Bandung begitu kelabu,
dadaku kosong
rentang fokus kabur entah kemana
ada kacau yang meruang di tubuhku
tersisip kicau yang kian gaduh kepalaku

terus menerus menimbang
mempertanyakan perkara ranah juang
bolak balik singgah pada keraguan
lalu sebentar mampir pada keyakinan

ia, aku, terpicu keras sekali
kilas balik membeludak dalam benak
beririsan dengan manisnya kenyataan
yang juga selalu menjagaku erat

aku benci terpicu seperti ini,
guru geografi pernah ajarkan
ketika panas bertemu dingin, terjadilah puting beliung
ada puting beliung yang meruang di tubuhku

lalu hembusan nafas mengembalikan sadarku
cepat-cepat harus kukerdilkan imajinasi
ya Bapa di Sorga, bebaskan aku dari kekang gelisah
aku hanya ingin melepaskan apa yang perlu dilepaskan
aku lelah mengunci diri dalam kegelapan

She’s at a place where she feels trapped
As the mist rises and her sun is crying
She cant help but feel alone
Alone is a place were she’s been forced to feel
At home

She cannot recognise a noble deed
And allow that memory to take her
Instead the fear of being unloved
And hardly good enough
grip her hand

With every word
she is paranoid and annoyed
and triggered
into retreat
into alone
a place she calls home

they roll down a familiar face
warm and comforting
Its because she couldn’t stay
She wanted to, believe her

Believe she wants to be a better her
But she clings to alone
As a familiar face
A childhood case
That she needs to shake
She loves alone but hates it
She hates the time it gives her to think
About how unfamiliar the un-alone really is

She wants to share but she doesn’t know how
She wants to talk but she’ll be misunderstood
She wants to love him but she’s making him numb
Her sorry self is a burden and the cause of pain.
She says she felt rushed but she is here now
More in love than he can see
And then then there’s the stabbing thought that he wants to be free
Now she is comfort crying
Alone.

And it was
iN that split  
secOnd that i was
Rather weak.
Eating no longer  
seemed an eXit, but instead
as If it was so, so,
Aimless to do.

i waited for you to come back
and you never did
and i know you didn’t do that to hurt me
but my chest is tight and my eyes are wet and i can’t stop these thoughts
thoughts of not being enough of a reason for you to come back up the stairs and hold me
thoughts of being a little girl and waking up and walking thru the house to find no one
you can’t fake that kind of empty
you can’t fake that kind of fear
thoughts of how because of this, i hate myself
i hate myself for allowing this meaningless act to make or break my entire day
i hate myself for letting irrational fears of the little girl inside me dictate my self worth
i hate that now that you’re back my butterflies have been replaced with razor blades
i hate that now i can’t look you in your eyes because i’m scared that perhaps maybe my thoughts are right, and your eyes will confirm it
and in all honesty i’d rather look at the ground and i hate myself, than to ever meet your eyes and have them hate me

‪I was good before the meds‬
Slightly depressed because I wanted to leave my husband
But other than that, I lived.

Is this me?
Is mania my thing?
How many times do I have to trip before I go back to Bing?

Oh ****, everything is all of a sudden exciting!

Counting numbers like a mathematician
Looking at numbers like they’ll come into fruition
A Beautiful Mind subtracting with ambition

Hey Eleven! Is it 11:11?
Upside down, still 11:11
Oh hey, Porche 9-11
That’s my birthday! 9/11

8:44 I’m going to do it
9:44 I’m going to do it
10:44 weighing my options
44 reasons to pop it

Stop it

Where did I get these bruises on my legs?
Shortness of breath
A billion needles stinging through my chest
Night sweats
Driving fast and a little wreckless
That’s when I know I need to get checked
I need to be in this bed
Half dead
Blood sample draining from my head
From another case of miscalibrated meds

This better be the prescription
Otherwise I can’t live knowing my mind can't function