i am loud
yes, i am very loud
i have been told by many people
to shut up
to stop talking
to quit being so. ****. loud.
it's who i am
i've always been loud.
maybe it's because i was the youngest child
and it was difficult for my voice to be heard if i didn't raise it,
or maybe because in a group of friends
my story was never listened to,
instead it was talked over
so maybe i'm loud
but i'd rather be loud
than never be heard

a room full of men
making laws for women’s bodies
making the first choice for them

when will a woman’s choice
actually become
a woman’s choice?

why should men first decide
whether we get the choice at all?

just love me
with every bone in your body
and every piece of your soul,
with every beat of your heart
and that will be enough

i have let those i loved
convince me i am nothing.
instead of giving up love
i continue to do so wholeheartedly,
as long as i never forget
to love myself

children play with lots of toys
that help them find their passion -
or what isn’t their passion -
a little girl may dress up dolls
and find a love of fashion design
or a little boy may play with cars
and dream about driving nascar.

alternatively
a little girl may play a game of operation
and decide she never wants to be a doctor
or a little boy may play on a sports team
and realize he never wants to be an athlete.

me? i’m not the little girl
finding her dreams or dislikes.
i’m the one being used by boys
to find what they don’t like in a girl.
i’m not a person to them, i’m a toy.
they use what they like,
critique my flaws,
and return me saying
i’m just not what they really wanted.
no concern for my emotions,
only worried about using me
until i’ve served my purpose
of helping them find
what they don’t want in a girl

the freckles on my skin
are constellations
waiting to be explored

you knew i liked you
but we had become so close as friends
that when you asked me out i hesitated
i didn’t want to ruin everything.
not again.

we went out anyways.
i kept my distance,
but ended up regretting it -
i was into you and
that was that.

i fought my nerves and
confronted you about my feelings.
you didn’t want a relationship,
you were leaving soon and
couldn’t commit

but you liked me too
and didn’t want to do nothing about it.
friends with benefits
you suggested.
that didn’t seem like me
but maybe it was exactly what i needed
i agreed
under the conditions that
nothing hurt our friendship

we went out again.
you didn’t know if we should,
you thought it didn’t seem like me
i agreed
i’m sentimental
why do i have to be so sentimental

later you said you wanted to kiss me
and i really wanted to kiss you too
so we did.
it felt passionate and intimate
i felt closer to you.
a couple weeks went by
no talk about it.

i confronted you again.
i couldn’t give myself
to someone i’m not dating
you wanted more than kissing
or you wanted nothing at all
you didn’t want me to regret anything
that i did with you
i wasn’t sure what i wanted.

i said we should
test the waters
so i said you could touch me
i felt i needed to experience new levels of
physical intimacy
with someone i trusted.
that someone was you.

until you grew impatient of
my virginity
you cut off our deal
insisting it had nothing to do with me
that’s my problem
you said.
i said it’s fine, our friendship is most important.
it is most important.
i could never risk losing you that way

something still twisted inside my gut
at what you said
i thought you wanted to be intimate with me
because you liked me for me
no
you just wanted somebody -
some body-
to give you that easy lay.

but i wouldn’t give myself up that easily
you couldn’t handle it
you were done with me
i felt like i was less than a person to you
a person i had trusted with
everything i am.