I really never use the word hate
But boy do I hate when people ask me if I’m okay
Mainly because I can never gather the words
To tell them how I really feel. But if
You’re looking for my answer to that question
It goes a little something like this.
“No I’m not okay. I’m breaking into a million
Pieces right in front of everyone and no one notices.
I’m losing weight and it’s not from working out.
My thoughts are creating a hurricane in my brain
And I can not calm the storm.
My heart is a battlefield at war with my mind
And I’m afraid I’m losing this battle.”
But wait there’s more...
“My nose hurts from snorting to many lines of insecurity, my arms are weak from trying to pull myself out of all this self doubt and worry, my wrists are wounded from the cuts I allowed others to make.
My smile has been playing hide and seek for awhile now and I’m still searching for it... by the time I find it I may just be 6 feet under.. which doesn’t sound like
A bad idea... I’m tired. I want to sleep.
I think I’m going to take the rest of this pain medicine
Because this pain is to deep, the wounds won’t heal
And hell im tired of feeling. So I think I want to sleep.
Yeah. That’s what I want to do sleep and be at peace”  But instead I’ll smoke this blunt filled
With fake I love yous and it’ll be alrights, to numb the pain for a little while. Instead I’ll drink this whiskey until I’ve drowned out all this feeling. Instead I’ll just say goodnight and sleep to forget about being alive for a little while. But trust me “I’m okay”

I want to be the only desire you have
when you wake up in the middle of the night
sweating for pleasure;
where the tension is so strong
I stir in my sleep to ask you what is the matter
and you timidly answer that you had a nightmare,
even though it's a lie
and you're too shy to admit to your carnal need
and express that the real reason you're awake
is because your dream
nearly made you wet
and it disturbed you
because the person in your head at the time
wasn't me.

It all seemed so real,
until you woke up with my small frame beside you,
with my chest rising and falling slowly
and the growing pressure against your boxer briefs
was becoming too much
as you stared at my smooth skin.
I nearly frightened you when I asked of your well-being,
you didn't think that wishing I would wake
would work.
As you told me you had woken from terror,
I turned over drowsily
crawling over you
to embrace you with kisses
and 'everything will be alrights.'

When you started to shiver
from my affections
I knew that there were other reasons
we both had stirred like this
in the middle of the night.
Our passion became heated,
but I could smell the guilt on you.
Something was wrong,
something was the matter.
We continued though
until we both finished in each others' sweat
and had inhaled enough of one-another's carbon dioxide
to save thousands of trees.

Only then did you tell me
another had tasted who I wanted
so badly to keep
for my own
for the rest of my life.
Only then did you tell me
you did me wrong
in so many ways.
Only then did you tell me
that you no longer dreamed of me
and you abandoned me.
Just like everyone else.
Just like you promised...


That you never would.

walking home in the rain
with "i'm alrights" hanging over your head
sad sayings you tell even sadder souls
you meet on the bus
over yonder


they sit in the back.
eyes
trained on you
waiting for you to answer the question marks they carry on their heads
and the burdens they carry on their shoulders
and when they need something or want to talk
they look to you
for breif bits of carbon dioxide
trade offs.
they're
spitting tongues
moving like motors
you sit and listen to the hum as it lulls you to sleep
but you're still here right next to them and  
you are
exchanging laughter now
that is
muffled by padded rooms behind your teeth.

.
Settled in days of wine without rose
And forever nows we trudged along,
Making our way to the ordinary
Greeting of the always new.
For we always knew, our time
Together was but a means,
Of make believes and almost
Alrights, a travelogue to nos
In destinations of plain, we spoke
To each other as if then never was,
We drank coffee in meeting places,
Where grown ups frequent as they
Barter to themselves, in cursory
Smiles and similes unsaid, for they,
As us, knew that no future would arrive                                                
As we numbered to each in numbness
Searching for one breakaway day,
Seeking to blind ourselves looking
For what was already, maybe there.
How timeless is a child in fantasy?
What play dates we revel in,
With others we do not know?
This is a song we played, we played
At being joined, as if our lives
Depended on it.

Faint whispers in the day and dark.
Smiles fade into clever camouflage as the truth builds walls miles high.
Mirror tells lies, and truths I can't stand to observe.
Body rejects sustinace; swipe left, try again tomorrow.
Mind glossed in walls that reverberate, ever growing louder.
Skin crawls like a million earthworms worms dreaming of becoming butterflies.
Decaying in plain site, hidden behind a thousand "okays" and "alrights."
Verbatim honesty escapes my tounge.
Soul ever inching toward the light.

