go to God
and be with Him
it always will
make Satan grim
for that is what
submitting looks like
giving Satan
no chance to strike
he is resisted when
you and God converse
one on one
in His presence immersed

Despite myself I find myself,
Thinking about you again,
You don’t make sense to me,
But the rhythm of your thoughts are predictable now,
Someday will never come,
And my dear,
Someday we'll be together again,
Perhaps I say that just to leave you happy,
To leave you in power,
Because I can sustain most damage,
Or at least I've yet to meet my maker,
And maybe then I can play the victim,
And maybe then that means I think you are fragile,
And maybe then I'm a cowered,
And maybe then I’m a sexist,
But I can’t control why or what,
With you
With you,
Never again.

All the thoughts that collect in my mind right now lead to biting... TMI

A phrase sewn into the very fabric of my thoughts and words,
Let's be weird for a second so that I can feel normal,
Its been awhile,
We all know the feeling,
There is a selfish stench that covers the true sincerity of being on the end of a babbling mouth,
Word ***** so I've heard.
A price for the anxiety driven conversation,
That, one, I? you?
Just want to end by revealing that too much has been shared and all of Hell will open to devour the chosen who failed to keep the mouth shut,
Speak it anyways,
Just yesterday I thought about *******, indeed I did,
How little, how much, how long,
It's not hard to know this moment,
Where a sensation overcomes experience,
The slip,
What a beautiful snipit of what matters,
Taken away,
Becomes some sort of "okay,"
Unless controversy over ego and ego draws a tarnished line of how much I and you know,
I really can only focus on one subject within this,
Uh,
It took me like 8 times to even begin this one poem,
I kept getting distracted, love, children, being a teacher,
Following tangents of conversations and panicked assumptions, those normal thoughts that see the warning signs of danger,
Light up a cigar and say "**** it,"
Charging full speed into the unknown,
All of that kept me from drawing a conclusion to why I really wanted to tell anyone that I like biting.

dear you,

how are you? i hope things are doing great for you now. these past few weeks have been a mess i thought i could handle on my own.

i’m doing okay. i’m going out with my friends, been talking more often with my family — like you said i should, and i’m learning about myself more and more each day.

i’ve been trying to move on from you, you know? it’s really hard. probably because everything was still fresh. so far, everyday, i think about you, what you did, what we did, how it started and how it ended.

i’ve been asking myself lately, could i have saved what we had left? was i just an escape? i have so many questions now that you’re gone and i have no means to talk to you.

i’m confused, really. i still want you but every time i remember the good times we had, i remember the pain too. don’t worry though, i have already forgiven you. it’s just a matter of time before i finally forgive myself — for blaming myself with what had happened.

i’ve been watching a lot of shows lately. i avoid the sad ones, but whenever a scene comes where one inevitably cries, i cry too and then all of a sudden, the longing comes back and then i get sad again.

it’s been a tough week for me. but i know i’m going to pull through this. i keep saying that i won’t wait for you but i guess that’s just my brain talking trying to cancel out what my heart wants.

i know we’re better of this way. i know this isn’t a fairytale where suddenly, after i have cried for a long time, the tears will form a wave strong enough to send you back to me.

i know i’m better on my own. i really do. but i miss being with you more.

i do hope i get to move on from you. maybe it’ll take a year? or even more? but i know soon enough i will.

i just hope that when you do come back, you don’t find me anymore. that you already have someone you call your own. that you’ll realize the love we had was superficial or perhaps temporary.

because if you do find me, no matter how much i’ve moved on from this, i’ll probably go back to your arms and cry because i really missed you.

i still regret giving my heart to you. i regret ever falling in love with your eyes, your smile, your hands. i regret ever opening up because i really thought we could have the love we’ve always wanted ever since.

i guess i’ll be alone for awhile. i guess i’ll love another person and know more about love. i guess i’ll just slowly bring myself up and be happy on my own.

