That night the stars aligned
You forgot to catch them
As we gazed into each others eyes
Lost in this benign affection
Your eyes filled my heart
With whispered empty promises
My decisions leaving you baffled
As the pouring rain in your door step

Where do I start...so many things...
My mind racing...
Drowning in my thoughts...
With all the things I want to say...

But I know, I wear this mask...
I wear this imaginary mask to give you hope and belief,
That I'm truly okay...
It may be invisible, this mask I wear,
But I can feel it in front of me...

We are carelessly thrown together creations ;
Living on the brink of extinction .

We are the very sign of detachment ;
No affection only self destruction .

I tried but never realized how hard normalcy could be.
Sitting among the others tourist or people one and all.
I pretend I’m fine and say hi but really I’m not even the least.
Meals are never just meals to me so as apply for the rest.
Trips with my family feel like torture but they are not wrong.
I put this mask on and blame others for hurting me.
Turning it all inwards I craft the scars on my limbs my story.
Every time I think things are gonna be different this time.
I am forever disappointed because I never change myself.
This impassible task is my mission in life to recreate.
To make things just a little better for me and everyone.

we always see her
but never beyond her mask
hiding all her feelings
know you won't even try to ask

lying all the time
this whole life is a charade
no one knows how broken
she is behind this strong facade

that permanent smile
makes us all believe she's fine
clueless that her pain
she masks in laughter drowns in wine

thinks she has it all
for they only see her best
not knowing how she tries
she's never good enough to rest

Sitting here in the ruins of my life,
the future i foresee;
A chequerboard of black and white,
no middle ground to be.

These questions and expectations,
surround me like the seas;
I'm lost with no lighthouse in sight,
no one will hear my pleas.

I need to know what I've done wrong,
so i can hide the flaws;
Without locking down my whole soul,
closed up behind these walls.

I'm not a ship on the ocean,
but a shipwreck beneath;
i'm not a man on the tower,
but one who's off the cliff.

I could've sworn you knew
When I met you, that day
Fidgeting with my sleeves
Arms scarred, a battlefield
Tears unshed for which I bled
Crimson, ounces I swear
So many words unsaid
Yet you still, left me alone
Nothing but much less
A crumbled heap, torn petals
Not worth an ounce of taffy
Still I needed you with me
Or at least whats left, my ashes
My soul, written on my epitaphy

This is a fabricated
Fairytale
Our days tumbled dry
Laundry
Those memories a draught
In our city
I am but cracked china
Ruined

I am here
Though i am gone
Just a shell
Empty and souless
I listen to you
Without hearing
I look past
Not really seeing
Fearing feelings
I never dared to feel

In the midst of word she was trying to say,
In the midst of her laughter and glee,
She had softly and suddenly vanished away ---
For the Snark was a Boojum, you see.

The first day is harsh
I haven't found my way out of the marsh
to the ocean
The sand covers my feet now 
Yet I'm alone.
I remember none that has happened
sleeping painfully
All those emotions I believed
Now where am I? 
I'm stranded, alone
Days turn to weeks, months to years
How long have I been
Am I even alive?
If this is my punishment
What is my fate
My blood was red
Now it turns blue.
I was happy
When I thought of you
I barely remember a face
A smell, a touch.
I miss my family, I miss my face
I can't see them
they think I've vanished without a trace...

I weaved my web
Around your existence
Loose threads
Ripping tidy fringes
My tired arms
Shaking the fragile net
All futile gestures
obscured perceptions

I am Monday
The sky on a rainy morning
I am the sea as it rumbles
The air as it trembles
I am the storm
And the calm
I am a mess
Catastrophe with eyes grayer
Than the smoke
Of the world that has burned down

Behind my defenses,
There's a broken child,
Battling a war inside...

I don't know who I really am...
I get scared, I can feel the fear in my eyes...
Can you take my hand,
Tell me everything will be alright.

This theory is one of no meaning
A senseless kind of excuse
Something further than this
Deeper than we can comprehend
An ache a vacancy in our head
Filling the space in this silence
Too loud too vast for us to escape
Mixed into this lust and fear
Our out of sync lives broken dreams
A masterpiece of our miscreations

I walked out into the rain
It was always me wasn't it
I blamed the same person
It always wrote my name
I was never meant to be
It was an accident was me
I long used up my tears
It was my weakness I cried
I lost because I'm lost
It was my fault I chose to stay

There's always a war inside my head...
A war of confusion, sadness, anger...
Black. White. Love. Hate. Yes. No.
I never really know...

My heart beats at a pace I can't keep up with,
Somebody take me away from all of this.
I feel so alone, so empty, in so much pain...

