they told me
my father died quietly
in his sleep
at 2 a.m.

with his pain-ridden last years
I think he was not unhappy
to go farther for once
return to the cosmos he came from
wake up painless
     at peace
floating in the universe
he had admired from mountain peaks
all of his life

Can i say—
your absence is a relief. Your lack of response gives me nothing but comfort and i know, i will not see your name pop up just yet 'cause how can you reply to "im sorry i can't take the risk to jump so i vanished" and to "i'm sorry i opened the door but no, i'm not inviting you in" or to "i'm sorry but i'm just here to say sorry (and have no intention of 'fixing' you)" because i don't think my broken bones can lift the tools any longer.
I say yet because almost always you pop right back the last minute, trying. I hope this time would be the last.

You realize,
You have 2 more questions.
Your fingers are shaking,
As you click on those last few answers.
You are sweating like crazy,
Sweatshirt sleeves rolled up.
You click submit,
Trembling, you click view score.
You wait, and wait,
For the slow computer to load.
You take a quick glance at your score,
And you breathe a sigh of relief.
Thank goodness it’s over.

What length dies sorrow,and dies joy what breadth;
What fool claims this 'the ecstasy of death'?
What show these withered springs,these summers dimmed;
Show what autumn leaves,but man's last cold breath?

Last vial of mirth spilt, and last vial of grief;
Lies what fun in this mockery of relief?
Awaits calm? And think lingers good ahead?
Stands but far from the prospect of belief.

All the hearts of lead,all the hearts of gold,
All the timid,meek men,and all those bold,
All the kings and subjects,masters and slaves,
Must all hear death,hear all its truth told.

Death is dull and cold,death is all but joy,
Death is nature's decree,death is God's toy.

The exhale of relief
for some that's at the end of the day
when curled up in bed, and the day is ending
if you're lucky you have one moment of piece
and you exhale out all the stress
all the ******* and feel calm
I have yet to have that relief
I'm constantly a mess
Each breath I try to feel that peace
Instead I breath out anxiety
And am still worried for the next day
If you are lucky to have that exhale
Remember it, Its what will keep you going
Then next time you get lost.

It causes controversy doesn't it?
Admitting that maybe you really aren't all that happy
"Don't say that"
"Don't be silly"
"that's too dark to talk about"
But I'm hollow
I have these moments where I almost feel so full and overwhelmed and so carved out and hollow all at once
like there cant possibly be life pumping through my body
why must we always be so bright when sometimes we feel like a dark faded light bulb flickering as it goes out
Maybe I'm okay but oh sometimes
sometimes I'm anything but okay
And sometimes all we need is hope