Trying to juggle at 1am,
Trying to catch those ******* *****,
Trying to throw them the"right way",
Trying to do everything everyone tells me,  
Everything that I can't do.

Thoughts swirling in my brain,
Fogging my concentration.
Self-doubt arising,
wondering why no one has called me a failure yet.
Questions screamed to the universe.

All this fuss,
Just for three juggling *****,
Three juggling ***** which I can't juggle,
Three juggling ***** leading to my accusation of a failure,
Three juggling ***** questioning my capacity.
All this for three juggling *****.

One day you're hugging me
Laughing till our stomachs hurt
Calling me your other half,
your twin.

The next day,
I receive your cold shoulder
Everything we were yesterday,
It's gone.

No more laughing,
But ignoring.
I don't hear your voice talking to me anymore,
But to someone else's.
I ask you a question,
you let the silence respond.

At night
I can't sleep,
trying to figure out what I did wrong.
What did I say?
What did I do?

I know you well enough,
To have a feeling what the problem is.
But I can't accept that feeling,
Because you're just too stubborn
To admit I'm right.
I'm being punished for being right.
Is that even fair?

But I want your company,
I want your voice talking to me
I want you next to me,
joking, goofing around.
I need that.

So I wait,
Knowing it's just a phase.
A phase that happens one too many times.

This cycle just keeps going on,
And I can't stop it.
Deep down I know,
That I have to let you go.
You're toxic.
You will be the death of me.
But I can't bring myself to do that.
I love your other side way too much.

So I just wait.
My heart continuously breaking.
I'm constantly trying to sew it back.
But what's done is done.

And one day,
All my heart will be given to you.
But your heart is far away talking to someone else.
Because I cared too much,
Trying to help you
Left me with this silent treatment.
Trying to speak my mind
Left me with a cold shoulder.

You said you loved me,
But sometimes I was just a stranger to you.
Maybe you were bipolar.
But that's no reason to forgive the way you treated me.

I am an immigrant.
Left my family, loved ones, country behind in tears
In the search of a promising future.
Like birds migrating
To a better environment.
Only difference is
I might be gone for good
I might leave my past behind
And all that was beloved
In the sticky situation
That I managed to escape.

I am an immigrant.
Fled away from my country in tears.
Not knowing whether or not
My family had made it out
Of the grasp of the Devil’s palm with me.
Not knowing where to go,
What I would do,
And how I would survive.
Just the illusion of a better place
Where religion, culture, and nationality did not matter.

I am an immigrant
Who arrived on a host country
Full of hope and joy.
An immigrant that knows
It was all for the best
That they left for a new future.
An immigrant that hoped
That they could
Share the better future
With the rest of their family soon.


I am an immigrant
Who had no clue
Where I had escaped to.
An immigrant with a struggled past.
An immigrant who was not able to communicate
With the citizens of this mysterious country.
An immigrant that saw a dull, grey future.
Where I would be lost,
Spinning in a helpless circle for years.

One day everything was fine,
The next you were gone.

You didn't come anymore,
You didn't talk anymore,
You didn't even text back anymore.

****, you were gone in a blink of an eye.
No warning,
No signs,
No nothing.
You just disappeared.

I guess one could say it was gradual,
But when something happens,
Does it really feel like that?

I don't know what to do anymore.
We're all left hanging on a thin rope
Waiting for your next move,
A sign,
Something to lead us all out of this misery you've brought us into.

The worst part
Is that it happened before,
Then why, oh why did we fail to see it again?

For all we know we could have stopped it,
but here we are back to base one.
Staring at your helpless battle,
Staring at it behind a glass door,
That is locking us out,
preventing us from helping you fight that battle.

I'm a tiger,
Stripped from my dignity
In this god forsaken cage.
Trapped behind walls,
Prowling about
Waiting to be freed.

I long for the wind in my face
The sun to lighten my days
The rain to wash my sorrows away
The moon to reflect at night,
Lighting my way.

I'm a tiger
Waiting to be let loose
So that I can unleash myself,
And set fire to anything in my way.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU."
i know she doesn't like me.
i see it every time,
the way she talks,
the way her smile doesn't reach her eyes,
the way she avoids me, only me.
you've said it already,
again and again.

"SHE THINKS YOU ARE A TOXIC FRIEND."
i tell myself it's not your fault,
you still like me, it's just her opinion.
but why don't you try defending me,
i’ve been with you through thick and thin.
how many times do i have to be there for you
until you tell her you disagree?

"SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOU'RE WITH ME”
i get it she doesn’t like me,
but why do you say that to me,
i know all you are trying to be is honest
but sometimes it can't hurt to be ignorant of judgement.

Guilt is such a powerful word
A word no one wants to discuss.
They just want to keep it in
Hoping it would go away

But no,
guilt is not like that.
It takes control of your body,
Gnawing on your thoughts.

Why did I not help her?
Why did I survive but not the person next to me?
Why did he get caught but not me?
Why did I not confess that it was my fault?
Why? Why? Why?

And yet, everyone around you
Fails to see the aura of guilt that glows beside you.
Every time they smile at you,
You feel the knot in your stomach grow bigger.

Guilt is like a monster,
It keeps devouring you.
You wish with all your heart that you can undo your wrongdoings.
Guilt just continues and tortures you.

  Until, one day it takes away your life,
And all that is left is your corpse,
A corpse that is stained with guilt and regrets.

It's strange, really,
What once was considered home
Is now just another memory.

I remember clearly,
The day my parents told me
We were leaving again.
I even remember the pasta I ate that night.
My appetite rapidly gone
After just a sentence of words.

I remember
Saying goodbye to my friends,
At the time you really think
That they were going to be forever with you.
In reality,
That's never really true.

I remember
Feeling devastated,
Hating the prospect of moving again
After only a couple of years.
Wondering,
Why we could never stay put.

Now I recall,
All these memories,
That time I left the U.S.,
That time I left South Korea,
Sitting in my new home.

It's strange,
Because I love my new home more than ever,
And I would never,
In a million years,
Change the past events that I hated at the time,
Because those changes lead me to an even better place.

Then why is it,
That every time I do leave,
I forget that things will be better.
I forget all the changes that
Make me, me,
and that make my life, my life.

I just remember,
Having to leave my friends,
The sadness,
The hatred,
And I remember,
Having to leave my house,
No longer my home.

Since your first breath,
She has always been there,
Patting your back,
Helping you breathe.

When you tripped,
She was there to pick you up again.

When you lay restless,
On your bed,
The demons underneath frightening you.
She was always there,
Shedding light,
Sending them away.

When you left the nest,
She was the one who would run after you with tears in her eyes.

When your dreams had been accomplished,
She was the first to celebrate.

When life came crashing into you,
She was always the anchor,
Pulling you back into reality.

When you cried your heart out,
She was there passing the tissues,
Tears in her eyes as well.

When you felt like giving up,
She was always there to remind you,
That by giving up,
You would also be giving up on her,
The last person who deserved to be given up on,
For she had given you everything she could,
Your mother.

Far off in the corner,
I’m trapped,
Waiting for someone to free me of my unrelenting imagination,
Someone to free me of the cage I’ve built,
To free me of those glooming clouds darkening my days.

So long,
I’ve waited. 
Day after day,
Night after night.  

I pray,
I hope,
Someone has the key,
To free me from this cage.

People pass,
Keys dangling from their hands,
Sparing not one glance at me.

I scream,
I shout,
I bang on the walls,
Trying to bring them down.

Can they not hear me?
Can they not see,
this girl that’s left there in a corner,
Locked in a cage,
Waiting for the key?

on  m o n d a y,
it seems as if you like me.
your eyes catch mine
every other second.

on  t u e s d a y,
it seems as if i have become invisible.
i seek your eyes out,
but you're looking the other way.

on  w e d n e s d a y,
it seems as if we are on two separate planets.
it feels like you are worlds away
and i'm looking at you,
so unattainable,
with my telescope.

on  t h u r s d a y,
it seems as if i may have been wrong,
'cos I see you looking at me
out of the corner of your slightly crinkled eyes,
a smile playing on your lips,
and, no doubt,
it's for me.

on  f r i d a y,
i fall in love with you all over again.
before I go home,
i see you again and stare,
and you stare back,
the moment passing in a second,
but on my mind for too long.

on the  w e e k e n d,
all I think about is you.
and daydream fantasies
about you and I,
filled with hope for the next  
m
     o
          n  
               d  
                    a
                         y.

It's crazy to think that
what you once thought was reality,
Is now a faded photograph
That's left in the corner to burn,
Slowly turning into dust.

It's crazy to think that
What you once thought was your future
Is now just a crumpled up dream,
Thrown in the trash among others,
Waiting to be dumped.

It's crazy to think that
All these people you thought were part of your play,
Have left your theatre,
And are playing some other character in another theatre,
Another play.

It's crazy to think
How fast our lives change,
How in the blink of an eye,
Our past reality is gone,
Our so-called future is replanned,
And the characters in our life are replaced.