Victor D. López (October 11, 2018)

You were born five years before the beginning of the Spanish civil war and
Lived in a modest two-story home in the lower street of Fontan, facing the ocean that
Gifted you its wealth and beauty but also robbed you of your beloved and noblest eldest
Brother, Juan, who was killed while working as a fisherman out to sea at the tender age of 19.

You were a little girl much prone to crying. The neighbors would make you cry just by saying,
"Chora, neniña, chora" [Cry little girl, cry] which instantly produced inconsolable wailing.
At the age of seven or eight you were blinded by an eye Infection. The village doctor
Saved your eyesight, but not before you missed a full year of school.

You never recovered from that lost time. Your impatience and the shame of feeling left behind prevented
You from making up for lost time. Your wounded pride, the shame of not knowing what your friends knew,
Your restlessness and your inability to hold your tongue when you were corrected by your teacher created
A perfect storm that inevitably tossed your diminutive boat towards the rocks.

When still a girl, you saw Franco with his escort leave his yacht in Fontan. With the innocence of a girl
Who would never learn to hold her tongue, you asked a neighbor who was also present, "Who is that Man?"
"The Generalissimo Francisco Franco," she answered and whispered “Say ‘Viva Franco’ when he Passes by.”
With the innocence of a little girl and the arrogance of an incorrigible old soul you screamed, pointing:

"That's the Generalissimo?" followed up loud laughter, "He looks like Tom Thumb!"
A member of his protective detail approached you, raising his machine gun with the apparent intention of
Hitting you with the stock. "Leave her alone!" Franco ordered. "She is just a child — the fault is not hers."
You told that story many times in my presence, always with a smile or laughing out loud.

I don't believe you ever appreciated the possible import of that "feat" of contempt for
Authority. Could that act of derision have played some small part in their later
Coming for your father and taking him prisoner, torturing him for months and eventually
Condemning him to be executed by firing squad in the Plaza de Maria Pita?

He escaped his fate with the help of a fascist officer who freed him as I’ve noted earlier.
Such was his reputation, the power of his ideas and the esteem even of friends who did not share his views.
Such was your innocence or your psychic blind spot that you never realized your possible contribution to
His destruction. Thank God you never connected the possible impact of your words on his downfall.

You adored your dad throughout your life with a passion of which he was most deserving.
He died shortly after the end of the Spanish Civil War. A mother with ten mouths to feed
Needed help. You stepped up in response to her silent, urgent need. At the age of
Eleven you left school for the last time and began working full time.

Children could not legally work in Franco’s Spain. Nevertheless, a cousin who owned a cannery
Took pity on your situation and allowed you to work full-time in his fish cannery factory in Sada.
You earned the same salary as the adult, predominantly women workers and worked better
Than most of them with a dexterity and rapidity that served you well your entire life.

In your free time before work you carried water from the communal fountain to neighbors for a few cents.
You also made trips carrying water on your head for home and with a pail in each hand. This continued after
You began work in Cheche’s cannery. You rose long before sunrise to get the water for
Home and for the local fishermen before they left on their daily fishing trips for their personal water pails.

All of the money you earned went to your mom with great pride that a girl could provide more than the salary of a
Grown woman--at the mere cost of her childhood and education. You also washed clothes for some
Neighbors for a few cents more, with diapers for newborns always free just for the pleasure of being
Allowed to see, hold spend some time with the babies you so dearly loved you whole life through.
When you were old enough to go to the Sunday cinema and dances, you continued the
Same routine and added washing and ironed the Sunday clothes for the young fishermen
Who wanted to look their best for the weekly dances. The money from that third job was your own
To pay for weekly hairdos, the cinema and dance hall entry fee. The rest still went to your mom.

At 16 you wanted to go to emigrate to Buenos Aires to live with an aunt.
Your mom agreed to let you--provided you took your younger sister, Remedios, with you.
You reluctantly agreed. You found you also could not legally work in Buenos Aires as a minor.
So you convincingly lied about your age and got a job as a nurse’s aide at a clinic soon after your arrival.

You washed bedpans, made beds, scrubbed floors and did other similar assigned tasks
To earn enough money to pay the passage for your mom and two youngest brothers,
Sito (José) and Paco (Francisco). Later you got a job as a maid at a hotel in the resort town of
Mar del Plata whose owners loved your passion for taking care of their infant children.

You served as a maid and unpaid babysitter. Between your modest salary and
Tips as a maid you soon earned the rest of the funds needed for your mom’s and brothers’
Passage from Spain. You returned to Buenos Aires and found two rooms you could afford in an
Excellent neighborhood at an old boarding house near the Spanish Consulate in the center of the city.

Afterwards you got a job at a Ponds laboratory as a machine operator of packaging
Machines for Ponds’ beauty products. You made good money and helped to support your
Mom and brothers  while she continued working as hard as she always had in Spain,
No longer selling fish but cleaning a funeral home and washing clothing by hand.

When your brothers were old enough to work, they joined you in supporting your
Mom and getting her to retire from working outside the home.
You lived with your mom in the same home until you married dad years later,
And never lost the bad habit of stubbornly speaking your mind no matter the cost.

Your union tried to force you to register as a Peronista. Once burned twice cautious,
You refused, telling the syndicate you had not escaped one dictator to ally yourself with
Another. They threatened to fire you. When you would not yield, they threatened to
Repatriate you, your mom and brothers back to Spain.

I can’t print your reply here. They finally brought you to the general manager’s office
Demanding he fire you. You demanded a valid reason for their request.
The manager—doubtless at his own peril—refused, saying he had no better worker
Than you and that the union had no cause to demand your dismissal.

After several years of courtship, you and dad married. You had the world well in hand with
Well-paying jobs and strong savings that would allow you to live a very comfortable life.
You seemed incapable of having the children you so longed for. Three years of painful
Treatments allowed you to give me life and we lived three more years in a beautiful apartment.

I have memories from a very tender age and remember that apartment very well. But things changed
When you decided to go into businesses that soon became unsustainable in the runaway inflation and
Economic chaos of the Argentina of the early 1960’s. I remember only too well your extreme sacrifice
And dad’s during that time—A theme for another day, but not for today.

