As the winter nights became colder, so did you

Vines intertwined.
Scattered leaves left behind.
Where can we seek what we need to find.
Beauty and chaos combined,
What is this that makes us blind?
Look around maybe search behind.
Then they'll see something undefined.

When can sorrow never reach our tomorrow?
How can we escape this tragedy happily without agony?
I want to cross galaxies.
Redefine fallacies.

But how?
How can you do what is unknown?
When will you know to dodge what is thrown?

Like lost birds we search
For a branch where we could perch.

my love, you are more.

you are more than the voices inside your head
telling you that
                             you
                                      are
                   ­                           not
                                  ­                    enough.

you are more than their whispers of judgment
                                                        ­                           and
                                                             ­       hatred.

you are more than the words that people tell you
about how
                          you
                               ­        should
                                                          ­be.

you are your own unique vessel

                                  and to be loved is what you deserve.

At first it was about the warmth of
our hands intertwined
unknown defined
your arms' embrace
our heads face to face
your eyes' shimmer
our spark's glimmer
the laughter
the comfortable silence that follows after

Everything was perfect.
Everything was magnificent.

But you hated some things that came along with this.

Time passed by and
the smiles you gave lessened
same as the time you had
I tried to talk but you never listened
I felt so bad
The sparkle in your eyes dimmed
The meaning of words cringed

I feel like I am not worth it as much as you said I was.
Even if things are like that,
I still remember your touch and the feelings that comes later.
My heart still beats fast.
I still think of the past.
Then I wonder how our love was sweet.
My eyes still stare at you.
Do you feel that too?

I guess I'll never know.
But don't you wonder what are my thoughts of me and you?
It's almost two years,  we almost made it.

But like they say almost is never enough.

You weren't mine to lose.
But we both knew.
We had promises and dreams.
'Why did you give up' my heart screams.

I have this strange habit of getting left behind.*

I guess it was my fault, I never made myself someone who would be loved.

I guess I spent all my time on you
And yet you have other plans.

But darling
All I wanted was to hold your hand
To have your eyes locked on mine
To have you all to myself
To be mine and mine alone

And now I'm full with guesses, never knowing answers

I now know what they say is true.
Never give your heart away.
Never give your all to a person.

Because at the end–when they leave– you will have nothing left, not even yourself.

I'm not going to lie, love.
It still hurts.
It hurts me when I remember your lies,
your alibis, you texting her that summer

It hurts me when I remember and what hurts more is that you did it in the first place
Never did I think that you would do that
Never did I think I could be hurt any more than I am, more than I've been

It led to uncertainties, insecurities and gaps
And I honestly have trouble trusting you

Yet I was a fool who was hopelessly in love with you.
Unconditionally forgiving, making amends and running back to you

I could say how I don't deserve it
I could tell you how wrong you are and how low it made me look at you

Yet here I am, loving you even when you hit that lowest point
Even when you've done more than just hurt me

Bear with me, love.
Make me forget.

I can never ask you to stay, when all you want is to leave

hey baby girl you'll be fine open your mind
dark days are ahead but be kind
to others specially to yourself
don't say no one would help
because in you is where mending begins
It's true it's a cruel world
but don't let them bring you down through words
Oh baby girl I know after this
you'll laugh with bliss
you'll be okay
come what may
my beautiful soul
I know protecting others would be your goal
and if ever do it right
don't give up the fight
Don't let them feel your pain
because there's nothing to gain
oh baby girl don't cry
*soon those tears will dry

Bound by flaws and imperfections that are impossible to escape
Entrapped by thoughts both good and bad yet more often worse
Coated by hope through cracks life had made

We are such curious beings, always asking the question why.

I find death fascinating
I guess it's because we won't know where we'll go or what will happen
The few good things I could think of are:
You won't have to feel invisible because you already are
You won't have to do things you don't want to do
You can be alone and no one would care
You can haunt people for fun
You'll have peace
You won't have to please people
They can't hurt you physically

But:
words would sting
Memories would fade
You can see them...
You can see them happy without you, okay that you're gone
You would know if they cared or if you were just some measly being that could be replaced

What are your sources to the stories about me
that I myself don't know my darling?

