Just a kiss, buttercup
Remember not to **** me up.
Maybe it’d be best, to promise
Just one kiss.

Strangers after all don’t have business with each other.
That’s what mother
Said.
It will always wander in my head.

But little by little
My hands would fiddle
Every single **** time I saw you.
But knowing you’d never be able to come through.

Our promise broke and one kiss led to two.
Then three.
And so forth.
God, I shouldn’t have trusted myself with you.

The last time our lips felt each other
Was when your girlfriend caught us under your covers.

She came by with a surprise
But left with numerous lies and sobbing eyes.

You yell at me.
“Stupid ***** couldn’t keep her mouth shut.” Yell he.

I too, left with sobbing eyes.
Then despise.
And a part of me dies.

Ever since we stopped this secret
My weakness
Is you.
But I can’t do this,
I have to stop thinking about your kiss.
The thoughts continue to spew.

This is wrong.
I should have realized sooner you were just playing a puppet’s song.

I've heard that you really don't know what you have until it's gone
Sadly now, I know it's true

It was not death itself that made me realize this
But the reaction of the one's it affected
The one man that would call me a friend
Broken
In tears
With his heart in pieces

And I couldn't do anything to help
I stood there as he sobbed
I watched his heart tear in pieces
He was helpless

I can't mend broken hearts
I don't have the right words

I've hadn't ever seen broken
Until I saw those tears
Rushing down his face

Then, I realized
I cannot mend a broken heart
I can't stop the tears from falling
I can't say the right words

I just have to watch
As the ones I tell myself I care about
Are ripped to shreds
By the death of a great man

So all I can do is
Hope and Pray
That one day
He'll be close to the same

I wash my hands constantly, as the smell of anything unnatural makes me uneasy. I smell the tips of my fingers and the palms of my hands nervously; the smell of metal, carpet, and reluctance all trapped between my fingers nauseate me. I run to the sink and pump soap into my hands before frantically rubbing them together, forming as many bubbles as possible.

I only like my hands when they smell like soap or oranges or lavender.

I have nightmares about you during the day. I sit awake and wonder how much of you was real and how much is just sound that I created in a desperate leap for love. The leap I swore I would take over and over again.

There is paint on my arms and my hands right now and all I can think about is how i wish I were an artist
I wish i could draw myself into things the way I can push myself into things that hurt

My mom told me I am brave that I am fearless that I just do things
but I think I am reckless with myself
the way I run into pain face first and tear into it with my fists over
and over again
I have never been afraid of change
The way pain rolls over you and makes your stomach convulse
your whole body week and your sobs so huge that they don’t make sound beyond the frantic gasp for air at the end

I have always been to proud of being human
for some reason I think that the way I feel the way I live is somehow monumental
running into things over and over again

Tick tock, tick tock,
It’s fading, have I erred?
The clock strikes callously,
Leaving me empty and unheard.
My beard is long and grey,
My eyes, they droop with sleep,
I know my time is rushing to an end,
Oh tell me, have I erred?

The sounds mirror silence,
I’m feeling quite alone,
I choke and sob and scream and beg,
Please someone take me home!

My life has been lived,
But the mystery is still there,
I’ve got a feeling in my bones,
It’s really quite queer.

I know not where to go,
My legs shake with my weight,
I’m dying slowly, slowly,
And I have none left to embrace.
Tick tock, tick tock,
My breath is rasping, have I erred?

I’m scared of dying,
Though my knowledge tells me shush.
I’m scared of not applying myself,
God have I missed the rush?
The flow beneath my feet,
Perhaps this is me falling?
I can hear the reaper at the door,
Mighty early from him to be calling!

I’m outraged that he’d dare,
I swear I’ve taken each and every care,
Haven’t wavered in my healthy habits
For all this past and total year.
Now! Now? Oh, the audacity!

He steers me towards completion of his chore.
Whispers how I’ll be here nevermore,
Though I choke, sob, scream, and beg,
Please, please, I need another door!

I could sob.

I could scream.

But instead I’m crying,

Silently crying.

Alone in my room, crying.

I can’t let anyone in.

Silent tears.

Holds the most pain.

I am not seen
In the public often,
I avoid sunlight,
And sleep in a coffin.

Your stereotypical vampire.




Originally written 2/15/15
Revised 11/30/16

It starts out small,
Quiet and pathetic.
The kind of sobbing that gives bystanders the feeling of
Awkward pity.
She whimpers and every once in a moment,
She chokes on top of her hiccups.
She sounds like such a child.

It grows.
The ******* sound grows.
The crying is a little more panicked, more chokes force through.
It sounds a bit more like she is heaving on misery.
She can’t make her lungs work
The way they need her to.
She cannot breathe without her lungs
Catching on regret
And frustration.

If you look at her,
She is curled up inside her own body,
Wrapping her arms around her core.

Oh God, it’s growing louder.
Can’t You fix it?

She is screaming now.
She shrieks in some sort of pain that we don’t know,
And neither does she.
But she feels it.

The noise of hysteria rips out of her.
She can’t control this anymore.
She is pushing and gripping at the hair on her head
Trying to simulate some degree of comfort,
But there is a excruciating pain swelling against her ribs inside of her.

She screams so loudly.
Her fears reverb
Back
And
Forth
Against the walls of my mind.

She can’t breathe without
A crescendo of panic
Crashing into her lungs
Like a flood of salty, bitter water.

I look at her and I wonder,
Who is she,
And how does she know my pain?

The late night tears
That build up in my chest
But never flow
They feel as if a sob
Died in my chest
Before all the raw emotion
Could escape
Its corpse just sits there
Dead weight on my chest
That suffocates me
And I can't lift for the life of me