If I told you how I feel,
Would you want to stay?
Would you hold me tight?
Or would you walk away?
You mean so much to me,
But I worry you don’t see it,
Even if you did though,
Loneliness is all I’d get,
I can’t imagine someone like you,
Being with someone like me,
Although it’s everything I want,
It’s truly hard to see,
I feel I’m in the background,
Of your amazing mind,
Something always there,
But impossible to find,
How I wish that you could see me,
And how I feel for you,
How I want to make you happy,
And all the things I’d do,
But you are blind to me,
For I’m in the background still,
And in my heart I’m sure,
That I always will.

Mother, look at me,
Look me in my eyes,
And when I look back,
Know that my hope dies,
From the moment I was born,
I was never good enough,
And living with that knowledge,
Has made my life so tough,
My failures were always amplified,
It was the only time you cared,
It’s because of this while growing up,
That I was always scared,
I was scared to talk to anyone,
I was scared of what they’d think,
And my self-hatred piled up so high,
Until I finally reached my brink,
Why did you make me feel like a failure,
For so many years?
Why did you make your own son,
Shed so many tears?
Now that I’m grown,
I’ve learned not to care,
And I can certainly say,
My mind’s better without you there,
I know you still disapprove,
But it no longer bothers me,
I’ve finally found my own path,
And I’m who I want to be.

I can’t get out of bed,
Yet I can never sleep,
I’m always feeling sad,
Yet I can never weep,
This defines depression,
It’s like living in a hurricane,
Always feeling numb and weightless,
Yet always in so much pain,
Some days it’s so unbearable,
That I don’t want to live,
Others it’s hardly there,
And not one sign it gives,
It’s almost like a cloud,
That follows me around,
Sometimes it doesn’t rain,
Sometimes I almost drown,
Whenever I am drowning,
Darkness is all I see,
And I think that the world,
Would be better without me,
Better without me being around,
And being in a better place,
Hoping no one remembers me,
So I don’t leave a single trace.

The most wonderful time of the year,
The holidays are here,
But wonderful for who?
For I have no cheer,
I always hear people say,
How they love Christmas Day,
But I do not belong,
So this day brings dismay,
For on this day I always feel blue,
And I always wish for something new,
For all I ever truly want,
Is just one person to come home to,
Others celebrate on this day with cheers,
But there are no such celebrations here,
For all I ever have on Christmas,
Are two blue eyes that are filled with tears.

This life that I am living,
I can’t take it anymore,
It’s to the point where even breathing,
Is too much of a chore,
The sadness overwhelms me,
When I’m laying in my bed,
And the only cure for it,
Is a bullet to my head,
People say that change will come,
But all I hear is lies,
Whats the point anyway,
When in the end everyone dies?
If I were to die now,
I’d be freed from my sadness,
So why should I go on,
When doing so feels like madness?

When I’m with others,
They leave me alone,
The thoughts that haunt me,
When I’m on my own,
“You’re gonna die alone,”
“Everyone hates you,”
“You’ll never be good enough,
No matter what you do,”
These thoughts among many,
Keep me up all night,
Because coping with them,
Is a constant fight.

Breath starts to shorten,
And my body goes numb,
As I lie awake in bed,
Waiting for death to come,
What was supposed to heal,
I am now using to ****,
And I won’t ever stop using,
Until my heart is completely still.

Why do I plan for the future,
When I won’t I’ve past twenty-one?
Why do I still bother trying,
When I just want life to be done?
They all say I’ll do great things,
Even though I can’t get out of bed,
So what’s the point in waking up,
When I feel I’d be better off dead?
Loneliness consumes my heart,
And sorrow consumes my soul,
So how can they see anything in me,
When my future’s as dark as coal?
They all say that they’d miss me,
But I know that they’ll be fine,
No one could ever miss,
A life as worthless as mine.

Eyes like an angel,
Smile like a goddess,
The most beautiful girl in the world,
But I must be honest,
I don’t stand a chance with her,
Not the slightest chance,
So why do I still let her,
Put me in a trance?
She’s gorgeous, she’s smart,
And she’s funny too,
Yet thinking of her,
Makes me feel blue,
But my mind still wanders,
Always back to her,
But I know in my heart,
She deserves much better.

She doesn’t know I’m here,
She doesn’t know of my existence,
I’m never seen with her,
Yet she’s inside my heart with persistence,
Her beauty, it torments me,
She is everything that I want and more,
But she is still blind to me,
Yet still her vision makes my heart soar,
I wish for this love to end,
Because seeing her fills my heart with pain,
Wanting this all to end,
Wiping my tears that fall like rain,
Now I’m standing atop this ledge,
Wondering if she’d know if I fall,
But I doubt that she ever would,
Because she doesn’t see me at all.