It's the fear of someone else loving you more than I could that drives me insane.

Come see the stars with me
While I lay my head in your chest
Then your arms wrap around me
Let our comfort fill the silence
Let your love replace my sadness

Oh my darling, is it bad to need you tonight?

Things really do change
Which makes me wonder
Will you still be there?

Maybe say you love me one more time
Before I pretend to be fine
Or maybe wish to die

Here I am
Lying on my bed
Staying awake longer than I should be
I think of life, studies, family, friends, myself, but often of you
I think about possibilities
Of you doing what I'm doing right now
Of us going through hardships together
Of a future with each other
I like thinking of them as much as I do
But doubt creeps in and it eats me whole
Will I be enough?
Am I going through with something worth it?
uncertainty
Then when I fight with hope and see the lighter side,
right before I fall asleep
I guard myself again letting my hopes drop
Saying you will never think of me like I do with you

Please give me a chance
To say I love you everyday
Please stay with me
So I can do what I say
Please let me hold your hand
Kiss your lips
Hug you tight
You're perfect my angel
From your innocent face when you sleep
To the cutest yet scary angry face you had made
Please let me make you mine
Let me spend every waking and sleeping moment with you
I don't want anyone to steal my precious treasure
I don't want anyone else to touch my prized possession
I see my future with you
Unlike all the things in life, I'm sure with you
You're the best decision I have ever made
You are not an option my love
You are a choice
You are worth everything
You are enough
And you are my one and only desire

Life would mean less if you left
It wouldn't be the same
For I have given a part of me already
which is my heart

**you have no idea on the impact you have made

Tell me what you love
I'd give it all
You want passion?
I'll make fire to ignite your soul
You want sincerity?
I'd look you straight in the eyes and hope to see beyond your soul and answer anything you wish to know
You want material possessions?
I'll surprise you when you least expect it
You want someone else?
I'll set you free
Let you soar high like an eagle
Tell me what you want– I'd give it all
The world is yours
I'll let you try anything and everything
If it's death we shall do it together
A world without you is no better than a world without light
I hope you feel the intensity and let it burn
I hope with that, I have touched your heart
Because with you, I already have the world

Nothing is more precious that you my northern star, my luminescent sky.

She bled to feel something physically for she is too far gone to be alive.
She bled to find another cause of pain thinking it's better than what's at hand.
She bled for escape from thoughts and pain believing that by bleeding she can be free.
She bled to show her screams for help that cannot be released even if she does not know she needs it.

She bled until she was drained along with her hopes and her spirit
So now being shed for
With tears that can never bring back what is done
Tears of the people who could not see
who could have
who should have
who did not

Yes. It all depends on the her, her actions and her choice but it could change her mind knowing there's something to live for

No, time can never change the fate of life and alas in the end we regret the chances we did not take.

They spend the waking days and setting suns
apart, away
and every day
they yearn for their lover's touch

With you, everything is better
And I'm afraid that you have become more -
More than just a world I could get lost in
You are my world and I am not lost, I am found
I am more, I am me and that doesn't bother you
Still, you love me too
I'm a planet and you're more than my moon
You are my entire galaxy.

Baby, do you really mean the things you say?
Because I can't help to feel this way.
You say you love me,
but I can't feel it.
You say you care,
but when I needed you most you weren't there.
You say you miss me,
but you made no effort to be near.
Why not call me or come knocking at my door?

Why is it you say those things and fill me up with hope.
I wished they were true.
I wished you'd show me if it's real.
I would do those things for you
yet you can never do those things for me no matter how much you say you love me.

That's whats wrong with words.
They're all empty promises.
They're all theories needed to be proven.
Easy to say, difficult to prove.

You never really had the most beautiful voice,
but it was all I wanted to hear.