i wish you’d come back. i wish love will still be there to bring us back together.

but for now, i wish love would find another means to make me happy without you.

i hope to see you soon. because i know by then, we’ll both have a lot of things to talk about. a lot of stories to tell, jokes to laugh at and other stuff.

i wish you well.

you knew i liked you
but we had become so close as friends
that when you asked me out i hesitated
i didn’t want to ruin everything.
not again.

we went out anyways.
i kept my distance,
but ended up regretting it -
i was into you and
that was that.

i fought my nerves and
confronted you about my feelings.
you didn’t want a relationship,
you were leaving soon and
couldn’t commit

but you liked me too
and didn’t want to do nothing about it.
friends with benefits
you suggested.
that didn’t seem like me
but maybe it was exactly what i needed
i agreed
under the conditions that
nothing hurt our friendship

we went out again.
you didn’t know if we should,
you thought it didn’t seem like me
i agreed
i’m sentimental
why do i have to be so sentimental

later you said you wanted to kiss me
and i really wanted to kiss you too
so we did.
it felt passionate and intimate
i felt closer to you.
a couple weeks went by
no talk about it.

i confronted you again.
i couldn’t give myself
to someone i’m not dating
you wanted more than kissing
or you wanted nothing at all
you didn’t want me to regret anything
that i did with you
i wasn’t sure what i wanted.

i said we should
test the waters
so i said you could touch me
i felt i needed to experience new levels of
physical intimacy
with someone i trusted.
that someone was you.

until you grew impatient of
my virginity
you cut off our deal
insisting it had nothing to do with me
that’s my problem
you said.
i said it’s fine, our friendship is most important.
it is most important.
i could never risk losing you that way

something still twisted inside my gut
at what you said
i thought you wanted to be intimate with me
because you liked me for me
no
you just wanted somebody -
some body-
to give you that easy lay.

but i wouldn’t give myself up that easily
you couldn’t handle it
you were done with me
i felt like i was less than a person to you
a person i had trusted with
everything i am.

She and me
Kick our legs over the cliff
Watching the water pound in steep
Crests of mist,
Awash the quaking stone.

Drinking through the daze
Withering and coastal
Happy with every day
that drips
And growing older
Sedimentary
Seeking the simple deaths of life.

And when we sang our songs to the flocks of gulls
And they called saline
Eating fishbones
Circling like biplanes
Above the coast
We wondered what wandrous
Raptors out ran the oilpan
And instead became this.

We eat our picnic meats
And settle down for a long daydream
Staring at the overcast blanket
Seeing streaks of Grey dispersed between
Feeling
Warm and a little bit loved by the sea.

Me and she
There was no stopping
Her questions, flying hot lead at my
Brain
Dripping gall juice inside the spleen
Infected and hungry
Waiting to engorge our final meal
A bunch of microscopes in the petri
Dished out and left to drift
Amongst the lapping waves.

Assuredly,
When those gulls flapped their lazy way
Heading down the coast
Searching for simple meals
And calling family in the sky
They wondered to god
about solitary
You and I
And just what was our deal?

On that day which caused my voice to disappear,
All those around me rejoiced and had a feast, celebrating this moment
The words I say brought people tremor, fear or just pure hatred,
Everyone hated them the moment I moved my lips to convey along side them in hope to find someone who could become even a friend.
I was of course wrong all along, deserted for the reason that they found what I said in some sense weird or obscure, maybe irrational,
Was it my means or my purpose that scared them away ?
My looks or my style of conveying to appear more likable to them ?
In the end it didn't even matter for a second, as their false smiles carried the message of their fake friendship and intentions.
Maybe now that I won't have to converse with sound any further, those words of mine might reach someones heart and touch it instead,
But that is simply a distant dream, because everyone hates the words I say, perhaps it is meaningless to seek meaning in my useless self,
All I can do now is to heave in sobs,
Left behind, I can no longer even cry,

~ Umi