Every. 28. Hours.
Another one is gunned down.
Another one of us.
With little to no reason.
Yet when we voice our reasons of rebellion
We’re told we’re “thugs”
How is it not thuggish to crush a man’s voice box?
We could ask Freddie Gray about.. Oh wait.

Every. 28. Hours.
Another one is gunned down.
Another one of us.
With little to no reason.
They encourage a “peaceful protest”
“Don’t act like animals”
“Respect yourselves”
Like respecting the race that enslaved us for centuries
Prevented us from being killed.

Every. 28. Hours.
Another one is gunned down.
Another one of us.
With little to no reason.
They don’t understand why we act out.
They tell us to “go back to our own country”
Please explain to me how that would work
Whenever you tried to **** off those
That inhabited the country you “discovered”

Every. 28. Hours.
Another one is gunned down.
Another one of us.
With little to no reason.
We’ve complied for so long.
What do we do now?
I don’t want to see us die.
I don’t want to see us suffer.
I don’t want to be nex—

(bang)

The psychiatrist wakes up every morning.
Gets dressed and ready to tackle another day at work.
Puts on his best suit and tie.
Something different, so to not seem repetitive.
Matching shoes, cuff links, the works.
Has his morning breakfast accompanied with a cup of coffee.
Heads out to his occupation while listening to his favorite songs on the radio.
Singing along word for word all the way there.
Greets his receptionist at the front desk and makes his way to his room.
Takes off his coat and hangs it up as he gets ready for the day's appointments.

Fast forward.

When his day is over, his mind is dead.
His face emotionless.
His receptionist gone, he has no one to say goodbye to.
His radio is silent on the way home.
Not one tune played.
Not one word uttered.
He arrives to his empty home and tosses his jacket on the floor.
He sits on his living room couch.
And he cries.
And cries.
And cries.
Until there's nothing left for his eyes to let go of
He strips, and showers
With the disregard for clothing himself, he falls into bed.
And into a slumber.

Repeat.

Suicide calls me.
I’ve never answered before.
Well then.. why not now?

in a time of need,
I was desperate for answers.
you looked like a long term one
only to be a cancer.
chances are, if my head was on right
the *** wouldn't have been so bad and you wouldn't have felt as tight
the psychological abuse I endured
only paralleled by the apologies and *** that you managed to keep me sure
yet how unsure was I. naive to love.
accustomed to hurt & pain.. my heart crying face down in a rug
no pillows where I slept, the floor was good enough
I sacrificed **** near my life for you; wasn't enough
looks only go so far; if this was a race, I'm the hare & you're the tortoise.. but you have a car
self sufficient and overly dependent; my nights alone, staying up wondering who you're laid up with
time and time again, I'm praying that I'm all you need; you see me bleeding and you give me a ******* bandaid like that'll put it to an end
came to find out you were already 8 weeks pregnant by my cousin, the same day you reassured me I was the one you're in love with
hope you're happy with him; not to mention he's already got a wife and two other children
in the time since I last saw you, I did some self-reflection & even figured that I should call you
no, to hell with you, I'm better than that
then you text me at 3 AM? no I'm better than that
you miss me? no you miss what I did for you
you couldn't stand to breathe in my space when all I ever did was live for you
in a time of need,
I was desperate for answers
you looked like a long term one
only to be a cancer.

It was a formal event, and I was invited.
A lot of familiar faces were going to be there.
I made sure I dressed to impress, seeing as how this was probably the biggest event of my life that I attended.
The anxiety was almost too much to bear.
Luckily enough, I was able to contain myself until the time came.
I was nervous still, but all the while expecting to have the best time I've ever had.
However.. when I got there, I was denied entrance.
The gentleman at the door, who looked like someone I knew, said that my name wasn't on the list.
I told him I was invited, but with no proof I wasn't able to get in.
Kinda like Heaven..
Will that be the same fate as me?
even if I don't live by the same code as Adam and Eve?

Nobody wants to be alone
Me included
I hate seeing couples in public
I despise their constant PDA
The kissing.. the hugging.. the love
**** all of you
I don’t need to see that
Yet these feelings are only because of jealousy
The wanting to be that person
The desire to be loved
Here I am, on the other hand
Perched on a park bench
Watching people go by
Holding hands..
Sharing laughs..
Feels as if God is using them to smite me
To punish me for no reason
To chastise me for the things I’ve done
Maybe he’s right, for once..
Perhaps I should go home
But home isn’t the same anymore..
I’m going to the same thing every night
A meal, a shower, tv..
Then I say a prayer and get into bed
The bed that was once occupied by two

not even my skin is as black as they
following me step for step
we all possess them
but only when the sun shows its face
letting us know that they’re seen any chance they get
the brightness from the sun solidifies their loyalty
never to let us forget they’re behind us
it’s a shame how that same loyalty
dims to darkness
just as the sun does
just as they do

Skies filled w/ fluorescent lights. Reminiscent of the different times that flashed before me. But as all lights, they burn out. They fizzle. They crackle. Their luminosity gives way to darkness. And then there’s nothing. Sometimes briefly, other times for prolonged periods. Over time, I’ve become accustomed to the darkness. The nothingness. The absence of a glow. No shine in the distance. No light in the future. So perhaps.. the darkness is the norm for these skies. My skies. Until another fluorescent light shows its face. To brighten my skies once again.

the clouds in the sky darken their moods
the sun bids us farewell
as small droplets of rain begin to fall, I wonder..
is this God changing his wardrobe?
pulling the hood over his head
to keep us from seeing the tears that fall from his face?