Surprises
Sweet efforts
They make my heart melt
Make me forget sadness
For even just a little while
I appeciate them
I even treasure those moments
Because for that instance
I feel they care
I know they thought of me
That I am a somebody
But I want to sleep
I'm not a warrior fit for battle
I am not a fair maiden to be saved
And I am not a victor in this conquest

*the world will go on but I-
I will not

He's someone I have to wait to be with,
Even so I feel Him in the silence.
In my heart, in my being.
He's my peace, my rock, my sanctuary.
In His arms I feel the love everyone craves to have.
I'm not perfect yet He never judges whenever I commit a mistake.
Unlike the people that surrounds me
I'm not the best but He loves me for me
He knows me inside and out
He's my hero and I am His.
He made me feel better today
I guess that is my faith in His prevalence.

I'm your distraction
I'm going to distance myself
I'll let you focus
I'll be okay for you
People have said so, people know so
I noticed it too
These people has a team
They're against me
I didn't do anything
Did I?
Why?
Don't fight for me
Give up on me
I need to isolate myself
I want to escape this labyrinth
I want to give up
not on you but on life
please forgive me
I am physically and emotionally drained
The world was strong enough to break this spirit
I hope they won't do the same with you
Can I go now?
Would you let me?
please let me
Let me put a blade
let me slash some skin maybe some flesh
let me bleed
let me be *free

I never got the reason why I smile whenever I see your face when it has been a long day

I never got the reason why you're the one I look for when the world is falling apart

I never got the reason why I gave you the broken pieces called a heart

I never got the reason why despite the things we go through I decided to fight for you

And I never got the reason why you left me out in the dark without words but just a simple vision of you walking away

You told me that you're mine and mine alone
And I fell asleep hoping to get to see you even if it is just in dreams

The dream started with them
then you appeared
So lean, my only
there was a shift
You didn't see me,
You didn't notice that I exist

You were there, but I felt I wasn't
You were happy and I watch you go
You held her hand as if she was precious
As if she was to be taken away if you didn't

You never did that with me,
Not even in person, not even in dreams

So can you see why I woke with ragged breaths and rapid heart beat

My nightmares was once strange and vivid
And now, all of them are about losing you

*what did you do to me?

How do I begin to tell you the story of my old lost love?
When our book has already closed
And our chapters give me paper cuts
How do I reminisce?
When with those ecstatic moments
In a brief span of time
Would hurt when remembered
Like being in snow beautiful but cold
Like being near fire but being inflamed
Like drowning but you see people breathing normally

Plundering into a familiar yet uneasy state
Thats how I am now
now that my love's gone.

Before them, we already had those nicknames,
I was already your moon,
And we were already the best.

Then I turned into your everything as you have said.
They started using what we already had.

While they did, we lost ours.
We didn't use them anymore for so long we forgot them.
And I miss being those things to you.
If being your everything means things being like this then take me back—take me back when our love was at its best,
take me where our love started.
When it was innocent, exciting yet passionate.

Let me feel that old love
*Show me, tell me, feel me.

I waited for you
Till my eyes turned white
Till the dusk became dawn
Till I froze at night
Till the rain poured then stopped
Till the wind blew and settled
Till I can't stand no more
Till your call where I've rehearsed my every word, every response, every negotiation
That I won't move
Till I'm in your hold
I won't go until you find me
I won't leave until you come
I would've stayed longer if you asked me to  
I would've surpassed all those things for you

But all I did was wait.
*I waited, waited for nothing.

I'll love you know matter what, okay?

They said define okay
Well I guess okay is something I need to say
For people to stop caring
To please their ears
And make them go on
Okay is nonchalant I guess

To me,
you choose her every time you utter her name knowing she's good at the stuff she does
You choose her every time you spend your time with her knowing I don't like her, knowing that everyone thinks it's okay when you spend your time with her and not with me

And I lose you every time we argue about her because when you defend her, you choose her again

**And maybe you will a hundred times more while you tell me lies of you still choosing me.

I am burning with the desire to hold you close
To trace the skin under those clothes
I woke up wanting to feel your lips on mine
To caress your hand
And make your body so close against mine
I guess time really does go by so fast and I miss you already
Come carry me
Fill me with the love you gave
Whisper the words you once uttered
Kiss me fast but make it slow
Maybe stop but don't go
Ignite this flame a bit further