You were the hardest working person I’ve ever known. You were not afraid of any honest
Job no matter how challenging and your restlessness and competitive spirit always made you a
Stellar employee everywhere you worked no matter how hard or challenging the job.
Even at home you could not stand still unless there was someone with whom to chat awhile.

You were a truly great cook thanks in part to learning from the chef of the hotel where you had
Worked in Mar del Plata awhile—a fellow Spaniard of Basque descent who taught you many of his favorite
Dishes—Spanish and Italian specialties. You were always a terribly picky eater. But you
Loved to cook for family and friends—the more the merrier—and for special holidays.

Dad was also a terrific cook, but with a more limited repertoire. I learned to cook
With great joy from both of you at a young age. And, though neither my culinary skills nor
Any aspect of my life can match you or dad, I too am a decent cook and
Love to cook, especially for meals shared with loved ones.

You took great pleasure in introducing my friends to some of your favorite dishes such as
Cazuela de mariscos, paella marinera, caldo Gallego, stews, roasts, and your incomparable
Canelones, ñoquis, orejas, crepes, muñuelos, flan, and the rest of your long culinary repertoire.
In primary and middle school dad picked me up every day for lunch before going to work.

You and he worked the second shift and did not leave for work until around 2:00 p.m.
Many days, dad would bring a carload of classmates with me for lunch.
I remember as if it were yesterday the faces of my Jewish, Chinese, Japanese, German, Irish
And Italian friends when first introduced to octopus, Spanish tortilla, caldo Gallego, and flan.

The same was true during college and law school.  At times our home resembled an
U.N. General Assembly meeting—but always featuring food. You always treated my
Closest friends as if they were your children and a number of them to this day love
You as a second mother though they have not seen you for many years.

You had tremendous passion and affinity for being a mother (a great pity to have just one child).
It made you over-protective. You bought my clothes at an exclusive boutique. I became a
Living doll for someone denied such toys as a young girl. You would not let me out of your sight and
Kept me in a germ-free environment that eventually produced some negative health issues.

My pediatrician told you often “I want to see him with ***** finger nails and scraped knees.”
You dismissed the statement as a joke. You’d take me often to the park and to my
Favorite merry-go-round. But I had not one friend until I was seven or eight and then just one.
I did not have a real circle of friends until I was about 13 years old. Sad.

I was walking and talking up a storm in complete sentences when I was one year old.
You were concerned and took me to my pediatrician who laughed. He showed me a
Keychain and asked, “What is this Danny.” “Those are your car keys” I replied. After a longer
Evaluation he told my mom it was important to encourage and feed my curiosity.

According to you, I was unbearable (some things never change). I asked dad endless questions such as,
“Why is the sun hot? How far are the stars and what are they made of? Why
Can’t I see the reflection of a flashlight pointed at the sky at night? Why don’t airplanes
Have pontoons on top of the wheels so they can land on both water and land? Etc., etc., etc.

He would answer me patiently to the best of his ability and wait for the inevitable follow-ups.
I remember train and bus rides when very young sitting on his lap asking him a thousand Questions.
Unfortunately, when I asked you a question you could not answer, you more often than not made up an answer Rather than simply saying “I don’t know,” or “go ask dad” or even “go to hell you little monster!”

I drove you crazy. Whatever you were doing I wanted to learn to do, whether it was working on the
Sewing machine, knitting, cooking, ironing, or anything else that looked remotely interesting.
I can’t imagine your frustration. Yet you always found only joy in your little boy at all ages.
Such was your enormous love which surrounded me every day of my life and still does.

When you told me a story and I did not like the ending, such as with “Little Red Riding Hood,”
I demanded a better one and would cry interminably if I did not get it. Poor mom. What patience!
Reading or making up a story that little Danny did not approve of could be dangerous.
I remember one day in a movie theater watching the cartoons I loved (and still love).

Donald Duck came out from stage right eating a sandwich. Sitting between you and dad I asked you
For a sandwich. Rather than explaining that the sandwich was not real, that we’d go to dinner after the show
To eat my favorite steak sandwich (as usual), you simply told me that Donald Duck would soon bring me the sandwich. But when the scene changed, Donald Duck came back smacking his lips without the sandwich.

Then all hell broke loose. I wailed at the top of my lungs that Donald Duck had eaten my sandwich.
He had lied to me and not given me the promised sandwich. That was unbearable. There was
No way to console me or make me understand—too late—that Donald Duck was also hungry,
That it was his sandwich, not mine, or that what was on the screen was just a cartoon and not real.

He, Donald Duck, mi favorite Disney character (then and now) hade eaten this little boy’s Sandwich. Such a Betrayal by a loved one was inconceivable and unbearable. You and dad had to drag me out of the theater ranting And crying at the injustice at top volume. The tantrum (extremely rare for me then, less so now) went on for awhile, but all was well again when my beloved Aunt Nieves gave me a ******* with jam and told me Donald had sent it.

So much water under the bridge. Your own memories, like smoke in a soft breeze, have dissipated
Into insubstantial molecules like so many stars in the night sky that paint no coherent picture.
An entire life of vital conversations turned to the whispers of children in a violent tropical storm,
Insubstantial, imperceptible fragments—just a dream that interrupts an eternal nightmare.

That is your life today. Your memory was always prodigious. You knew the name of every person
You ever met, and those of their family members. You could recall entire conversations word for word.
Three years of schooling proved more than sufficient for you to go out into the world, carving your own
Path from the Inhospitable wilderness and learning to read and write at the age of 16.

You would have been a far better lawyer than I and a fiery litigator who would have fought injustice
Wherever you found it and always defended the rights of those who cannot defend themselves,
Especially children who were always your most fervent passion. You sacrificed everything for others,
Always put yourself dead-last, and never asked for anything in return.

You were an excellent dancer and could sing like an angel. Song was your release in times of joy and
In times of pain. You did not drink or smoke or over-indulge in anything. For much of your life your only minor Indulgence was a weekly trip to the beauty parlor—even in Spain where your washing and ironing income
Paid for that. You were never vain in any way, but your self-respect required you to try to look your best.

You loved people and unlike dad who was for the most part shy, you were quite happy in the all-to-infrequent
Role as the life of the party—singing, dressing up as Charlie Chaplin or a newborn for New Year’s Eve parties with Family and close friends. A natural story-teller until dementia robbed you of the ability to articulate your thoughts,
You’d entertain anyone who would listen with anecdotes, stories, jokes and lively conversation.