Consequences: made for learning lessons
I convert unlearned lessons
Turned to abnormal blessings

Stretching the truth to hold you
Pricked by your gorgeous daze
I bleed profusely, yet don’t turn away

The love I swore to keep
My blood tells other tales
Intoxicated from your smell

Continuing to caress your sides
Wincing in pain
Feeling as if there’s something to gain

No end to my quest in sight
Finding the rose I thought I would need
Loving the one that caused me to bleed

My hard drive is precious to me
It’s the only one I have
it’s the only one I’ll ever have
So this software I’m downloading
It has to be acceptable
Not only to me..
But to my hard drive as well
As time progresses
My care lessens
So does the health of my hard drive
The wrong kind of software found its way in
Getting caught up in the thrill of what I let in
My hard drive was suffering..
Yet I was ignorant to its well being
Now not only is it deteriorating
So am I
No matter how much I uninstall
They’ve left their mark
On my hard drive

Here I arrive, dressed in all black
Appearing to this cordial event
Nothing to gain from this experience
Only a re-visitation

Greeted by the master of service:
A fellow who looked vaguely like me
Introducing me to the partygoers:
The very things I tried to escape from my entire life

Lust, adorned in a tight red dress and heels
Tempting me with the fire of our past flings
I manage to control my quake
Remembering the times we shouldn’t have had

Regret, casual and comical
Drunk and cracking jokes with everyone
Trying to reconcile for the grief he caused
I remembered the times we shouldn’t have had

Depression, huddled in a corner
Appearing to be a beaten, scarred child
Staring directly into my soul with pitch black eyes
Making me remember the times we shouldn’t have had

Heartbreak, a tall, long-legged mistress
Scoffing at the sight of me
Sending a slight chill up my spine
Remembering the times we shouldn’t have had

As I begin to leave, I’m confronted
All standing in front of me
Finding myself under fire
A bullet from each.

Dying in the times I could’ve had.

My eyes can’t keep from gazing at her
She steps into the room…dripping wet
Knowing I’m here, her parents would most likely be upset
As she would be also, if she found me here
Crouched in the dark…
Between her window and backyard
Her fingers play with her **** vanilla-coated skin
My fingers pretend to follow, not knowing where to begin
The pleasure erupts as soon her moans escape…
The contents of her inner thighs invade my mind…
(pant, pant)
The manner she caressed her body in a way no man could
The exotic thoughts of me fondling her no man should
(pant, pant, pant)
The shuffling of the branches I hid in started to make noise
Hopefully not loud enough to disturb the show, though
(pant, pant, pant, pant)
My eyes closed, envisioning me on her insides
My heart rate jumped sky high…

And at the sudden opening of my eyes…
She spotted me.

When I miss you, I miss too much
I miss who I am when I’m with you
I miss what you make me feel
I miss how loved I felt
How the feelings of love never went away
When I was with you

When I love you, I love you deeply
With the love only a mother loves with
The way a loved one loves another
The love that couldn’t be found anywhere else
The love I won’t allow you to never escape from
When I was with you

When I held you, I held you tightly
I held the fond memories we had
Tighter than the grip around your neck
When I expressed my love for you
Tighter than our passion filled nights
Of forcing myself inside of you
When I was with you

When I hit you, I hit hard
With the affection I’ve always had for you
As if the bruises on your face
Don’t remind you of me
And all the moments we shared
And every waking hour you live
You’ll never forget the times
When I was with you

I’ve never been a mind reader
I’m just another hedonist, pure pleasure seeker
What I see in you, I see in other women
So many of them wonder what I do to keep them coming

Come to my bed, I’ll make you come to your senses
I don’t love you at all, so there’s no false pretenses
I’m using you as a cover for the insecurity I experience
Self-degradation makes me impatient
But *** saves my delirium

Once I have you stripped down to bare flesh
There’s no affection in the actions I take next
I’ve have one to myself or shared two or three others
No remorse for the feelings I’ve damaged under the covers

Will I ever grow to love? I doubt highly
My mysterious façade is a mask I wear proudly
Never take advice from the pleasure in my vices
Self-indulged human praising sins so righteous

When you’re accustomed to darkness
You’re used to monotony
You’re used to redundance
You’re used to nothing

You hear of the outside world
You hear of its joys
You hear of its wonders
You hear of its plights

“Come on out” they say
“We won’t hurt you”
Little callings to show you something new
Or is it just to hurt me?

