You're obsessed with being a unit because you never feel whole
Soul sullied by the deceit of past flames
Betrayed by the boredom and apathy of she with crimson hair
Why do you care if I’m alone right now?
Why do you care if I’m fraternising with newfound friends of the male gender
Bending me till I break down in tears and ask for forgiveness for sins I did not commit
And offences with heavier burdens than they are due
Forgive me Father, for I have skinned my knees on repeated apologies until my lips are chapped and raw
Until I began to see how my God couldn’t possibly love me
Until a smile was all it took to intoxicate me into another winner-takes-all verbal brawl
Until I learnt to scrawl the ten commandments into my skull
Thou shalt not choose your new friends, for you are too naive, consult me
Thou shalt not lie with anyone other than me, I’d rather you didn’t sleep
Thou shalt not talk to men other than to exchange pleasantries, I’d rather you didn’t breathe
Thou shalt not choose career opportunities that could take you away from me
Thou shalt not
Thou shalt not
Thou shalt not
I see you broken and bleeding on a cross and you whisper, “how could you do this to me?
I died for your sins
I died for your sins
I let the light in and I died for your sins.”
Enough!
I will make my own religion
One that breathes rose petals among the barbs
Armed with the knowledge of what worship should be
And you told me I must learn to pray on my knees,
But tell me:
If you took me to the altar,
How much life would I have to sacrifice
For this all-consuming, greedy god
Of love?

"I love you."
Words can't touch me anymore.
My skin is coated in lies
Nothing penetrates.
My last hope is caught in my throat
And I can't swallow it,
Bumps and bruises are hidden behind
"I'm fine," "I'm just tired."
Words are branded into my skin.
They have left layers of scars
So thick there's no room left to carve -
So imprinted there's nothing left to root.
Nothing more to say to boot.
Prickly like a porcupine, consonants stick off of me,
Petruding like my long buried personality
Used to,
Like my personality used to.
Vowels form a new face of expressions
I was once able to pen for myself
But now
I can't.
I wear words instead of speak them;
I wear words like a coat of armor on top of my numb skin.
I swear words don't even touch me anymore.
There is no need to carry a shield ,
Instead you built for me a castle.
And I'm somewhere inside,
Untouched.

The road looks bumpy from down here
I'm sorry that sleepwalking me loves jackhammers
And wondering what else she can mess up
Without a concept to time to tell her when to stop

I'm sorry about my gasoline decisions and my flaming attitude
I burn everything I touch
Nothing near me  goes undamaged
Nothing  near me stays
I can no longer tell if I'm setting these fires while I'm awake or not
Though I doubt it even makes a difference

Somethings crept it's way under my skin
I haven't been myself for weeks
Every word seems to roll off your tongue in just the wrong way
I'm not saying it your fault
I swear i see a slyness in your eyes
I'm not saying its your fault

My pens have run dry and so I have I
I have said all I can say
I must now be on my way
I wish nothing but the best of you

My wrists still hurt on Thursdays. I still remember the way you looked at me. I haven't slept in the past two twenty-four hour periods. I miss the way you ****** me, like I didn't even matter. I knew I didn't matter, but my god, I wanted to matter.

     CALL IT MENTAL, BUT I SWEAR MY MIND KNOWS MORE ABOUT THE PAIN THAN THE BODY THAT HOLDS IT.

     I constantly have three pills in my pocket. I'm at work and I have three pills in my pocket. I'm at work and I'm carrying drugs I should not need. One to stop the pain and two to stop the panic. That's still three times the recommended dose. You still give me three times the recommended dose. I still need three times the recommended dose.

     The trees and the sky, the sky just as blue as your eyes; and you say you don't understand why I wouldn't want to live forever, but how can I not want to die when forever was in your eyes? The trees weep your name and how can I live knowing they're dying just as slow as the respiratory rate of our love?