In short: you were an exceptional person with a large spirit, a mischievous streak, and an enormous heart.
I know I am not objective about you, but any of your surviving friends and family members who knew you
Well will attest to this and more in a nanosecond. You had an incredibly positive, indomitable attitude
That led you to rush in where angels fear to treat not out of foolishness but out of supreme confidence.

Life handed you cartloads of lemons—enough to pickle the most ardent optimist. And you made not just
Lemonade but lemon merengue pie, lemon sorbet, lemon drops, then ground up the rind for sweetest
Rice pudding, flan, fried dough and a dozen other delicacies. And when all the lemons were gone, you sowed the Seeds from which extraordinarily beautiful lemon trees grew with fruit sweeter than grapes, plums, or cherries.

I’ve always said with great pride that you were a far better writer than I. How many excellent novels,
Plays, and poems could you have written with half of my education and three times my workload?
There is no justice in this world. Why does God give bread to those without teeth? Your
Prodigious memory no longer allows you to recognize me. I was the last person you forgot.

But even now when you cannot have a conversation in any language, Sometimes your eyes sparkle, and
You call me “neniño” (my little boy in Galician) and I know that for an instant you are no longer alone.
But too son the light fades and the darkness returns. I can only see you a few hours one day a week.
My life circumstances do not leave me another option. The visits are bitter sweet but I’m grateful for them.

Someday I won’t even have that opportunity to spend a few hours with you. You’ll have no
Monument to mark your passing save in my memory so long as reason remains. An entire
Life of incalculable sacrifice will leave behind only the poorest living legacy of love
In your son who lacks appropriate words to adequately honor your memory, and always will.


*          *          *

The day has come, too son. October 11, 2018. The call came at 3:30 am.
An hour or two after I had fallen asleep. They tried CPR in vain. There will be no more
Opportunities to say, “I Love you,” to caress your hands and face, to softly sing in your ear,
To put cream on your hands, or to hope that this week you might remember me.

No more time to tell you the accomplishments of loved ones, who I saw, what they told me,
Who asked about you this week, or to pray with you, or to ask if you would give me a kiss by putting my
Cheek close to your lips, to feel joy when you graced me with many little kisses in response,
Or tell you “Maybe next time” when as more often than not the case for months you did not respond.

In saying good bye I’d give you the kiss and hug Alice always sent you,
Followed by three more kisses on the forehead from dad (he always gave you three) and one from me.
I’d leave the TV on to a channel with people and no sound and when possible
Wait for you to close your eyes before leaving.

Time has run out. No further extensions are possible. My prayers change from asking God to protect
You and by His Grace allow you to heal a little bit each day to praying that God protect your
Soul and dad’s and that He allow you to rest in peace in His kingdom. I miss you and Dad very much
And will do so as long as God grants me the gift of reason. I never knew what it is to be alone. I do now.

Four years seeing your blinding light reduced to a weak flickering candle in total darkness.
Four years fearing that you might be aware of your situation.
Four years praying that you would not feel pain, sadness or loneliness.
Four years learning to say goodbye. The rest of my life now waiting in the hope of seeing you again.

I love you mom, with all my heart, always and forever.

I once ate flan in a pan from a can with a man in a van called Dan then ran!

Naciste siete años antes del comienzo de la guerra civil española,
Y viviste en una casita de dos pisos en la Calle de Abajo de Fontan,
Frente al mar que les regalo su riqueza y belleza,
Y les robo a tu hermano mayor, y el más noble, Juan, a los 19 años.

De chiquita eras muy llorona. Los vecinos te hacían rabiar con solo decirte,
“Chora, Litiña, chora” lo cual producía un largo llanto al instante.
A los siete u ocho años quedaste ciega por una infección en los ojos. Te salvó la vista
El medico del pueblo, pero no antes de pasar más de un año sin poder ir a la escuela.

Nunca recuperaste ese tiempo perdido. Tu impaciencia y la vergüenza de sentirte atrasada, Impidieron tus estudios. Tu profundo amor propio y la vergüenza de no saber lo que sabían tus
Amigas de tu edad, tu inquietud y tu inhabilidad de aguantar la lengua cuando te corregían,
Crearon una perfecta tormenta que desvió tu diminutiva nave hacia las rocas.

Cuando aún una niña, viste a Franco con su escolta salir de su yate en Fontan.
Con la inocencia de una niña que nunca supo aguantar la lengua, preguntaste a
Una vecina que también estaba presente “Quien es ese señor?”
“El Generalísimo Francisco Franco” te contestó en voz baja. Dile “Viva Franco” cuando pase.

Con la inocencia de una niña y con la arrogancia de una viejita incorregible gritaste señalándolo
“Ese es el Generalísimo?” Y con una carcajada seguiste en voz alta “Parece Pulgarcito!”
Un miembro de su escolta se acercó alzando su ametralladora con la aparente Intención de Golpearte con la culata. “Dejadla!” Exclamo Franco. “Es una niña—la culpa no es suya.”

Contaste ese cuento muchas veces en mi presencia, siempre con una sonrisa o riéndote.
Creo que nunca apreciaste el importe de esa “hazaña” de desprecio a la autoridad. Pudiera ser En parte por ese hecho de tu niñez que vinieron eventualmente por tu padre  
Que lo Llevaron preso. Que lo torturaron por muchos meses y condenaron a muerte?

El escapó su condena como ya he contado antes—con la ayuda de un oficial fascista.
Tan fuerte era su reputación y el poder de sus ideas hasta con sus muchos amigos contrarios.
Tal tu inocencia, o tu ceguera psíquica, en no comprender nunca una potencial causa de su Destrucción. A Dios gracias que nunca pudiste apreciar la posible consecuencia de tus palabras.

Tu padre, quien quisiste toda la vida entrañablemente con una pasión de la cual fue muy Merecedor, murió poco después del término de la guerra civil. Una madre con diez
Bocas para alimentar necesitaba ayuda. Tú fuiste una de las que más acudió a ese
Pedido silencioso. A los 11 años dejaste la escuela por última vez y comenzaste a trabajar.

