"Have you ever felt it?
The guilt that builds up seemingly overnight over a boy that’s so far back in your memories but somehow seems to resurface only two years later.

Have you felt his hands touching your face in your dreams, hearing his laugh, seeing his smile. Your unconscious mind making up all these scenarios and sweet sweet lies, you wake up drenched in sweat with memories clinging to your body you’ll never be able to scrub off.

It hurts, it hurts you until your skin is raw and you’re all scabbed up, but have nothing left to keep his eyes at bay. Maybe he’s bewitched you, maybe you hurt him so bad its karma kicking you in your ***. Maybe you’re thinking about him because he’s thinking about you. Maybe the universe is ****** at you for the way you left things.

I guess you’ll never know."

"I can’t help but fall to my knees at the thought of your memory, and cry until the liquor bottle is empty, the sky spinning, the trees falling, while the wind is swirling, and I’m slowly dying."

“The anguish inside of me is never ending. I am infected with this pain and heartache that’s been bestowed upon me. Anger is resilient in my heart, anger at myself, anger for letting this pain chip away my sanity. I’ve lost it, I lost it the day I lost you.

The loss of your love was earth shattering to the very core. It’s worse than death. You’re alive, and well, living on in this life with normality, while I sit here, with this pent up animalistic sorrow inside of me clawing away at my insides. I’m constantly fighting myself, figuring out ways to best myself.

Trying to drown out this type of monster is like emptying the whole ocean, unheard of, impossible. I tug and pull at this lifeline that somehow connects me to you. It’s a line that will never be broken, not even in death. Like an imprint on my very soul, my heart, bones my own flesh. It’s flooded my veins infecting my blood. I cannot reconnect with anyone ever again, and it pains me endlessly knowing that I will always have this sense of dread inside of me, this knowing how incomplete I really am.

You bask in this, if you ever knew it, like really knew, would you be saddened? No, you wish for me to feel this pain, to never move on from your blue eyes and dimples, you relish in this pain and it only causes me more unimaginable destruction.

Death waits for me, with his greedy hands covered in thick black tar. In the late of nights he comes and whispers sweet nothings into my ear, and each word gives my heart an endless amount of yearning. This headache, this reminder of you is what pins me down back to reality, it keeps me here.

I’m painted black, I’m stained by this angry devil inside of me. Death is so promising, so good, powerful. It’s cold very cold, but it gives me a distraction from your lost warmth. His tar covered hands cannot drag me to his lovely palace of nothing, no matter how much I beg, I’m simply too heavy. It seems my body rejects deaths poison each time. It’s my own undoing, the karma that will be with me until the end of time. The universe taunts my brokenness by sending your handsome face and beautiful words into my dreams, and when I refuse the beckoning of your blue eyes, the world sends me monsters and the repetition of your harsh words and cold darkened eyes, reminding me of who is really in control. You’ve won like no other has before. I congratulate you on your sour victory. I will bask in the sadness of you for eternities.”

"We fight the fear while we tumble and roll. So many memories that we must behold. See this body, see what to holds. Overpower the ones who have done us so wrong. See these tears? Its from your hands grazing the sledgehammer inside of my heart. I reach out to you, begging you to pull, but your eyes show that you hold non other than your old lover."

"My heart started beating again, the shattered pieces trying to meld together, instead they continued to cut into my lungs, leaving me breathless, fresh out of air. Choking and sobbing, denial was so ready at my fingertips, I could slip away into this unconsciousness so easily and pretend for another day, so I did, again and again."

”Infinite galaxies come running down my tear stained cheek.
I’m swept away in this pain.
Cherished memories washed away, always down the drain.
I envy the days where I felt so endless, even when I ached.”

"You suffocate me. while I stare at your belongings on the wall, I lay in this bed made of heartache. The silence is deafening while I think of you over,  and over again.

They claim I’ve been suffering from some type of sickness, they’re right, although it’s a whole other kind of sickness. A sickness created in the middle of the night, faster than the blink of an eye. A decaying body, infested with the words that you used to sing to me, I watch as the maggots crawl over me, filling the gaps within my useless heart.