     YOU MAKE MY MIND FLIP AND MY STOMACH WHIRL AND THE ONE THING THEY NEVER MENTIONED ABOUT SUICIDE WAS THIS.

     I haven't slept in the past two twenty-four hour periods.

     I feel the rusty nail in my back as much as I feel the nail in my coffin. The rusty nail you pushed me against. I am buried alive. The dirt is beginning to smell like home.

     I drink caffeine to keep me awake. I drink too much caffeine to feel you in my chest. I still don't eat. If you were to touch me, you could feel every inch of my spine. And all this time I thought I was spineless.

     The only way I know I never loved you was when I tried to say your name, I would say someone else's.

     IT SOUNDED A LOT LIKE "HELP".

     If I were to forget you, maybe I could sleep. And then maybe my caffeine heart could take it's final beat.

****
Yes I said it
Because **** isn't Voldemort
He who shall not be named
And I'm not a victim
I'm not ashamed
I can say ****
And talk about it too
**** isn't a bad word
**** is Bad to do
The word **** didn't take away what was mine
The word **** didn't "forget" to ask this time
The word **** didn't make me take a hot shower because
God I feel gross
I feel like I'm a ****
I feel like it's all my fault
I feel like **** didn't do that at all
**** is a word that people
Who haven't been forced to do something I said no to
Tip toe around
Because "****"  might be a trigger word
When I say ****
Why do your eyes fall down
Why did my mom teach me to yell
Fire!
Instead of ****
I feel like you can see a fire
But you can't hear my fate?
Why is **** such a bad word
Can we talk about **** the way that we should

Things that remind me of him:
Target.
Stepping into Ikea and smelling the cafeteria food.
Long drives with the radio playing softly.
The rain, pooling up in my boots, the smell it leaves on my jacket, the way it tastes on my lips.
The north side of the mountain, the one that is perpetually foggy and jagged.
Throw pillows, tucked between my knees and alongside my back, emulating all the nights I used them to pretend he was there, holding me.
Tea kettles, their incessant knack for screaming at the worst times, when I finally sit back down and get comfortable.
Empty hospital rooms, sterile cleaning supplies and the times I would refresh my phone hoping he'd at least called.
The floor, specifically the grey and white carpet on the hardwood floor, how towards the end I just left the glass shards in it because I wanted to feel a sting.
The desert and the red dirt, how it ground between my toes when I finally figured it out.
Darting eyes and their need to validate inexcusable actions with the justification that it would all calm down eventually.
And finally, elevators, how my worst fear only seemed to be exacerbated with him by my side, trying to hold back laughter as he let go of my hand.

Test
**** them
How dare you tell me
I'm smart because I got an A
Im smart because I learned the material
I'm smart because I raised my hand
I'm SMART because I know **** that other kids don't know
What do I know
Not taxes
Not mathematics
Not English
Not grammar
Punctuation isn't a thing when you
Have to figure out LIFE
But is it life
Isn't a thing if you don't have
A diploma
So what am I doing
Nothing
I'm not smart
I'm conforming
To a life
That only answers
To a,b or c

I drink
A majority of the time to have fun
To hang out with friends
To laugh
And sing
And just be me
Without being ME
To get out of my head
Because everyday is a constant battle
With anxiety
Or boredom
I'd say depression but I'm not Depressed
Everyday I freak myself out
Is the world going to end
Am I going to die today
Are we even real
Why am I in pain
Should I **** myself
Should I **** someone
WHY IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME
WHY ARE THEY YELLING
ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT ME
HELP SOMEONE HELP ME
OH GOD I CAN'T BREATH
WHAT IS AIR
IM DROWNING
IM LOSING CONTROL
IM FIGHTING BUT AM I WINNING
IM SCARED
CAN THEY HERE MY THOUGHTS
IS THIS ALL FOE NOTHING
WHY AM I LIKE THIS
so I drink
A majority of the time to have fun
To laugh
To sing
And just be me
Without being ME