The darkenss which surrounds us is ridiculous.
I am not the best articulater, but with favor I can paint a picture with a thousand words to leave you froze in a pose that leaves me thinking these words are somin that you didn't know. Knowing that you pretended that you knew.

We were so close to find out what true love was all about. The thought of some one knowing your thoughts aught to have struck fear in you, but a million, "its alrights" will never right the wrong you made that day you turned around and gave my love away, it was all a game to play, and honestly it wasn't even a sad day because I was ready to fly away. You never intended to follow anyway

Peer pressure's not an issue, when ur consioussness
is your only influence to soar through life, like a bird in the sky, with no reason to ask why, the hell, is this my life?!
Time will tell without fail how you really felt. But I felt what you were looking for, someone to say its alright, tonight, together we'll take flight, and all the world, in all its might can't fight the love we're feeling. But u gave it up, to the guy that made you smile for a while cos he knew just what you were thinking, thinking no meaning, feening the temptation of being the sensation and meaning.

There's no more home for u to rest in.
Not I or ur one night, care for you at night.
We spread our wings and take flight.
With no regret, just a lesson learned, it became his turn.
A lonely girl without the capacity to love herself.
Never felt true love, only words that felt like a hug. Comforting but never enough,
contrary to what you want, hate is never entering my heart. I loved you from the start, I see you start to walk back, after the fact. I've already departed, its to bad you made your choice to depart before you felt your heart.

Settled in days of wine without rose
And forever nows we trudged along,
Making our way to the ordinary
Greeting of the always new.
For we always knew, our time
Together was but a means,
Of make believes and almost
Alrights, a travelogue to nos
In destinations of plain, we spoke
To each other as if then never was,
We drank coffee in meeting places,
Where grown ups frequent as they
Barter to themselves, in cursory
Smiles and similes unsaid, for they,
As us, knew that no future would arrive                                                
As we numbered to each in numbness
Searching for one breakaway day,
Seeking to blind ourselves looking
For what was already, maybe there.
How timeless is a child in fantasy?
What play dates we revel in,
With others we do not know?
This is a song we played, we played
At being joined, as if our lives
Depended on it.

Did I,
in many honesties live through a thousand sweat filled nights
whisper 'it will be alrights'
and wake to walk away?
Did I,
imagine differences where light meets truth and fades and did I dig with jewelled ***** a grave for 'yes boss' in the shade of a stunted bush?

Did I,
in hastiness,rush to fast ,to meet the last of summer?
if so,
What was it for?
this sojourn where we burn it,turn it then to men again as we must go and tell me,who will show me,
what was it for?

.
Settled in days of wine without rose
And forever nows we trudged along,
Making our way to the ordinary
Greeting of the always new.
For we always knew, our time
Together was but a means,
Of make believes and almost
Alrights, a travelogue to nos
In destinations of plain, we spoke
To each other as if then never was,
We drank coffee in meeting places,
Where grown ups frequent as they
Barter to themselves, in cursory
Smiles and similes unsaid, for they,
As us, knew that no future would arrive                                                
As we numbered to each in numbness
Searching for one breakaway day,
Seeking to blind ourselves looking
For what was already, maybe there.
How timeless is a child in fantasy?
What play dates we revel in,
With others we do not know?
This is a song we played, we played
At being joined, as if our lives
Depended on it.
.

At your peril my pen is ready, writer,

may we not fret ab out

od word odd needs a d ab
stract ob
tuse

we tangle our minds with our words but

control
the flow
pleasant or perilous it is all

in your mind
as it were

when pluperfects and the like ruled the roost,

nowadays, spellchicks are free, e-specials every day

po'man fine grammargrainstrain through

fishnets that never broke down and lied to prosper.

There was mental distress, but

nothing like LA traffica

with an alienated mind retaining alrights

privilege to access the global brain as being unem,
among 'em.

The whole world votes. Okeh.

Peace takes its chance,

at whose peril?
what price glory, warrior? who must you slay?

In those vibrant smiles
In those truthful lies
In those pretended alrights
In those quiet fights
I am there.
Inside those gloomy eyes
Inside that happy disguise
I am there.
But now
Now I can't do it anymore.
Coz there's only loneliness
Sorrow
And pain
Behind the mask of life.