Los niños no podían trabajar en la España de Franco. No obstante, un primo tomó piedad
De la situación y te permitió trabajar en su fábrica de embutidos de pescado en Sada.
Ganabas igual que todas tus compañeras mayores. Y trabajabas mejor que la mayoría de ellas,
Con la rapidez y destreza que te sirvieron bien toda tu vida en todos tus trabajos.

En tu tiempo libre, llevabas agua de la fuente comunal a vecinos por unos céntimos.
De chiquita también llevabas una sella en la cabeza para casa y dos baldes en las manos antes y Después de tu trabajo en la fábrica de Cheche para el agua de muchos pescadores en el puerto
Antes del amanecer esperando la partida a alta mar con tu agua fresca en sus recipientes.

Todo ese dinero era entregado tu madre con el orgullo de una niña que proveía
Más que el sueldo de una mujer grande—solo a cambio de tu niñez y de la escuela.
También lavabas ropa para algunos vecinos. Y siempre gratuitamente los pañales cuando había
Niños recién nacidos solo por el placer de verlos y poder estar con ellos.

Cuando eras un poco más grande, ya de edad de ir al baile y al cine, seguías la misma rutina,
Pero también lavabas y planchabas la ropa de los marineros jóvenes que querían ir muy limpios
Y bien planchados al baile los domingos. Ese era el único dinero que era solo tuyo—para
Pagar la peluquería todas las semanas y el baile y cine. El resto siempre para tu madre.

 
A los dieciséis años quisiste emigrar a Argentina a la casa de una tía en Buenos Aires.
Tu madre te lo permitió, pero solo si llevabas también a tu hermana menor, Remedios, contigo.
Lo hiciste. En Buenos Aires no podías trabajar tampoco por ser menor. Mentiste en las Aplicaciones y pudiste conseguir trabajo en una clínica como ayudanta de enfermera.

Lavaste bacinillas, cambiaste camas, y limpiaste pisos con otros trabajos similares.
Todo por ganar suficiente dinero para poder reclamar a tu madre y hermanos menores,
Sito (José) y Paco (Francisco). Luego conseguiste un trabajo de mucama en un hotel
En Mar del Plata. Los dueños apreciaron tu pasión por cuidar a sus niños pequeños.

Te mantuvieron como niñera y mucama—sin doble sueldo. Entre tu (pobre) sueldo y
Propinas de mucama, en un tiempo pudiste guardar suficiente dinero para comprar
Los pasajes para tu madre y hermanos. También pudiste volver a Buenos Aires y
Conseguiste alquilar un doble cuarto en una antigua casa cerca del Consulado español.

De aquellas, aun menor de edad, ya trabajabas en el laboratorio Ponds—al cargo de una
Máquina de empacado de productos de belleza. Ganabas buen dinero, y vivieron en el
Centro de Buenos aires en esa casa hasta que te casaste con papa muchos años después.
Aun te perseguía la mala costumbre de decir lo que penabas y de no dar el brazo a torcer.

El sindicato de la Ponds trató de obligarte a registrarte como Peronista.
A gato escaldado hasta el agua fría le hace daño, y reusaste registrarte al partido.
Le dijiste al sindicato que no le habías escapado a un dictador para aliarte a otro.
Te amenazaron con perder el trabajo. Y con repatriarte a ti y a tu madre y hermanos.

Tu respuesta no la puedo escribir aquí. Te llevaron frente al gerente general demandando
Que te despidiera de inmediato. Contestaste que te demostraran razones para hacerlo.
El gerente—indudablemente a propio riesgo—contestó que no había mejor trabajadora
En la fábrica y que no tenía el sindicato razones para pedir que te despidiera.

Después de un noviazgo de varios años, se casaron tú y papa. Tenían el mundo en sus
Manos. Buen trabajo con buenos ahorros que les permitirían vivir muy bien en el futuro.
No podías tener hijos—los cuales siempre anhelaste tener. Tres años de tratamientos
Lograron que me dieras vida. Vivimos por años en un hermoso apartamento en la ciudad.

Tengo uso de razón y recuerdos gratos desde antes de los dos años. Recuerdo muy bien ese Apartamento. Pero las cosas cambiaron cuando decidieron emprender un negocio
Que no fue sostenible en el caos de la Argentina en los años 60. Recuerdo demasiado bien el Sacrificio tuyo y el de papa—es eso un tema para otro día, pero no para hoy.

Fuiste la persona más trabajadora que conocí en mi vida. No le temías a ningún trabajo
Honesto por fuerte que fuese y tu inquietud y espíritu competitivo siempre te hicieron
Una empleada estelar en todos tus trabajos, la mayoría de ellos sumamente esclavos.
Hasta en casa no sabias parar a no ser que tuvieras con quien charlar un rato largo.

Eras una gran cocinera gracias en parte al chef del hotel en cual trabajaste en Argentina
Que era también un compatriota español (vasco) y te enseno a cocinar muchos de sus
Platos españoles e italianos favoritos. Fuiste siempre muy mal comedora. Pero te
Encantaba cocinar para amigos, familia y—cuantos mas mejor—y para las fiestas.

Papá también era buen cocinero aunque con un repertorio mas limitado. Y yo aprendí
De los dos con mucho afán también a cocinar desde joven. Ni en la cocina ni en ninguna
Fase de mi vida me puedo comparar contigo ni con papa, pero también me encanta
Cocinar y en especial para compartir con seres queridos.

Te daba gran placer introducir a mis amigos a tus platos favoritos como la cazuela de mariscos,
Paella, caldo gallego, tus incomparables canelones, ñoquis, orejas, filloas, buñuelos, flan,
Y todo el resto de tu largo repertorio de música culinaria. Papa me iba a buscar al colegio
Cuando en la escuela secundaria (JHS #10) todos los días antes del trabajo.

Los dos trabajaban el segundo turno y no partían hasta después de las 2:00 p.m.
Muchos días traía el coche lleno de mis compañeros. Recuerdo igual que si fuera ayer
Las caras de mis amigos judíos, chinos, japoneses, italianos, ingleses e irlandeses
Cuando primero probaron el pulpo, caldo gallego, la tortilla, las orejas o el flan.