The melancholy in this heavy fog of nostalgia that I feel is relentless, I try and scurry away like a mouse, but unfortunately I wasn’t fast enough, the trap you set for me has definitely broken my neck by now. I can’t say my death is peaceful, because I’m absolutely and completely suffering from you. They all want to know why I want to leave, why be so quick and careless, I can’t help but immediately think of you, these walls are drenched in memories of you, I can’t help but wish to paint over them like I have tried so many times before, but it is of no use, the fresh paint will dry as fast as these rolling tears upon my cheek, and soon chip away.
Slowly chipping away my sanity the way you chipped away my walls to let you in. I let you in, just for you to paint over my luminescent walls with black tar.

I’m forever stained now by your hands, breath, looks, even voice. It seems there is no escaping you, after all this time I still see you laying in my bed, driving around this ghost town, eating the same food I would. It hurts more and more. I don’t have a home anymore, for this place that should be a home is desolate, with only memories.

I’m not alive anymore, I’ve been dead for a long time, living is being in the present and moving on, I live in memories, memories of us. Forgetting the world when I was with you was as easy as breathing, and now all I can focus on now is the world, thinking all the time of how you and I were supposed to be in it together, instead we are separated by irrelevant words. I know you’re hurting too, but in a different way, you don’t sit and watch the clouds go by feeling the pain in the back of your throat when you’re holding back tears of pain. That is all I am now, in pain, suffering."

“She’s the queen of deceit, with her lies getting smarter. With every tale told she draws herself even farther. Finding out why she’s so emotionally bothered is unfathomable. She suddenly finds herself all alone with nobodies thoughts but her own, this is the time when she’d pick up the phone, demanding a savior to hear her bemoan. But what she doesn’t know is that a friend can’t atone for the lack of a man with his patience to loan to a lost little girl whose temper is known”

“You devour my senseless hope in the air as I gobble down the recklessness of the wind, for just a tinge of courage to straighten my wrecked spine.
Drown my worries with your reassuring tears, and dabble in the art of dyeing the truth with bright lively colors to hide the livid and the blackening of your heart.
See me down by the creek with cold feet and ghastly grey eyes. I'll forever abide by the whisper of my lovers alluring empty words and broken promises."

The dark expanses of love is the downfall of many ones lives.
Look down and see the lock, yet no key.
Do you see the hole carved into my chest?
Dark and forbidden, forever hidden from view.
Fever makes my blood run cold.
Clammy hands clasp onto your soul.
Saccadic and scarred, look me in my eyes tell me about the lack of love within you, and I’ll tell you about mine.

"Beautiful anger comes in fiery waves. Your venomous words wriggle their way out, to reach my racing heart. Empty and perfect i'm completely shattered and worthless.
I would’ve bled for you, but now as I sit and stare at your face I can’t help but wish to watch you curl up and die."

“Grocery store glances, and one right hand turn.
Run away from roaming eyes, ignore the faded t-shirt and broadened back.
Eyes of blue, eerie, distant and filled with dismay.
Dangerous and taunting, tormenting my insides, so I’m daring the fates and stealing a glance, all the while I’m losing a staring contest. I sigh, and try not to remember.
Heart hammering and breathing begins to become heavy.
Heart aches, and bones shake. Surrendering the thought of you, while sanding down my heart to refinish it to its normal state.
Steady breathing, and bare bodies, memories flash, heated glances and hurtful chanting.
Hating distances and grocery bags, I sag at the thought of you, and forget why I ever hated you.”

"Wake me, shake me, help me up from this dark hole i’ve wandered into.
Make me see sense in the fact that it's over, you’re gone.
Convince me this is wrong.
Promise me life has purpose even when you’ve been gone for so long.
Pray for me, tell god to give me a flashlight to take down this dark damp tunnel instead of damning myself while stumbling blind.
Push me up against a wall, kiss me and maybe then i'll come to my senses, because i’ve already lost my mind.
Look me in the eyes and tell the truth, tell me you don’t feel what I feel, even if it's a lie."

"They say you always hurt the ones you love the most, so I must’ve loved you infinitely."

"There will never be enough sentences, paragraphs, essays, or words to describe the real hurt and pain behind a breakup, behind a true love lost."