How can I see a bright side,
When I’m stuck inside my dark mind?
They say that life is beautiful,
But to me they’re all just color-blind,
I used to see it,
Used to see it all the time,
But time changes,
And time left me behind,
Ruminating on my past,
And how I thought it would last,
I relive it now and then,
Wishing I could go back,
But I can’t ever go back,
I’m stuck in the now,
That’s why when they say it,
I ask them how,
How can I cheer up,
When my life is so bleak?
When I feel like I’d be better,
With a bullet in my cheek?
It hasn’t gotten better,
So why should I try,
When the only thing I do,
Is lay in bed and cry?

I shut them out,
I let them go,
The people who care,
More than I know,
Why do I do this,
When they just want to help?
Am I a horrible person?
Or is it fate to be by myself?
I don’t mean to hurt them,
When I finally do go,
I’d rather take their pain,
And let my blood flow.

Rotting skin,
Rotting flesh,
Rotting eyes,
Scent of death,
Rotting face,
Rotting bones,
Unknown corpse,
Blank tombstone,
Time forgets,
Life moves on,
Forgetting those,
Who are now gone.

Blood on the floor,
Knife driven in,
Feel the cold metal,
Piercing through my skin,
You watch me suffer,
You spit in my face,
‘Til I can no longer feel,
Life’s sweet embrace,
Redrum in your eyes,
Red blood on the floor,
It seems that for me,
Life has shut it’s door.

A stream of blood,
Flows down my arm,
A dull knife blade,
With which I have done harm,
The red river flows,
Down to the Red Sea,
Red covers the floor,
And now surrounds me,
I continue to cut,
‘Til it’s all drained out,
So the voices in my head,
Can no longer shout.

An angel was born,
On this very day,
But before his time,
He was taken away,
With his beautiful voice,
He would always serenade,
Crawling, Heavy,
Final Masquerade,
These among many,
Were anthems that he sang,
For which he is remembered,
And which he sings in heaven again.

Used to talk of a future with you,
And all of the things we said we’d do,
But this future is in the past,
Because our happiness did not last,
Gone are the days of waking up with you,
Instead I wake up without the smile I knew,
Now I spend each day miserable and alone,
And with each passing day, my sorrow has grown,
I wish I could go back, but I know I can’t because,
I went and threw away the world that never was.

No Matter What
I Will Not
Take My Life

Rope in my hand, tying a slipknot,
Because nothing left is everything I’ve got,
I don’t want to live in this world anymore,
Because I’ve already lost everything I adore,
I wear it around my neck, so that it is on display,
It’s a symbol of depression, my sadness, my dismay,
I step up on this chair and hang the knot from the ceiling,
Kick the chair and fall until I’m numb of all feeling.

I’ve become completely numb,
I can’t feel this pain,
From slitting my wrist,
And letting blood drain,
It drips from my arm,
And turns white carpet red,
I think about her,
And my tears they do shed,
I lie here by myself,
In this puddle of tears and blood,
And it won’t be too long,
Before I drown in the flood.

When love is gone it brings such dread,
A dread that makes you wish you were dead,
You lie awake in bed filled with agony,
Knowing that both of your hearts were casualties,
You love each other, but don’t speak again,
And ask yourselves the question of when,
When will I forget the one I love?
And when will I be able to rise above?
Above this sadness that blackens my heart,
A heart which is now completely torn apart,
But alas you can never get past it,
So you lie in the dark with your heart split.

My snow-covered grave,
Cold as the frozen ground,
Here I lie in my casket,
In which peace I have found,
I dug this grave myself,
I dug it six feet deep,
So that I could lie in it,
And forever sleep,
In life the sun never shined,
There was only snow and rain,
But now I’m gone and buried,
Where the cold numbs my pain.

Walking through the cemetery, fog in the air,
I remember how it felt when you gave me that stare,
Every time you looked up into my eyes,
I couldn’t help but feel simply mesmerized,
Every time we touched, time stood still,
And when we’d kiss, I’d feel a chill,
I miss those moments that were filled with laughter,
And I wish we could’ve had them forever and after,
But those moments are gone , and we aren’t even talking,
Because I took them away, and you’re the one who’s walking.

My heart is broken,
And my chest is ripped open,
Others celebrate love on this day,
But I just lie here in my dismay,
Sitting in this room staring at the ceiling,
No one to hold, no ******* feeling,
Wishing for someone who I can call my own,
Someone to numb this pain from being alone.

I’ve had many bad times throughout my life,
I know what it’s like to feel the dull blade of the knife,
Used to slit my wrist to try to numb the pain,
Used to beg for death as tears fell like rain,
I’ve stood on the edge, the edge of it all,
When all it took was one last fall,
I used to run from darkness just to get by,
Hoping one day I’d finally see a blue sky,
All these bad times brought me up to death’s door,
Simply because I couldn’t take anymore,
I tried to open it, but I had lost the key,
Looking back I’m glad, ‘cause these bad times molded me,
If I had walked through that door, surely pain would win,
But it’s time for pain to end and for hope to begin.