Mediante el bachiller, la universidad y los estudios de derecho fue igual. A veces parecía
Una reunión de Las Naciones Unidas, pero siempre con comida. Siempre trataste a mis
Amigos íntimos como si fueran hijos tuyos también. Y algunos aun hoy día te quieren
Como una segunda madre y sienten tu ausencia aunque no te vieran por muchos años.

Tuviste una pasión por ser madre (una gran pena que solo tuvieras un hijo).
Que te hizo ser demasiado protectora de tu hijo.  Me vestías con ropa exclusiva de
Les Bebes—Fui un muñeco para quien no los tuvo de niña. No me dejabas fuera de tu vista.
El mantenerme en un ambiente libre de gérmenes produjeron algunos problemas de salud.

Mi pediatra te decía “Quiero verlo con las rodillas raspadas y las uñas sucias.”
Tú lo tomabas como un chiste. Me llevabas a menudo a un parque y a la calesita.
Lo recuerdo como si fuera ayer. Pero no recuerdo tener ningún amigo hasta los siete u ocho
Años. Y solo uno entonces. No recuerdo tener una pandilla de amigos hasta los 13 años. Triste.

Cuando comencé a hablar como una cotorra con un año, y a caminar al mismo tiempo,
Me llevaste al médico. El medico pensó que era solo idea tuya. Me mostro unas llaves y me
Pregunto “Sabes lo que es esto, Danielito?” “Si. Son las llaves de tu tutú,” le contesté.
Después de unas pruebas, le recomendaron a mi madre que alimentara mi curiosidad.

Según ella era yo insoportable (algunas cosas nunca cambian). Si le preguntaba a
Papá por que el sol quema, a que distancia esta, que son las estrellas, por qué una
Linterna enfocada al cielo en una noche oscura no se ve, por qué los aviones no tienen
Ruedas debajo de pontones para poder aterrizar y despegar en el agua? Etc., etc., etc.

Me contestaba con paciencia. Recuerdo viajes en tren o autobús sentado en las piernas de mi Padre haciéndole mil preguntas. Desafortunadamente, si le preguntaba algo a mama que No supiera contestar, inventaba cualquier respuesta con tal de hacerme callar en vez de decirme “No se” o “pregúntaselo a papá” o “vete al infierno de una ver por todas y dejame en paz.”

Cuando me contaba algún cuento y no me gustaba como terminaba, “Caperucita Roja” por Ejemplo, mi madre tenía que inventar un fin que me gustara mejor o aguantar un llanto
Interminable. Pobre madre. Inventar lo que a Danielito no le gustaba podía ser peligroso.
Recuerdo un día en el teatro viendo dibujos animados que me encantaban (y aun encantan).

El Pato Donald salió en una escena comiéndose un tremendo sándwich. Le dije a mamá que
Quería un sándwich igual. En vez de contestarme que no era un sándwich de verdad, o que me Llevarían a comer después del teatro (como de costumbre) se le ocurrió decirme que me
Lo iba a traer el Pato Donald al asiento. Cambio la escena y el Pato Donald salió sin el sándwich.

 
Se acabo el mundo. Empecé a chillar y llorar que el Pato Donald se comió mi sándwich.
Me había mentido y no me trajo el prometido sándwich. Eso era algo insoportable.
No hubo forma de consolarme o hacerme entender—ya tarde—que el Pato Donald también
Tenía hambre, que el sándwich era suyo y no mío, o que lo de la pantalla no era realidad.

Ardió Cristo. Se había comido el sándwich del nene el Pato Donald quien era (y es) mi favorito.
La traición de un ser querido así era inconcebible e insoportable. Me tuvieron que quitar del
Cine a grito pelado. No se me fue la pataleta por largo rato. Pero todo paso cuando mi querida Tía Nieves (una prima) me dio unas galletas marineras con mermelada más tarde en su casa.

Cuánta agua debajo del puente. Tus recuerdos como el humo en una placentera brisa ya se han Esparcido, son moléculas insubstanciales como estrellas en el cielo, que no pintan cuadros Coherentes. Una vida de conversaciones vitales vueltas a susurros de niños en una tormenta Tropical, impermisibles, insustanciales, solo un sueño que interrumpe una pesadilla eterna.

Así es tu vida hoy. Tu memoria fue siempre prodigiosa. Recordabas el nombre de todas las Personas que conociste en toda tu vida—y conversaciones enteras palabra por palabra.
Con solo tres años de escuela, te fuiste por el mundo rompiendo paso y aprendiste a leer y
Escribir ya después de os 16 años en una ciudad adoptiva. Te fue más que suficiente tu estudio.

Siempre dije que eras mucho mejor escritora que yo. Cuantas excelentes novelas u obras de Teatro y poesía hubieras escribido tú con la mitad de mi educación y el triple de trabajo?  
No ay justicia en este mundo. Por qué le da Dios pan a quien no tiene dientes? Tú prodigiosa Memoria no te permite ya que me reconozcas. Fui la última persona que olvidaste.

Pero aun ahora que ya no puedes tener una conversación normal en ningún idioma,
Alguna vez te brillan los ojos y me llamas “neniño” y sé que por un instante no estás ya sola.
Pero pronto se apaga esa luz y vuelve la oscuridad. Solo te puedo ver unas horas un día a la Semana. Las circunstancias de mi vida no me dejan otra mejor opción.

Algún día no tendré ni siquiera la oportunidad de compartir unas horas contigo. No tendrás
Monumento alguno salvo en mis recuerdos mientras me quede uso de razón. Toda una
Vida de incalculable sacrificio de la cual solo dejarás el más pobre rasgo viviente del amor
De tu único hijo quien no tiene palabras para honrarte adecuadamente ni nunca las tendrá.


*          *          *

Ya llegó ese día, demasiado pronto. Octubre 11, 2018. Llegó la llamada a las 03:30 horas,
Una o dos horas después de haber quedado yo dormido. Te trataron de resucitar en vano.
No habría ya mas oportunidades de decirte te quiero, de acariciar tus manos y cara,
De cantarte al oído, de poner crema en tus manos, de anhelar que esta semana me recordaras.

De contarte acontecimientos de seres queridos, a quien vi, que me dijeron, quien pregunto
Por ti, ni de rezar por ti o de pedirte si me dabas un besito poniendo mi mejilla cerca de tus Labios y del placer cuando respondías dándome muchos besitos. Cuando no me respondías,
Lo mas probable estos últimos muchos meses, te decía, “Bueno la próxima vez.”