“She whispers through the seams of my pillow with her rasping voice like rewinded records. The anxious beads on my forehead remind me of the dread soon to follow, prayers slip through my teeth like water. With a clenched fist I fight fire with fire. Silken wings lift me beyond this savored reality. Into the depths of my mind we go, sealing our fate. Here I finally see all of your pent up lies, look me in my eyes, tell me one more time. Can’t you tell me all of your secrets? I’ll tell you all of mine. I’ll tell you how I can see the flicker of doubt behind your closed eye, how I can hear the hesitation in your rapidly beating heart. I can feel every decision you make, so when your direction changes I’ll see them before you can direct them from my mind. I’ve captured them all within dreams of mine. Please, just do not lie, I always know, for my raven shows”

"I tried. I tried to save you. I️ lived in this cage for you, stopped breathing for you, stopped believing for you. What must I do to show how much I would do for you, just to be with you, to love you."

“A liar stands amongst my white walls. Oh, how many thick coated wolves I’ve welcomed into my own little solitary world, but never once would the wolf turn against its brethren. Black sheep you are so weak, so meek, your importance to me wavers. Saving yourself, shielding, but suffering. I’ve sniffed you out. Sever your tongue, shave your lies, and tear at the seams. Take off your disguise, I have seen you so many times. The raven vists me in the darkest of nights, leaving a feather of doubt in the morning light. A messenger whom hasn’t visited in nearly a year, yet here she is, invading my unconsciousness. The raven keeps me fed, liar. The raven shows me your true face, a face turned from me, a face not so fierce, not so fearless anymore”

“So strong, so fierce, forever bright is the fire that lines my core. The burning and churning of my brain, will it end; never will come that day. Ignite my heart, set it aflame. Blood seeps from past mistakes, I feel no pain, so I ponder on the idea of going away. I scream at you, you’ll scream back, but I’ll scream louder leaving a crack. I’ll always be louder, pushing you farther and farther back. Take my reins, try and take control, I’ll forever reign in this ******* hole. Long live the past, a part of me that will forever last”

”Look to the heavens, see the angels soar. Feel the laughter reverberating off of the shore. Sheer happiness coats his tongue. Looking off into the distance, Lucifer hears a roar, a roar of laughter, seeing his father in such joy. A twang of jealously soon jabs him away. The taste of guilt so evident, clear as day. His fair maiden has been swept away, she has made such a chore, deceiving the Devil once more. Lucifer falls to Earths very core. They’re betrayal will forever be the beginning of the end. The greatest mistake our father will ever commit. He who will walk this floor, wrecking havoc on those who are so poor. See him mercilessly march through the flames, anger and temptation at his very touch. You’ll never escape the Devil, not after he’s done so much“

“Maybe we did love each other, maybe our timing was wrong again, maybe the stars weren’t aligned right, maybe love wasn’t in our favor. Maybe the doubt that resides inside of me is the answer to the ache behind my heart.”

"You know she haunts my mind all day and yet you still keep her here."

"Slam my head against the wall, pretend all you want.  My body protests your want. A pounding headache filled with no’s and stops’s.
My love has evaporated and I wish with all of my heart that it would fill the void between us, but when I lay next to you, all I feel is emptiness."

“Remember me as I once was. As I was with you. Remember my laughter and uncontained excitement for the coming winter, finally to see snow for the first time. Remember me telling you how your callouses and rosy cheeks just made you more perfect for me. Remember me as the girl who embraced you from behind, someone who stole your breath away with just a couple of kisses. The girl who showed you what intimacy could be like. Remember the feel of my skin brushing lightly against yours, the heat and excitement rushing through one another, having to stop and catch our breaths. Remember the way my ribs felt underneath your hands, slowly, and nervously moving, but never going too far. Remember me as the girl who ran into the sunset racing to reach an invisible finish line. Remember the kicking pine cones all the way to your front door. Remember the endless hand holding, movie watching, laughter, games played and happiness we gave one another. Remember the winding backroads taken, the beautiful views you showed me for the first time. Remember you showing me around your small town, driving to the gas station and playing our favorite songs and singing off tune on our way back.

