No more love left to give

I wonder whats making me feel this way
I cant quite getting high,
Finding ways to die
In a life
I cant ignite
Cant be the light
Flowing through the night
I don’t want to do whats right
Flying like a kite
This suit is pretty tight
Doesn’t feel quite right
I cant find my sight,

I wonder whats making me feel this way
I want to sleep through the day
Be spent away
Inking my skin grey
And i wish i can pray
I just might betray
I wish i can pray
I wish i can pray!
If god knows my body’s decay
He knows i still obey,
The laws written before today..

Though to some i sin
They stare and grin
But i cant bare this skin
And whats within
There is a pin
In a tin
Under my chin
And i can’t swallow it in
The thought that when
I breathe, i spin
To places i have never been
And the violence
Of my heart screaming like a violin.

Ugh, i just hate it here
And this feeling i cant shake
It lingers and it takes
Sometimes I disappear
But even in disappearance
You are unwanted
Not even to yourself
My reflection, so sheer
And transparent
There is nothing left  
Not even organs that want to stay
The invaders settled in my mind
made them stray
My feet heavier
Then the pride they carry
That in justice they make you suffer
That in freedom you are in chains
Never built for the system
To society i am estranged
Made out of mud
Crafted to grow green
But burnt to ashes
When a root began to sprout,
To live is to die
To live is to die

******* twisted reality!

“YOU’RE MAD”
Of course i am
Peace costs peace!

“Go somewhere else now”

With my palms to my chest
I’ll carry the gift life gave me,
The burden of my ancestors
With my pain i’ll carry all of us

Do you understand what it means to live for another and not yours?
You can see it
clearly
That we want
To fly
High
Like no drug can soar
Higher
Then the birds
The clouds
And the stars
To be one
With the unknown

Im tired of waking up to this

As my hair grows grey
As i age like wine
And my heart grows vine
My mouth speaks of history
The past and my empathy
Will cry with melancholy
Will my mind write poetry?
Or will it grow in poverty
Will my feet crush the patriarchy?
Or will my arms hug all the mothers that raised me,

Oh, what an irony!
There is to be in peace
When vultures want nothing but to feast
I cant be confined inside these walls
I was born to be one with the wind,
Where there is no beginning or end

As the nights grows dark
My inside’s naked
When my heart gives out a yawn
When my soul is forsaken
Then I will be reborn
Only then i will rejoice

Time is stretching
I don’t know what i am doing
But i am slipping
Why is no one listening?
The walls are watching me
They’re calling my name
Are my words blind to the ears?

words fall out my mouth scattered
Don’t they?
Must be
Has to be!

Must be the curse given at birth
Forgotten child
Be quite child
Sit down child
Behave
Don’t scream
Pick up your feet
Straighten your back
Clean that paint
Don’t scream
Stay still
Don’t breathe, child

words fall out my mouth scattered
Don’t they?
Must be
Has to be!

I had my head full of dreams
Colours and ecstasy
These pills they make me feel grey
And they take pieces of my identity
Burn them at the corner of my brain
But i am not feeling so good
I am just me and your so many

I am not ready ..

I had my head full of dreams
Visions and blurred reality
These hands they make me feel raw
And they pour tears on my open scars
They open my mouth, let out a laughter
A scream right between my teeth
I am not feeling so good
I am just me and your so many

Just one more hit
Let me drown myself
And you take my body’s suit,
Just one more hit
Ill dose off in a haze
And then you can bury me
In all my favourite colours

Lets squeeze out the juice in my head
Hope your stomach is empty
The cups are ready

When my eyes are awake
My body curls like a shrimp
And my heart is weary
My trust in you and everyone
Has turned to rust

Though, this loneliness
Echos in the vastness
Of this universe
Into another dimension
And this pain
Reverberates inside my flesh

And my brain has a gift
Of making me travel
Out side my body
Its one i am not fond of
Me
I am lost
At dawn
I am gone

I am not sure who i am
Feels like you know your program
I am here floating, *******!

I am here and there
And everywhere
And it’s hard to sleep
There and here
And where every where is

I am nothing
But even nothing is something
It’s exhausting
And quite daunting
Maybe even hunting
Am i rambling?

I apologise
I don’t open my mouth much
My tongue is on a crutch
I apologise
For my eyes
As they wonder off
They like to run around the roses

I am nothing
But even nothing is something
It’s exhausting
And quite daunting
Maybe even hunting
Am i rambling?

