myself
Left her locked up
Right she isnt
Who is the writer
Behind this
Sordid
Distorted
Broken
Poem or prose
Who am I
What am I
Is it me or is it really
You
I am here but not
The existing that's extinct
Appearing while I disappear
Depressed but not
Living like the dead

I’ve made a promise have to complete

thee a loser never to compete

my soul tattered that’s how i’ll bleed

diminish all shalt rid

mundanes with fine talent make perfect stead

as i’m gone who would take the lead

night wind howling as pain licks

hollow through my core once i wear of heat

on the cliff of valhalla i oath our only creed

flipping through minds in present

not anyone can cheat

I wish I could jump,
from a place so high-
I cannot count.
I wish I could jump,
From a place so lost-
Never to be found.

I wish I could fall,
At a speed so fast-
I will never decipher.
I wish I could fall,
Far from my past-
Never to remember.

Tis the season to be dying
Not too jolly are the lines I'm writing
The hymns mimic my weeping soul
A tune strung with a broken bow

Frail lullabies drenched in sorrow
Wilting with the fading greens
We inhale clouds of dusty air
Cold and fragile as my spine

Tingling numbness in my heart
Like frost bites from within
The finale of an orchestra
An epilogue of sorts

Wintry hails in my disturbed mind
Raining like misfired bullets
From a shoddy gun
Burning letters into my hands

The poetry I craft not pretty
Lacking tales of sugarcoated reality
Mostly **** and somewhat edgy
Infused with truth and too much realitys

A sharp chill seeping into my bones
Awakening the energy and power
That have laid dormant for decades
A sign that I am beginning to change
Becoming something different
Something better than this
A higher being of a kind
Of those that rest above the rest
On uncharted territory
Those placid silent doorways
Opening up to hidden dimensions
Parallel universes where all is perfect
My passion spills into rays of hope
Like the sun's warm glow
Reaching out to touch each of it's children
The tormented cries in my head not theirs
But my souls desire to return to it's home
Not the place etched in my ID card
But the motherland and source of all life
A place so sacred we had to leave behind
Hiding away it's immense strength and power
From the destruction mankind bring
Slung over their shoulders like an arrow
Their shields made of hatred and anger
The energy surges through me
Like a blazing forest fire
Melting away globues of fats
Layers of charred skin and flesh
The whole nauseating charade of disguise
I am becoming immortal

Cold in the brightest days
Shivering in the dark
My bones ached as I moved
Too tired to move on
I have gone too far to give up
After all this is just it
We just amount to this much
What more could I ask
Lost in this skin coated skeleton
Buried beneath daydreams
Lost in my minds warped fantasies

Our faces organized,
Folded envelopes.
Our new cool blue life,
Like all we've ever known.
Beneath the frozen grounds,
I bury wild memories.
Fires in an unmarked field,
Forgetting to mourn its loss.

It doesn't always Happen.
Even though it hardly stays still.

Some don't realize its presence


Some will never see that it's passed


Some seem to have no recollection


It's the unbecoming of a star
The deconstruction of a song.

Just cause neither of us believed
In happy endings
Does not mean we don't deserve one

Just cause you grew up knowing pain
So much better than love
Does not mean you shouldn't learn

Just cause life has not been fair
Or easy on you
Does not mean you should give up

Or am I wrong

Should we just give up
Just cause we're hurt
Just cause we were once broken

Should we allow them
Those things that broke us
To shape us

Or does that crucify you

Onto the cross of pain and torment
Living within the rumors
Crafted only to destroy you

Can one leave their skeletons buried
Smile and truly believe it
Even while dying a little everyday

The pain the sincerity the utmost devotion.
The times I tried that were left with no conclusions.
My questions unanswered yet my faith's unbroken.
My trust lost in you my heart forever burdened.

The lies the suspicions the cynical fabrications.
The secrets kept and spilled with no considerations.
Your eyes filled with disgust distrust and impatience.
Your impressions of me marred by your judgements.

Our minds our memories our hidden notions.
Our times together the sugary temptations.
Your doubt in me responsible for the tension.
My fear in you leaving my trust stolen.

We are all men in our natures frail
Thou capable often we fail
Many our blood dark
contaminated
Never a flawless
Broken's our bow
But thee our kind still
Our people our soul

Scientists have discoverd
the same flexibiliy in thoughts
that leads to creativity;
can also lead in some individuals
to mental illness.

fruits
              fail
      love
                   dies
           time
                     ranges

                yet
                       many  
                                     try…

Caress my body,
as you whisper
Meaningless sweet nothings
into the recess of my
Lifeless lonely soul...

Smile into my eyes,
as you watch
My relentless tears won't dry
falling into the ether
Leaving me blind...

Twinkle twinkle little glass
How fast can you make time pass
Soaring with us up so high
Tinting our lips red like fire
Twinkle twinkle little glass
Fall and you shall turn to dust

Carelessly sprinkled glass shards
Coating the ground like stardust,
Ablaze under the golden sun
Crisp as grass under bare feet,
Cutting through skin with ease
Like a crystal catching light.
Glowing in it's glory
A harvest of crimson.

A torn, blue dress,
Body of straw.
Stitches apart,
As they pick and claw.

Once beautiful,
Now all but gore.
Her prince led astray,
Broken Elder lore.

No faerie godmother,
But a trickster.
Smile broken and chapped,
No chance of a lover.

She missed the deadline,
As it struck ten.
Thought she had 'til twelve,
But her house morphed into a den.

Her eyes turned to buttons on their own,
Face contorted into a scowl.
She cried out as her heart turned to stone,
As the faerie took her soul.

