I always felt
that I was not
capable of being
wanted.
I didn't believe
that I was enough
for anyone.
I have always felt
worthless, rejected,
and that I couldn't
be loved.

I bet you weren’t alert of my struggles as a kid

                              It contributed to many of the immature things I did

                  Suffering in silence from an illness I was not cognizant about

                              And others didn’t fathom it either, I was constantly bombarded with shame and doubt

                A quote un-quote shy, tensed, quiet girl

                              That’s what many perceived me as, oh what an ignorant world

                And I wasn’t immune to the ignorance,

                              I played a part in that role

            But there was lack of information

                              Regarding what I now know

          There were heavy times in school

                            For not meeting everyone’s standards

And I still can reminisce on all the mocking and laughter
                        
                        I specifically remember always sitting in class

      And wanting to participate, but the anxiety wouldn’t let me raise my hand

                    And I remember the pen in my hand
Students across from me proclaiming, “dang girl, stop writing so fast”
  

                        I recall the tedious questions, why are you so shy? Why are you so quiet?

      Hearing that on a constant basis, was oh so extremely tiring

                        Tiring because I didn’t know what was going on deep down

    I was only a kid, and remember, I didn’t know what I know now

                          I still have the memories that haunt me

  Like sitting at a lunch table, appearing as if I was petrified to eat

                          And others would question, why do you look scared?

    I could not reply, so I would just stare

                        Their words smacked me with shame,

  And left my mouth locked

                        Confusion, Embarrassment, resides in my thoughts

I would want a drink, from the vending machine

      But those anxious thoughts, begun to suffocate me

I’d get up and pass, so many students
      
Nervous to the point, I would rather be in ruins
          
        I would sit back down, and the question returned

Why you’re so shy? That question burned
        
          The guilt cut me hard, and I just could not sip

The thing that I wanted, that one tasty drink

              I pushed it aside, this couldn’t be life

  And I can recall report cards, I always did well

                        in classes

  But one discomforting comment from teachers turned my confidence to ashes

                  It was always, she is so quiet, she is so reserved

Every time when reading that, I covertly felt the hurt

                Because it would always remind me of my flaw

  It was unknown anxiety, covered and all

                Let's take a ride to Washington Heights, the hood I grew up in

  Oh, the memories that randomly visit me, then the shame begins

                  Subconsciously wanting others to fill my unknown void

  Doing reckless, ingenuous things

                    Forgive me, I didn't mean to annoy

  Acting like a child, & always speaking rapidly and quick

                I glance at my past now; I didn't know I was sick

  Apprehensive of neighbors’ sly mental judgments

            Didn’t properly conversate at times, Anxiety left me reluctant

  And I also recall, becoming dizzy in streets,
Invasion of nerves, took over my being

            At times, I stood up, in the middle of night, and begun to purge, the demons inside

I lost much great weight, I was shocked and surprised

              I’d come home from school, and not say a word

Would go straight to bed, depression occurred

Fast forwarding, I have a diagnosis

            I am a socially anxious person, A naive kid didn't know this

  I look at past behaviors, and now a lot makes more sense

              It was a hidden mental illness that left me in distress

  And even lack of experience played a major part in my savageness

          Who knew a mental disorder could interfere with maturity & with what one did?

  Individuals always claiming, "Oh, she's so innocent and naive"

          It's peculiar an anxiety disorder did this to me

  But now I have wisdom, now I have strength

          I have gained much experience, on life's various subjects

  Do you think you can play me, or take advantage again?
            
              Dig information out of me, without my consent?

  I've grown and I've learned, I am not who I was then

              But I’m smarter now, I understand why you did what you did

She’s a sharp-eyed warrior, Her epithet? Label her a detective

                You would not even guess my passions & interests now

You would not even guess, the things I know now

              And  I realize now, you had insecurities yourself

So, it was always a competition, to see who did well

                But we all have our demons, so I have nothing against you

Everyone deals with things; times are happy & times are blue

                  You also had voids, you needed fulfillment

Trying to impress others, as if they could they fill it

                    Give me a break, people will tear you like paper

You worship the creature, rather than the creator

                      I’m not better than you & you’re not better than I

We come from the same God, who produced darkness and formed light

                      We’ve all met pain; we’ve all met hurt

And it never fails to remind me, that sometimes you win & sometimes you learn

                I still have certain traits, that the Lord blessed me with

    I'll use it for good, and I'll use it for Him

              Wise as a serpent, and gentle as a dove

    This girl you see now is not who she was

              That Kim from the past strolled out the door

      That Kim from the past is not me anymore ✌🏻

who set the temperance in the square-faced clown
he was dancing and strolling and roaming around
he was scary, he was strange, he was really quite large
no one knew how he got there but he came out in charge
his hair was was chaotic, his skin an orange hue
he wanted to tell stories, all of which were not true
his stay should be over, in that fact we hope
the square-faced clown, it appears is a hoax....

Brian Hill - 2020 # 210

Everyone hears you.
Not everyone listens to you.

Yet , it look so beautiful
but making me ugly inside.
The bridges created by us
were unsurely doubting us
lacking the sense of being loved
we ended up being stifling
beneath our own bridges.

if i disappeared
would i become like echo?
the words on my tongue
fading into the wind,
my spoken words echoing around me
as i’m hallowed out by the silence.

if i disappeared
would i become like eurydice?
my ghost lingering behind my husband
who reaches the light with me not far behind;
only to turn and **** me.

if i disappeared
would i be come like icarus?
too stubborn and
in love with the sun-  
only to meet my fate into a watery grave.

—— if i disappeared would i too become a story? // a.

A novel situation, for a story to live for or in
ever,
forever and inever are aspects of ever never
actually
thought through.

Ever being as ever was, now,
all together

This is where it gets crazy…

cut to the chase, and nobody is chasing…

Do you truly believe there is a lie so big that
no one can ever unbelieve it
alone?

Do ya, hunh, do ya? Wanna bet?
Could get hairy,
could get… you know
*****, humus- dirt us,
we a we here. All the outs been let in free,
we got shelter
from our storm.

Yeh. L'il Abner, cloud, no, "Big Chief Rain-in-the-face"
wasn't that funny,

back when they had the Shakespeare Riots, first
but not last,
time Feds fired on citizens pledged to allegiance,
in states of
professionally tested rebellion,
to keep the meek assured their inheritance is safe,

until the end,
when nobody is sure what to expect.
So, we lower your interest rate on entertainment.
Attention spans as short as fifteen seconds, with
seven seconds eye on target verified,
by snapsnapsnap monoclapping app-lause trigger…

those seven seconds are treasure,
lemme tell y'gotta listen,
we ain't got long,

AI AI AI its all artistic intuition absolutely insane,

in that good Steve Jobs insane way,
insanely great, the feeling
you get when you stand in the tenth floor comode
and flush it, swoosh, swirl caresses
flow between
your rusting toes,
in your mind, only in your mind, your industrial
disneyfied mind, crossed with an imagined
Turing machine, with a Von Neuman perpetuating
glandular mod on the cannabinoid system,

plus acid. Seedtime, harvest or
seed
time
harvest round and round for a few loops,
leaning into the plane
of existence,

to be with you, for your reading pleasure,
we offer fully flexible

futures, one day at a time,
no Westworld AI wu wu - we way cooler than allathat

Vitamin D, 2-d, thathathat is you to me, you are
my sunshine,
lemme see y'shine.