Yet I am not alone,
The battle will never let me truly be alone.

I always want my pain to end,
Everything I feel,
How can I feel so strong.

Sometimes I fall from what I hold on to,
I let go and find no way to be strong.

Sometimes I am weak,
I tire of the fight inside me.
But outside,
No flaws or marks show,
On that mask of me.

You ask me if I'm okay,
Those three words I hear so much.
I know my response,
I know it so well.

“Are you okay”...
“How are you”...
I think, “No, I'm not okay“...

Inside I'm screaming,
Inside,
The tears only I know of need to fall .

I want you to know how,
There's hell and vicious circles,
Inside of me.

Though I've promised myself all life,
Never to lie.
Yet there I stand,
I look at you,
And feel the mask build strong in front of me.

“I'm okay, Yes. I'm fine”...

The only part of me that is brave,
Is when I stand and tell you,
“I'm okay... I'm fine.”

What do I get from that lie ?
That maybe one day,
I'll mean what I say.

You see, really,
I know.
I'll never be free.

Every single event of the day,
Touches me,
I feel the world against me.

I am always aware,
Yet I never know what will be next.
I worry all of the time,
What's around the corner,
What will be next.

Somedays we crave solitude,
Others we long for company...
We feel lonely,
abandoned.

We are alone in or minds,
Living through a hell of our own.
No one will understand,
No one can understand.

I see you today,
I miss you tomorrow.
Soon after I will love you,
And I will hate you...

We are not stalkers,
We just need assurance.
Someone to constantly remind us,
We are loved, We aren't forgotten...

Sometimes I shout above you,
I am not angry,
I just want to block out...
The battle in my mind.

The silence so strong
Weighing down my trust.
The believes in love
Waning by the second.

The once forgotten soul
Drowning in fear of rejection.
Too weathered hearts
Plotting its self destruction.

My eyes are not wet
And yet I am weeping,
I sink with the weight
Of secrets I'm keeping.
I try to run, unable to move
I turn to flee, and find no door.
I close my eyes to obscure the sight,
And cover my ears to mask the roar.

Perhaps you would turn to hate me
Was it not better if you didn't remember
Perhaps that would've been for the best
It should've been that way all along

I'm not the brightest, an understatement
Some would say I'm dense and useless
I believe the words needed here are
Innately stupid disgusting & ignorant

You shouldn't have even acknowledged
This disgrace of a human
Beautiful and amazing person you are
confusing habits and routines

Dealing with my perpetual nuisance of an existence

I wasn't daring you or trying to
I just wanted you to know you are free
You didn't have to stay but you wanted to

Waste; the needless and excessive usage or consumption of a source or object.

In order to harbour the possibility of being wasted,
It first has to have the ability to serve a purpose

though i've tried, but in vain;
for it's me, you still blame.

our relationship, a razor blade;
a beautiful diamond, ruby red.

smoothing out edges, no one dared;
all i'm left, is shattered and shred.

we won't go back now,
keeping to our vows.

drenched in a world of silence,
hoping to deface violence.

It's getting kinda old,
You know..??
I'm drained and tired,
Worned out by your fights.

Our fights.
Your words always accepted,
While I bury mine unspoken.
The one sided fight,
Where the opponent is silent.

No,
This isn't fair.
But fair doesn't exist.
Fair is a word that is created in fantasies,
Fair is a word spoken only in fairy tales.

I want this to stop.
We want this to stop.
Wait, don't you.....?
You don't speak the words,
But your actions strongly differ.

With every moment we spend together,
You explain to me the answer.
Why,
Why you treat me different now.
When nothing has really changed.

Your abhorring stares and frowns of detestation.
You tell me,
I don't belong here,
I took away your freedom.
I deserve to die.

You want me dead.

Sick I was weaker than I would be,
Soaked in vulnerability.

Recovering I was,
Still innocent, naive.
She sneaked in silently,
Masked under new skin.

I, forgetting her old tricks,
Welcomed her entrance.
Confiscating my opinions,
Shadowing my existence.

An oddly familiar reminder,
My speed my flexibility.
The ever swinging pointer,
Numbers, the scales, my proximity.

I, still trapped in her captivity,
Never knew to seek escape.
I, forever her prisoner,
Control she over takes.

the unformed will ,
not yet a voice ,
would fail in short .

exposed in evidence ,
yet it will be there still .

words uttered in a dream ,
in soft thudding on the ground ,
nothing but rhythm and speed .

my will , my very own.

the gathering of strength and gaining speed ,
the gentle breeze that would be eventually ,
breaking the heat turn into a wild storm .

hiding for days ,
ruined starved empty of all thoughts .
showered in fear denying ,
not acknowledging her screams .

deceiving me ,
the fact that i was at war with myself .