There’s an emptiness tonight,
Were there signs that’s I ignored?
I keep reaching for the light,
But it doesnworld is fast asleep tonight,
These things I keep just being me down,
They say it’s gonna be alright,
But can’t begin to tell me how,
And I ask myself out loud,
Was I looking for one more light,
That’s since drifted into the night.

Lying in a bed,
But it's not my own,
All I can think about,
Is wanting to go home,
But it's come too far,
It's beyond repair,
And so I tell them,
'Please end my despair,'
I close my eyes,
They pull the plug,
It seems my grave,
Has just been dug,
Away I drift,
Away I fade,
And now to rest,
I can be laid.

She's the only one I want,
But she can't see me,
I tell her how I feel,
But she can't hear me,
I know she means no wrong,
But heavy is my heart,
Knowing that through time,
We'll forever be apart,
I try to move on,
But she's the only one I see,
I only wish that one day,
With her I could be,
I'd give her all my love,
'Cause she means the world to me,
But to her I'm invisible,
And that's all I'll ever be.

I don't wanna feel anything anymore,
All I want is to be numb,
I lie awake in bed at night,
Hoping that death will come,
Already held on for so long,
To a sliver of hope,
But I've run out of ways,
To help myself cope,
The pain is too strong,
I push out my last breath,
It's finally here,
The one they call death.

Laying down, I open my eyes,
Looking up to clear black skies,
Something is wrong, I'm short of breath,
Is this what it's like to experience death?
I try to move, but I'm stuck,
I scream for help, but have no luck,
Away my flesh begins to rot,
And those who cared have since forgot,
It seems that now I am truly gone,
But truth is, I've been here all along.

I want someone who I can call my home,
I want a woman who is all my own,
Someone who I can find happiness in,
So that even if I lose, I always win,
I'd give her my heart and all my love,
And when we kiss, I'd be in heaven above,
But is the one out there for me?
Or is by myself the way it's meant to be?

I haven't been truly happy since 2014,
But 2017 is the year it all went wrong,
Started out in summer,
On vacation in New Orleans,
Woke up to find that someone I admired,
Someone I looked up to had killed himself,
Ever since then,
I've felt numb,
Back at college with some of my friends,
At least that's what I thought then,
Treated me like a ******* servant or slave,
Haven't spoken to any of them since,
The end of the year,
The final nail in this cold dark coffin,
Can't remember when I was last happy,
Ended a relationship with someone I had loved,
Maybe it's because I wasn't happy anymore,
Or maybe I was afraid,
Afraid of her waking up and not finding me,
But a suicide note instead,
Now it's a new year,
I tell myself it won't be as bad,
And so far I've been right,
But last year,
Everything bad,
Happened over halfway through...

Alone at night,
Door is shut,
Giving myself,
These ****** cuts,
I wake up,
Blinds are shut,
Turn on the light,
Red dry cuts,
Cover them up,
Mask my pain,
Even though,
Tears fall like rain,
At nightfall,
I still have scars,
New cuts cover,
Where old ones are.

I climbed all the way to the top,
Just wanting the pain to stop,
Jump so that you snap your neck,
And your life will no longer be a wreck,
Looking down as lights go by,
Only having motivation to die,
Just one step and you'll be free,
Leaving behind only debris,
A bottle of pills in my hand,
Life is not what I had planned,
Swallow them to stop your heart,
So that the end can finally start.

If demons are real, then where do they stay?
...
They stay inside our ******* heads,
They make us wish we were ******* dead,
They have no mercy and no remorse,
They have no purpose except for pain to force,
Always screaming at the ones they host,
Always haunting them as if they're ghosts,
These demons inside can't be exorcised,
They always keep their hosts mesmerized,
They stay with you as long as you live,
They take and take until you have no more to give,
You want their screams to all be gone,
But the pain they cause has only begun,
They take away your very humanity,
Until you aren't even left with your sanity,
Into a dark hole you begin to descend,
Knowing the madness will never end.

Why do I wish I'd die if life is supposedly so great?
How can I love myself if all I ever feel is hate?
How can I keep my sanity when the screams are so loud?
Why do I always feel ashamed, even when I should be proud?
In this world, do I serve any sort of purpose?
Or is my existence entirely worthless?
These are the questions to which I want the answers,
Before I am consumed by my self-hatred cancers.

Woke up one morning to find that you were gone,
It seems that you had lost a battle that could never be won,
Even though you are gone I still hear you every day,
But through the songs you sang is the only way,
I miss you every day because I keep you in my memory,
Now you sing in heaven with the angels, in harmony,
Even if you are now gone and onto a new quest,
I promise to keep you in my memory and leave out all the rest.

I can never seem to get rid of this pain,
I'm always drowning in all this rain,
People all tell me I'm just in a rut,
But it's always dark outside and the blinds are always shut,
Tears trickle down my face as blood flows down my wrist,
Oh what I wouldn't give for the reaper's sweet kiss,
That sweet kiss of death that I long for so much,
Yet life somehow manages to maintain its clutch,
So I push on, hoping from this pain I'll be set loose,
But as each day goes by, I get closer to the noose.