i am
considering
buying tickets
to a lecture
on the cosmos
though my thoughts
have often
dwelt
amongst the celestials
in one form
   or another
i know little
beyond
what was learnt
at school;
cursory details
when the vastness
of the universe
is considered

there is a desire
to understand
   from where we came
   of what made us
   how we came to be
and
   our chances
      for a future
there is
a radiance
and pageantry
to the stars;
an expanse
that should incite
inspiration
   and wonder
instead
this infinity
is a subject
dominated by
doomsdayers
   and
      doomsayers
without much
pity left
for
the rest of us

if i do
choose
to attend
i know that
i’ll be lost
to the magnificence
of the dwarfs
   and nebulas
understanding
at best
half
of all that
is proffered

to be honest
i’m not sure
its worth
the £50
plus postage
when i think
i can predict
how it will end;
warnings
will be given
and advice
   imparted
unfortunately
there is
no guarantee
i will still
be listening

View the scenery
The lesser of attractions
Beyond the lights
The stars
And in the vast, the blackness

The backdrop endlessly
Speaking to ears
Not hearing
I feel you out in space
I think of you so clearly

Prayers float from my mouth
Answered, forwarded to voicemail
My ceiling holds spaces
Atoms form me
And my jail

It’s electricity
That makes chemicals in me
The forms the lonely
Forms the empty
Filled with the scenery

I wish for a dreadful thing
Every night
Wonderful though it may be
My pillow by my side
Emulating you laying next to me

Spaces between compose words
Flicked outside by
Movements of my tongue
I dwell in loneliness
And I pray I’m not the only one

Do you feel lonely?
Beyond your street
These scenic stars?
I pray you long for me
In crowded room, still alone you are

I feel this
Aching too
A rowboat in an endless sea
I look in the black
And pray you’re as lonely as me

You should feel as lonely as me...
... tell me she’s as lonely as me

Selfishness fill the darkness
Lines between concrete seas

Help me believe she’s as lonely as me...

I know these thoughts
They arise
Like moons
Eclipsing light of day
I whisper wicked things
Coated in prayers that float away

These eyes
Dare not close
In case miracles start
In front of me
Maybe my wounded heart injures
But I pray you search till you find me

Eternity is brief, love
We have not a moment
To waste
Two hearts scattered in blackness
Leaking words that float to space

I beg forgiveness
I know my folly
I’ve took too long
No map in darkness
Hope dwindles, but I search on

These words divisive
Selfish as they float
Never to be
Retrieved
I pray you’re lonely
And that you search impatiently

I pray you’re lonely
And ever alone, you ache for me...

I held wishes on your stories
Etched between the void and the sky
And hoped that even a glimpse
Of all your vastness and beauty
Can be reflected in me

Things I cannot believe
My idiocy
Things I shall never achieve
O, my idiocy
Things I shall never know
O, my idiocy…

Hatred and anger
Burning flames
Things I wish not to remember
Yet never
Never will I forget…

Who am I?
I am no one
An idiot of course
A fool, so naive
A child indeed
Unorganized, I am doomed
This curse, I assumed
Would leave me, but never…

Shall I ever be released?
O never, o never,
Shall I ever be set free?
O no, o never,
Shall I see the light of day…

Do you see me?
Do you hear me?
The sorrow and woe
The sorrow and woe…

If they ever saw me
For me
Would they leave me?
Or would they feel me?
Would they lift me up,
Above the clouds,
Where they flux so freely
As a bird in flight
Across the vastness
That is my mind

Do you hear me?
Do you see me?
No, o never,
Never it goes…

O, if you could see it
O, if you could hear it
The broken melody,
The bleeding heart,
The depths it reaches to…

O never, o never,
Shall I forgive myself
O never, o never
Shall I forgive myself…

- Jay M
October 8th, 2019