“What are friends? Do they bite?
Is it edible? Is it necessary?”
Questions I’m asking to seemingly no one
But a voice keeps beckoning to me

“Come out and see the wonders you miss
The energy of human beings
The warmth of the sun
The beauty of the world”

I’ve never been enticed this much before
Closer and closer do I inch out
My mind is saying “this is a bad idea”
My gut is saying “can’t hurt to try”

So.. I’m finally out
This isn’t so bad
I could get used to thi—
honk *crash

Another drag. I’m half naked in the bathroom. Giggling as the blue dream reddens my eyes. There’s smoke everywhere. I’m alone. I’m content. My demons are away at the moment. There’s solace in the crowded air. My lungs are preoccupied as I cough repeatedly. My mom has no idea. She’d **** me. I have a job interview in the morning. the girl i like most is head over heels for some random guy with probably bigger junk than me. My giggle turns into a laugh. Who cares. Another drag.

The problem with falling for a woman
Questioning her strength to catch you
Or maybe you fall on purpose
To catch a glance under her dress

Either thin, tall and lean
Thick, short and curvy
Any shape, any size
The female gender can make you insane

The very thought of a **** goddess
Brings the mightiest of men to their knees
This briefly entails without question
The power a ****** can hold

Simple like exotic dancers
Complex like business CEOs
No matter the background she withholds
You can never figure a woman out

A tale as old as time
A riddle still not solved
But yet how could Adam have made it
Without Eve?

They weren’t ready to commit
but they didn’t wanna lose each other
Tighter than brother and sister
Loved like a married couple
Yet they still wanted options

Frustrating is it…
When the one you want
Wants you
Yet still wants others
Just in case their wanting in you
Becomes wanting someone else
It’s a fairy tale gone wrong
Or a fairy tale turned reality

Love is never certain
But neither is life
Take chances
Or risk the chance of losing who you love
But complacency is contagious
We figure they won’t go anywhere
Yet their bags are already packed

They’re just waiting for a sign from us
One small sign..
To get up and go
And never come back…

Let’s just dive
Dip under the dregs of society
Drown in our own pools of self-comfort

We only live once
Yet we stress as if we’re cats
And this ***** or these nine lives won’t suffice

Strip all of your troubles down to nothing
Break the chain that your parents held on you
Be yourself.. be free

Hold onto your childhood
But make way for your future endeavors
And always make time for peace of mind

Bash that flat screen
The one that says only flat framed girls
Are beautiful and deserve to be seen

Let’s just dive
Suffocate in our waves of freedom
And never come up for air

“By any means necessary”
Words of encouragement to my self-depreciated soul

Pure happiness coming at a premium
The outside world strips me; making me its *****

Strange lips and unfamiliar hands cradle me
Satisfaction in this sense is only temporary

Criticism coming from every direction
Questioning whether my lifestyle is necessary

I’ve never enjoyed my naked predicament
However, it’s my only productive option

Allowing simpletons to simply have their way
Faking pleasure, keeping my pain locked in

After so much abuse, I try to be a man
Clothing myself again, ******* up the tears

The world has other ideas
Unleashing every one of my fears

Again, cold and abandoned
I find myself back at square one

Becoming a slave to the world
Just another form of prostitution

With all the things on my chest, I can hardly breathe
With all the things in front of me, I can hardly see
But it’s easy to see that my emotions get the better of me
Can’t help but admit I let love get the better of me
My heart tears kinda easy, believe me
Your words cut deep, and I bleed immediately
If I die, know that my heart still beats for you
Still wanting to find a spiritual connection with you
But you’re connected with another soul
Another whole mess I put my heart in
So to hell with the love that I put my heart in
Me and the leftover pieces of my being
Will try to make the most of being a human being

Cigarette smoke lingering in the air
A full bottle of whiskey next to the bed
Uneasy feelings of my past life
Unsettling memories of you in my head

Reasons for infidelity never discussed
*** performed; alas, no love displayed
Late night intrusions by ****** intruders
Roles of husband and wife horribly played

Children we once planned on having
Simply a simple fornicated ideal
A shell of my former robust being
Attached to emotions unreal

Habitual rituals no longer practiced
Alcohol and drugs relinquish my lust
Notes of times past crumbled in the trash
Suddenly, the rush from your touch is a must

Hallucinations impair my rational thinking
My inner demons come to life
It’s only 8 p.m.
This is going to be a pretty long night…

Lord,
I know I’m nowhere near your model image
For what a good human is
I come here with nowhere left to turn
Exiled from my home
Ridiculed for trying to change
My devilish looks turning strangers away
My reforming person unaccepted by family

Tonight I weep
For what I was born into
And not being able to change
Into something you see fit
My tears,
Burning the very ground I walk on
Hoping for redemption
Praying for forgiveness

I’ve never asked for anything
But now?
I need answers
Answers to questions I’ve never been able to solve
Am I destined to be a demon?
Or can these horns form a halo?

I’ve always believed
That I myself
Where just another puzzle piece
In the midst of a million others
But you were one in a million

Feeling like there was a chance
This common piece
Could be matched with another
That didn’t seem to fit to others
But I wanted you to

Truth of the matter is
There’s no two ways about it
However we try and try to make it work
No chance that we two pieces
Will ever complete this puzzle