Siempre al despedirme te daba un besito por Alice y un abrazo que siempre te mandaba,
Y tres besitos en tu frente de parte de papa (siempre te daba tres juntos), y uno mío. Te
Dejaba la tele prendida en un canal sin volumen que mostrara movimiento. Y en lo posible
Esperaba que quedaras con los ojos cerrados antes de marchar.

Se acabó el tiempo. No hay mas prorroga. Mis oraciones cambian de pedir que Dios te proteja
Y que por Su Gracia puedas sanar un poquito día a día a que Dios guarde tu alma y la de papá y
Permita que descansen en paz en Su reino. Te hecho mucho de menos ya, como a papá, y lo
Haré mientras viva y Dios me permita uso de razón. No sabia lo que es estar solo. Ahora si lo se.

Cuatro años viendo tu deslumbrante luz reducirse a una vela temblando en a oscuridad.
Cuatro años temiendo que te dieras cuenta de tu situación.
Cuatro años rogando que no tuvieras dolor, tristeza o soledad.
Cuatro años y sin aprender como decirte adiós. El resto de mi vida esperando verte otra vez.

Te quiero con todo mi corazón siempre y para siempre, mamá. Descansa en Paz.

Poema Code Switching
By Aylin Soto-Aleman, Mercedes Caballero, Jesus Martinez, Marta Silva, Alex Alejandre
16.4.15

El final de una etapa
The end,
The beginning of a new journey
un camino
A un mundo extranjero
Un deseo, un sueño
A dream
Haciendo mi propio path
un camino
rostros nuevos , new failures
historias nuevas , new experiences
a sequel to my story, con hojas rotas
y mojadas    


INMIGRACION

La memoria es un salto
entre continentes
crossing invisible borders
swimming in the rios
corriendo debajo del sol

La memoria es los abuelitos
ancestors cooking arroz y frijoles,
flan, driving through for hamburgers,
popcorn, sipping on horchata
Basilica
No todo lo que brilla es oro
not all rainbows and butterflies,
Clarita y sus cien años
Ruben y sus Tacos del Camino Real
El rancho
Midnight movies
Quiero a quien me quiera
It’s been a long day, without you my friend
Mexicanos al grito de guerra
Oh, say can you see by the dawn’s early light
Tepechitlan, Jerecuaro, Guanajuato
Long Beach, Argentine, KCK,
Chihuahua,
A Distance Between Us
El puente, the bridge.
Three Little Pigs en casa, at home,
don't step out marranitos,
la llorona te va a llevar

Memory is a leap
between continents
Cruzando fronteras invisibles,
Nadando en los rivers
Running under the sun

Born in different places
Pero las mismas intenciones

a plain poem (the first time I came in you)*

a plain poem, light and effervescent, a flim-flan tasting,
plein de absurde rimes, full of nonsensical rhymes,
a lattice of criss crossing pastry sugary lines, the ones,
cannot, struggle to deduce, induce, reduce
from my constipated vocabulary

oh well
~
the first time I came in you,
entered, bidden welcome,
suffused a bridge between
the party of the first part,
the party of the second part,
sugar lightness airy nonsense,
two spirits dancing the singular
pas de deux of their finite lives,
a performance unbeatable,
unrepeatable,
lost to the perfection annals

Shockingly, Surprisingly, Summarily,
did not compose an ode,
don't mine a new vein of ore,
even write a plain poe poem

as best can recall,
at the candle melting of the
sealing wax of the deal,
gave an honest speech,
instantly falling fast asleep
with nary a grunted word

ever since l,
cannot write of plain love plainly,
so she makes me pay with a
new living elegant elegy daily,
a quatrain, what a pain,
this iambic panting meter
love poem writing

jeez louise,
how I wish could write of
roses red and violets blue,
get back to sleep,
oh well then,
back to work

got to make those sad moans,
hers, go away,
so please excuse me

near ten years later,
still paying the dues of the
initializing error of my way

she rumbles-mumbles in her
pre-awakening dream state,
so please excuse, got to go, think up
some implicated complicated  
verses to soothe away
her simple poorly hidden anxieties

you see,
I am happy paying
on and on,
writing like the devil furious,
she is stirring, coffee soon,
cafe au lait
if you get my meaning,
but still cannot beat,
repeat, re-alive
that simple plain living poem notated,
when first I came in her*


<•;)

9/24/17 6:49am ~7:17am

1

Late afternoon
leaving the city
the bus route intersects
the terraced houses,
row upon row:
right to the valley floor,
left to wooded heights.

In a bay-windowed room
a child sits at a table
beachcombing the net.
Tea is past
and there is gentle talk of
volcanoes , the Verungas,
and gorillas in the midst.
Outside, and a floor below,
a garden nestles into the dusk,
a blackbird settles itself with song.

Later, at the same table.
there is a silent grace.
A shy five year old
in scary pyjamas
comes to say goodnight.
For supper: a goat’s cheese flan,
a simple salad,
pink wine,
strong coffee.

On the mantelpiece:
the familiar jumble of cards and photos,
a collage of family faces distant shores.
On the walls:
grandmother’s woven rug,
her grand-daughter’s textiled strata,
an embroidered geology.

2

The next day,
so bright and clear,
the garden bench is warm by ten.
We sit surrounded
by the evidence
of this growing season:
emergent plants, the possibility of fruit,
even declarations of vegetables.

As ideas flow
across cake and coffee
so the shadows move,
shaping depths, enriching tones
on greys, within greens.

In the midday sun,
the garden becomes
a wild tracery of lines
as perspectives
distort, corrupt, thicken . . .
and space opens everywhere:
foliage as yet transparent
no shelter to stalk and stem.
Their very arteries revealed,
plants bask in the fragile heat
of ‘just’ Spring.

here we are.
trying to fill the emptiness
the places where we hurt each other
with small talk
and offerings of cups of coffee
and slices of chocolate cake
and flan
as if the sweetness
is enough to cover our faults.
as if sugar is the cure
for the wounds we keep.
and today.
it is.
it is a place to start.