Can we go back?*
to our fort
where we hid our secrets and got every chance we could

Can we go back?
to our stage
where no matter how blinding the lights could be, you'd still stare at me

Can we go back?
to our song
where we'd dance and your eyes, god those eyes, would burn down to my heart

Can we go back?
to yesterday
where I was in your arms, drowning in your scent, feeling warmth despite the storm

Can we fast forward?
to tomorrow's morrow
where I can be with you happily without sorrow

I like how the skies turn gray when a storm is coming
I like the wind blowing towards my face that makes my hair all shaggy
I like the sound of the first rain drops falling
I like it when its raining

I guess the cold is my comfort
The sound of the rain drowns my thoughts
The air is refreshing
The scent is mesmerizing specially the smell after the rain
That petrichor  
That calmness
That peace

Oh darling you don't know
how your every decision affects someone.
Someone who was always there for you
Who had been with you for the longest time
Who has seen you mad, crying or the happiest being alive
And has always stayed even when you were at your worst

Don't make them feel like you have replaced them for someone new
For someone you've met and then became your world
they made you a part of theirs
but right now, you have not
They don't know what has been happening
Your presence is there- yet your mind is not

Have you noticed how hurt they are?
Have you given time for them, or have lessened it?

It wouldn't hurt to communicate without other things in your mind
It isn't bad to enjoy your time with them
Please I know that feeling..
It's bold, dynamic and new
But don't grow tired and seek comfort in something foreign
Don't be unfair like that
Remember them, Cherish them
for you may regret and lose them too
They love you darling
You would not want to hurt any other,
but darling,you've wounded some
You made a choice,a decision
without thinking about it's consequences
You can never keep all
For somethings never last the way you want them to

Take a risk you said
For the doubts in my mind were too loud
That it over shadowed the want of my heart
I did as you told me
And when I did
I felt the pain
I felt how my world weight down on me
I felt the way broken people described life
Those who I thought exaggerated of how cruel the world can be
That risk took away my being
My life of innocence that the world is not as people said it was
But i was wrong and they were right
I took the risk but I guess it was nice
It was nice to feel the pain even if I feel the sun won't shine the same
Because without that risk
I would never have loved you the way I thought would be impossible

A farewell never said but felt by the heart
A one way ticket to a world forever apart

Let me:
Drink this beer to forget the taste of your sweet lips, drowning it with a bitter edge.

Smoke this cigarette to replace the air gone at times you took my breath away
while the nicotine becomes my lungs' drug to remove your scent from my system

*all these vices to forget and end the life planned with you

You saw me crying right in front of you
Did I have to yell too?
You just walked away and said it wasn't your problem
Like you didn't care at all
Why do you have to be so heartless
I just needed you to help
I needed and wanted your comfort
It was obvious
It was shown
But I guess nothing is really like that
Then I realized no one would really care
The rain then shared the sadness
My only confidant
My own tears

In our own little world
We've dreamed about our future
We've hoped for brighter days
We've shared our plans
And we swore to stay
At times we wished to be free
To cast away from these rules

Things would have been easier if it would just go according to our plans

But I don't regret
These hidden moments
The intimacy
These unfathomable emotion

now I have another thing to keep
A secret
Just
You
Our hearts
And
Me

I wish I could just stay there

I remember how you
pushed me against the wall
and in a way I would never fall
pressed your body onto mine
Your arms gripped tight like a vine
You closed your eyes
To mask your want in disguise
Then hasted to kiss me
My lips parted as to agree
Your pin so firm,so strong
There was no way I could've escaped even if it felt wrong
But honestly I just wanted that too
My heart beat as if wild animals were at the zoo
It was weird yet right
Unknown and light
Perfect and flawed
Bound to make us awed
Now I hate how it ended
Its not like I wanted
Now I have to bear this feeling
Of something missing
To avoid the temptation
Of your lips filled with flirtation
So cold yet soft
Bow shaped and liked most

I hate how I close my eyes and think of you and what happened
My heart saddened
Knowing I shouldn't and I couldn't do it anymore
Hanging by those word to which you swore.