We all had to pay the toll,
For no one heard her screams.
Wreaking havoc on us humans,
Deceiving our dreams.

I've folded so slowly into myself.
Tucked emotions into creases,
crinkled corners stained from ink.

Fingertips tingle from the need.
Yet my hands won't gather intent,
my heart just beats,
and I'm here....but I'm not.

I used to bleed through ink,
Now I linger on the edge of verses.
My clockwork heart on the tip of it all.

I buried myself so deeply,
sealed envelopes with no postmark.
Destination void.

I'm not the same person anymore,
sunshine no longer warms me.
Letters go unsent,
remain unopened.

Righteous guy.
Precarious girl.
She ask's why,
He never gets near.
Expectations high,
Hoping for her.

Even the girl never knows why,
The guy wouldn't always stay by her side.
Did he find that she wasn't his kind,
Or is it something she does that is not right.
Would Father tell her lies,
When he told her not to hide.

The agony of being buried in your own grave
The terror of losing those you've not lost
The melancholy of being different the odd
We lost our direction and our compass
Leaving our minds to wander the darkness
Trembling alone in this turmoil of anguish
The pain the fear the endless disasters

I loved you with every breath
A time I didn't know fear
My existence ached for your touch
While holes burnt in my heart

Your sad eyes told the story
A truth I didn't want to hear
My believe for us to be perfect
Was the only mistake

Its almost been a year
and yet I'm still unsure
of the possibility
of a life of sobriety

with each passing day
the cravings coddle
my sweaty and jittery palms
the restless hopeless mind

Twinkle twinkle little glass
you've turned my life into dust
saving up to pay my debts
or perhaps to get another set

Twinkle twinkle little glass
crushed into a powdery dust
fill a glass and bring a light
fly us to another high

There are no stars in the night sky today
On days like this u wonder if you are there
Maybe without that's why I can't find them
Were you like those hidden stars in the dark sky
Is that why we don't connect on days like this
Where have you gone when you hide away
When I look up and realise the sky's empty
I think maybe that's why you're not there too

I thought coming here would magically change me
I always get it wrong
Sometimes what hurts isn't something you can remove
Sometimes I regret
Realizing nothing would ever change what's inside me
Reality got my tongue
We are fallen trees caught in a tornado wreaking havoc
We just want normalcy
Everyday becomes a living nightmare laced with pain
Every breathe a fight
Will I be locked up in this emotional turmoil eternally
Will I ever be free

I left my body screaming,
Every time I fall
In and out of love.
Fear never really stopping me
Repeating my mistakes,
Like a broken medley..

It's not the kind of sadness which makes you want to cry all the time,
But the kind of sadness that overwhelms your senses so much,
You began to question your sanity
You lost touch with all your emotions.

Venlafaxine in the day
A little white pill,
Promising you no more break downs.

Sertraline in the evening
Two little blue pills,
Selling you dopamine and fake smiles.

Quetiapine in the night
Three little pink pills,
Swearing that you'll be in control.

Those lies they feed you
False hope sold in crazy little pills,
I still clutch the bottle of gas
Dreaming of normalcy,
Cradling a razor blade on broken skin
I smile like a fool.

What really is the definition of insanity? Is it confusing dreams with reality? Or having imaginary friends when you are too old for them. Is it listening to your thoughts when engaging in a conversation with people? Or is it having different people replying for you. Am I sane or am I crazy ??

The street lights were so bright
I couldn't find my star anymore
Under those artificial lights
I fell into the embrace of darkness
Dreaming of a time you found me
Dancing alone to the music
Those lyrics only heard in my ears
You walked away not looking back

I'm so confused
What is the truth
Why are people blinded by their scars
Why do we hide behind our past
Denying each situation
Hiding in the lies our past told
Leaving the pain to mark our present
Why does hatred run so deep
We can't find it to forgive
Even the dearest of kin
What is the meaning
Of life on the darkness
What is the reason to live on
When it's still yesterday

That night the stars aligned
You forgot to catch them
As we gazed into each others eyes
Lost in this benign affection
Your eyes filled my heart
With whispered empty promises
My decisions leaving you baffled
As the pouring rain in your door step

I don't know what to write anymore
I don't where to begin or if the end is near
I'm not okay, but I can't say
Everyone is so proud of me for "growing up"
I can't do anything to make it better
That would be immature and childish
I'm 21 turning 22 next year
They say it's great that I've grown out of it
That phase I was going through
That "drowning in my misery"
"acting out to seek attention" phase
Oh, how I wish, how I pray
Let that be just a phase
But if only that was true
I would not have to feel this way now

I don't know why I write
Or what I'd want to say
I can't decipher the feelings
My actions try to convey

I look towards the sky for answers
At night I silently pray
For love, for hope, for reassurances
For salvation...

My head hurts
Hearts beating like it wants out
From my ribs
It's cages
Even the pills can't stop
The incessant chatter
In my overcrowded mind
I want to scream
To claw at my face
Rip my disfigured body apart
I feel caged up
Just like my heart
I'm a prisoner
Of my mind mine no more

How do you tell people?
    How do you tell them that you’re exhausted  
          even though you slept for 12 hours?
    How do you tell them that you need a break  
     from talking and smiling and simply being?

They say there is really nothing wrong
But then why do I feel this way
If it is all just a matter of willpower
Why can't I overcome
Why can't I just snap out of it
Maybe they are wrong
But maybe I am

People deny my memories
I don't remember anything they said
The confusion is getting to me
I don't know who to believe
I forgot where reality ends and lies began

Our life
Is a dance
Spinning into Winter
Breaking into Summer
Running through Autumn
Rolling towards Spring
It is all about us
Our stories
How we choreograph
Our dance
Our life