Secretly?Tall=Tower-fee lucky
777 "I'm Free"-Flowery + $$$

Being Oz-wizardly
Toto lucky bite red slipper
((Cowardly)) Lionly
-Whoa_ She got that Geisha Irony
This is Tokyo
Not the flower shop of Soho

(( Japan Chefs Black Panthers))
Shout box

Unique flowers of
faces-gather
Too outfox

One Geisha Flowery room
Twilight-places lightly bloom

Overpowering
Sunflower showering
Going nowhere
Her body heat
Is always
somewhere

Over flowered the rainbow
magic women
romantically spritz and spray
Love me love me not
I am waiting today

Flowered over one
Man?
Her Fortune-beds
The Geishas fine ink
Never pink
The best time to arrive
See her lucky red
((Geisha Flowery))
*        *        *        *
Happy go lucky
Not the back rub

The gift of gab
Time feast Rolex
her index finger
Webs of flower cut
Debs

Was the cover-up
The best of the last
defeat of her
She Petals faster
The  zipper-movie cut
Go zip
Irish spring shower

Boysenberry, Cherry, Power
Geisha dance flowery-trick
The vanilla-bean sky quick
The yogurt Greece fly
Her tablecloths
He finger
points cactus sharp points

The climate tells the
clues can you handle tricks
Crazzzzy_
glue
Softly silk skirt steak
Missed a few buds
((Geisha Flowery funds))
Tantalizing tiara pull
Off gave it  to the
flower girl china doll

The music
Black Magic
women
Her sheer blouse
loosely fit his fancy

Playing Santana
Sitting with her
tea tiger lily
Felt so lonely

The champagne
half-heartedly
The whole Monet
Chandon
shirts
of Gucci

She's perked me
up Pucci *******
coo
Danger me dandelions
The next recruit
black rose pin
pursuit hungry like
wolf
Duran Duran

The discovery of
custard flan
The Geisha flowery
New York State
Who snitched out
her spouse
Flowers divinity Godly lands

I gotcha
Right in the palm
of my hands

What Geromino said when he ran
into General Custard.

"Hey, who ordered the flan?"

It was a catered affair.

You are my life
I want you to be my wife
You are my sweet life
You will be my sweet wife

Your hand reserving me a spot
Is how it began
That's why I love you a lot
It was like a big bang
We felt love at first sight
On that sweet night

I got to know you beat by beat
Each time we talk about our plans
We have all the remedies
In our love so sweet like flan.

We in the attic blanketed with dust
Waiting stiffly until The Beaumont's leave,
Us portraits and mannequins stuck like rust
Wearing fluffy clothes the butler would weave.

They leave, we awaken and run downstairs
To see the table full of wine and mess
We gather around, the gramophone blares
The butler screams, that old Anderson Wes

He looked as though he never saw a feast
Ran stupidly shaking like a drunk man
'Til the portrait of Paul said to the beast,
"You're waking the neighbors, here have some flan!"

Eyes bulging, eyes fuming old Wes breaks down
His allergy got the very best of him
Rolling on the floor covered in a frown
We watched and listened his life on a limb.

"He ruined the party!" cried Ms. LeBoot,
We were in uproar, covered in white noise
But then stood Mr. Crowser in his suit
Headless, but strong with a booming tight voice.

He said, "We shall not let his death be vain,
As butler Wes would see this to the end
Now let us dine and let us feast through pain
And unveil this dust, with drink it will mend!"

Tarte Tatin Man,
He wears pears on his hands,
And he glistens like lamb,
He's Tarte Tatin Man.

Tarte Tatin Man,
He's originally from France,
And has a cousin who's a flan,
He's Tarte Tatin Man.

Tarte Tatin Man,
He wears a coat made of pans,
And bathes in butter, not jam,
He's Tarte Tatin Man.

Tarte Tatin Man,
I feel we finished this dance,
Till we meet again, perchance,
Goodbye Tarte Tatin Man.

Stop cleaning up around me
I cannot and I do not

I’ll sleep with her if you want me to
Me and fluid and machine
I’m not laughing aloud
Nina Nina Nina
Coming in but a lot of the same name
And madly

There’s a lot I can’t like
But I’ll have a better imagination window tomorrow
The ceiling flan blades tangle
And I am on a wave of symmetry
We are We are We are

Rebalancing Las Vegas
It’s a development from another evolutionist
And it’s currently alive
I’ll check back later to see if I
still love you

You visited the portable stage
How was the weather in Cancun?
Counterarguments with the same hundred girls

I noticed it anyway
I’m heading home with indebtedness
So therefore
You should at least punch me a call
I realized yesterday that
The public does not exist physically
It’s located within

Also we are photogrammetry
And strategically significant
As microbes
I’m talking in the studio
Mainly to become desensitized

Did you get that disability from extreme passion?
Or did you get that dispassion from extreme ability?
Thank you, Thank you
You’re stuck behind me now
This is another sentence and if you like anything in particular
You need me

This evening I think you actually got my hopes up
When you said everything was up and running
When I supposed what you ultimately wanted was
Everything

Did I have this “Everything” to give?

To hear you slurping everything from suspension
I think the craziest messages just talk

Whether it be just baked beans on toast
or topside of beef for a family roast.
The gravy dripping in the pan
Strawberries crammed in the flan
Or cockles and muscles at the coast.

Mushy peas in a big white dish
is more than I could ever wish.
slap on the mint sauce
and I'll have another course
followed by chips and fried fish.

Earlier this week I set in motion a plan,
To work my hours and find time to make flan,
On the weekend I'd make it my priority,
To sought out my administrative atrocity,

Two days, nay! A life time's worth,
Of time to finish this boorish work,
Of course boss, I have recreation still,
To coat the shed with eucalyptus fill,

No worries colleague It wouldn't harden,
My troubled schedule to tend your garden,
I will just polish my parents road,
With haste to lighten my cruel workload,

Deadlines are pushing me toward the abyss,
I've been sent to serve as a court's witness,
Out of time, out of mind,
I'm just fine, Last line.

for magnificence of spirit, holy grade arsenal of blueberry blossom fantasy folly, laughs at the most inappropriate moments, flan with coconut sprinkles and espresso, rip out my insides, and I'll reach out to you, my love, all we've been through.

the song wasn't meant for you but it turned to be yours anyway, a broken wheel on the freeway, some kind of trust or something beyond whatever people can do, letters, tiny, speckles, frightened under the bridge of a passing train, jumping over puddles, children again

or maybe it was, you insist, insist and I have learned from you that I don't seem to have a god ****** clue, and your light shines a whole light brighter than mine so I'll just have to clutch your hand and let you guide us through the underground, resume's and bits of talent, empty pizza boxes on a radioactive island, stranded

but something is ironic about the whole thing, and in your jacket you look look like a lost little penguin, and the absurdities add up and the question marks leave us with humor beyond anything I've known, question marks that bed and make love, little tid bits of apology that didn't make their way to the trial, now their standing there with feet chained to bits of radioactive metal, the apocalypse came before anyone could punish us, and now the jokes on them, or maybe its just on us, because we just can't seem to stop farting!