Don’t remember me as the girl who broke your heart twice. Each time a whisper of cold wind against your cheek as a goodbye. Don’t think about how we barely made it to May, how we never got to see that snow. Don’t remember the ignored messages, the silence that I let fill the space between us days on end. Don’t remember me as the girl who stumbled into different men’s lives only months later, confused as ever. Don’t remember the Sundays I didn’t show up. Don’t you dare dwell on the words that should’ve been said. Don’t remember me as the one who promised you forever only to start a family with someone completely different. Because I never wanted to hurt you no matter what it seemed. Just please, try and remember us laughing excitingly with one another in the sun talking about our future together and aspirations.”

"Unspoken memories start to gain a little dust.
Dreams have turned into disasters.
Our love has a bit of rust.
WD-40  wont fix our little big mess.
Our hinges are sealed, done and laid to rest.”

I was struggling to curl into sleeps somber embrace, I couldn’t accept his warm and gentle touch. You had aided me in times of restlessness, whispering words that had me lulling into that blissful darkness. I’ve found myself yearning for it as days pass, as the connection between us goes silent yet again, so I’m awake pondering over the endless ideas of you and I, some evenings I’ll even try to whisper the same sweet nothings to myself to see if it’ll help, but it only get me thinking of you a little bit more. Some evenings I paint over the purple bags under my eyes, trying to pretend that everything is ok, but it fades away throughout the day, along with that tenuous hope. So I go on, unnoticed and exhausted.
You keep me up well through the break of dawn, just as the sun begins to peek over the horizon, I can’t help but feel my heart break get just a little bit worse with each sunrise.

“Remember our cigarettes & the oil rigs. City lights, and drunken nights.
Remember the scabbed lips and 1:00am road trips. Races and white long sleeves.  Christmas Eve burn outs, empty parking lot makouts. Piggy back rides, and best friends forever. Remember the kissing and love making. Shirtless & in love, punches in the face, followed with forgiveness. Unfairness and regret. How I see you and seem not to forget.“

"I've stopped drinking the sweet poison that foams at your mouth, but your toxins have left me all dried out."

"Tailgate gazing, feet hanging.
One glance and you’ve got my heartbeat hammering.
I’ve been hungover on the thought of you.
Dazed, and missing you.
I’m being consumed."

“I’m not hungry, I’m not full. I’ve starved myself of you for so long, I dont want to even begin to imagine what you taste like.”

"I cannot afford to miss you anymore, to soak in my tears any longer, my body pruned, and wet. I hoped to drown. Which I did, In the memories of you. It seems as if I suffer more and more as time passes. Watching as the sky turns gold to grey in what seems as a matter of seconds, I’m too lost to count the numbers on the clock.

I can almost start to say “its been years” I think that’s what pains me the most, to watch as the seasons change, to see this world without you by my side, to lose my balance and fall, because you're too far to catch me.

You’ve been in the corner of my eye daily, fleeting glances of your back as you walk on by puts weight onto my chest. I slow my tired bones in hope to catch the look on your face, then other days I’m practically sprinting when I see your feet under the crack of a door. It hurts so much that when I begin to start thinking about it I begin to get a headache. I’m then frantically thinking of all the memories of us, all the words, all the touches, everything.

My brain is constantly tired from discarding newer memories just to remember what we ate one year, three months, two days, and sixteen seconds ago, together.

I let it hurt, I think thats what I’m afraid of most; forgetting you, I almost did and realized it was chaos. I ached terribly at first, but it had yet to reach my body physically, now I shake, my heart beats frantically looking for a way out, if only it could leap out of my chest, just to get away from you, it clenches tightly when you’re mentioned because the very essence of your stupid name tears it apart all over again."

"I wish I could explain this feeling caged up inside of me, uprooting everything I know.
I feel it move from my chest creating a spiraling chaos throughout causing such a mess.
Set fire to my soul, burn this relentless beast inside of me, please.
My heart is beating rapidly, barely being able to withstand anymore of this perpetual barbaric pain.
Battered, and beaten I give in, finally my heart has betrayed me one last time."

“I see the orbs in the dark of night, they float, grow, and glow causing such a fright. A fear so menacing, a fear so bright. Do not scurry away into the night. The orbs so rare, so real, what an awful dread. Before you know it, you’ll be dead. They’ll catch you, trip you, pull you away, they’ll make you fall simply far far away. There’s no escaping something so tall, don’t turn from the inevitable crying, instead welcome it smiling”