A tick on a clock,
And a fallen vail of another affair
My mind melted watching trying to unlock,
I hold my head as if it was to pop off
With every tick my stomach feels sick,
Eyes so weary,
Soul so dreary
This agony,
Caused my heart vessel to stretch, pump and rush to survive.
My mind is upside down,
My room is a ghost town
And i seem to be the clown,
laughter is their fairground
They pick a choose my every move,
And when i disapprove
My sanity they assured me will be removed

Its as if we have become too lazy to even exist.

Tell me..

tell me, what drove you to lay on another body?
tell me, was your mind foggy?

What do i do with all this love?
And this grieving,
This pain,
I feel sick

And i

I loved you,
I thought we grew
But you did seem blue
I never seemed to able to get through to you..

One last time..

Tell me, because i need to remember why you left me
How could’ve you loved me last week and toss me the next
I trusted you..
I never understood what it felt like to love,
And love i was deprived of

However, whats worse

Is when love breaks you twice..

The nights, the nights are the hardest part
I cant seem to rest my eyes
The nights, the nights are loneliest of times
Sleep is for the warmest of hearts

The light, i don’t let in
My eyes, too naked
My heart is in my head
My head is in the bin

I envy the night
For the comfort it found
In it's loneliness

Darling one what have you done
Walking in a forest barefoot
You once wore the sun
But now your dimmer and just seem to run
You told me to be patient, to understand
But my moon, Why do you walk like your not coming back

I weeped for you
Deprived of energy, of hope
My love, you do not speak
hollow, like you cant swallow

My darling one, in the moment of finding your self i have lost mine..

And i weep under the moon that you so dearly seek on nights you so dearly rest
I never thought of you do be
An entity with red eyes
My heart trembles
Was it something i did?,
Desperate for you return
To hold me
Kiss me
Talk to me
Love me
But, i ended with a feeling of despair

And tomorrow my darling one,
On another cold night  
I will not weep
Ill take the bitter pill
And I will string my broken heart
In the dark
And wait in my sleep

The more i feel
the less i speak,  

The less i know
the more i hide,

Just when i began to understand love
it gets taken away,
i just don't seem to fit any glove
i pray everyday,
my window carries a mourning dove
and so i stray
my aura sickness whats stated above

I am desperate though
for a warm touch,
a kind word
but for now,
i will lay here
on my mattress
and weep
as the days dance away.

Well you lend me an ear?
It will take up maybe an hour of ur life
But lets not think about time
Maybe if i am quite you’ll be able to hear
But please listen, cant bare another tear
If you dare
do stare
U don’t wanna give them a scare
Will you lend an ear and a mind to spare?
Will we ever really know what’s welfare?
Prepare to go nowhere
I always get side tracked
But my mind is packed
It has been hacked
Its all abstract
Lets extract my brain and inspect
To see places they neglect
And inject the potion of prefect intellect
Dont forget my mind was set to reject
It means no disrespect
But it just disconnects
trapped
Strapped
Slashed
But who gives a **** if your depressed?
Doesn’t  matter if words were expressed!
eyes crawling up the walls
Back and forth through the halls

achild i was with a mind of my own
you came and snached it i just havent grown
left in me in gutter yup thats where ive been thrown
your heart so dark so cold like a piece of stone
how could you do that to your own
aching flesh and bone
that house we live in, fading in thee unknown
still stuck in the age seven, i just havent grown
rocking myself, scratching i feel so alone
hypocoristic , narcissistic, pessimistic, you wear like your fav cologne

they're all around me
in my brain, they feed like vultures,
the voices that leave me un-free
a crowd of faceless creatures,
black shadowed bodies I could see
standing there like creepers,
my stomach twisted in the fear of what it could be
were they insanity seekers?

I saw her there beside the sea,
the way she laughed at it
like the sea spoke to her
as it washed the sand tickling her feet
she looked at me
not how most people look at each other
but with shy eyes
asking me to join her
I sat there beside her
she covered her hands with her long sleeved shirt
took my hand and put it against the wet sand

"the sea has felt every feeling there is to feel, give away the pain you've been forced to feel, it will sink it in away from you, wait for it," she said

I knew at that moment she was my destiny,
but is she real

that night as my heart played the piano
my eyes washed away my ****** expressions,
the feelings were overwhelming I couldn't swallow
**** it, all these abusive therapy sessions,
traumatized me now I’m so shallow
I float away in another dimension.