I really never use the word hate
But boy do I hate when people ask me if I’m okay
Mainly because I can never gather the words
To tell them how I really feel. But if
You’re looking for my answer to that question
It goes a little something like this.
“No I’m not okay. I’m breaking into a million
Pieces right in front of everyone and no one notices.
I’m losing weight and it’s not from working out.
My thoughts are creating a hurricane in my brain
And I can not calm the storm.
My heart is a battlefield at war with my mind
And I’m afraid I’m losing this battle.”
But wait there’s more...
“My nose hurts from snorting to many lines of insecurity, my arms are weak from trying to pull myself out of all this self doubt and worry, my wrists are wounded from the cuts I allowed others to make.
My smile has been playing hide and seek for awhile now and I’m still searching for it... by the time I find it I may just be 6 feet under.. which doesn’t sound like
A bad idea... I’m tired. I want to sleep.
I think I’m going to take the rest of this pain medicine
Because this pain is to deep, the wounds won’t heal
And hell im tired of feeling. So I think I want to sleep.
Yeah. That’s what I want to do sleep and be at peace” But instead I’ll smoke this blunt filled
With fake I love yous and it’ll be alrights, to numb the pain for a little while. Instead I’ll drink this whiskey until I’ve drowned out all this feeling. Instead I’ll just say goodnight and sleep to forget about being alive for a little while. But trust me “I’m okay”
Yesterday I woke up easily.
And you’re probably wondering
Why it’s any harder on any other day.
Well any other day I feel as if my blankets
Are wrapped tightly around me giving
me the inability to move. Almost keeping me from breathing.
Except it’s not my blankets it is my lovely friend depression.
But yesterday I was able to see the sun a little brighter
And the clouds seemed to fade away
Keeping my eyes from raining
And my heart from causing a thunderstorm
And for the first time in a long time
My body felt warmth
My heart had unthawed
And in that moment
My soul was on fire.
My teacher once asked “ What’s your definition of anxiety?”
Everyone around me raised their hand and I
I... lowered my head.
I wanted to raise my hand but anxiety told me not to
It told me not to because the popular girl in the front of the class
Surrounded by all her friends
Might laugh at a loser like me
I’m not a loser but anxiety makes me feel like i lose
In any situation that I’m in
So that makes me.. a loser.
Anxiety is me struggling to fit in all the places
I know i’ll never fit in at.
It’s me putting on my skin tight jeans with my converse
Because that’s what all the other girls are wearing.
Anxiety is me crying at 3 in the morning because the kid
I like won’t talk to me, even though I’ve never spoke to him.
I’ve never spoke to him because every time I walk up to him
My anxiety throws a rope around me and pulls me back
Saying you are not good enough for him
And I start to wonder if I am even good enough for myself.
Anxiety makes me wonder if i’ll ever be capable of loving someone
Because I can’t love myself the way I need to be loved.
And that makes me scared to love.
I deleted this poem 5 times because my anxiety told me
No one would read it.
“Anxiety is like a toddler.
It never stops talking and it
Always tell you, you’re wrong.
And it wakes you up at 3 a.m”
That is my definition of anxiety.
Loving you from a far
Until I loved you up close
that was ugly.
I was under false pretenses
You've showed me
the fakest love
I'll ever know.
And I fell for it
And I'm still falling
Find yourself a love that
Makes waking up and smelling
The crisp morning air
Find a love that
Makes faking in love
A lot less painful
A love that makes you
Feel like you're in a fairytale
Instead of a nightmare
Love is supposed to be magical
Find yourself a love that
The makes the sun shine
Brighter on gloomy days
And one the doesn't make
The night seem so dark
Find that love
And keep it
For now a days
A love like that
I do not understand how people just chew you up and spit you out.
Half the time I don't understand what is coming out of your mouth.
I loved you and you loved me but i guess our time ran out.
You ran to her and I stayed still
Hoping that you'll come back even though you never will.
I've watched couples smile and be happy, thinking what did i do wrong?
But it wasn't me, it was you all along.
You came back but i told you no.
Then you told me you had no where to go.
I felt bad, but i didn't care.
Hoping i'd turn around and you wouldn't be there!
You said "what happened? you use to love me"
And I said "yeah USE too"
There had to be more than 200 people in the room. I stood on stage filming, and I couldn't help but notice her. I watched as she swayed back and forth to the music. I captured every moment of the way her body moved. I tried so hard to not just foucus on her. As the night went on I found myself filming her oer and over again. I longed for her energy and her presence. She inspired me. Her smile. The way her eyes lit up. I longed for it all. The worst part of it all? She was a mystery. I didn't know her name, her interests, nothing. Nothing but a beautiful soul captured in a lens. And that's all I'll ever know of her.