We are so intertwined
Hands and outer thoughts
About the time my sweet
caramel flan
Love caught up needing
a backup plan
Inner mind outer limit hell

Hands touched to be
the heart,
Liberty freedom bell
Inner hands whole world
Of wisdom inside the
wishing well
The Blessed Holy land

Inner heart kingdom
Teamship hands touch
Her outer lips beam
On the outside heart melts
At random
"Worldly Hands So Comic"
the fandom

Only had the right hands,
Prayer to God, he lands
he knows all your traits
Outlooks testing the
limits
Forget me not rise
of flowers  

My talent high digits New Year
Starlight holy rain showers
On the outside, he sees the
inside powers
The wrinkled hand artist
swirl
inner circle young ones
Outer tough skin old ones

Scraped knees the outside
Your fragile hands bend
Who sends love in
your head?
The outer lips inner mind
Takes the flight
the fullest moon instead

Will my inner hands meet
the life
I really want positively,
please come soon?

a very old poem i just found.*

3/1/2014

I’m going downtown
with my friend named after human faith
in two days.

I’m going to wear 6o dollar jeans and a white striped
T shirt.
I’m going to entertain the fact that I’m hearing
college boys on the rowing team

shout
Hey Ladies
and How Are You
and Girls!

At us on the street,
And we’ll smile and keep walking and if a particularly nice looking one
offers to sell us his sweater for 150 dollars or asks us for our numbers
we’ll stop and talk.

It’s the Friday tradition,
though it seems unhealthy.

We’ll sit drinking large coffees and flan cupcakes by the window side
have people tap on the glass,
and laugh and we’ll cross our legs and hold on to our phones and seem
like we have better things to do but we don’t.

This is how we spend our weekends, and it’s not particularly wicked
but it’s not virtuous.
Just harmless fun.

Maybe she’ll have one of her boyfriends come over and
oh ****,
his friend has the same name as-

Well what can I say? It’s a common American boy’s name. They’re the same age and the same eye colour and the same hair colour,
and I guess I’ll walk around the park to tell my other friends on monday

“the other day I walked around the park with-!”
I see myself calling him by his name and closing my eyes
“--, come here and --, how are you and --, what do you wanna do now?”
“you like the sound of my name or something?”

Where is the wit
That the average Brit
Is supposed to rely
On when times go awry?

Summon that grin
Or something akin
And gaily resolve Life's conundrum
When put upon
Remember that: Non
Illigit' carborundum.

I try to make
These lines to scan
I try to make them rhyme
But when I try
As best I can
These verses are no better than
Base poetic curdled flan
In short, iambic crime.

Fish
in a pond

in a room in the sky

pond is beginning to dry.


Squirrel in a
Tree
in a park

in a town that is old

after dark
the city is cold.


pond .
**** .
little
lights
in
her eyes
teach me to hum

darkest nights
coldest lungs
barely hearing
what is sung

i have become
wretched and numb

abhorrent to face
incredibly small, insignificant
unremembered
a discarded cassette

sometimes, i can laugh at it
how silly to be
powerless
and wrong
worse than *** sandwich, **** flan switch

"giggle"
<spoken in an empty room repeatedly
   <for forty two days
     <with no bathroom breaks and
       <no bathroom humor

words may pass so fast they become
bee *** and glass
                       breaks
a loving body falls fifty six stories to the ground
                              telling sixty two stories of how i met you
                              to seven closest companions
                                                          concretizing
every
little
metafloor

koi meets squirrel
head over hurl
floored.

floor 56 look out at the skyline isn't it beautiful? look at the lights!
not as beautiful as you dear.
oh stop.
no really, they make your eyes look all shiny. it's amazing.
well we're in the Center of the city after all.

I wouldn't Trade this for the World.


in the sea
there are
plenty
of fishes
and one
gasping
gilled
breath
not of the earth
but someday

to feel the hard ground underneath,
walk among
                     the bright lights                 and
                            cold stares                    of
                            calloused lovers
steps upon cold concrete
in tempo allegro
holding on
to a hum
from very good
one

the song about            
when you remembered
to come back for me
and i remembered
          how to breathe...

I am from the Bookcase,
from the Bookcase and the Stuffed Puppy.
I am from the white rocks on the ground,
and the dried dirt beneath those rocks.
I am from The Pomegranate Tree
whose Red fruit is both sweet and sour.
I am from the Aole Vera plant and Trampoline.
From Cordon and Beltran.
I am from tall men and little women,
from the know it alls, and the overwhelmers.
I am from my mothers Homemade food,
from her Choco flan, and Carne Asada Fries.
From the religious conversion of my great grandfather,
and from the crash where my grandfather was lost.
The beautiful sky my parents painted on my bedroom’s ceiling.
I am from the black sheep of the family,
Judged and shamed by others for being different.

of birth. Wiggle and twist
your way out of the hole. As narrow
an opening, your flesh is slick. Your
body lithe. This makes for being blithe.

Do the dance
of independence. Step across the
coals. Feel your feet burn. They’ll harden
your soles. But you’ll build resistance. And with
a little persistence you’ll be rolling like
a barrel, joyful as a Christmas carol.

Do the dance
of love. Waltz as a dove. As you
prance through each lively turn they’ll be
lessons that you’ll learn. Earn yourself
a tango as you trip the fandango.

Do the dance
of age. Glide down the spiral
staircase. Change your pitch as a sliding
trombone. Don’t you sit as a mossy
stone. You’ll get rusty as old tin can. So,
be open as a caramel flan.