I'm sorry,
I broke my promise...
Not to hurt you.

My head hurts...
My mind is a mess...
My world is breaking apart...

I want all this to stop,
Hence I had to.

Sometimes the feelings are so overwhelming,
It's not my choice,
I can't control it...

I am euphoric now,
Tomorrow you see me crying.
I am angry now,
Then it morphs into excitement.

My emotions over flow,
My feelings don't reason...
They stream and pour into me,
Like a storm, a waterfall...

Have I seen you before
Yes, when I came in.
Doped with Chlorpromazine;
Feet like lead weights
Eyelids lost to gravity.

Don't. Don't take those.

Those little blue and whites
Too good to be true.
I'll be back for more Lithium;
But six pills, I was a potato
So great it made you grew.

Don't. You will regret.

To erase war and peace
Brought me snore and peace.
Tiny innocent Atarax;
Left me dry as sandpaper
Words barely croaked out.

Don't. I told you.

Just tongue those meds.
Again you said,
Don't.

A veces la vida es mucho mejor cuando usted no sabe nada mejor, y lecciones dolorosas de toda la vida no ha desgarró usted corazón abierto..

Why am I missing
When I am here.
Who is this person I see
Standing in my place

finding I often ask myself,
or whoever you are...
who am I..?? where am I..??
what have I become..??

Can someone answer me,
Answer he, she, this entity.
my only constant question...
where have I gone?

How did this happen to me..??
What's that you said?
Wait, you, me, who
I could be you if you are me.

when will this end..??
What's happening now..
Whoever up there,
is there anyone...

for what sins I've done,
all that is wrong of me;
will you forgive me
answer my plea and...

Please let me go.
Let me know

How could it be
I just didn't understand
How can someone
Stay so innocent
After seeing so much
How can someone
So seemingly nice
Contain so much hate
How can someone
with so much life
Die so silently
Life slipping through
My very fingertips
Me not acknowledging

The colors coating my eyes
Are monochromatic
Melancholic
Shades of black and white
The stark contrasts
A sharp glare in my bleak world
Vision filled with terror
Images of forgotten memories
Cast aside for fear of pain
Of the horrer it brings
Through days and nights
They tainted my sight
Haunting my ghost
Vengeful spirits lost in limbo

Not sure what to do
What to say
How to act
With you around
Without you
The imagined need
The real want
The impossible battle
Between two lies
Two lives
Two choices

Sometimes I just give in...
Sometimes I just don't think...

I don't always get a chance,
My mind doesn't give me one.

It lives on its own...
A owner of its own.

I have no control.

It bounces around,
A playful puppy with no home...
A house on no gravity...
A planet without a star...

Alone I am in the nights.
In the days.
In my mind.

I move I fall.
People watch and laugh.
But I stand up again.
No.
Nothing is gonna stop me.

I run I leap.
People look and jeer.
But I don't stop.
No.
I will not rest.

I spin I stretch.
People look and sneer.
But I dance on.
No.
I will do it.

I breathe I sing.
People look and stare.
But I ignore.
No.
No!

This is my dream.
My world.
My life.
No matter the pain it takes.
No matter the hurt it brings.
I will not give in.
I will not give up.

Life *****?
Why the question,
Facts never change.
Or do they.
You understand;
Yet you hide
Enduring the pain.
Know the truth,
No need to live in vain.
It’s your choice,
To make it better
All yours to rearrange.

Faster, faster,
Pump your arms.
Faster, Faster.
Don't you rest.
FASTER !
YOU'RE NOT TRYING !
you fat blimp...
...
ouch that hurt...
...
my ears hurt from your screams...
my arms hurt from pumping so hard...
my legs hurt from the consecutive runs...
...
aw...can't beat the others huh...?
Are you putting in more effort ?
Why won't you just try harder ??
Just move those chunky legs forward.
WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT ???
bet you forgot how to...
...
your snide comments are my fuel...
yet it rips me apart to be criticized...
By you.
...
who are you..??
...
you remain quiet at this question,
and you go on mocking me.
...
WHAT ???
You ate a slice of bread...?
great work...
...
then the screams of anger
they replace your softly delivered sarcasm
...
Look ! What have you done ?
98 calories !!!
YOU FAT SLOP !!
Dont you DARE...Take The Bus Home !
Its just a little more than 3 miles...*
...
my voice no longer strong enough
i stop arguing...
i've lost the strength to go against you...
...
i'll walk...
i guess...
you win...

;